The strongest thing you will ever do in life is make the decision to love yourself! Be yourself. Fucking shine! And don’t let anyone or anything ever dull your damn sparkle.
Especially when you never believed you could before. And even more, when everyone, everything, at every turn tells you you never will.
Be enough, for yourself first. Know your worth and invest every damn penny you have into never letting anyone take that away from you.
Don’t judge yourself, others will do that enough for you. To the world they may see that you are broken, but always remember the strength it took to put yourself back together again by your own two hands. The world will always find a crack, a small piece it can focus on. But the beauty is in the fact that you made yourself whole again, and only those who don’t believe in salvation, your ability to give yourself your own personal deliverance from a hell on earth, will focus on the scars.
Don’t ever look back. Move forward, and embrace each damn chapter in your story like it’s the last. Pull from the good. Let go of the bad. For light shines where there is truth, and in those moments the darkness doesn’t ever stand a chance.
If you’re reading this, know you’ve already won. Even when you never ever thought you could. You made it, one more day. And what’s more, you’ve shown you have the strength to make it one more.
Never give up. Never stop fighting.
One day, you’ll feel it, and you’ll know. You’ll look up and find the person that shows you how you should have been treated all along.
And you know what?
That person is you.
You are so much more than anything the darkness tries to make you believe.
Remember that as you continue towards the light at the end of a dark tunnel and know that I believe in you.
Always have. Always will. Forever.
The best friend you never knew you had,
Rose
*****
The last words in my letter to myself make my breath catch in my throat as I turn the handle and hear the voices inside the room and finally, the ones in my head forever stop.
“But I want to go home,” I hear Liam whine and my heart leaps out of my chest. He’s so close, finally so near my breathing halts as I hear his voice for the first time in what seems like forever. “I want my mommy. I want Justin…”
“What did I tell you about saying his name!” I hear a smack and my body quakes with anger as I have to tell myself to calm down and remember what Leo and Justin said.
Haste makes waste. He who goes slow, goes safe and far. Go slow. Be aware of your surroundings. Don’t take any step for fucking granted.
I have to remember that if we are going to win, even when that bastard that I used to call my husband just hit my son. I hear his low cry across the room as I push into the space and don’t see anyone. A partition blocks my view and I keep my eyes up, alert, as I slowly, easily take a few steps in further attempting to not even make a sound.
“He’ll forget it in time,” I hear the witch say. Natasha Volkov. A woman I wish I could personally wipe from the face of the earth. “Just like he will learn to forget the name of his own mother.” The venom in her tone pours out and causes me to want to go back on what I just told myself. To not take it slow when all I want is to make her pay for the way she is attempting to take what is mine.
A door opens across the room behind the partition and I wait as I look behind me, at the one I just snuck through, and see Leo and Justin make their way inside the space as well flanking both my right and left side. I catch Justin’s eye for only a brief moment before he looks towards where Liam is and I turn to take direction from Leo. He stands poised for any threat as he takes his left hand off his gun for a moment and motions for me to go further.
With a deep breath I turn back towards the partition and continue.
“We’re all set,” I hear the guard from earlier say, making me realize he was the one who walked back in the room a moment before. Dylan comes over the earpiece and tells us backup has us barricaded, and my breathing evens out a little knowing that all known threats are hopefully now in this room and there is no possibility of escape. “The chopper will touch down in five minutes.” I hear the guard say again. “Are you sure you don’t want me to grab your things, Sir?”
Out of the corner of my eye I see Justin move smoothly to a bookcase and survey the area. He crouches low, taking aim and then motions for us to continue in further once he has his shot lined up.
My shaky hands raise and I feel the pistol at my waist. The one the two men beside me showed me how to use briefly before we left the safety of the first room earlier. I know what I have to do if the time comes and it doesn’t scare me one bit to do it. What worries me is Liam. The fear that one of them will do something to him to get to me. Get me off my game and find my weakness. But I push that aside as I walk further towards the group at the far side of the room and watch as Leo quickly, quietly moves to the right and gives me a nod that he has me covered.
If I am about to face death, I’m going to do so with every ounce of strength, of hope, or faith for the future I have left.
One day, you’ll look up and find the person that shows you how you should have been treated all along.
That person is you.
With my head held high, I round the partition and take in the startled expressions of the people in the room. All weapons raise. My son’s scream fills my ears, but I don’t flinch. I don’t fucking fear. I look what I’ve been scared to face right in the fucking eye and know the truth. No matter what happens. I’ve won. I won the moment I started finally believing in myself. And if there is one legacy I want to leave, one thing I want my children to see, is that I never stopped believing. I never gave up hope. I never gave up faith that one day, I would make it through. I looked death in the eye and never fucking blinked, because I knew the damn truth. That I am a fighter. And that life, every damn second of it, is worth fighting for!
Justin
“Drop your weapons!” I hear Leo yell as I watch each person in the room stand fully alert, their hands on their guns, and I feel my blood rushing through my veins making this whole situation almost feel euphoric. A dream. A damn nightmare that I pray we wake up from.
