Tales From a Not-So-Fabulous Life

by Rachel Renée Russell

  Then, at lunch, things went from bad to worse. Chloe and Zoey had a

  TOTAL MELTDOWN!

  They actually came up with this elaborate scheme to run away from home and live in the secret underground tunnels beneath the New York City Public Library!

  But the crazy part was that they planned to leave this Friday, and then just “hang out” for seven whole months until National Library Week rolled around in April.

  They figured that, by arriving early, they’d get in FREE and be FIRST in line for the author “Meet-n-Greet.”

  Chloe said residing at the library was going to be an “exhilarating experience,” because they could read all the books they wanted, twenty-four hours a day, without having to check them out or reshelve them.

  And Zoey said they were going to live off Diet Pepsi and nachos, which they planned to SWIPE from the library snack bar each night!

  I CANNOT believe Chloe and Zoey are actually going to do something so crazy, dangerous, and illegal.

  And I plan to do everything within my power to STOP them!

  WHY?!

  Because Chloe and Zoey are my BEST friends at this school!

  And my ONLY friends at this school! But that’s beside the point.

  Unfortunately, I only have TWO options:

  1. Rat them out to their ’rents and risk losing their friendship forever

  OR

  2. Figure out a way to get girlfriends some tattoos for National Library Week PDQ (which, BTW, means “pretty darn quick”)!!

  WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

  I hardly got any sleep last night! I kept having horrible nightmares about Chloe and Zoey living in the secret underground tunnels beneath the NYC public library.

  In one of my dreams, they were having a dinner party with some of their neighbors.

  And in the scariest one, I got married to Brandon Roberts and Chloe and Zoey were bridesmaids. But they brought a few uninvited guests to my wedding !

  OUR WEDDING

  I actually woke up SCREAMING my head off until I realized it was all just a very bad dream!

  THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

  This morning at breakfast my little sister, Brianna, got on my last nerve.

  I was just sitting there, eating my Cinnamon Life, reading the back of the cereal box, and trying to figure out what I was going to do about the Chloe and Zoey situation.

  They were planning to leave in less than twenty-four hours.

  Brianna was eating Fruity Pebbles and drawing a face on her hand with an ink pen. She said she was naming the face “Miss Penelope” because she was “borned from a pen.”

  BRIANNA’S HAND

  “Got milk?!”

  Even though I was trying to concentrate on my personal problems, Miss Penelope asked me to watch her perform “Itsy-Bitsy Spider,” the Rihanna remix version.

  Apparently, the itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout but got washed out by the rain because he had no umbrella, ella ella, eh, eh, eh!

  The whole thing annoyed me to no end, because I wasn’t that into puppet shows.

  Anyway, I warned both Brianna and Miss Penelope to quit bothering me, mainly because I was in a really

  HORRIBLE MOOD.

  And it was not helping matters that Miss Penelope’s awful singing sounded like a humpback whale in labor.

  She must have been highly insulted by my unbiased critique of her singing abilities, because she hauled off and socked me on my arm.

  So I grabbed Miss Penelope and tried to drown her in my cereal bowl.

  I was like,

  Brianna started screaming, “Stop it! Miss Penelope can’t swim! Let her go! You’re smushing her face!”

  But I wouldn’t let go. That is, until my mom walked into the kitchen.

  “Why on Earth are you shoving your sister’s hand in your cereal?! LET GO OF HER THIS INSTANT!!”

  So I released Miss Penelope only because I didn’t have a choice.

  Brianna stuck her tongue out at me. “Miss Penelope says she’s not inviting you to her birthday party! Na, na, na, na, na!!”

  Then I stuck my tongue out at her and said, “I’ve already not been invited to a birthday party. SO THERE!” I could thank MacKenzie for that one.

  Anyway, I think I taught Miss Penelope a good lesson. I bet she won’t be interrupting my breakfast again anytime soon (EVIL GRIN).

  Since my cereal had been contaminated by Miss Penelope’s germs, I dumped it into the sink and ran upstairs to my bedroom.

  I sat on my bed and stared at my wall as a million thoughts bounced around in my head.

  I had to admit, the Chloe and Zoey situation seemed hopeless, and there was nothing I could do to fix it .

  To make matters worse, Miss Penelope was still in the kitchen singing so off-key, I thought my ears were going to bleed. I felt like taking my favorite pen—a water-based, nontoxic, dark purple gel ink pen by Hot Writer, Inc.—and drawing a big fat zipper across her mouth to shut her up. But I was pretty sure my mom would have just YELLED at me again.

  I mainly just use it to write in my diary and to bring me good luck. But lately, the good luck part hasn’t been working so well.

  MY LUCKY PEN

  I was twirling my pen in my fingers when, suddenly, the CRAZIEST idea popped into my head! I was like, OMG! This might work! I quickly scribbled out two notes and then rushed off to school fifteen minutes early to tape them on Chloe’s and Zoey’s lockers.

