Witch Is How To Fool Cats

by Adele Abbott

  “I doubt anyone will see their money again.”

  “That’s very hard on people like Donny the Dustbin’s mother.”

  “I set up a CatFundMe page this morning to try and recover some of the cash she lost. It’s only been up a few hours, and we’ve already raised half of the money.”

  “That’s great. Well done you.”

  My phone rang.

  “Jill, it’s Julie Moore. I’m just returning your call from Friday.”

  “Thanks for calling back, Julie. It’s just a quick question, really. Can you tell me which solicitor your husband used to draw up his Will?”

  “It was Hubert Bridge, from Bridge, Bridge, Bridge, and Coleman.”

  “Really? Okay, thanks.”

  “Why do you ask, Jill?”

  “Just a hunch I’m working on. I’ll let you know if anything comes of it.”

  After I’d finished on the call, I went through to the outer office.

  “Mrs V, I’ve just spoken to Julie Moore. It seems that Hubert Bridge drew up her husband’s Will. That’s way too much of a coincidence for my liking. Will you take another look at all the charities listed in all three of the Wills? This time, though, can you specifically check what date they were set up. Also, can you make a list of the names of the people controlling them?”

  “I’ll get straight onto it.”

  It was half an hour later, and Winky was fast asleep on the sofa, but he soon woke up when my office door flew open. In walked an irate Sylvester Songspinner followed by an equally angry Mrs V.

  “I’m sorry, Jill. I told this gentleman that he couldn’t see you without an appointment.”

  “It’s okay, Mrs V, I can handle this.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I’ll be fine, thanks.”

  “How dare you?” Songspinner spat the words.

  “How did you find me, Sylvester?”

  “Never mind how I found you. What are you going to do about those dreadful billboards?”

  “I thought you’d be pleased to see your face up in lights.”

  “That photo of me has been doctored. It makes me look thirty years older than I actually am. Why am I bald in the picture? And what’s all that nose hair? I don’t have nose hair.”

  “It doesn’t feel very nice when someone messes with your image, does it?”

  “You’re not trying to compare what I did to those awful billboards are you?”

  “You sold merchandise that had a picture of me with a moustache. That’s every bit as bad as far as I’m concerned.”

  “But those billboards are massive and they’re all over Candlefield. You have to get them taken down.”

  “I’ll be glad to.”

  “You will?”

  “Yes. Just as soon as you’ve bought back and destroyed all the merchandise that has my doctored image on it.”

  “But it’ll cost me a small fortune to do that, and I’ve already spent most of the money I got for it.”

  “Not my problem.”

  “But I can’t afford it.”

  “Please yourself, but until you do, the billboards stay up.”

  “Alright. Alright. I’ll buy back the merchandise.”

  “And destroy it?”

  “Yes. Then you promise you’ll take down the billboards?”

  “You have my word. But I’ll be checking on you, and if I find even one piece of that merchandise still for sale anywhere in Candlefield, the billboards will go back up. Understood?”

  “Yes. Understood.” He stormed back out of the office.

  “You really don’t take any prisoners, do you?” Winky grinned.

  A little later, Mrs V came through to my office.

  “Jill, there’s another angry man out there who wants to see you.”

  “Did he give a name?”

  “He said to tell you Buddy was here about his boots.”

  Oh bum!

  “You’d better show him in.”

  Buddy the balloon man was not full of the joys of spring.

  “Hi, Buddy.”

  “Don’t Buddy me. You promised that you’d be outside Coffee Games at four o’clock on Saturday to return my boots.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Winky giving me the strangest look.

  “Yeah, I’m so sorry about that. It’s a funny story, actually.”

  “Do I look like I’m in the mood for your funny stories?”

  He really didn’t.

  “It was a matter of life and death,” I said.

  “Where are they?”

  “Where’s what?”

  “My boots!”

  “I don’t actually have them with me at the moment.”

  “Where are they?”

  “I’m not really sure.”

  “Are you telling me that you’ve lost them?”

  “Not lost, so much as temporarily misplaced.”

  “I’ll take the money for a replacement pair, then.”

  “Fair enough. How much?”

  “Three hundred and fifty pounds.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. That’s outrageous.”

  “It’s how much they cost.” He took out his phone. “I’ll show you.”

  Moments later, I was looking at a website I never thought I’d have occasion to view. The only thing they sold were supplies for deep sea divers, and sure enough, the price he’d quoted me was dead on.

  “But these are brand new. Couldn’t you get some second-hand?”

  “Do you know how hard it is to find second-hand diver’s boots?”

  “Not easy, I’m guessing.”

  “You’d be right.”

  “Okay. I’ll give you the cash, but you’ll have to come back tomorrow for it. I don’t have that kind of money on me.”

  “Make sure you draw out five-hundred pounds.”

  “Why five hundred?”

  “Three hundred and fifty for the boots and seventy-five per day for two days’ lost earnings. I haven’t been able to sell any balloons without my boots.”

