Mr. American

by George MacDonald Fraser

  'Nonsense,' said Thornhill firmly. 'All right, Jack,' and as Mr Prior, coachman for the evening, snapped the reins, the trap moved smartly up the drive.

  'I don't know how to thank you,' said Mr Franklin. He had arrived at Thornhill's door at about five o'clock, wearing an anxious frown, with the news that he was bidden to dine with royalty, and thereafter events had passed in a frantic mist. For perhaps the first time in his life, Mr Franklin admitted, he had been off balance and at a loss; the sudden social horror of his situation had come to him while he was driving back from the hunt - he had realised that his brief acquaintance with England had left him helpless in the face of the ordeal that awaited him; he had no notion of how royalty dined, or what might be expected of him as a guest; for all he knew it might be a banquet with gold plate and footmen in old-fashioned wigs - visions, which he knew were pure fantasy, of an enthroned monarch with people kneeling before him, had flashed across his disordered mind, and he had heard the voice of a town-crier thundering: 'Mr Mark Franklin of the United States of America!' while a glittering throng of lords and ladies turned to regard him with amused disdain. At this point he had remembered Thornhill, and decided to appeal to him - and the dishevelled don, after his first bewilderment, had moved calmly and precisely, guiding Mr Franklin back to the manor, explaining that a country-house dinner for the King would be no more formal than a meal in a fashionable restaurant, that the American's manners and bearing were perfectly equal to it ('damned sight better than most of 'em, moneyed bumpkins and decayed gentry'), and that provided he took care with his dress and behaved naturally, he had nothing to fear.

  This had been vastly reassuring - still, it had seemed ridiculously unreal as he dressed himself in full evening rig of white tie and tails (thank God for the expert taste and guidance of Thomas Samson, valet extraordinary - that had been money well spent) while Thornhill had ferretted about finding studs and shoes and discoursing at large of the monarch's personality, of bridge and billiards, of evening charades and party games, and anything else that Mr Franklin might conceivably find it useful to know.

  'Never met our sovereign lord myself,' Thornhill had said. 'Remember he came to college to open a new building once; looked bored to tears, poor old thing; can't blame him. They say he's genial, but a stickler for dress -'at this point Mr Franklin, adjusting his stiff front shirt with ponderous care, had thrust his pearl and diamond pin into his thumb ' - but you're all right there, at any rate. Beautiful duds, my dear fellow.' He surveyed Mr Franklin with approval. 'Just call him "sir", be respectfully polite, and you're home and dry.'

  Then there had been the problem of a driver - Mr Franklin felt that the less exertion he had on the six-mile journey to Oxton, the better his collar and cuffs would like it, and he guessed that to entrust Thornhill with the reins would mean a short sharp trip to the nearest ditch. They had driven to the Apple Tree at night-fall, Thornhill had gone in and negotiated while Mr Franklin sat in the trap in the darkened village street wondering whatever had induced him to leave Nevada, and presently a crowd of astonished villagers had emerged to gape, with Jack Prior masterfully shouldering his way through them and mounting the trap with no more than a nod to its occupant. And now they were rolling up the drive to Oxton Hall, and Prior was stopping at a discreet distance from the motor-cars, three or four of them parked on the carriage-sweep with their engineers making their way round to the servants' entrance.

  'Got the thingummy for Mrs Keppel? Good for you - in you go then, old man.' Thornhill beamed through the dusk. 'Don't eat too much, and spades, hearts, diamonds, clubs, remember? Right-ho, Jack.'

  Mr Franklin watched them drive away, took a firm grip of his small parcel, squared his shoulders, and marched up the steps to be received by an elderly butler, who took his hat, case, cloak, and name, in that order. And he was just glancing apprehensively at an open door across the hall, from which loud voices and laughter were drifting when the daughter of the house, resplendent in what looked like lilac satin, emerged rapidly from a door beneath the stairs, paused for breath, and cried out in relief at the sight of Mr Franklin.

  'Thank heavens you've come! We thought you'd missed your way, and Kingie's been asking for you - full of foxy jokes . . .' Peggy rolled her eyes. 'Father has been bearing up manfully, poor old soul. It's been an absolute frost, you know - the old Teddy Bear got his feet wet, and there were no ginger biscuits at tea - well, how was I to know that they're practically a drug with him? - but fortunately Jinks Smith slipped on the stairs and fell all the way down, and that put our gracious King in a good temper again - Arthur says Jinks did it on purpose - you're looking at my hair, what's the matter with it?'