Michael’s low sinister laugh rings through the room from where his sorry ass sits in a chair, his wounded leg a mess of blood and torn skin. He attempts to stand as Rose takes another step towards the four of them.
“We said, drop your damn weapons,” I repeat, as I watch Natasha hold Liam back by his shoulders when all he wants to do, all he should be allowed to do, is run to the woman who gave him life. The one risking her own right now to keep him safe and bring him home.
Michael finally gets on his shaky feet as I take another step forward into the room. “What is it that we agreed to earlier, Amigo. Dead bodies. Or have you forgotten my promise to make sure you’re no longer a threat.”
My jaw ticks as I lower my stare and look at Liam. His eyes are red from crying and a visible handprint stains his cheek from the smack the man in front of me put there a moment ago. I cock my gun and tell myself to hold back. Stand down. At least for now, until he gives me what I need to put a bullet in his head and never once, for the rest of my damn life, feel any sort of regret over it. The way I finally do now for everything I have been blaming myself for in my past.
“You’ve lost,” I hear Rose quietly say, as she takes a step forward and continues to cross the room. I am close behind her, keeping an eye on all three threats in front of me before I turn and look quickly and notice Leo do the same. “In fact, you never really won.”
I look back in time to see Natasha try and pull Liam with her back towards the door. I give her a warning look before focusing back on the guard at Michael’s right and taking another step closer.
“Rosie,” I hear Michael whisper, as he moves unsteady on his feet and hobbles a step towards us. “I’ll always fucking win. You proved that a long time ago, sweet
heart. When all you could do was coward away, believe any fucking thing I ever told you. You never stood a chance. Your mother didn’t. Our daughter doesn’t. The best thing I ever did was to give you what you always asked for. A reason to keep believing the lies. To keep thinking, knowing, that you’d be better off endlessly beating yourself up over what you could never, ever, obtain. The self-control, the fucking confidence you needed to fight for yourself.”
The man to his right moves backwards and I don’t even hesitate. I shoot off a round near his head, making him cower back into place and know who the fuck is really in charge here. And damn it, she’s more beautiful than I have ever seen her before as she takes her stand. My fucking Sunshine facing her darkness and not letting it control her any longer.
Liam slips out of Natasha’s grasp and quickly darts towards his mother. But his advance is cut off as she grabs for him and catches the back of his shirt. Another shot rings out, this time from Leo, as a bullet grazes past Natasha and she quickly lets him go.
“I promise you,” I hear Leo seethe as he takes another step closer and keeps his eye on Natasha. “Next time, I won’t miss. The boy deserves his mother, not a woman who is no better than the rat I always knew she was.”
“Fuck you, Leonardo!” She shouts back as I watch Liam cling to Rose and a small piece of what we came here for finally slips into place. But even with Liam secure, freedom has a price all its own, and something tells me the time has finally come to pay up. “You think I don’t know the shit you’ve been hiding? Who you’d fucking sell out if it meant getting to where you want to be? Your power, your strength, it all comes from all the people you have stepped on along the way. You’re no better than me. So get off your fucking high horse and stop thinking you are!”
Leo’s laugh rings through the space. “In my line of work, Natasha, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only thing you have left. What I love, who I love, always comes first. That is something I am not ashamed to admit and will die protecting. That’s where I pull my strength from. I made a promise to myself a long time ago. Sopravvivere. (survive) Right now, you, your man, you’re the only ones standing in the way of me being able to do just that.”
He cocks his gun again and I see the fear flash in her eyes as she flinches. “Stand down!” He warns.
I take another step to Rose’s side and glance down at the little man clutching his mom’s leg. Giving him a wink, a small smile actually crosses his face and I watch as some of his fear, his tension, leaves before I turn my attention back to the business at hand.
“I came here for my son,” I hear Rose say sternly as the man to Michael’s right cocks his weapon and aims it directly at her.
“You shoot, you’ll be doing it with the last fucking breath you ever take,” I grit out as I take aim and make sure if I have to pull the trigger, my threat is absolutely right.
“I’m not leaving here without him.” I hear the woman, my whole damn world, confess at my side.
“You want to go, go!” I hear Michael shout, catching both me and Rose off guard. “No one is holding you back, Rosie, except yourself. Except what you have taught yourself to believe. The truth that you don’t want to see.”
“No Michael, that is where you are wrong.” I hear Rose say, as she takes a step forward. “I know the truth.”
He laughs as his head tilts back and he pulls his gun from his hip. “Lies,” he says, as he lifts his weapon up and cocks it, aiming straight for Liam’s head. In a spit second I watch Rose do the same, pulling the gun I strapped her with earlier and protecting what is hers. What was always hers, and never wavering for one damn instant. “All fucking lies.”
“I’m not afraid of lies anymore, Michael.” I hear Rose say, as she clutches Liam to her side and stands tall. “Because I finally learned to see through the darkness. I finally found myself in the pain. And I learned, the biggest truth of all.”
I watch as her hand slowly cocks the gun. “And what is that?” I hear Michael whisper.
“You have no power over me!”
