Craving Lily

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  “I don’t know,” I said quietly, trying to work up my courage. Years ago, I’d ridden with my brother and uncle, but since I’d lost my sight, I’d only been able to ride with my dad. I just hadn’t been able to make myself ride with anyone else.

  But I really wanted to be on the back of Leo’s bike. More than I should have, considering his on again, off again relationship with my older sister, even if they were mostly off lately.

  “I’ll take it easy,” he said, laughing. “Go get your stuff and change outta that skirt.”

  “I—” I stuttered, then cleared my throat uncomfortably. “I don’t know where the bedroom is.”

  “Oh, shit. Right.” Leo’s hand met my waist as he wrapped an arm around my back and turned us in the right direction. “Sometimes I completely fuckin’ forget,” he mumbled in my ear.

  “How?”

  “Don’t know. Guess it’s just not one of the things I notice about ya.”

  “Uh, how can you ignore the lack of eye contact?”

  “Usually staring at your tits,” he joked, grunting as I elbowed him in the stomach.

  “I’m kiddin’. Mostly.”

  We shuffled into the bedroom and Leo awkwardly left after making sure that I knew where everything was. He even handed me the jeans I’d been wearing earlier, like I wouldn’t have been able to find them folded neatly on top of my backpack. I wasn’t sure how he’d known the difference between mine and Rose’s, but he had.

  I shook my head as I set my skirt on the end of the bed and shimmied into my jeans. Of all the things that could have happened, having my date stand me up was quite possibly the last thing I would have imagined. It wasn’t like I’d asked him. He’d come to me. It was his fucking idea.

  I hoped Rose was having a good time, but I was pretty sure she was spending the evening in a snit, telling everyone at school that she was going to nut-punch Brent. It wouldn’t even occur to her to keep the fact that I’d been stood up to herself. She didn’t get embarrassed by things like that, and wouldn’t expect me to either.

  I was embarrassed, though. I was so embarrassed, I was already dreading school on Monday. Everyone was going to know. Even if Rose hadn’t said anything, people would know. Our school wasn’t that big, and when the blind chick and the model planned on going to prom together and then never showed up, they would notice. It was the nature of high school.

  After my coat and backpack were secure on my shoulders, I moved forward until I found the door, opening it slowly. I could hear voices in the living room, and was pretty sure I could find my way there without any mishaps, but I still paused in the open doorway.

  Leo… well, he was everything. He was the guy who made sure that there wasn’t anything that I would trip on in the forecourt of the clubhouse. The one who made sure that everyone started pushing their chairs in so I wouldn’t run into them. The guy who sat through Titanic with me even though I couldn’t actually see it, but fast-forwarded through all of the heavy breathing parts like he was embarrassed. I was pretty sure he was the first non-family member who’d ever called me beautiful. The only non-family member I’d ever vented my frustration to.

  My first and only crush.

  The minute I walked into a room, he’d stop fighting with my sister, but never hesitated to swear in front of me if he was pissed about anything else. He gave me crap about my dirty language, but always with a smile in his voice. He treated me like I meant something. Like I could do anything, and he fully expected me to.

  I didn’t know how any guy would ever measure up to him.

  “You good?” Leo’s voice startled me as he called down the short hallway. I’d been too busy daydreaming to even notice his footsteps.

  “Yep, just getting my bearings,” I answered, reaching out to run my hand along the wall as I moved forward. “Now that they’re done with the downstairs, I’m going to have to come over here more often.”

  “Yeah, but Tommy’s a fuckin’ slob, so be careful even if you think you know where everything is,” he warned me, laying his hand over mine on the wall as I reached him. “Come on, Dandelion, let’s hit the road.”

  “You guys leavin’?” Tommy asked as we walked toward the front door.

  “Yeah, gonna take her home,” Leo replied.

  “Better take her straight home,” Tommy muttered, followed by an audible slap.

  “Shut up, Thomas,” Hawk scolded.