  I waited in the janitor’s closet for five long minutes and was starting to worry they were not going to show up. But finally they did.

  “I hope you didn’t ask us to come here to try and change our minds about running away,” Chloe said, real seriouslike.

  “Yeah! This is something we just gotta do,” Zoey said, staring at the floor.

  It got so sad and quiet, I thought I was going to cry.

  “Um…I asked you both to come here to tell you about a special present I wanted to give you on Monday. But since you’re leaving tomorrow…”

  Of course, this made Chloe and Zoey really curious, and they started begging me to tell them what it was.

  “Well, you may not know this, but I’m a pretty decent artist. Not that I’m bragging or anything. And since you guys are my BFFs, I’ve decided to personally give you each a tattoo! Temporary ones. In honor of National Library Week!”

  At first Chloe and Zoey just stared at me like they couldn’t believe it.

  Then they started screaming and jumping up and down and hugging me.

  ME, CHLOE, AND ZOEY DOING A GROUP HUG!

  “Just decide what kind you want,” I said, “and I’ll design it over the weekend and draw it during lunch on Monday. But you both have to make me one promise…”

  “Anything!!” Zoey gushed. “Let me guess! We have to ditch our plans to run away and live at the NYC library?”

  “Okay, then it’s officially CANCELED!” Chloe announced, and did jazz hands, like the show was over.

  “Actually, that’s not what I meant,” I said, hiding my smile and trying to look all scary-serious. “I want you both to promise me you won’t bring RATS to my wedding!”

  “HUH?!” They both looked at me like I was crazy.

  “Never mind!” I giggled. “It’s a long story.”

  FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

  Before biology class started, I noticed Brandon was kind of staring at me, but I wasn’t sure if it was my imagination or not. Lately, it seemed like whenever I looked at HIM, he was looking at ME.

  But then we both would look away and pretend like we WEREN’T really looking at each other.

  Well, today he actually smiled at me and said, “So, which cell cycle would you rather study? Mitosis or meiosis?”

  I smiled back and kind of shrugged my shoulders because actually, I HATED both of them EQUALLY. And I was afraid that anything I said would probably make me look like a BIGGER idiot than he already thought I was.

  But the main reason I couldn’t talk to Brandon was because
I was suffering from a very severe and debilitating case of RCS, or Roller-Coaster Syndrome. Studies show that it mainly attacks

  girls between the ages of eight and sixteen.

  The symptoms are difficult to describe, but whenever Brandon talks to me, my stomach feels like I’m dropping nine hundred feet at eighty miles per hour. Simply calling it “butterflies” is a common and dangerous misdiagnosis.

  Suddenly, and without warning, I feel compelled to throw my hands up in the air (like I just don’t care) and scream…

  “WHEEEEEE!”

  Then my day got even BETTER! While I was working in the library, Brandon came in to return a book called Photography and You. I was just sitting there, doodling a few tattoo designs for Chloe and Zoey, when he leaned across the counter and peeked at my notebook.

  “Now that is good! I didn’t know you were an artist!”

  I looked around to see who he was talking to. Then, I totally freaked out when I realized he was actually talking to ME! I could hardly BREATHE.

  “Thanks, but it’s no big deal. I’ve been going to art camp like forever. And last summer, I got practically a million mosquito bites and wow, did they ever itch!!” I babbled like an idiot.

  “Well, one thing is for sure, you definitely got skillz!”

  Brandon’s hair was hanging in his eyes again as he smiled and kind of leaned in even closer to look at my sketches. I thought I was going to DIE! He smelled like Snuggle fabric softener, Axe body spray, and…red licorice?!

  I couldn’t stop blushing, and there was no way I could draw with him watching me like that. I started feeling that roller-coaster thing all over again…WHEEEEE!

  Suddenly Brandon’s eyes seemed to twinkle with excitement.

  “Hey! Are you entering the avant-garde art competition? I’ll be covering it for the newspaper.”

  “Yeah, I’m thinking about it. But everyone is saying MacKenzie’s fashion illustrations are going to win this year. So I dunno…”

  “MacKenzie?! Are you kidding? You have more talent in your smallest burp than she has in her entire body. I’m serious! You know that, right?”

  I could NOT believe Brandon actually said that! It was so rude. So wickedly funny. So…TRUE!

  We both laughed really hard. I didn’t know he had such a wacky sense of humor.

  Soon, Chloe and Zoey came staggering up to the front desk, each loaded down with a stack of books that needed to be put away.

  When they saw us, their mouths dropped open.

  They looked at me, then at Brandon, then at me again. Then at Brandon. Then back at me. Then Brandon. Then me. Then Brandon again.

  This went on like FOREVER!

  They were gawking at us like we were a new animal exhibit at the zoo or something.

  It was SO embarrassing!

  Brandon’s smile went slightly crooked, but otherwise, he acted coolly nonchalant about the whole thing.

