by Robert Duff
Ch. 8 Be Nice to Future You
This chapter is not going to cover one specific issue related to depression. Instead, I want to talk about a broad underlying concept that can really amp up your asskickery. In my observation of people who live with depression, they are able to make much greater gains when they not only work hard at their recovery, but also work smart. Smarter? Smartly? Whatever. This chapter is all about ways to set yourself up for success. One of the things that I really want to inspire you to do is to maximize your head starts and opportunities and minimize your roadblocks and pitfalls. As I continue to mention, depression is tough. You wouldn’t be here if climbing your way out of depression was simple. You need every advantage you can get, but more often than not, you probably fall into patterns that actually work against you and make it more difficult to improve. For instance, you might have highs and lows in your mood. When you are feeling great, you probably don’t think too much about your depression or the work that you need to do, because you want to relish that feeling of being somewhat normal again right? Well, it can be nice to reconnect with normality and allow yourself to just sit in that feeling, but it can also serve you really well to use that time to your advantage.
Which brings me to my first tip: use motivation when you have it. When I say motivation, I suppose that is only one aspect of it. Really, I mean those moments of relief where your depression isn’t crushing you at full force. This may seem a bit obvious, but time and time again I see people who do not make good use of these opportunities and end up stuck in their progress. Here’s a common scenario that I’ve seen play out in therapy. Someone comes in for a follow up session and they tell me something like this: “Well… I was kind of worried about coming in today, because I’m afraid I don’t have much progress to report. It’s hard! When I left session with you last week I was energized and motivated. I felt like I was for sure going to make progress this week and put all of those things that we talked about into action… but I just didn’t. It was almost hard for me to even remember what we talked about or what it felt like to have that little spark of motivation once I got home and fell back into the normal groove of things. I’m sorry. I feel super guilty.” Does that sound like you? That’s the depressive mindset right there.
We can break this down a little bit and see the areas where this hypothetical person is not quite setting themselves up for success as much as they could be. The first thing to recognize is that this is probably not new. As much as it pains me to say, a person who comes into session with this type of news has probably said the same thing in previous weeks. Here’s the common pattern; you have a spike in energy, motivation, and normality following something positive, such as a therapy session, followed by a drop off as the cosmic force of depression begins to draw you back into its icy clutches. If you notice a pattern like this somewhere in your life, whether it be after a therapy session, a meal, or just a good talk with a friend, use that pattern to your advantage. How awesome is it that you can pretty reliably know a time in your life when you have a greater capacity to make changes? Think of that momentary relief as a golden opportunity to set yourself up for success. What are the things you have a hard time doing when you feel most oppressed by your depression? Do those things during this time window.
I had one person patient who really benefitted from working on their journal, thought log, or other “homework” activities from session right after they left the office, because they knew they would probably avoid it later on. In fact, we worked out a unique arrangement where he would actually go back out to the waiting room and start his journaling before even leaving the building. That helped massively, because there were no opportunities for him to get distracted by something else and lose that motivational boost.
This tip doesn’t only apply to the afterglow of special activities. In a normal day, we tend to have a certain ebb and flow to our emotions, energy, and motivation. I would encourage you to notice them. When are your good times? For me, I tend to have a few different good periods throughout the day and my brain, being the troll that it is, doesn’t like to put any of those good periods during the work day when I should actually be getting shit done. I bet I’m not alone in that. Just because I tend to have one of my best periods at 11 PM right before bed doesn’t mean that hour is useless. I have just learned to capitalize on that good hour as much as I can. I know that it doesn’t make too much sense to start up a new project or jump into something taxing, since I am trying to wind down for the day. However, by paying attention to the trends in my life, I know that my mornings are typically some of the worst periods of time for me, in terms of motivation and productivity. I hate to be that guy who is a dick before he gets his coffee… but I totally am. So, what I have learned to do is take that final hour or 30 minutes in my day and make good use of it to set my grumpy, sleepy, zombie-like morning self up for success.
If you took a browse through my journal (don’t look through my journal!), you would definitely be able to tell which pages are from those evening peak hours. This is the best time for me to write down reminders to myself, schedule out my day, write my to do list, set out my clothes, put reminders in my calendar, or outline what I want to write the next day. Actually, that’s what is happening right now. It is currently morning time on a Monday, which is pretty much the definition of hell for me, but here I am writing a book for you all. That is because last night, when I felt super awesome at 11, I made a loose schedule for my activities today, and then I covered the wall in Post-it notes to make a big outline of this very chapter that I am writing right now. I’m sitting here looking at my wall and the Post-its that say “use motivation when you have it,” “notice when your good times are,” and “start projects/plan for your week when you feel good.” So now, instead of starting my day off by exhausting all of my mental energy on making decisions about what I should be doing, I was able to wake up, brew some strong ass coffee, listen to NPR, and plug away at this chapter that I had outlined last night when I was feeling better. Set your future self up for success in whatever ways you can.