  “Thanks for helping us get ready,” I called to Hawk as Leo opened the front door. “Bye, shithead!”

  “It was fun, you look gorgeous!” Hawk replied, just as Tommy yelled, “Get outta here, brat!”

  Leo helped me down the porch stairs and stopped in the driveway. His helmet was placed on my head as I stood, my eyelids lowered.

  “Gonna have to get a better helmet,” Leo mumbled.

  “I know you guys like these things,” I replied as I slapped his hands from the straps so I could buckle it under my chin myself. “But this kind of helmet doesn’t protect your melon for shit.”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  “And the bugs. So many bugs hitting your face.”

  “It ain’t that bad.” Leo laughed.

  “Bullshit. It’s nasty. I’ve seen the shit caught in your beards.”

  “Not mine,” he argued, helping me onto his bike. “I was too young for a beard back then.”

  “True.” I got centered and waited for him to crawl on in front of me. “Poet’s is the worst. So much beard. So many insects.”

  Leo laughed as he climbed on the bike, then reached back to pull me close and pull my arms around his waist. A few seconds later, the bike was rumbling under us, and for the first time in a long time, I felt an echo of the familiar rush of adrenaline.

  I was too short to rest my chin on his shoulder as we pulled out of the driveway, so I tipped forward until my forehead rested against his back. He smelled like leather and cologne. His t-shirt was thin, and his chest and abs were tight under my hands. I could have sat that way forever, with the wind making my hair brush against my cheeks and his hand occasionally patting the tops of mine.

  Unfortunately, our town wasn’t very big, and only a few minutes later, he slowed down and turned into my driveway. We rolled to a stop, but neither of us moved as the night grew quiet around us.

  “Looks like no one’s home,” he finally said, breaking the silence.

  “It’s cool. I’ve got my key.” I pulled my arms from his waist and scooted back, waiting for him to climb off the bike so I could.

  “I’m not leavin’ you here alone,” he said stubbornly.

  “I’m sixteen,” I reminded him. Wincing as I realized how young that must seem to him. “I’m home by myself all the time.”

  “Not—” he paused. “Not here. Can’t leave ya here by yourself.”

  “You want to come in?” I asked, leaning forward a little.

  “No,” he replied instantly.

  I laughed. “Well, I’m not sure what you want, then.”

  “Let’s take a ride, yeah?”

  The smile fell off my face and I leaned back. “Okay.”

  I waited while he fired up the bike and wrapped my arms around him as he backed up and turned around. Then we were off again, and soon we were racing down back roads. He must have forgotten that he’d said he’d go easy, because we glided fast around corners, the bike roaring loudly. I had no idea where we were going, no clue what direction we were headed, but I held on tight and kept my mouth shut anyway. Leo would never let anything happen to me.

  Eventually, we slowed to a stop, near what I was pretty sure was a river.

  “Where are we?” I asked as he turned the bike off.

  “River,” he answered, not really giving me anything as he got off the bike and helped me down.

  “Yeah, I hear that. Why?” I took off the helmet and smoothed my hair down as best I could.

  “I like this place,” he replied, wrapping his arm around my waist to help me navigate over the bumpy ground. M
y footsteps were tentative as I shuffled forward toward the rushing water, stubbing my toes on roots just barely flowing out of the ground. “Here,” he said, grabbing my hand and resting it on a rough tabletop. “Picnic table. Standard. Bench is about an inch below your knee.”

  I nodded and leaned over to find the bench, sidestepping a bit until I could sit down.

  “You good? I gotta take a leak.”

  “Charming,” I said drolly. “Yeah, I’m fine. Do your thing.”

  I was fine as he walked away, but the minute I couldn’t hear him anymore I started to panic. I knew in my gut that he’d never leave me behind. That was unquestionable. But the idea of being in the middle of nowhere, near a large body of water, all alone, made my skin go instantly cold.

  “Leo!” I yelled, embarrassed, but not enough to stay quiet. “Leo!”