A shot rings out and I don’t even breathe, I don’t even blink for one damn second as I throw myself in front of Rose and Liam. Another shot. Another second. Another breath, as I tackle them to the floor and throw my body across them both for cover.
I look up and notice Michael on the floor, his guard beside him lying in his own pool of lies, deceit, as our back up finally arrives and tension leaves me momentarily knowing it’s all over.
Two more shots. Rose flinches as she stares in my eyes, scared. Afraid. But she has nothing to be afraid of anymore.
“Are you OK?” I manage to say as I examine Rose and Liam for any wounds. Suddenly pain fills my left side and I look up to see Leo moving forward and hear Natasha scream in horror. Searching Rose and Liam’s bodies, a small sliver of relief fills me. Nothing. They’re OK. I did what I promised myself I would. I protected what’s mine.
“Stand down!” I hear Leo say to Natasha. “I fucking warned you and look what happened to your men.”
“I’m unarmed.” I hear her cry as Leo then rushes to her side and I recognize the sound of him searching her a moment later.
“Justin,” I hear Rose plead, as my head quickly feels heavy, my eyes grow tired and I can hear Liam’s cry start to echo through my ears. I try to help, try to look at him and see why, but my vision fades slightly as my head starts to fall back and it takes all my strength to keep it up right. “Justin, look at me!’
Pain. So much fucking pain, but I can’t look up. Not yet. Not until the fog clears. Not until.. the pain… the darkness…
“Justin!”
I fall backwards and barely catch myself from hitting the floor. Bracing myself on my elbows, I try to find her. My light. My sunshine. But she’s slowly slipping away.
“Oh my god!” I hear her yell, as my eyelids close and the blur, the fog, thickens and starts to take over. “Leo! Help! Someone! Fucking help!”
Chapter 15
Rose
Georgia
Three weeks later
I look down at the grave in front of me and close my eyes.
Gone.
He’s forever gone!
It’s not possible.
Liam’s hand tightens in my own and I choke back the tears. The ones I won’t let myself cry. The ones that I haven’t let fall since that day three weeks ago when he took his last breath.
One. Two. Three.
Breathe.
But my old mantra is useless. Gone forever. Just like the man in front of me.
“Mommy,” I hear Liam’s weary voice whisper a moment later before I hear Olivia’s cry. I look up and see Erica, her face just as unbelieving as my own as she stands opposite me at the grave and we both find it hard to believe the truth.
Gone!
There is no salvation from this fate. No deliverance from what happened. No awakening from what transpired in the end.
All that is left are the memories and the all too certain reality that no matter what, nothing, no one can ever change what happened in the end.
It is better this way.
A far off voice echoes in the back of my mind making me feel sick from even letting the idea come back to haunt me.
How did we get here?
It doesn’t hurt forever you know. I remember Justin saying the night we went out for sushi. The pain. The hurt. The way I see you torture yourself grasping on to any last memory like you’re afraid one day you’ll let it slip away. Believe me when I say, you won’t. Trust me.
I don’t regret anything, I promise myself as I look into the earth at my feet. Trust me. I never could.
“Mommy,” I hear Liam say again, and this time I look down to his small face, thankful that he is safe. That what we went through, all that had to happen, brought him back to me. To his sister. To a life I am so thankful we get to share together, even with the sacrifice’s others had to make.
I close my eyes as the tears threaten one more
time and shake the thoughts away. “Yeah buddy?”
“Can we go home now?” He asks, shy and timid, and I know I have to walk away. I know I have to put one foot in front of the other, like he taught me to, and walk back into life stronger for it.
“Sure, we can go home.” I look up to my friend across from me and she catches on in an instant.
“Come on, Liam. Help me get your sister in her car seat and then I’ll let you play that game on my phone we both promised we wouldn’t tell your mother about,” she gives me a little wink followed by a smile to grant me the strength I need as I stand here, as I say goodbye, and then she gestures for Liam to come around the grave and take her hand.
I watch as he does. My future starting even though I still have one foot in the past, and then look back down at the mess of things I’ve somehow made.
Liam’s words ring through my ears from that day he was taken away from us and I close my eyes as the pain they bring back threatens to haunt me forever.
“Because I miss having a daddy.”
Then I hear his voice, the one that will always bring me back to my light and I almost lose all control as I stand at the end of a long battle we both never expected.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Sunshine. I tried and I failed.”
But he didn’t fail. He never could. I failed myself.
I failed.
And as I stand in the late afternoon sun and look down at the hole beneath me, I promise to never fail myself, or him, ever again. Yes, my whole life has been a battle, and it will always be, but I am stronger for it.
You’ll break your own heart holding on to whatever is dragging you under, Rose. I remember Brittany telling me. Sometimes, the hardest thing you’ll ever learn in life is how to take a deep breath, push down, and pull yourself through everything that’s built up underneath the surface until you reach the bottom. The good thing about hitting the bottom is there is only one way left to go, and that’s up. After the push and the pull, something happens inside and you’re finally set free. You can finally fly.
Awakening Page 14
