My Little Rock Airman

by Brittany Fichter

  “October.” I smiled. “Give me time to bury myself in work and the kids and to not…to not think about this summer quite so much. And once my mind is clearer, you and I can give this a go.”

  The shine had left his eyes, but he nodded. “I understand.” Then his smile widened slightly once more. “And don’t forget to finish the paperwork for the college. The world awaits the debut of Jessie Nickleby, speech therapist of the year.”

  I grabbed a stapler and stack of “Welcome back” posters. “Yeah. That, too.”

  38

  Another Cup

  Jessie

  I played with my coffee cup, tracing the geometric patterns in the coffee sleeve as I waited at an outdoor table connected to the little coffee house Sam and I were supposed to meet at. It was cool, and the leaves were lovely shades of orange, red, yellow, and brown. A month and a half had passed, and now that the newness of school was wearing off, it was the night of my first date with Sam.

  And I was optimistic. Because no matter how many clean-shaven men in uniform had passed through my classroom doors, dropping their kids off and picking them up, I wasn’t thinking about airmen. And when Jade’s new nanny brought her to school for the first time, I was too busy getting to know her to think about how much her big brother probably hated the situation. I wasn’t thinking about how much fun it would have been to wear that sparkly rose ring and to know that every time I looked at it, it was kind of like looking at him.

  No, I was thinking about how this might be a new beginning. And even if it didn’t work out with Sam, it was a new start for me.

  My musings were interrupted by the buzz of my phone. I found a text from Mrs. Allen, and my heart sank like a rock.

  Jade’s nanny says Jade had her tryout for that choir today.

  Shoot. Oh, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. I laid my head on the table in shame. Jade’s big tryout. I’d talked to the mother in charge of the tryouts and convinced her to give Jade a chance, picked Jade’s song, worked with her all summer, and built her hopes up. And I hadn’t even remembered to be there.

  I slowly lifted my head again and glared at my coffee as someone stopped beside me and turned around.

  “Jessie?”

  “Kim!” I stood and reached out for a hug, hoping desperately that Derrick’s friend didn’t hate me now. “How are you doing?”

  She pointed back at the parking lot. “Doing well, thanks. Dropping off one kiddo to soccer while the other one finishes piano, and I figured I’d rather wait here than the car.” She nodded at the empty seat across from me. “Waiting for someone?”

  “Yes. I mean, no. I mean, I’m early, so I figured I’d do the same thing as you.”

  “Mind if I sit?”

  “Go right ahead.” I hoped my apprehension wasn’t visible. If there was anything I didn’t want to talk about it was our mutual acquaintance and the only reason we knew each other in the first place.

  She excused herself to order coffee. When she had it, she returned and sat her purse on the ground. Then she studied me.

  “I know it’s probably the last thing you want to talk about.”

  I inwardly cringed.

  “But I have to know. What happened?”

  I stared morosely at the little hole in the lid of my cup.

  “I mean,” she went on, “Derrick didn’t say much. Just told the guys at work that it didn’t work out. But after talking to both of you, I know it had to be more than that.”

  “The simple answer?” I gave her a sad smile. “Too many variables.”

  “How so?”

  “It’s like we were talking about.” I went back to tracing patterns on the coffee sleeve. “My parents’ health. Derrick’s safety.” I paused. “And after what happened with him and Amy, even if I had said yes, I’m not sure he’d even want me after he got back. He could easily find someone else while he was gone.” Oh, yes. My mind had been busy churning up excuses since my talk with my mother. And I had a million, each with its own boatload of sense.

  That was, until I said it out loud just now.

  “I just…I need more stability than that.” I shook my head. “And I don’t think I could stand it,” my voice caught on the last word, “if something happened. I just don’t see how love is possible with all the things—”

  “Now, hold on there.” She leaned forward, her dark eyes sharp. “I’ve been married to an airman for fifteen years now, and if there’s one thing I can tell you, it’s that love is only ever possible because you decide it’s possible.”

  I stared back, gripping my cup with both hands.

  “We have wills for a reason,” she continued, leaning back, her eyes no less brilliant. “And if I’m not mistaken, you have a pretty strong one. If we love someone, we can’t just rely on the ebb and flow of attraction and romance to carry our love along. We’ve got to decide whether we’re going to love them or not. Through thick and thin, we stand by their side. And sometimes, it’s not because we want to be there. It’s because we made the decision, and we’re going to honor our word and stick to it.”

  I shook my head. “But what if we choose wrong?”

  “Well, that’s a chance you’ll take no matter who you choose. But when you do decide to love someone, you have to be the one to choose it. And stick to it.” She shrugged and took a sip of her coffee. “Now, I’ll be the first to admit that loving a military man is hard. In fact, it’s really hard, especially when he’s exhausted from prepping to leave, and you and the kids are emotionally drained, and you’re both on your last straw.” She chuckled. “Believe me. It’s hard.” Then she looked at me. “But that’s where the real stuff begins. Jessie, if you want something worth waiting for, you have to get creative. You have to be willing to give God back the man He gave you. But again, it’s not really all that different from any other Joe Blow next door. Just as deployed husbands can get shot or hit with some sort of explosive device…”

  I flinched.

