Fly, something I never thought I was possible of, but know now I was just being held back by the lies that I let myself believe.
Don’t ever be sorry. I hear Leo’s voice say. Own it, and don’t let it own you. Fight Rose. Your course in life is like an arrow. You can only charge forward sometimes by being pulled back. When life is dragging you back into all its stress, anxiety, pain, regret, remember that means it’s about to launch you into something great.
I smile to myself and finally feel all that I have been denying my heart all along the longer I stayed in the darkness.
Focus. Keep aiming.
Be prepared every damn day to confront your own self-sabotage.
And never ever stop fucking fighting.
What I’ve been through, were I have come from, to the rest of the world I may look broken. Beaten down. A woman who has gone through hell and had to fight her way back to life. And finally, I see the beauty in wearing those scars like wings. I put myself back together with my own two hands and the strength of those who believed in me. Who stood by me when I thought I had no one and gave me hope to finally see how strong I really am. I made myself whole again, and that is something that no one can take away from me for as long as I live.
The enemy doesn’t stand a chance when the victim decides to survive.
Stay strong and look the devil himself in the eyes. No one can harm you unless you hand them the weapon to do it with yourself.
“You have no power over me!”
With a heavy soul and forever leaving a piece of me behind, I turn and look towards the future. One I never expected but hoped for when I was at my lowest and know that no matter what, I will never let myself go back, never let myself believe the lies. Even if they threaten, even if they try and make their way back into my mind, I know now without a doubt that I believe in myself and I will do everything in my power to always win.
*****
“But, I thought we were going home?” I hear Liam ask with deep question as we pull up an hour later to a small little house out in the country. I look up in the rearview mirror and see the pure happiness and excitement that mirrors my own etched across Erica’s face as she sits with Olivia in the back seat.
The house is white, with a wrap around porch and a rope swing out front dangling in all its temptation from a large tree that looks like it was planted ages ago. Black shutters adorn the windows with a cobble stone path that leads up to a red front door. Sitting on 10 acres, the nearest house is far enough away that we’re invisible, and I won’t lie and say that wasn’t part of the allure when I purchased it and dove head first into this perfect new life I am embarking on.
“This is home,” I whisper, once I find my voice. “Our new home.” I hear Olivia’s small voice babble from the back seat and look over to my son next to me in the passenger seat. “What do you think, buddy? Do you like it?”
I hear the front door open and watch as Liam’s face lights up like it always does when he is near. “Yeah momma, I do. We’re finally home.”
He bolts out of the car and takes off running towards the front porch. Looking up, I lock eyes with the man who risked his life to save my own and feel exactly the way I did when he came barreling into my life, stealing my breath away, and giving me what I needed to fight. To live. To believe in myself and find my way when I was lost in the darkness.
Justin Gatz. My savior. My best friend. And a man I will love with all my heart and soul until the day I die.
“Hey buddy,” he exclaims as I follow my son’s lead down the pathway and then watch him hurl himself into the man I love arms a moment later. I watch as a slight grimace graces his face, his side still tender from the wound he suffered a few weeks back in Cuba.
After Michael was shot through the head by my own hand, silencing him once and for all, I thought about what was the right thing to do. I could have left him in Cuba. I could have exposed him for what he really was. But the truth was, even if he was the devil to me, he still deserved an honorable burial and so I did what I thought was right and brought him back to the states and gave him just that. A final goodbye I was more than happy to make earlier this afternoon.
I don’t think Dylan ever really recovered from knowing his wife was almost shot and killed and immediately began begging her to retire the second we brought her back to the safe house in Cuba. Maria was waiting there also. I guess I didn’t lie about that one when I slipped into the car and tricked Pam, and she had her own choice words to say to her husband about putting his life on the line. But I could see it in her eyes, how thankful she was to call that man her own. A man that does whatever it takes, and always will, even if society tells him it is wrong, to bring justice to those who deserve it most. Like the man before me, I owe him a debt of gratitude I might never have the opportunity to repay him for.
“So this is the surprise,” I hear Liam exclaim as I take the couple steps up the front porch and smile at the man in front of me. “I thought you said it was…”
But my son is quickly cut off as Justin’s hand covers his mouth and a small laugh escapes his lips. “Shhhhh,” he warns playfully. “What did I tell you happens if we spill this secret?” He lovingly takes his hand slowly away from my son’s lips and I watch as a grin breaks across his small face before he rolls his eyes.
“Work out, I know. I still don’t know why mom waits until we go to bed to work out all night,” I can’t help the laugh that escapes my lips as he sets my son down and he runs into the house, eager to check out his new home.
“You know, one day he is going to catch on to what you mean and you will have some explaining to do.”
“Not for a long time, Sunshine,” he winks at me. “Now come on, I got something I want to ask you.”
I look back at Erica who pauses for a moment on the front steps with Olivia in her arms and gives me a small shrug. But oh, the woman behind me totally knows what is going on right now as she then smiles and I fight the urge to tell her I have spent too much time in fucking darkness to find any part of this situation funny. Okay, well maybe just a little.
