Craving Lily

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  “I’ll just have Leo pick Gray up here, if that’s okay with you,” I heard Brenna say as I drifted. “He’ll be done in an hour anyway, and if I try to move the baby right now, he’ll wake up and be a terror for the rest of the night.”

  “Fine with me,” Aunt Callie replied. “I’m just going to clean up this mess and hang out at home for the rest of the day.”

  “You need help?” my mom asked as their voices grew further away.

  “Not unless you’re using me as an excuse to not go home. If that’s the case, I need a lot of help. Tons. I can’t do this without you.”

  “You are looking pretty overwhelmed.”

  I heard the front door open and close, and then I was out.

  * * *

  I woke up later to quiet voices.

  “Thanks for keepin’ him, Callie.”

  “He passed out on her lap and she was right behind him,” Aunt Callie murmured. “So I just left them where they were.”

  “They’ve been sleepin’ since my mom left?”

  “They haven’t even shifted. I don’t know how she stayed asleep in that sweatshirt with Gray sweating all over her.”

  “Musta been tired.”

  “I was,” I replied groggily, opening my eyes to find Leo standing above me. “Still am, actually.”

  “I can tell,” he muttered with a laugh.

  “What?” I shifted a little on the couch and realized that the beanie I’d been wearing had somehow come off and my hair was creating a tangled halo around my head. “Shit.”

  “Daddy!” Gray said, his voice scratchy. He sat up and nearly fell off the couch before I could catch him.

  “Whoa, Turbo,” Leo said, lifting him off me. “You have a good nap?”

  “Lily,” Gray said, pointing at me. I glanced down and snorted at the wet spots on my sweatshirt. He’d not only drooled all the way through it, making the fabric stick to my collarbone, but had also wet through his diaper, leaving a huge wet spot on my stomach.

  “Careful,” I said, pushing myself up. “Someone needs his diaper changed.”

  “Aw, man,” Leo said, flipping Gray until he was dangling under one of his arms. “You’re all wet, son.”

  “Wet,” Gray said.

  “My mom leave a bag?” Leo asked Callie.

  They moved away from me to get the diaper bag and I quickly smoothed my hair and pulled my hat back on. I didn’t have anything but a bra under the sweatshirt, so that was a lost cause unless I asked Rose for something… and I didn’t want to do that. I was worried that Leo would leave if I went upstairs.

  “Can you give me a ride home?” I asked, shuffling up behind him as he knelt on the floor changing Gray’s clothes.

  “Thought you were a driver now,” he replied without looking at me.

  “I am,” I said. “But I rode with my mom and it looks like she left without me.”

  He was silent for so long that I started to fidget.

  “It’s fine,” I said finally. “I can just ask Aunt Callie.”

  Just as I started to turn and walk away, his voice stopped me.

  “I’ll give you a ride,” he said gruffly. “Give me a minute to get him dressed.”

  It didn’t take long before I was riding in the front seat of his SUV, my arms wrapped around myself to keep warm. Those wet spots on my sweatshirt had grown cold and clammy once we’d gone outside.

  “Don’t—” He stopped, scratched at his scruffy face and then spoke again. “Don’t go messin’ with my son, alright?”

  “What?” I asked in confusion, glancing back at where Gray was kicking his feet.

  “You’re leavin’,” Leo said. “He’s got enough a’that right now. So just keep your distance.”

  “What?” I said again, quieter.

  “You got another life, yeah? I get it and I got over that shit a long ass time ago. But he won’t understand that.”

  “Leo,” I said, shaking my head. “I wasn’t trying to—”

  “You’re never tryin’ to do anything, Lily,” Leo said, impatience threading through his voice. “But you’ve made it real easy to leave everyone behind, and my son’s two. He doesn’t understand that shit yet.”

  “You think I’d do anything to hurt him?”

  “I think you look out for Lily first, and anyone else has gotta just deal.”

  “But you got over that shit a long ass time ago, huh?”