  “What?” he yelled, followed by crashing noises. “Dandelion?”

  He was next to me in less than thirty seconds, his hands on my face and in my hair. “You alright? What happened?”

  “I couldn’t hear you,” I said, shaking my head as my teeth began to chatter. “Stupid.”

  “Fuck, girl. You just took a year off my life.”

  “I’m sorry.” My teeth chattered some more and my eyes started to water.

  I hated feeling weak. I wasn’t. I was strong. Independent. I stood up for myself and didn’t take shit from anyone.

  “Ah, sweetheart. Don’t.” He sat down next to me and put an arm around my shoulders, pulling me against his chest. “This wasn’t my best idea, huh?”

  “It was a good idea,” I mumbled, gripping the t-shirt he wore under his leather cut. “I’m just an idiot.”

  “Pretty sure I’m the idiot,” he said against the top of my head. “I just pissed all over myself when you yelled.”

  I choked out a laugh as he chuckled.

  “I was actin’ like a woman, wanted to make sure I went far enough away that you couldn’t hear me pissin’. Shouldn’t have gone so far.”

  “You realize I’ve heard you fart?” I replied, snorting.

  “No you haven’t!” He sounded outraged.

  “Oh, yes I have!”

  “Bullshit.”

  “My hearing is really good,” I said with a shrug.

  “Well, hell,” he muttered, making me giggle.

  He shifted on the bench and I leaned away, but his arm tightened around my shoulders until I was pressed up against his side.

  “That douche is probably regrettin’ not picking you up tonight,” he said, leaning back against the table.

  “I know, right?” I replied, nodding. “What a fucker.”

  “Better off knowin’ what the guy’s like now, before you spent all night alone with him.”

  “Alone and surrounded by the entire junior and senior classes?” I joked.

  “There’s a lot you can get up to surrounded by people who aren’t payin’ attention,” he replied.

  “True.” I sighed. “I just wanted to do the whole prom thing with Rose.”

  “Still got next year, kid.”

  “Yeah, and next year I won’t say yes to any dude that asks me. Hey, didn’t you take Ceecee to prom?”

  Leo stiffened slightly. “Yeah. Junior prom. We didn’t stay long, though. Cut out early and went to a party.”

  “Sounds like Ceecee.”

  “Your sister’s… wild. No other way to explain her. She wants what she wants the minute she wants it, and to hell with anyone in her way. Always been like that.”

  “Spoiled, you mean.”

  “Nah,” he said, his knee started bouncing a little, just barely. “Your parents raised all you kids the same, yeah? You, Cam, Cecilia and now Charlie. Ceecee’s the only one who’s self-centered. It ain’t cause she’s spoiled.”

  “Are you guys still together? I can never tell.” I hated that I’d brought my sister up. I hated that he was trying to be nice when we both knew she was a bitch to him. I hated that his arm was around my shoulders and that was the closest we’d ever be because she’d seen him first. They were closer in age. They had a history that I was too young to be a part of.

  “You serious? Haven’t been together in a long ass time, Dandelion,” he replied, his head jerking back in surprise. “Years.”

  “Oh.” I knew my face was screwed up in confusion, but his revelation was news to me. My sister talked about Leo all the damn time. As far as I knew, they still hung out regularly. I was pretty sure even my parents thought they were still a thing. “But don’t you guys hang out all the time?”

  “Sure, in groups,” he said. “All us kids hang out. My sister and Cam, the Hawthorne boys and their women, Rocky and Mel, Ceecee.”

  “That wasn’t the impression I had,” I mumbled.

  What the hell was Cecilia playing at? At least once a week, she was coming home late, saying she’d been out with Leo. It was always Leo—never the group. My parents were past the point of caring when she came in, as long as she let someone know she’d be late. No one in our family was comfortable hearing the front door open in the middle of the night.