“What is going on?” I ask as I stand back and wait for her to reach my side. “I’ve had enough surprises for one lifetime,” I whisper as she pushes past me and ignores my plea to understand what may be lurking behind the door. The door to a house we were able to buy cash because Michael’s mother had a small dose of conscious and gifted what was rest of her son’s insurance policy to me after she learned the truth of what he had done.
“You’ll see,” I hear Erica sing-song as she passes before she looks at Olivia in her arms. “Auntie E promised she wouldn’t spoil anything. Even if this little girl’s mommy begged, pleaded, fucking offered to do anything if I told her.”
She saunters past and through the door and I shake my head with a smile. “Language, Auntie E! God, the people in my life really have to learn to listen to what I say.”
But every thought, every memory, every breath I have ever held in my whole entire life fails me as I pull open the door to our new home and step across the threshold.
Rose petals. Thousands of them. Red, yellow, coral, line the floor with candles letting off an alluring glow in the late afternoon shadows that shade the entry way. I look up and catch the eyes of my guardian angel. My savior. The man who stood by my side and helped me piece myself back together again. One I know will protect and defend my life with his own, always.
“Rose,” he begins with a shaky voice. “Sunshine.” My hand flies to my mouth as his voice breaks on my name, the one he gave me, and one I never thought I resembled, until he showed me how.
“All my life, I never believed I could be this lucky. Never believed I deserved a chance.” He continues as tears fill his eyes and he takes a step forward. “I thought I was better off dead, until you came along and gave me something to live for. You saved me. From myself. I thought I could never ever be worthy of a love like yours. Like ours. But God, I’m so damn happy to admit I was wrong.”
> A sob escapes my lips as he takes another step forward. I look around, but don’t see Erica, Liam or Olivia anywhere in sight. I wonder for a moment where they might be until I look back and see the man in front of me, the one who will always steal my heart kneel down on one knee and take my hand in his.
“I told you once I was never letting that go. Never walking away. Nothing scares me more than being without you Sunshine. Through any fear, any unknown, through life, I want to know that I have you by my side, always. I love you. Always have. Always will. From the moment I looked in your eyes, felt your soul, and knew how bad I needed you and always would, I understood that my life could never ever be complete unless I called you mine. I want to know I have the right to never stop calling you mine, Rose. To always love you. Be there to protect you, Liam, Olivia. I need that, Rose. I wouldn’t ever be complete without you. Without them. Let me know how it feels to die a happy man, knowing I spent my life with you. Will you marry me Sunshine?”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny black box. My heart thunders in my chest as I look down and watch it slowly open. But the beauty inside is nothing compared to that of the man in front of me. The one down on his knee asking me to give him forever when I promised him that a long time ago and I know that is a promise I will always be able to make and keep, for as long as we both live.
Kneeling down in front of him, I take his face in my hands and bring my lips to his, “I’m going to need you to promise me a little more before I say yes.” I whisper and then watch as confusion crosses through his eyes. My hands roam down his arms, to the velvet box in front of us and I take it and set it aside. Grabbing his hands back in mine, I look up and watch his face as I ask him a question of my own and pray he welcomes it well. “You see, there won’t always be just you, me, Liam or Olivia. Sometimes, life hands you a gift. The unexpected. And all you can do is embrace it.”
A small smile spreads across his face as he pulls me a little closer. “I have all I could ever ask for in the world right here with me, right now. I’m holding all I could ever need, ever ask for. If you’re telling me there is more, Rose, then I’ve just been given more than I could ever ask for.”
Placing his hands against my lower stomach, I smile. “More, Justin. Always more. I wouldn’t expect anything less from our love. If you’ll have us. All of us. Liam. Olivia. Myself, and the life you gave me, the life now growing inside me, my answer is yes. It will always be yes.”
I see his eyes well over with tears but he never lets them fall as he pulls me closer and swallows hard. His eyes fall to my lower stomach, the place I learned only yesterday was holding more than I could ever ask for inside. A child. Our child. And proof that life does go on, it does get sweeter, if you believe, if you let it and embrace the truth. That love never fails. That it really does conquer all. The love you have for those in your life and the love for yourself, even when everything around you tries to drag you under. “You’ve shown me how to love, Rose, and I will do whatever I can to show you, show my children,” he whispers as his voice breaks and his eyes raise and find my own, “For the rest of my life how I am not worthy of the life you have given back to me. I love you. All of you. I’ll always love you, Sunshine. I could never stop.”
“Always have.” I whisper as he smiles and then reaches beside us, slipping the ring from the box and slowly placing it on my finger.
“Always will.” He finishes for me as he pulls me closer and his lips hover above my own.
“Forever.”
The End
Keep reading for an epilogue you don’t want to miss.
Epilogue
Justin
9 months later
“If you don’t drive any faster I swear to God I will give birth in the back of this damn car!”