  “Fuck, woman,” he snapped, his voice growing louder. “This is my kid we’re talkin’ about. Not fuckin’ ancient history.”

  “It doesn’t sound like that to me.”

  “Daddy?” Gray called.

  “It’s all good, son,” Leo replied through clenched teeth.

  Without another word, he took two left turns in the wrong direction and pulled into an empty parking lot and threw the rig into park. “Out,” he ordered.

  I was just mad enough to unbuckle my seat belt and climb out of my seat, but caught myself from slamming the door behind me. I was fully expecting him to leave my ass stranded, but as I rounded the hood of the SUV, he met me there.

  “There’s no reason for you to have any relationship with my kid,” he yelled, the veins in his neck bulging.

  I took a step back, startled at the volume of his voice, but it didn’t take me long before I was yelling back.

  “I have every reason.”

  “The fuck you do. That kid just lost his mom, you get that? He’s got no idea that his life is completely changed, and you’re playing house with him at Callie’s like you ain’t about to leave again for God knows how long!”

  “I hung out with him for a couple of hours,” I screamed, throwing my hands up in the air. “And you’re being an asshole! What, did you expect me to treat him like crap? Ignore him when he wanted to play?”

  “Seemed likely, considering the way you acted when you found out about him.”

  “That was never about him, and you know that. For fuck’s sake, Leo. The man I was in love with was having a kid with someone else.”

  “In love with?” Leo laughed derisively. “You don’t know what the fuck that is.”

  “And you do? You just let me go. I made you leave, but you never fucking came back. You didn’t even try to change my mind.”

  “That was because I love you, you stupid bitch,” he screamed, making my head jerk back in surprise. “You think I was gonna hold you back? You honestly think I would’ve begged you to stay? For what? So you could go to some shitty community college or worse, get a fucking job and play house with me?”

  “Who are you mad at?” I asked, shaking my head. “Me or yourself?”

  “All of it,” he yelled, bringing his hand down hard on the hood of his truck.

  “Leo, don’t,” I gasped, reaching for his hand.

  The minute I was close enough for him to grab, his hand was fisted in the front of my sweatshirt and he was dragging me against the front of his body.

  “How the fuck did I get here?” he asked, his forehead dropping to rest against mine. “How the fuck did I get here, Dandelion?”

  His body shook with a silent sob, and I reached for his face, framing it with my hands. It was no longer about me and him. It was no longer about our history or past hurts. No. Now it was about us, the us that we’d always been before. The two people that could let their guards down for one another. And Leo’s guard was down. All of his “Alrights” and “Doing fines” over the past week had led to that moment in the deserted parking lot in the pouring down rain, and I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to do for him what he’d done for me all those years.

  “It’s going to be okay,” I whispered, rubbing my thumbs down his cheeks, both scarred and perfect.

  “She’s gone,” he said, shuddering. “What the fuck am I going to do?”

  “You’re going to keep doing what you’ve always done,” I replied, smoothing back his long hair. “And you’re going to tell Gray a lot of stories about his mama.”

  “What am I
gonna say when he asks if I loved her? What am I gonna say if he asks about any of it?”

  “You did love her,” I murmured, the words feeling oddly light on my tongue. “She gave you Gray, of course you loved her.”

  “She shouldn’t have been in that car,” he ground out. “We were fightin’ and she shouldn’t have been in that car.”

  “No,” I shook my head gently, my fingers tightening in his hair. “Don’t do that. Don’t try to make it something it’s not.”

  “If she woulda stayed at the club—”

  “Then it could have happened on her way home the next day, or the day after that. You don’t know, Leo. You have no idea what would have happened.”

  “I do,” he ground out. “She woulda picked Gray up at her mom’s and everything woulda been like it was before.”

  His eyes closed in pain, and there was nothing else I could say. How did you explain a freak accident to someone that had just lost their partner? Leo may not have been in a romantic relationship with Ashley, but they’d been partners in raising their son. They’d been a team, and now he was alone. Surrounded by people who loved him, but alone all the same. I couldn’t make that better for him.