  “…the guy next door could step off a curb and get hit by a car. Or get some sort of cancer or disease.”

  Did she have to hit home so hard?

  “And you won’t be able to do a thing about any of it.” She took another sip of her coffee. “You like to be in control of things, don’t you?”

  I laughed ruefully. “Unfortunately, I do.”

  “See? We’re never really in charge of anything when you think about it. An asteroid could hit us now where we sit. The military doesn’t change that. It just makes the truth painfully obvious.”

  I held my hand up. “But what about here? I’ve got so many responsibilities. It feels wrong to just…abandon them all.”

  The corner of her mouth twitched. “And isn’t it possible God has other responsibilities planned for you somewhere else, too?” She glanced at her watch. “I’ve got to go. My daughter’s lesson will be over soon.” She laid her hand on my arm. “And I promise, I’m not trying to make this decision for you. I just…I think you deserve to know the truth before you throw away this opportunity forever.”

  And there I sat, even more confused than before. The only thing that could wake me from my trance was the buzz of my phone, Mrs. Allen’s name flashing across the screen. Sighing, I braced myself for the worst, which I fully deserved, as I opened the text. But where I had expected a tongue lashing of sorts, I couldn’t have been more surprised.

  She’ll tell you Monday when she gets to school, but I was so excited I had to tell you now. The choir director loved her. She even agreed to let Jade memorize the songs instead of reading them. She said if she passed someone up who was as good at memorizing as Jade with such a sweet smile, she’d better quit her job now.

  This text was followed quickly by another.

  I can’t thank you enough, Jessie. You’ve done more for my family than I can say. This is just another way to build Jade’s confidence, and if it hadn’t been for you and your hard work, I never even would have considered it. So…thank you.

  I stared at the te
xt, trying to decide how to respond. But the longer I thought about it, the more it hit me. Sure, I’d worked with Jade. But I’d gotten busy with school. Honestly, it had been almost two weeks since Jade and I had practiced. Sure, maybe I’d talked to the top parent about giving Jade an alternative way to join. That was my job, though, to find ways for my students to participate in the world using their personal strengths. Whatever Jade had done to get on that choir had been her doing. Not mine.

  “Jessie?”

  I stood and forced myself to smile at the sound of Sam’s voice. He was all grins as he came and sat down across from me.

  As always, he was smartly dressed, a perfect blend of muted style and practicality. His hair was slightly rumpled, and his glasses were oddly endearing, and as he swam regularly, his form wasn’t anything to sneeze at. In fact, if I looked around now, I’d probably find a few women glancing his way a second time.

  “Hey, I was thinking Tex Mex, but this’ll work, too.” He grinned. “Can I get you a coffee?”

  I forced a smile and held up my empty cup. “No, thanks. I’ve already had one.”

  Sam got himself a drink and then came to join me.

  “I have to say,” he blushed slightly, “I’ve been pretty excited about tonight. I should have done this a long time ago.”

  “I’m excited, too.” I tried to take a swig of coffee, only to remember that I was out. Dang it. I should have gotten another one. “I’m in the need of a little fun.”

  “Yeah, you’ve buried yourself in projects since the start of school. I’m not surprised you need a break. Especially with all that studying and degree paperwork, too.”

  “Mm. Yeah, that was kind of intentional.” I wished greatly I had the courage to tell the truth. Yes, I’d been buried in projects. Because projects meant keeping my mind on my own world and away from the one across the sea.

  He looked away. “That makes sense.” A long moment passed before he spoke again, and I couldn’t help thinking that he was hearing the double-meaning behind my words.

  “So,” he finally said, taking a long sip and leaning back. “How is your mom?”

  Ah, a safer topic of discussion. “She’s doing well, thanks. We’re not out of the woods yet, but the recent tests have all been good.”

  “Glad to hear it.” He poured a packet of sugar in his coffee. I’d never understood that. It wasn’t like you could actually taste the sugar by itself. Cream was needed for true enjoyment. “What about your paperwork? Are you all set to start classes in the spring?” His eyes were bright, and he leaned forward slightly.

  I twirled my empty cup in circles on the table. “Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.”

  “Oh?”

  “I…” I cleared my throat. “I don’t think I’m going to pursue my master’s right now.”

  He blinked at me. “You mean…you’re quitting?”

  I laughed nervously. “I don’t know if you can count it as quitting if I never actually started.”

  “I just…I know you wanted this so much. Are you sure about this?”

  I nodded slowly. “I love what I do. And…I mean, you have your master’s, and you’re still teaching general ed.”

  “Well, yeah, but I plan on transferring to something else once I have my Ph.D.” He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “Is teaching just burning you out?”

  “No, it’s nothing like that. I just…” I sat up straighter. “I’m tired of living like I’m the one making the world go round. I want to teach children, and I love the ones I have, but I can’t help wondering how much I might have missed while working so hard for this next degree that I’m realizing I don’t even want.” As I spoke, I thought back to Mrs. Allen’s text. Jade had gotten into the choir on her own, but last summer, I was convinced she wouldn’t be able to do any of it without me. What else might I have been wrong about?