  I hadn’t asked Ceecee about Leo in a long time. When I was younger, I’d craved news of him and what they were up to. Somewhere along the way, though, I’d realized that my older sister’s comments had gotten more and more nasty until I finally didn’t mention him at all. It was almost as if she’d been jealous, which made zero sense since I was so much younger than they were. We’d never hung out with the same crowd. Mick had been the only kid that could swing between the two groups of older and younger kids because he’d been right in the middle.

  “She still givin’ you shit all the time?” Leo asked, pulling his arm from around my shoulders as he reached for something in his pocket. A few seconds later, I heard the snick of his lighter and could smell that first scent of a lit cigarette.

  “Not really,” I replied, leaning back and crossing my feet at the ankles. “We get along pretty well, usually. I pretty much stay out of her way, though.”

  “Probably smart.” He knocked his knee against mine.

  “She’s just…” I thought for a second about how to describe my sister. “Restless. It’s like she doesn’t know what she wants, and if she does know, she doesn’t know how to get it.”

  “Ceecee in a nutshell,” Leo joked.

  “She loves me. I know she does. She’d walk through fire for me.”

  “True.”

  “But I don’t think she likes me very much.”

  “She’s jealous,” Leo said seriously. “She’s been burnin’ bridges since she was fourteen years old. Goin’ through friendships and boyfriends like steppin’ stones across a creek. At this point, there ain’t much for her here, and she knows it.”

  “What does that have to do with me?”

  “Dandelion, can you think of one person who doesn’t like you? One? I fuckin’ doubt it. You got a personality that people flock to. They can’t help themselves. Ceecee’s got that same draw, but she can also cut someone down in a few words like it’s nothing. People flock toward both of ya, but they stay with you.”

  “Yet, we never hang out,” I said self-consciously.

  “Yeah, cause you’re sixteen and don’t need to be hangin’ out with men six years older.” He scrubbed the top of my head, like a five year old. “Your pop would string me up by my nuts.”

  “No, he wouldn’t.”

  “Oh, hell yes, he would.” Leo laughed. “I’d do the same thing if I was him.”

  “He knows you.”

  “Exactly.”

  “You’re a good guy,” I protested.

  “Bein’ a good guy ain’t got nothing to do with it, Dandelion. Bein’ a good guy doesn’t make it right for a man to be hangin’ out with a teenage girl. Even if all they’re doin’ is hangin’ out.”

  “Oh, whatever,” I huffed. “That’s stupid.”

  “Come talk to me when you’ve got kids runnin’ around and tell me what you think about it then.” />
  “Cam is way older than Trix,” I pointed out.

  “Trix was older when they got together.” He paused to take a drag off his cigarette. “She was in college. That changes shit.”

  “I still think it’s ridiculous.”

  “Course you do,” he teased. “So anxious to grow up.”

  “Oh, shut the fuck up. You’re not that much older than me.”

  “Fuck, the difference between me at sixteen and you at sixteen? Massive.”

  I was getting irritated, but I wasn’t sure why. Was it because he was acting like I was a kid, or was it because I knew with a sinking feeling in my stomach that it was his super kind way of telling me that whatever crush I was still harboring would never amount to anything?

  God, he was so sweet to me. He’d always been so sweet to me. Even when he was a dick to everyone else, he still went out of his way to be nice to me. It fucked with my head.

  “I better get home,” I finally mumbled, getting to my feet.

  “What? You poutin’?” he asked as he stood up, too.

  “I’m not pouting,” I ground out, frustrated that I couldn’t even walk away from him without falling on my face. “But you’re right, my dad would flip if I stayed out late with you.”

  Leo huffed in irritation, but still gently led me back to his bike, handed me his helmet, and helped me sit. Always sweet, always helpful, even when I knew I was being a jerk.

  He must have driven around for a bit on our way to the river, because the ride home took a lot less time. It still took long enough that by the time we rolled to a stop and the bike went silent, I felt like a complete ass. He’d been so cool, and he’d completely taken my mind off of being stood up, which I was sure was his intention.

  “Looks like your parents are home now,” he said as he got off the bike.