  'I beg your pardon - why, nothing at all.' Mr Franklin had been noticing two things; one was that her hair, which he had thought fair, was a very pale auburn, so that piled up and around her head it looked like a monstrous halo; the other, that the angel face had just a hint. of petulance around the small cupid's mouth, as though a beautiful seraph had grown impatient of posing in Botticelli's studio. 'Your hair's beautiful, Miss Clayton.'

  'Oh, my, how formal!' She pulled a face. 'I'm Peggy, you're Mark, and no nonsense. "Miss Clayton" - you'd think I was a governess, or somebody's aunt. But come on - the King's in there, so do your stuff.'

  She took him by the arm, guiding him towards the door, stopping en route to make minute adjustments to her hair and the shoulders of her dress before the hall mirror. Mr Franklin remarked that there seemed to be a great many guests, and was disillusioned.

  `Oh, -the house is bursting with Arthur's disky friends - we've got about twenty for the week-end, but don't you worry, they're well out of the way in the west wing. Can't have them ragging and racketting in court circles, so there's just about a dozen for dinner. Everyone else takes pot-luck in the old nursery.' Peggy twitched doubtfully at her neck-line. 'Too much, too little - d'you think? Oh, it'll do - Kingie's stopped leering, anyway. Now, then.'

  Clayton himself met them at the drawing-room door, with evident relief; Soveral was smiling at his elbow, and to Mr Franklin's surprise the packet he had brought for Mrs Keppel was twitched surreptitiously from his hand. There seemed to be about a dozen people in the room, in evening clothes - there was the King, portly but immaculate, seated by the fire, puffing on a cigarette, with Mrs Keppel at his elbow, a Junoesque figure in crimson, with diamonds in her hair and sparkling on her celebrated bosom; Soveral was attracting her attention. Mr Franklin recognised some of the faces from the hunt - the stringy man, the stout man of whom he thought as 'Colonel Dammit', the scowling Lacy, various ladies, but none of them comparable with Peggy or Mrs Keppel. Beside him he was aware that Peggy was bobbing a very slight curtsey; he forced himself to make a forward inclination which might pass for a bow if a bow was in order and wouldn't be noticed if it was not. Then the small eyes were on him, and the other guests were willing him magnetically towards the fireplace.

  'Ah, Franklin. Good evening to you.' Majesty was nodding. 'Brought any more foxes?' There was polite laughter, and the King

  went on: 'Now, you're American - you can tell us - what do they say over there about votes for women?'

  He isn't smiling, thought Mr Franklin, but he's looking affable. Everyone else was watching him, the men attentive, the women with frozen smiles, and he sensed the nervous under-current of the preprandial drawing-room. What to say? - he suddenly remembered the militant young lady outside the Waldorf.

  'Well, sir, that depends.' His voice sounded unnaturally loud, and he made a conscious effort to speak normally. 'If they're single men, I guess they know better than to say anything - and if they're married men, they don't get much chance.'

  In that moment he knew how a comedian feels when his first joke draws a roar from the pit; in fact, he was astonished that his fairly feeble response made the King chuckle, the ladies titter, and the gentlemen laugh aloud. God, he thought, do they expect me to be the droll Yankee? Well, I can't do it - and at that moment he was rescued by an exc
lamation of delight from Mrs Keppel; she was turning from Soveral to stoop so that the King could examine the open box in her hands: Mr Franklin felt a tremor of anxiety at having his present submitted for the royal inspection.

  'Look what Mr Franklin has brought me! Oh, they're simply beautiful! How very, very kind of you, Mr Franklin!' The green eyes were glowing with genuine delight as she glanced up at him. 'They're silver - how absolutely gorgeous!'

  'What on earth are they?' demanded the King.

  'They're spurs, sir,' Mr Franklin explained. 'Mexican spurs - the kind the vaqueros use - Mexican cattlemen, that is.'

  He reflected that he hadn't hesitated a moment that evening when, remembering Soveral's suggestion of a gift, he had hit on the notion of presenting his spurs to Mrs Keppel. They were silver, in fact, and he had spent twenty minutes, between shaving and putting on his shirt, in polishing them fiercely in the kitchen. They had come from that small collection of personal belongings in his valise, because somehow he had felt that a present with the giver's brand of ownership on it was better than anything bought - and he had been in no position to buy anything, anyway; Laker's stores and the Castle Lancing dairy carrying only a limited supply of trinkets for the haut monde, as Thornhill remarked.

