by Robert Duff
Reading is a tricky one. I think that reading in bed can be okay, but it is very personal and subjective. For some people, reading non-fiction books like biographies, self-help books, or informational books gets their brain too amped and motivated to go kick ass. Not always conducive to sleep. For others, reading something that is more bland and informational can help to lull them off to sleep. Use your personal judgment for this, and keep being a good scientist by engaging in trial and error. If you change or remove your bedtime reading, take notice of the effect that it has on your sleep and act accordingly. The jury is still out on whether using devices can interrupt sleep just due to the type of light that they give off. Personally, I think you don’t really need to worry about that aspect of it as much as the accidental associations I just described. If you want to be safe, just read your book, whether it be physical or on an E-reader, in a different room than the one in which you sleep. Think of it as a treat to yourself. Find a nice comfy nook in the front room or wherever looks nice you, make a nice cup of herbal tea, and curl up for a few minutes to read. When you find that your eyes can’t take it anymore and you are ready to pass out, stumble your way over to the bed and PTFO.
Really the most helpful action that you can take in regards to sleep hygiene is to do the same thing nearly every night. If you do the reading nook wind-down like I just described, do that each night. If you play a game on your iPad (like me), play the same one every night, and only play that game before sleep. Basically, you want to create a consistent winding down sequence at the end of the night, so that each step along the way, your body gets more and more tired as it anticipates the lovely sleep you’re about to have. Even if you can’t make it to bed at the same exact time every night, your body should know that when you start the first activity of your wind down sequence, it can expect to be snoring in about 30 minutes.
So that’s really all I would like to mention in regards to physical considerations for depression. These aren’t revolutionary ideas, nor are they a complete list of the things that you should be watching out for. This whole chapter was basically a way for me to introduce a few broad categories of things you might have overlooked in your quest to determine the source of your depression. They are annoying, but they are also great in that once you start to pay attention to these sources of depressive symptoms, you can often make huge strides toward feeling much better. And even if these are not the main culprits for your unique brand of depression, it certainly doesn’t hurt any to exercise more, drink less, sleep well, and eat better. In fact, you might find that the process of going through trial and error to identify causes can help you feel like you have more control and agency over your life. And it can propel you forward as you defeat this monster.
Ch. 7 A Letter to Those Who Don’t Understand Depression
Not knowing what to say to other people about your depression is totally understandable. If this is a struggle for you, you’re most certainly not the only one. Aside from the nearly impossible task of explaining what it feels like to have depression, it’s also super difficult to ask your friends and family for help. Even when you do work up the courage to ask them for help, how the hell are you supposed to know what to tell them when they ask you how they can be supportive?
Society is flooded with misconceptions about depression. We are constantly bombarded with the message that we should be thankful, motivated, and happy because of all that we have in life. We are told that we should be able to easily shake off adversity to continue on our paths. It’s no wonder people give such terrible advice when they hear that you are depressed. It can be frustrating and exhausting to try to explain it to people. All of the effort that you have at your disposal is being spent on keeping yourself afloat while you struggle through this. Sometimes it just feels like too much to bother trying to make someone understand. This can lead to irritation and telling people things like “I’m fine”, “Don’t worry about it”, or “Never mind”. I want to try to ease this burden for you a little bit.
One thing that I added into the 2nd edition of F**k Anxiety was a letter to people who don’t “get it” when it comes to anxiety. The feedback that I got about the letter was overwhelmingly positive, so I thought that I would give it a shot again. In what follows, I will do my best to put myself in the headspace of someone who lives with depression and write a letter to someone that might not quite understand what you are going through. I will write through this letter off the top of my head and then come back and discuss different pieces of it to see what suggestions I might be able to offer for talking to people about your depression or asking others for help.
Dear ___________,
You are getting this letter because you are an important person in my life, and I want you to understand more about what I’m going through. I know that I can be difficult and I’m sorry for that. I know that I probably don’t need to be sorry, but I am. In fact, I feel guilty for feeling sorry in the first place. Ridiculous, I know. That’s how my brain works because I have depression… and yes, my mind is an exhausting place. I want to give you this letter to help you understand a little more about what I am going through, ask for some grace as I work this crap out, and to suggest a few ways that you can best support me if you are willing.