  “Now is probably when I tell you something that fixes it all,” I whispered, tears making my voice tight as I repeated what my dad had said to me years ago. “But I can’t. Life’s not fair. We’ve all learned that at one point or another. You just have to push through it.”

  Leo nodded and his hand slowly lost its grip on my sweatshirt.

  “Gray’s probably losin’ his shit,” he said quietly, taking a step back so that my hands slid off the sides of his face. He turned without another word and rounded the car to open Gray’s door.

  My clothes were soaked through when I climbed back into the Suburban, and I shivered as Leo talked to a surprisingly calm Gray in the back seat. His voice was calm and level, and even after he’d climbed into the driver’s seat and put the car in reverse there was no sign of the meltdown he’d had just moments before.

  As he drove me home in silence, it was as if our conversation in the rain had never happened. The only evidence left was our wet clothes and my runny nose. By the time he stopped in my parents’ driveway, I was dreading the moment I got out of the car.

  “I’ll see ya around, yeah?” he asked, staring out the windshield.

  “Yeah,” I confirmed, my voice hoarse. “Sure.”

  If I’d thought that something had changed between us, or that maybe some of the ice had broken, I’d been completely wrong.

  I climbed out of the Suburban, but I couldn’t make myself walk away. Not yet.

  “Thank you,” I said finally, my hand so tight on the door handle that my knuckles were white. “Thank you for letting me go.”

  “I’ll always do what’s best for you, Dandelion,” he replied instantly, still refusing to look at me. “Don’t you know that yet?”

  As soon as I closed the door he started backing up, and within seconds was driving back down my parents’ driveway, leaving me there in the rain.

  “Lily,” Charlie yelled from the front porch as I stood there staring at his retreating taillights. “Ceecee’s coming tonight!”

  “Fucking wonderful,” I muttered, closing my eyes in defeat.

  Chapter 20

  Leo

  “Party tonight,” Tommy told me as I climbed out of the Buick I was working on. “Cecilia’s home.”

  “Say what?” I asked in surprise, almost hitting my head on the doorframe. “Since when?”

  “Got in last night,” he replied. “Came home to see her pop, I guess.”

  “ ’Bout damn time,” I muttered.

  “Yeah, no shit. Can’t imagine how that’s playin’ out.”

  “I won’t be there tonight,” I said, popping the hood of the Buick.

  “Bullshit.”

  “I’ve got Gray—”

  “He can stay at our house,” Cam cut in. “Your sister’s havin’ someone stay with the boys, they can keep Gray, too.”

  “Who?”

  “No idea,” Cam replied. “But anyone who keeps our kids is gonna be someone who’d keep Gray.” He laughed. “Fishin’ in the same pool, man.”

  “Yeah, alright,” I said with a shrug.

  As I started work on the Buick, I thought about the girl I used to know. I was curious to see Cecilia after all this time. I hadn’t heard a word from her since she’d gone to California, and a part of me wondered if she was the same girl who’d left. I didn’t know how anyone could be gone that long and not change quite a bit, but if there was anyone who could do it, it would be her.

  I wondered how Lily was dealing with Cecilia showing up. They’d always had such a weird fucking relationship. Lily had idolized her sister, and Cecilia had been so damn jealous of Lily that it was hard to understand the fascination. Sure, Cecila could be sweet. I knew that firsthand. But she could also be a viper with little or no provocation. You just never knew with her. God, I hoped she’d mellowed while she’d been gone, at least for Lily’s sake.

  After Cecilia took off, it seemed like Lily’s blinders when it came to her sister disappeared, but I didn’t know what their relationship was like anymore. Maybe they’d kept in touch and gotten closer over the years.