  'Extraordinary things.' The King had lifted one of the spurs from the box, and was spinning its big rowel which tinkled musically as it moved. 'Care to go hunting in those, Arlesdon?'

  'Rather not, sir. Bit conspicuous, I fancy.' There were murmurs of agreement, and Colonel Dammit remarked that they were barbarouslookin' things; Peggy said:

  'Aren't they dreadfully cruel - to the horses, I mean?'

  'Not as cruel as the ones you were wearing today,' said Mr Franklin. 'Those big rowels are blunt; they won't even dent a horse's hide.'

  'Well, I shall certainly wear them, and they will make beautiful knick-knacks of decoration,' said Mrs Keppel, smiling warmly at Mr Franklin. The King was watching him curiously.

  'You've been in Mexico? What were you doing there?'

  Mr Franklin paused, in that distinguished little assembly, and then said with a smile: 'Well, sir, I was what they call "on the prod"; just moving from place to place, doing this and that; punching cattle - that's driving them, you know - '

  'I know,' said the King. 'But you're not a cow-hand.'

  'Why, no, sir. Most of the time, when my partner and I could raise the stake, we went prospecting - mining for silver, gold, in the sierras.'

  'Extraordinary. A miner forty-niner, eh?' The King sat back in his chair. 'May I have one of your cigarettes?'

  Mr Franklin realised that quite unconsciously he had drawn his case from his pocket, and was turning it between his fingers. He hastened to open it; the King took the case and examined its contents.

  'What's this? "Colonel Bogey"? Don't know them.' He put one between his lips, closed the case and examined it, before returning it.

  'And then - you struck it rich? Isn't that the expression?' He looked directly at Mr Franklin while Mrs Keppel lighted the cigarette for him.

  'Not to badly, sir. We paid for our trip.'

  'And for a trip to England?' The King puffed, coughed, and peered at the cigarette.

  'Why, yes, sir. My family was English, a long time back.'

  'Yes - Soveral was telling me you've bought a house. Now, most of our American visitors "do" the sights, buy up Bond Street, take all the best shooting, and marry into the House of Lords.' The King coughed and chuckled. 'Can't blame the peers - marrying rich Americans is about all they'll be able to do if Mr Lloyd George has his way. Eh, Halford? But-'to Mr Franklin again' - you mean to stay, I gather?'

  'I believe so, sir.'

  'Remarkable.' The King coughed again, and regarded his cigarette. 'Alice, you may stop rebuking me; I shall never smoke cigarettes again.'

  'Never, sir!' Mrs Keppel made a pretty grimace of mock surprise. 'I can't believe that!'

  'True, though.' The King replaced his cigarette, wheezing. 'I shall cease smoking cigarettes, and smoke only "Colonel Bogeys". I'm not sure what they are, but they're certainly not cigarettes. Eh, Franklin?'

  Mr Franklin smiled apologetically amidst the polite laughter, and the King went on:

  'Do any hunting in Mexico?'

  'Hardly, sir. But I have hunted in the Rocky Mountains.'

  'Someone got a grizzly bear in his luncheon basket that time, did he?' The little eyes screwed up in royal mirth, the others applauded dutifully, and his majesty went on to say that that reminded him, what about dinner?

  Sir Charles Clayton had been turning anxious glances towards the door for five minutes; Peggy had vanished, presumably to see what was happening in the kitchen. At this reminder Sir Charles looked wretched and muttered an apology, Mrs Keppel covered the embarrassed silence with a bright remark, and the King sat back, grumbling quietly. Mr Franklin, from his place by the mantelpiece, observed the looks that were being exchanged among the guests, marvelled inwardly at the curious atmosphere which, he supposed, must surround royalty even in this democratic age, and decided it was nothing to do with him. Should he offer the King another cigarette? - probably better not; the portly figure had disgruntlement written in every line of it now, and even Mrs Keppel was looking anxious. Clayton, who had aged five years in as many minutes, muttered another apology and fled from the room; there were a few muted whispers, a stifled laugh, and a growl from the King. The minutes ticked by; Mr Franklin wondered if he should offer conversation, but was restrained by a vague sense that one didn't speak in the presence of royalty until spoken to. He made the most of his time by examining the King surreptitiously: how old was he? Around seventy, and in some ways he looked it; the beard was grey, although the moustache was still dark, but the face was heavily-veined and high living had puffed up the fat round eyes which, Mr Franklin reflected, were probably small and shrewd in a King, but in a commoner might well have been described as piggy. Powerful build, though, and vigorous enough apart from that cough; in the silence he could hear the asthmatic rustle - old man Davis had sounded just the same; come to think of it, if you put a red undervest on Edward VII, and a battered old hat, he'd pass for a Tonopah silver-hog anywhere. What would Davis have thought if he could see his partner now, hob-nobbing with royalty; what would his ghost be saying if it were at Mr Franklin's

  shoulder ...