  “Okay. Five hundred it is.”

  “I’ll be back at the same time tomorrow.” He too stormed out of the office.

  “And then you wonder why you don’t have any money.” Winky laughed.

  “Kick a girl when she’s down, why don’t you?”

  “At least I’m not wearing deep sea diver’s boots while I do it.”

  Soon after Buddy had left, Mrs V came through to my office again.

  “Please don’t tell me there’s yet another irate man out there?”

  “Not this time. I just wanted to report back on what I’ve found out about the charities.”

  “Take a seat, and fill me in.”

  “Three of them were set up within the last two years. And one of the new ones appears in each of the Wills.”

  “Really? What about the people controlling them?”

  “That’s even more interesting. Just look at these names.” She put a piece of paper on my desk.

  “Heather Gypnot, Heath Pengory and Grant Hopethey? They’re all weird names, but other than that, I don’t see the connection?”

  “This might help.” She took something out of her pocket and slapped it down on the desk. It was the programme from the lawyers’ social event, which she’d thrown in the bin earlier.

  “I’m probably being a little dim, Mrs V, but I still don’t know what you’re getting at.”

  “Look at the performer who was top of the bill.”

  “The Great Hypno? A hypnotist, I assume?”

  “Yes, and a very good one if you like that kind of thing. Not me. Seen one, seen them all.”

  “What does The Great Hypno have to do with these three people?”

  “Didn’t you ever do anagrams when you were at school, Jill?”

  “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

  “Yes. Those three names are all anagrams of The Great Hypno.”

  And that’s when the penny dropped.

&
nbsp; “Hold on. Didn’t Armi say that the top of the bill was—”

  “Hubert Bridge. That’s right.”

  “Mrs V, have I ever told you that you’re a genius?”

  “Thank you, dear.”

  “Will you give Mr Bridge a call and make an appointment for me to see him as soon as possible?”

  ***

  I couldn’t get in to see Bridge until the following day, but I wasn’t worried because that would give me time to work on my ingenious plan.

  Later that afternoon, I had another visitor, but this one was friendly. If I wasn’t mistaken, Seth Price was looking very pleased with life.

  “I just popped in to say a big thank you for the work you did. If you hadn’t figured out what was happening, I’m not sure our business here in Washbridge would’ve survived.”

  “Have you been to the police and told them about Dunston?”

  “How could I? I’m not sure they would have believed me once I started talking about ‘doppelganger’ spells. And, besides, I don’t want to run the risk of attracting the attention of the rogue retrievers.”

  “You’ve confronted Eddie Dunston, though, haven’t you?”

  “Of course. He denied it at first. He said he didn’t know what I was talking about, but when I told him that I’d had someone working undercover, and that they had a video recording of what happened in the industrial unit, he soon changed his tune.”

  “I didn’t record a video.”

  “He doesn’t know that, though. What gets me is that it was all so unnecessary. I would’ve been happy to help Eddie to set up his business here in Washbridge. There would have been plenty of work for both of us.”

  “What’s he going to do now?”

  “He says he’s still going ahead with his plans. There’s nothing much I can do to stop him, but I will make it my business to make sure that he has to fight for every order. I intend to do the same in Candlefield too. We used to have a good working relationship over there, but that’s all ended now. All’s fair in love and business from now on. Anyway, enough of Dunston, what about your bill, Jill?”

  I pressed the talk button on the intercom. “Mrs V, can you prepare the invoice for Mr Price please?”

  “Will do, Jill. It’ll be ready in a minute.”

  “Before I leave, there is one other thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

  “Fire away.”

  “I was wondering if you’d consider working part-time for me as a gram?”

  “Me?”

  “Why not? All the feedback on your gig was very positive. We don’t get many requests for witches, but those that we do get I could put your way. What do you say? Would you be interested?”

  “I’m very flattered, but it’s really not for me.”

  “Okay, well thanks again for everything you’ve done. I’ll pick up the bill on my way out and make sure you get paid within a couple of days.”

  After he’d left, Winky jumped onto my desk. “That guy’s business is clearly doomed.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If he thinks you can sing, the man obviously has major problems.”

  “I’ll have you know that not only am I an accomplished singer, but I also won an award for my expertise on the penny whistle this week.”

  “Yeah, and I’ve been nominated for the Oscars.”

  Chapter 26

  “I think we should go over it one more time,” I said.

  “We’ve been over it five times already, Jill.” Jack sighed. “I’m trying to eat my breakfast here.”

  “Never mind your breakfast. This is far more important. If we don’t get the timing exactly right, the whole thing will fall apart.”

  “I know that, and I’ve got the details down pat. Stop worrying, will you?”

  “What about Sushi? Are you sure she’ll go along with the plan?”

  “Once I’ve told her everything we know, yes.”

  “But you know how she feels about me.”

  “That’s irrelevant. Despite what you may think, Susan is a good copper. Once she realises that this guy is responsible for three murders, she won’t let her feelings about you get in the way of doing what’s right. Can I eat my muesli now?”