The first thing I want you to know is that I am trying. Or, rather … I am trying to try. You see, 1 and 1 don’t always add up to 2 with depression. There are legitimate biological differences between me and someone who doesn’t live with depression, which makes this a really difficult uphill battle. I am literally fighting against my biology which tries to tell me that none of this is worth it and that I shouldn’t even try. When people say things like, “Just think positively,” or “It’s all in your head,” it does not help at all. I know it’s in my head, but unfortunately it is not as easy as flipping a switch and suddenly feeling better. I know that probably have 1000 reasons to be happy, and sometimes I feel like the worst person ever for being so down all the time despite them.
Fighting off depression is not a simple task. If it was, I would have done it already. Trust me when I say that I am so tired of feeling like crap all of the time. I am actively trying to take steps to better myself and steal some of my life back from this depressive monster that has crept in like a black cloud raining over all of my thoughts and feelings. The process will involve challenging my negative thought patterns, pushing myself to re-engage with things that I used to enjoy, working to forgive myself for letting things get so out of hand, and finding people that I trust to be on my team. That’s why you are reading this. I want you to be on my team. I know that I have not been the easiest person to be around recently. Maybe my actions or inactions have even hurt you in some way. The thing is, I need support to dig myself out of these patterns. I don’t need a yes or no answer from you right now, but I want to share a few things that do and do not help me in case you are ever willing to lend a hand.
For now, this has to be on my terms. I am feeling more broken and fragile than I would like to admit. Down the line, I might need a bit of a push, but for now, tough love is not what I need. That means that unsolicited advice that worked for you or someone else is probably not helpful. Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all approach to depression. It’s a very individualized sort of beast. Also, being told that what I am going through is not that bad is very hurtful for me. I know that it might not be logical for me to feel this way given my life circumstances. I know it could be worse and that there are many others in the world who have it worse. That’s just how depression works. Intellectually knowing something and feeling it are two very different experiences. I’m working to make them more in sync.
Though my instinct tells me otherwise, it’s probably not the best idea for me to be alone all of the time right now. So, please have a little grace and forgiveness with me if I get irritated or act in off-putting ways. I do want you to be here, and I really appreciate you continuing to try. I feel like a lot of people have given up on me. I don’t want
you to be one of them.
Probably the most helpful thing that you can do for me is to let me know that you are here. I forget sometimes, so please don’t assume that I already know. Tell me that you are here if I need you. I won’t always know the best ways that you can help me, and you don’t have to either. I mostly just need to know that I’m not on this journey alone.
Like I said, a big part of this process of recovery is finding ways to fight back against these unhelpful patterns of thinking that I have fallen into. Sometimes, it can be really helpful to have someone that I can rely on as a “logical barometer.” Basically, I can tell you what my train of thought is regarding a situation, and you can tell me whether you think it makes sense or not. You can share how you, as a non-depressed person, might interpret it. That helps me to practice reeling in the overgeneralizing, personalizing, and overall amplification of negative thoughts. My thoughts usually start out rooted in reality, but they get way blown out of proportion, and you could definitely help me out by nonjudgmentally letting me know how far off my thinking has gone. You don’t have to be “right” to help me out with this. There are really no right or wrong answers, but I will be much better off if I have a few people that I can get input from when I am doubting my initial interpretation of things.
I am trying to do more. This might mean that I am trying to get back to doing things that I used to enjoy, because everything feels very bland right now. It also might mean that I am trying to get off of my butt and be more physically active. It is so incredibly hard to find the motivation inside myself to do these things. One change that can give me more motivation to follow through with plans is when I have a buddy to do them along with me. Maybe you could be that person. I don’t mean that you need to do everything with me, but if there is something that you enjoy that I might benefit from, maybe consider inviting me along. Speaking of inviting me along, I won’t always say yes. Even if it is something as simple as going to dinner or the movies, sometimes it feels like the weight of my symptoms are literally crushing me, and I will pass on almost any invitation. Please keep inviting me. You don’t need to waste all of your time trying to convince me, just don’t give up on me. Keep offering, please.
Finally, I would be so grateful if you would help other people understand what I am going through. Hopefully at this point, you “get it” a little more. Depression is something that we are told to keep a secret, and it is really hard for me to share my feelings sometimes. You are reading this letter because I trust you and want you to be on my team. It is exhausting for me to reach out to each person and ask for help, so if you could help other friends and family understand when they ask what is wrong with me, I would really appreciate it.
If you are reading this far, that means that I was right about you. You are amazing and a perfect addition to my depression fighting team. Like I said before, I really am trying. This is a tough battle, and I don’t know how long it will take, but having allies like you will certainly make the process that much easier. I am not asking for a blank slate. I know that I can sometimes say or do things that make me not so pleasant to be around. That’s the nature of the beast. You are allowed to be upset, angry, hurt, or annoyed at those things. I just ask that you try to understand that these things are an expression of my depressive symptoms. They may be a part of me, but they are not the whole me. I hope this letter helps you to understand a little more about the other part of me that is dying for a chance to get out into the world.