I smile to myself even though my wife can’t see and know that the way I feel inside is a perfect mixture of happiness and damn near exploding nervous energy as I make my way through the last street on our way to the hospital.
“I swore to protect you, Sunshine. Remember?” I laugh, trying to give some light to the situation. “You, Liam, Olivia, that little bundle you’ve carried and nourished perfectly for the last nine months.” Her screams roar through the car as I quickly pull into the parking lot of the ER and wave bystanders out of our way as I speed to what I hope is the finish line.
“Protect me? If you were really protecting me, you’d find some way to take away the pain. Oh God, the pain,” I hear her wail as a nurse hurries and wheels out a chair for her to sit in once I’ve finally pulled up to the curb, exit the driver’s side and attempt to help her out of the backseat.
“Something tells me that’s their job,” I say, giving the nurse a sympathetic smile knowing the kind of hell she is in for at the hands of my beautiful wife now in very active labor. They start to wheel her away and she yells for them to stop.
“No! Not without him. I won’t do it. I’ll hold it in.” I laugh, because damn it, even in pain she is so damn cute. “I promise you. Not without my husband.” She reaches out as tears fall down her tired face and I kneel down and hold her beautiful face in my hands.
“I’m not going anywhere, Mrs. Gatz.” I say with a smile and watch as a little tension leaves her as another contraction subsides. Mrs. Gatz, hell I am still the luckiest man alive to call her my own. “I’m going to park the car, Sunshine and wait to make sure Liam and Olivia are right behind us with Erica. I’ll be right there, I promise.”
“I can’t do this without you,” she cries. “I can’t…”
I shake my head and hold her hand still in my own. Even with every single emotion ragging inside me I force myself to stay strong. For her. For the life she is bringing into the world. The baby we both decided to wait to find out if it was a boy or a girl.
“Remember, you’ll never have to ask me anything twice,” I say with a reassuring smile. That gets her and she laughs for a moment before the pain takes over again and I slowly watch her face harden as her grip on my hand tightens and the contraction, the pain the life inside her is putting her through, takes over.
“Sir, we need to go now if…” the nurse trials off as my gaze lifts and locks with her own. I give her a nod before leaning in and kissing the top of Roses head.
“You got this,” I say with all the confidence I can as she stares back in my eyes and starts to breathe, slow and steady, like they taught us in class.
She nods and takes another deep breath. “We got this,” she declares and I couldn’t be prouder to call her my own as she once again breathes in strength and exhales all doubt before I watch the nurse begin to take her away.
“We got this,” I repeat, as I turn around and make my way back to the car. We always have. Always will. As long as we’re together, that is all that will ever matter.
Rose
One. Two. Three.
Breathe.
Fucking hell, the pain, the worst damn pain that somehow you forget with each kid you have and then suddenly remember again once it’s time to give birth shots through my stomach and threatens to swallow me alive as the damn near worst pressure known to mankind bottoms out in my pelvis.
“Oh my God!” I scream through clenched teeth as I open my eyes, look down at the doctor between my legs and feel Justin at my side.
“You’re doing great, Rose. The head is out. But I need you to push again, for me. Just one more and you’re done. I promise.”
I know she is right, but as the next contraction grows stronger and the pressure threatens to never leave, I fear I’ll never be free of the pain.
Free. You’ll always hold the power to be free. You just have to believe it for yourself.
I don’t know if it is the hormones or the lack of medication I was able to receive, already being nine centimeters dilated when they wheeled me in, but through my haze I find myself laughing at the irony. The fact that through pain comes strength, and rebirth, and I can’t wait a moment longer to meet the life that Justin and I�
�s love created.
“Come on Sunshine. I believe in you, always Rose. One more and we get to meet what we’ve been waiting for our whole lives. The best part of you and me.”
I look into his eyes and nod, finding the littlest bit I needed to push me over the edge and keep going in his words. The pressure builds. The pain reaches a piercing high. I push down, and just when I think it won’t happen, just when I think I didn’t give enough, life breaks through and a new beginning is born.
I look down as the baby cries and see the doctor slowly lift the child up for me and Justin both to see.
“It’s a girl,” she says, and I cry. I let myself break for all the times I thought I was broken before and refused to give up. For all the times I pushed happiness to the side and believed the lies. As the doctor lifts my daughter in her arms and places her against my chest, I cradle the life I never thought I’d ever be blessed to enjoy in my arms and let myself finally fully find the fullest satisfaction in every moment of it.
Justin’s shaky hand comes up to hold her small head in his palm as I feel his forehead lower to my own as he plants the most tender of kisses against my temple. “What are you going to call her?” The woman says as I look up and into the eyes of the man I love. Our daughter cries in my arms and it’s the most beautiful sound I have ever heard as he then tenderly kisses my lips and we both say a silent prayer for the blessing we’ve been given.
“Anastasia.” I whisper, once the nurse takes my daughter from my arms and Justin follows to ensure her safety as they begin to clean her up. A protector, always, and a man I am so thankful to call my own. “Ana for short.”
Awakening Page 15