  “HEY, GET A LOAD OF THOSE TWO! IT MUST BE MATING SEASON OR SOMETHING…”

  “Hey, Chloe! Hey, Zoey!” he said.

  But they were so shocked, they didn’t even answer him.

  “Well, I better get back to class. See you later, Nikki.” Then he strolled out the door and disappeared into the hall.

  Chloe and Zoey made a big deal over Brandon talking to me like that and started nagging me to admit he was my secret crush.

  After I made them both pinkie swear not to tell anyone, I told them about how Brandon had helped me up after Jessica tripped me in the cafeteria a couple of weeks ago.

  Then I grabbed my backpack and unzipped the cute little pocket in the front and showed them The Napkin.

  At first they just stared at it in awe. But soon they were teasing me and giggling like two kindergarteners. “Brandon and Nikki sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

  I told them to shut up before someone overheard them and it got out all over the school.

  Chloe insisted that I keep The Napkin for the rest of my life, because there was a chance that Brandon and I could accidentally meet up on some exotic, romantic island twenty years from now. She said it could happen just like it did in those chick flicks at the movie theater.

  MY BEST FRIEND’S NAPKIN (SLEEPLESS IN SAN DIEGO)

  Directed by Chloe Christina Garcia

  BRANDON: I couldn’t help but notice you from across the room and be hopelessly drawn to your brains and beauty! It almost seems that we’ve met before. Perhaps in another place…another time…another life…!

  ME: Alas! Allergy season is upon us. Please! Take this most cherished napkin from my very heart-wrenching, mysterious past. And do with it…what you must!!

  ME: What a powerful sneeze you have! It is aptly captured in this delicate napkin of forgotten love…now merely a disposable tissue drenched in lost and shattered dreams!

  BRANDON: Hark! Do mine eyes deceive me?! I’d recognize OUR napkin in even the darkest of murky depths! My joy and passion overwhelm me!

  BRANDON: Is it really you? My beloved, Nikki! Finally, I’ve found my TRUE LOVE! Will you MARRY ME?!

  THE END

  I told Chloe her story was really sweet and romantic. But if the napkin was really dripping with snot and Brandon proposed on the spot like that, MY story would probably have a different ending.

  ME: Gee, Brandon, I think we need to take things a bit slower. First, let’s get rid of the snotty napkin…ICK!! Second, how about pizza and a movie…?

  THE END

  Zoey said she didn’t blame me for rewriting Chloe’s happy ending, because snot and airborne bacterial particles were the most common way of transmitting germs to others.

  But Chloe complained we both TOTALLY missed her point. The Napkin, germy or not, should be cherished because it was a token of Brandon’s love. And after reading Twilight, she had learned that forbidden love, obsession, and sacrifice could be very messy things. Just like snot.

  I had to admit that Chloe had a really good point.

  Then Zoey said I should always remember that guys are from Mars and girls are from Venus, because they think and communicate very differently, according to a book she was reading on dating. I was really surprised to hear this, because I thought for sure that Earth was the only planet with human life on it.

  I’m really glad Chloe and Zoey know so much about guys, dating, love, and stuff like that.

  Because I don’t have a CLUE.

  DUH!!

  SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 28

  This is going to be my LONGEST diary entry EVER! I have the most horrible headache, and it’s all Brianna’s fault. Why, why, why couldn’t I have been born an ONLY child?!

  Okay. This is what happened: My mom and Brianna were supposed to see a matinee movie today. But Mom needed to go to the mall to buy a present for a baby shower she was attending later this evening.

  So she offered me $10 to take Brianna to the movie in her place. Since I was broke, I agreed to do it. I figured that, at the worst, I could sleep through the movie and earn $10 for a ninety-minute nap.

  The movie was called Princess Sugar Plum Saves Baby Unicorn Island! Part 3. There must have been four hundred squealing little girls there, and half of them were dressed up like princesses and unicorns.

  I should have charged my mom $50 for taking Brianna, because the whole event was so sugary sweet, it actually made me nauseous.

  But Brianna thought the movie was superscary because there was a fairy in it. And she has this irrational fear that the tooth fairy is going to pull out all her teeth to make dentures for old people. I guess you could say she suffers from “fairy phobia.”

  Anyway, Brianna practically drove me CRAZY, because every time the fairy appeared on the screen, she got really scared, grabbed my arm, and bumped my popcorn.

  I must have dumped three whole boxes on the nice lady sitting next to me.

  But when that nice lady looked like she was going to slug me, I decided it would be safer to eat Raisinets instead.

  I was TOO happy when that stupid mov
ie was finally over.

  Brianna and I were waiting near the main entrance for Mom to pick us up. However, when I saw Dad pull up in his Maxwell’s Bug Extermination van, I got a really bad feeling. Although, that creepy-looking roach bolted to the top of his van gave most people a really bad feeling.