Sincerely,
______________________
PS: Please feel free to ask questions. I’m sure this is a lot to take in. It’s not the easiest thing to explain. I may not always have the answers for you, but you are welcome to ask.
Like I said, that was basically off the top of my head. I hope that I covered some things that resonated with you here. It’s impossible to encapsulate the experience of each and every one of you, because depression is such a personal and individual experience. This was based on my professional and personal experiences, so forgive me if I missed a few things. As I look back on the letter, I can see a few areas that are worth mentioning.
Trust me, I understand that people suck at helping. I hear about it all the time. People tend to give plain and simple advice that worked for someone else or that they heard about on some television show, as if you had not already considered those strategies. It’s not entirely their fault they are bad at helping. It just means that they have not had the pleasure of diving head first into the dark pool of depression like you have. They are the lucky ones. Pardon their ignorance in the same way that you would like them to pardon some of your behaviors. These people are legitimately trying to be helpful. There are just such strong differences between someone who is in the thick of depression and someone who is not, it can feel like you are speaking a different language. By speaking with them about what you are going through or giving them a letter like this one, you can provide them tools to work with. Send me to go help someone repair their motorcycle, I will be more than willing, but will probably cause more issues by helping in the wrong way. If you give me a tool and teach me a specific way to use it, I can actually make a difference. This is the same thing. You can recruit people to be a part of your team and give them a particular role to fill.
Though they will never be able to understand exactly what it feels like for you to be going through depression, you might be able to give them an approximation. Usually, it helps to relate it to something they may have experienced in their life. Provided that you are talking to an adult, it is pretty likely that they have experienced some sort of loss before. Whether it be the loss of a family member, the loss of a pet, or the loss of their dream job, they were probably “not themselves” during the period of time following the loss. They were experiencing a normal and healthy grief reaction, but it probably looked a bit similar to the depression that you feel. Even though a certain part of their brain knew that everything could be okay, they were just not in a place where they could think logically and reasonably yet. They probably felt a bit hopeless about the whole situation. Maybe they got hit hard with the more overt emotional symptoms like crying spells or that anhedonia feeling of blandness that we talked about. Whatever their particular brand of grief looked like, I’m sure they can agree that it felt like the wind was taken out of their sails for a while. Ask them to try and imagine that those icky feelings that they had at the time were their baseline. Tell them that is what an average day feels like, and when actual negative things happen, it amps up the pain, hopelessness, and emptiness even more.
If you are the type to have a more agitated, angry, or irritable sort of depression, maybe you can relate it to the feeling of road rage. We have all been pissed at someone who is driving like a jackass and completely cuts us off on the highway. You know that the encounter is over and you should let it go, but it just feels impossible. You are practically stewing in your anger and irritation. How could you possibly just let it go? UGH. There are some universal experiences that most everyone can relate to. Fortunately for most people, these are the exception and not the rule. Unfortunately for you, this is how you feel the majority of the time and that is why you are so sick of being this way.
It’s also important for me to mention that you are allowed to have feelings. Just because the way you feel might be a bit over dramatic or exaggerated, it doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t real. It will be important for you to find your own personal balance between asking for grace and forgiveness for your behaviors from those around you and being assertive with them about your right to own your feelings and pain. It all comes down to your particular situation. If the people you are talking to are part of the problem and you think it’s just because they don’t understand, help them to “get it.” Show them how what they have done in the past is not helpful for you, and tell them some ways that they can be better. If they’re part of the problem and seem to legitimately not give a shit, they may not be worth your effort. I’m sorry that you ha
ve to deal with such negativity in your life, but sometimes admitting to yourself that certain people will not change (even though they are hurting you) is a necessary step in the journey of overcoming depression.
These tips that I have given will not be the golden ticket for everyone. You can most certainly pick and choose what I have laid out for you. Maybe there are some parts that definitely resonate with you. I welcome you to use those parts and ignore the other stuff that might not fit so well. You are more than welcome to use this letter word-for-word in its entirety if you’d like. I’ll provide a free downloadable version on my website at duffthepsych.com/depressionletter that you can print off. Otherwise, you can use bits and pieces of it as inspiration for your own letter, email, video, conversation, or any format that will be most helpful to you.