  “Okay, well…” He scratched his head. “I mean, if that’s what you really want…”

  I smiled. “It really is.”

  “Well, good for you then.” He nodded. “You deserve to be happy, Jessie. Whatever you do.”

  “Thanks.” I took a deep breath. “Hey, I’m going to go get another drink. You want one?”

  He stood. “Let me get it. What do you want?”

  By the time he got back with our drinks, he looked a lot less worried, and that made me feel better. As for dates, this one had had an interesting beginning. And I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt about that.

  “Now that you have all this free time,” he said as he handed me my drink, “what do you think you’ll do with it?”

  I took a long sip of my caffeinated pumpkin goodness and thought for a moment. “My mom always said we’re made to serve in ways that bring us joy. I think maybe I’d like to find those ways without trying so hard to plan them.”

  “Well, then,” he said, raising his cup, “to new horizons.”

  I met his toast. And finding, I added in my head, where those horizons are meant to be.

  39

  Live

  Derrick

  I smiled as my sister’s face flashed on the screen. I could tell she was trying to poke the buttons on the phone by the way her brows were furrowed. Hopefully, she wouldn’t hang up on me. Getting video chats connected was hard enough here. I’d only successfully gotten three through in the three months I’d been deployed, and I would need to be heading to work soon.

  “Jade,” I called softly, trying not to wake the sleeping guy across the room, “what are you doing with Mom’s phone?”

  “Bored,” Jade replied, as though this should be obvious.

  “Girlie, you just had a birthday. You shouldn’t be bored with the millions of presents people sent you.” And millions was hardly an understatement. From the pictures Mom had sent me, our extended family, particularly on my dad’s side, had sent Jade a pile of gifts that nearly made the dining room table beneath it invisible.

  “Everyone’s gone.”

  “Everyone is not gone,” Mom’s voice came over the phone as her face appeared behind Jade’s. “And you’re not supposed to have this until your homework is done.”

  Jade rolled her eyes and handed the phone to my mom, and I couldn’t help chuckling. “Did she turn seven or seventeen?”

  “This attitude is partly your fault, you know.” My mom gave me the evil eye. “She got used to having someone to play with twenty-four seven this summer, and now she thinks she’s desolate if no one is there to entertain her at the drop of a hat.”

  “She’s probably lonely.” I shifted on my cot. “At least I could go play with the neighborhood kids when I was her age.”

  “She’s got school, therapy, choir, and Sunday school, so she’s not abandoned completely.”

  “You’re still taking her to church?” I sat up straighter. “That’s awesome.” My heart leaped as I inwardly rejoiced for my family. Was it possible my parents weren’t doing the easy thing for once?

  Of course, with the thought of church came other thoughts, thoughts about the pixie-like creature who sang on the worship team. But no, Jade had nothing to do with that. She was going to Sunday school, and I would simply be grateful for that.

  “But we’re not here to talk about Jade’s playdate schedule,” Mom said, rousing me from my thoughts. “I want to hear about you. How is it over there?”

  “It’s cold, actually.” I laughed softly. “You wouldn’t think so with me being in the desert and all.”

  “Are you warm enough?”

  I shrugged and looked at my surroundings. “I’m currently in a real building, so I can’t complain too much.” I glanced at my watch. “Unfortunately, I’ve got to go soon. I’ve got work starting in about half an hour.”

  My mom was strangely silent for a moment, long enough for me to wonder if she’d heard me.

  “Mom?”

  “I’m here. I’m sorry, I was just thinking…” She sighed. “Dad isn’t here right now, but he and I were talk
ing the other day, and we…Well, we just want you to know we’re proud of you.”

  I stared at my phone screen. Had I heard that right, or was the phone freezing up again and garbling all the words?

  “I know we haven’t said it enough,” she said, looking down. “And I know we haven’t shown it. It’s just that I never pictured my sweet baby boy in camouflage with a gun.”

  I looked down at my uniform and brushed away a few crumbs from breakfast. “I usually carry a wrench instead of a gun, if that makes you feel better.”

  “But you were right,” she continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “We never stopped to ask what you wanted. And if this…if this makes you happy, then I want you to know that we support you.”

  My throat was suddenly too thick to swallow, so the best I could do to nod. All my life, I’d been waiting to hear that. And now that it was mine, I wasn’t sure what to even do with it.

  “Have you talked to Jessie lately?” she asked half a minute later, after a long stretch of silence. Her voice sounded hopeful, which was odd, considering I hadn’t actually told them about me and Jessie, aside from the one night we’d shared on the bridge.

  “Nah.” I forced a smile. “We’re not actually together. Plus, one of my buddies said he saw her out the other day with one of the guy teachers from her school at some restaurant.”

  “Oh. That’s too bad.” Then she brightened up again. “You should see some of the things she’s doing with the kids at school. They’re all going to be in a talent show, and Jade’s choir is performing!”

  “Is she Thing One in a skit like I was in second grade?”

  Mom laughed. “She’s going to be the fairy with the other girls. You should just see her, prancing around the house in her tutu and cowgirl boots.”

  I laughed. “Well, good for her.”