One of the most powerful weapons that you can use in your battle against depression is a consistent routine. When you are depressed, it can feel like every decision takes up 1000% more brain power, and you can get fatigued by simply trying to make a plan and follow through with it. More often than not, that probably just leads you to say “forget it!” and return to doing nothing. Seriously. Don’t wait for that magic day when you will suddenly stop procrastinating. Instead, you need to fight back against the dysregulating force of depression by imposing a structure. Positive structure and routine are the worst enemies of depression, because they help you feel more in control. They help regulate your body and mind. They help you avoid that decision fatigue and just get stuff done, simply because that’s what you do.
The first thing to look at is sleep. Poor sleeping patterns definitely magnify the effects of depression and help to maintain a state of overall shittiness. Whether you are hardly sleeping at all or sleeping all day, having a consistent sleep schedule is going to help you out. Remember that we need all of the energy that we can get our hands on, because depression is constantly stealing that energy away from you. A roadblock that I have seen frequently in people with depression is falling into a pattern of going to sleep super late and then sleeping in all day, because they feel like they have no reason to wake up. (Like, what is the point if you’re just going to do nothing and disappoint people all day, anyway? That’s the depression talking.) Even if you feel like you don’t have much reason to wake up, you still need to start forcing yourself to. It’s a cycle. When you sleep in excessively, you start your day off feeling like a useless slob, and you sure as hell aren’t going to proactively make changes for yourself. Start by waking up at the same time everyday. Even if you are having a difficult time falling asleep quickly and you are dead tired in the morning, just pick a time and stick to it. Don’t focus so much on making sure you get the same exact number o
f hours per night. Even if you get to bed a little later by accident, try to wake up at the same time. After a week or so, your body will adapt to the routine and start to regulate itself. Once you start waking up at the same time of day, your day will be opened up to start imposing more structure and routine.
I am a big fan of making your mornings awesome, because that sets you up for the rest of the day. By nature, mornings are tough. The good thing is, you can make a few changes to turn your mornings into something positive. Treat yourself to a really nice launch sequence for your day.
Here’s one routine that works really well for me. I don’t stick to it 100% every day, but when I am feeling like I need to get back on track and regulate myself, it really helps to follow through with this routine as much as possible. When I wake up, the first thing that I do is hop in the shower. If I can get myself into the shower, I know I’ll be able to stay awake. It takes almost no effort to zombie-walk into the shower and start physiologically activating my body. Then, I start my coffee. I have found that coffee brewing is the perfect time period to practice some meditation. I use a French press for my coffee so while the kettle is heating up on the stove, I sit on the couch or on the floor and practice some mindfulness meditation like we talked about in the chapter about letting go. In the event that I accidentally fall asleep (it has definitely happened), the whistle of the kettle will surely wake my lazy ass up. Once coffee is poured, I sit at the table and journal. The journaling helps me to get my mind on track and plan for the day. Finally, I do a little bit of exercise. I usually don’t have time for a full power workout, nor do I want to get all sweaty after I already showered, but some pushups, pullups, planks, or squats are usually perfect to get my blood flowing.
Put those pieces together and do the math. If you activate your body, give yourself a private moment to write down anything and everything on your mind, plan your priorities for the day, and gift yourself a few moments of Zen…. do you really think you are going to start the day off on a bad note? Your routine doesn’t have to look just like mine. Feel free to rearrange the pieces and add or subtract as you wish. Maybe your secret ingredient is stepping outside first thing and getting some cold fresh air in your lungs. Maybe you need to have a morning dance party with your headphones blasting. Make your morning awesome, and your day will be much more likely to follow suit. The trick is to keep it consistent. This is your routine. You can probably look back on some periods of your life where you weren’t as crippled by your depression. Did those times happen to be when you also had a schedule and a reason to wake up and power through the day? Probably. Like I said before, you don’t have to adhere to this routine 100% for your entire life. Think of it as a tool. The more unregulated you are feeling, the more you should rely on your routine to set you up and pull you through.
Daily routine doesn’t only matter for your mornings. I also like to “bookend” my days by having some structure to my night. I’m not talking about having a boring, predictable life here. You are still allowed to be spontaneous and have variety in your life, but you only have so many units of motivation and decision energy to use throughout the day. If you can count on a useful and predictable routine for the start and the end of your day, you have more of those precious units to spend wisely throughout the day on stuff that matters. At the end of the night, you will be focusing on a very different goal. Where the mornings are devoted to getting your head on straight and your body amped up for the day, the evenings should be about letting go of the day, disconnecting from stress and trouble, and calming down so that you can get some precious sleep and recharge to kick ass the next day.