  I grunted. It didn’t seem possible that anyone could get close to Cecilia. It had always amazed me how two kids from the same parents could turn out so differently. I couldn’t imagine Cecilia treating Gray with the same reverence and tenderness that Lily had. That shit had turned me inside out. Half of me had wanted to beat my chest and yell mine and the other half had wanted to jerk him out of her sleeping arms and tell her to stay the fuck away from him. Because I knew how Lily’s tenderness felt and I also knew how fucking bad it stung when it was snatched away.

  I caught my hand on a piece of metal and cursed. I needed to get my head straight before I fucked up and did any real damage. Shifting my attention to the work in front of me, I deliberately forgot about the Butler sisters.

  I forgot about them, that is, until a few hours later when Lily dropped down beside me on the picnic bench where I was eating my lunch.

  “My sister’s back,” she said, slapping her hands down on the table.

  “I heard.”

  “Did you also hear that they’re having a party in her honor?”

  “Heard somethin’ about that, too.”

  “I’m not going,” she said mulishly, reminding me of when she was a kid. “This is fucking prodigal son bullshit.”

  “They’re just happy to see her—”

  “You know my dad can’t even go, right?” she asked, ignoring me. “He’s stuck in bed and they’re having a party for Cecilia. Like, awesome Ceecee, you came home when your dad was in a major car accident and could’ve died. Good job. Have a party.”

  “You’re workin’ yourself up over nothin’,” I pointed out, trying to calm her ranting. “You know the boys’ll use any excuse to have a party.”

  “I bet you’re super stoked she’s here,” she said, her voice almost a hiss. “Bet you can’t wait to catch up. Or have you guys been talking all this time? Once I left, just started all of it back up again?”

  She shoved to her feet before I could answer and stormed inside the clubhouse, pissing me off. That, what she’d done right there? That was Cecilia bullshit. Making accusations and then running away before a person could say anything back. Jesus, that shit got under my skin.

  I followed her inside, leaving my food sitting on the bench, and as soon as I got to the bar, Poet pointed over his shoulder with a thumb to tell me where she’d gone.

  “Nope,” I growled as she started into her dad’s room. I grabbed her around the waist and threw her over my shoulder.

  As soon as we hit my room, she was pinching me with the knuckles of her first two fingers, making bruises I was sure would be the size of quarters on my back.

  “Knock it off,” I barked, tossing her onto the bed. “You’re acting like a bra
t.”

  “I hate that she’s here,” she replied. Her words were filled with venom, but her eyes told another story completely as she pushed herself to her feet.

  “She’s your sister, Dandelion.”

  “She’s—” Lily shook her head in defeat. “How can everyone just forget that she took off?”

  “Same way they did with you, I’d imagine,” I said gently. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but if she was expecting her sister to get some kind of cold shoulder from the club, she’d be waiting a long time. I had a lot of issues with how shit with Cecilia had gone down when we were kids, and I didn’t particularly want anything to do with her, but to the rest of the club, she was just another kid home visiting. She hadn’t done anything to earn their contempt.

  “It wasn’t the same,” she said, her eyes filling with tears. “Why do people keep saying that?”

  “Guess it depends on who you ask.”

  “I went to college.”

  “And Cecilia went to California and got a job.”

  “I—” Her voice faded and her eyes filled with tears. “She left me. She left and she didn’t even come back when I started to see again.”

  “I’ve never been able to understand your sister, baby,” I said softly, reaching for her. “And I doubt you ever will, either.”

  “She’s acting like everything is fine,” Lily whispered against my chest. “And I just want to scream at her that it’s not.”

  “So why don’t you?”

  “Because,” she said, shaking her head. “You haven’t screamed at me.”

  Her hand found its way under the back of my t-shirt, and I closed my eyes at the feeling her fingers on my bare skin. Without thought, my arms tightened around her back and one hand found the hair at the base of her neck.

  “I did scream at you,” I reminded her, dropping my head so that my lips were brushing her ear.

  “That wasn’t even about me,” she said with a shudder. “That was everything boiling over at once.”

  “You think I want to scream at you for leaving?”