  “I don’t know. Can you? Don’t you have to build yourself up to that ordeal?”

  When I left for work, the Normals were in their front garden with their alphorns.

  “How are you both?”

  “Never better,” Norm said. “I was only saying to Naomi this morning that I feel like I’ve had a new lease of life.”

  “Did you know that our wind turbines have been removed, Jill?” Naomi said.

  “Yes, I saw the lorries outside your house the other day. What went wrong?”

  “Apparently, it was some kind of scam. We don’t know the details, but they’ve removed the wind turbines and restored the garden to its original state. It’s a pity because we stood to make a real saving on our electricity bills. Still, at least we haven’t lost any money on the deal.”

  “It’s a shame it didn’t work out for you. Anyway, I’d better get going. Have a nice day.”

  “You too, Jill.” Norm gave me a quick blast on his horn.

  ***

  After a quick call to Jack to make sure everything was in place, I went to the offices of Bridge, Bridge, Bridge and Coleman.

  “Thank you for agreeing to see me at such short notice, Mr Bridge.”

  “That’s okay, but you do realise I can’t discuss Paula Green’s affairs unless she is present.”

  “Of course. I understand.”

  “How is Paula, anyway?”

  “She would be a lot better if someone hadn’t murdered her husband.”

  “Murdered? I understood it was suicide?”

  “That’s what everyone was meant to think. And, of course, there’s the small matter of the money that was stolen from her husband’s estate.”

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t follow.”

  “It seems that some of his money was paid to one of the many charities that you control.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Really? It’s not like this is the first time you’ve done it, is it? Before John Green, there was Philip Moore and Valerie Stead.”

  “I think it would be best if you left.”

  I placed a sheet of paper on his desk. “Do you recognise any of these?”

  He stared at the three anagram names.

  “No. Who are they?”

  “Nice try, Mr Bridge. Or should I call you The Great Hypno? How did you pick your victims? They had to be wealthy, obviously. That was a given. They had to be philanthropists too, didn’t they? That way when they added your ‘charity’ to the list in their Will, no one would have given it a second thought.”

  “I’m impressed.” He smirked. “You’re smarter than I gave you credit for.”

  “And once they’d changed their Will, all you had to do was hasten their demise. And what better way than to get them to take their own lives? All it needed was a word from you.”

  “Two words, actually, but yes, that’s pretty accurate. Not that it will do you any good.”

  “I think you’ll find—”

  “Look into my eyes, Jill. You’re feeling tired.”

  “I’m feeling tired.”

  “Your eyes are heavy, very heavy.”

  “My eyes are very heavy.”

  “When I snap my fingers, you’ll forget that this meeting ever took place. You will also forget all the information you have gathered on me, my charities and The Great Hypno. Do you understand?”

  “I understand.”

  “And, Jill, when you hear the words ‘lightning strike’, you will take your own miserable life. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  “I understand.”

  As I made my way back to my office, my phone rang.

  “Hello?” I said.

  “Lightning strike.”

  I turned to face the bus
y road. One more step and it would all be over.

  ***

  “How did it go, Jack?”

  “Like a dream. Susan Shay has just called me to say that Hubert Bridge has been arrested.”

  “That’s great. Were there any problems?”

  “None. She and I were both listening to your meeting with Bridge.”

  “I was worried the wire might not work.”

  “It was fine. We could hear every word.”

  “Hey, Jack, did you ever stop to think that he might actually have managed to hypnotise me?”

  “I—err—”

  “It’s a good job for you that he didn’t, or I might have thrown myself under a bus when you said the trigger words just now.”

  “Oh heck. I never thought about that. I’m really sorry.”

  “That’s okay. You can make it up to me tonight.”

  “Okay. I’ll make dinner.”

  “It wasn’t dinner I had in mind.”

  “I like the sound of that even more.”

  “I’m going to give Paula Green and the other two a call, to see if they can spare me a few minutes.”

  “To tell them what?”

  “That their partners didn’t commit suicide.”

  “You really ought to wait until it’s official.”

  “Thank you for your advice, Detective Maxwell.”

  “You’re going to contact them anyway, aren’t you?”

  “See you tonight, Jack. Love you.”

  ***

  Even though it was short notice, Paula Green, Roy Stead, and Julie Moore were all very keen to hear what I’d discovered, and we’d agreed to meet at Paula’s house.

  “It’s very important that you all understand what I’m about to tell you is not official yet, and it must not be repeated outside of these four walls.”

  They all nodded their agreement.

  “I can now say with some confidence that your partners’ deaths were not suicide.”

  “I knew it,” Paula said.

  Julie Moore began to cry.

  “Val would never have taken her own life.” Roy took a deep breath. “What really happened, Jill?”

  I spent the next few minutes telling them everything I knew: How Bridge had used his hypnosis skills to get their partners to add one of his fake charities to their Wills. And how he’d implanted a deadly suggestion in their minds, which he would later trigger, causing them to take their own lives.