These days, we are constantly plugged into the world. At the risk of sounding super lame, I think that we are probably too plugged in. Information is great, and it's an amazing gift that you can have all of the information in the world at your fingertips. The problem that the modern depressive faces is regulating the flow of that information. Don’t let these machines control your life, man. By unplugging for a while before bed, you give yourself the opportunity to wind down without some dumbass you knew in high school saying something idiotic and infuriating on Twitter. If not Twitter, it could be a work email you stumble across when you decide to refresh just one more time before heading to sleep that gets you all worked up about the next day. It could be any number of things. It doesn’t even have to be something that is explicitly upsetting. As you are well aware, the brain of a depressed person is a big asshole and can often take any external stimuli and (by some miraculous process) convert it into something… depressing. I can’t speak to your specific version of this super power, but I have heard tales of seeing happy things like a friend’s engagement photos and somehow having that convert into the most glaring reminder that you are forever alone and not worthy of happiness. If you already know that your brain does crap like this, simply don’t give it as much ammunition to work with right before you go to sleep. Other than that, I encourage you to refer to the things that I wrote in the earlier chapter about good sleep hygiene. Routine is your friend there, too.
We all know the saying: All work and no play sucks hard… or something like that. I totally encourage you to still give yourself the chance to do those little time killers that you love. You should be Netflixing, having a drink, reading your favorite books, and wrecking kids in your video game of choice. The important thing in setting yourself up for success is to be realistic and to be reasonable. Watching a few episodes of a show is great… But do you have the self-control to stop there, or are you the type to fall into an all-day binging marathon if you are left to your own devices? Same goes for all of those other media types that I was talking about. Self-awareness is key. Take a moment to think about your casual activities. Which of these are your personal black holes? Which ones seem innocuous at first, but then suck you in and refuse to let you go until your self-loathing becomes massive enough to satisfy its hunger? If any specific media, hobbies, or pastimes come to mind, that is where you need to watch out.
My personal black hole is gaming. When I decided to give myself a deadline and dive heavily into the writing of this book, I went ahead and uninstalled all of the games from my PC. Is it killing me that I haven’t been able to play Fallout 4 yet? Sure, but not nearly as much as it would kill me to miss my deadline and disappoint myself and my fans. My method is a bit drastic, and you probably don’t need to go that far. It may be useful for you to impose your own limits though. Set a timer for a reasonable amount of time instead of just waiting until you feel satisfied. Maybe avoid certain activities when you know they represent a high black hole risk and you can’t afford to be sucked in at this point in time.
It is also important to consider the effect that these activities have on your mood. What feels satisfying is not necessarily good for your mood. Do you have a sad playlist? Trust me, I understand how satisfying and affirming it can feel to sit next to the window on a rainy day in your frumpiest clothes and listen to Adele while bawling your eyes out. She just gets it. As humans, we have an interesting tendency to gravitate toward stuff like that. Every once in awhile, it’s okay to do this. Sometimes we just need music to be like that friend who sits with you and pats your back while they acknowledge your misery. Other times we need music to be that friend that tells you to get off your ass and take better care of yourself. I am being specific about music here, but it would serve you well to understand how all different types of recreational activities have an effect on your mood. Sure, your “All the Feels” playlist may be morbidly satisfying when you are already down in the dumps, but does it have a positive effect on your mood? Probably not. Setting yourself up for success sometimes means making the choice to listen to something else instead of driving yourself deeper into that nasty whirlpool of depression.
The same goes for books and games. Many of us have that one story that inevitably whisks us away to another world where we are always welcomed back with open arms. Of course, art of any form has a healthy element of escapis
m built into it, but does that temporary departure from the real world serve to inspire and motivate you, or does it just make this world seem that much more bleak and meaningless when you come back from your journey? You might be surprised about the way in which these things affect your mood when you take a step back and get really honest with yourself about it.
Look, you are allowed to feel like shit sometimes. You are allowed to dive deep down to the bottom of the well of your own feelings, searching for understanding in the pages of a book, in the flicker of a screen, or in the lyrics of a song. But if you want to kick this depressive state that you are stuck in, you are going to have to be smart about it. That deliciously dramatic misery cannot be the norm. Your depression is like a mold that wants to keep growing until it covers you entirely. If you keep giving it the perfect conditions to grow, it will be very difficult to pull out of that self-sabotaging mode. Use your self-awareness to avoid feeding your depression and instead create the conditions for change and progress.
The classic self-improvement guru Jim Rohn is credited with the popular quote, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” There is most definitely some validity to this idea. We all have friends and family of different varieties. If you really give yourself the chance to think about it, you can probably single out a few people in your life who have a very predictable effect on your mood. The people who have a positive effect are easy to recognize. They are that one friend who always lifts you up and motivates you no matter how much you hate yourself at that particular moment in time. They are that family member who has actually been there before and can relate to you when you talk about the things you’re going through. I probably don’t need to tell you about the obviously negative ones. You already know them as the people that can make you feel frustrated, pissed off, misunderstood, or guilty, without fail. The answer for those people is probably a bit obvious. If you can spend less time with them for your own sake, it may be the wise choice. Remember those logical barometers that we talked about in the chapter about your thinking patterns? Well, those trusted advisors are also great people to help you determine whether it makes sense to see less of a person or cut ties altogether.