  `That the King? The King? King of England? Well, goddamighty!

  Looks a likely old feller, don't he? Knows a few songs an' stories, I bet. And that she-male coo-in' over him? Say, wherever did you see a pair o' paps like those? Ain't those the real artickles, them; and ain't she the finest piece of meat you ever saw in a skirt? Why, the dirty old goat, she's wasted on him! Say, wouldn't I like to squire her to the Bella Union, though, an' get her playful on whisky-punch? Yessir, she'd be a real playful lady. ..'

  Mr Franklin became suddenly aware that the King was looking at him - God, had he been thinking aloud? But in fact His Majesty was merely examining him speculatively; there was even a twinkle in his pouchy eyes. Presumably some happy thought had momentarily banished his sulky impatience for dinner.

  "On the prod", was it? Curious expression. Not the same thing as "on the dodge," though, I fancy?'

  'No, sir. No, not at all,' said Mr Franklin, and despite himself he felt a tiny prickle on his spine. It occurred to him that in their brief conversation King Edward had probably found out more about him in two minutes than most people could have discovered in two years, and was even making a little humorous speculation. No, he hadn't been on the dodge; not really - not until now, at any rate. And this tubby old gentleman had sensed it. It occurred to Mr Franklin that possibly being a king, and presumably spending a lifetime among statesman and diplomats and ministers, probably did nothing to blunt a man's native shrewdness; he was certainly nobody's fool, this one. Fortunately Mr Franklin was spared any further embarrassing inquisition by the announcement of dinner, at. which royalty heaved up gratefully, and even beamed at the slightly flus
tered Peggy.

  `Trouble below stairs?' inquired the King playfully, as he took her arm, and Peggy admitted that cook had had a little trouble with the ptarmigan.

  'Oh, said the King. `Ptarmigan.' It was said with a weight of gloom which caused Mrs Keppel to raise her brows; to Mr Franklin's surprise she offered her arm to him, and he found himself pacing behind the King with the King's mistress for his escort, while she enthused again about his gift of spurs. She had, in fact, been rather sorry for Mr Franklin, cut off and presumably out of his depth during the royal sulk, and exerted herself to put him at his ease - and the effect of Alice Keppel, when she set herself to charm, was such that Mr Franklin took his seat at dinner feeling quite ashamed at himself for allowing old Davis's lewd thoughts to run through his mind.

  Dinner, to his relief, was far less of an ordeal than he had expected. It was served at an enormous round table in what even Mr Franklin recognised as being a rather shabby dining-room; with frontier insight he guessed that the silver and crockery had probably been hired from Norwich or even London for the occasion; it was rather too splendid for its surroundings. He was seated about half way round from the King, who was flanked by Mrs Keppel and another lady; Peggy, as hostess, sat approximately opposite the royal chair, next to Mr Franklin. To his surprise, she exhibited none of the nervousness that he would have expected; her slight disorder immediately before dinner, she explained to him sotto voce over the soup, had been the result of what she described as a flaming row with that bloody cook, and the bitch could pack her traps in the morning. Mr Franklin considered this gravely, and remarked that the soup was extremely good.

  'D'you think so? Well, I'm glad someone's pleased. Frankly, I don't give a damn if the whole meal's inedible.' Peggy sipped at her spoon and leaned forward, smiling brightly, to answer Lord Arlesdon, seated farther round the table. 'I mean, it's all just too horrid-ino for words, isn't it?' she went on to Mr Franklin. `Why did he have to come here for the night, when, he could have stayed with the Albemarles, or at Elveden? It would have been bad enough, even if Mummy had still been alive, but as it is ... well, I'm not up to playing mother-hen, and I don't care who knows it.' She laid down her spoon and pulled a face. `Poor old Daddy - how he's suffering!'