Thin Air

by Storm Constantine

  ‘Are you going to write about Chris?’ Julie asked.

  Jay shook her head. ‘No. I told you, that’s not why I’m here.’ She turned sideways in her seat. ‘Look, I want to tell you what prompted me to come.’

  Julie stared at her, hardly blinking, nibbling her nails, while Jay told the story of the documentary, the magazine and the calls. For some reason, she omitted the part about Zeke Michaels. Let Julie think it was her hunches alone that had dragged her northwards. ‘It was all the coincidences, Julie,’ Jay said, with emphatic hand gestures. ‘I just had to come. There’s more to Dex’s story, I know, and as his partner, well ex-partner, I want to find it. Somehow, I don’t think I’ll be able to carry on my life properly until I do.’ Was this the truth, or was it really her journalistic curiosity that was spurring her on? Ultimately, they were the same thing.

  There was a silence, then Julie slowly nodded her head. ‘You’re not wrong,’ she said, in a prophetic tone.

  Jay didn’t speak, but stared at Julie with wide, and she hoped innocent, eyes.

  ‘He’s not dead,’ Julie said. ‘He’s somewhere else.’

  ‘Do you know where?’

  Julie closed her eyes briefly, shook her head. ‘No. He won’t tell me that.’

  ‘But he speaks to you?’

  She nodded. ‘I can’t explain.’ She put her hands between her knees, her shoulders hunched forward, her head tilted towards the bleak sky. ‘There’s so much, Jay. It’s connections, you see. This causes this, causes that. It goes back a long way.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘When Chris was little, say eight years old or so, something happened. It was big news at the time. A friend of his - we used to call him Little Peter - went missing.’

  ‘Another missing person,’ said Jay. She shook her head and smiled sadly.

  ‘Yeah. Peter was never found, but well, I used to think that Chris knew what really happened.’

  ‘You think Chris, Dex, was involved?’

  ‘Perhaps if it hadn’t been Peter, it’d been him. But it stayed with Chris.’

  Jay shuddered. She could almost see the dark cloud Julie spoke of, the way it had clung to Dex like a mist, overshadowing everything. Was the answer that simple? ‘What were your suspicions?’

  ‘This must go no further. And I mean it!’ Her eyes were fierce. ‘If you say - or write - anything, I’ll bloody kill you.’

  ‘You have my word. Please...’

  ‘I think it was something to do with Gary, you see, and he’s blood an’ all. Like I said to you last night, Chris used to wind Gary up. Little Peter was Chris’ only friend, really. He was a strip of a kid, right snotty-nosed little article, but he and Chris got on great. When they were together, sometimes the devil just used to get into them. They’d do things that would get to Gary. Sit there at the table, giggling, copying what Gary did. Once he threw his dinner over Chris. Chris was copying him so much I thought he’d go right on and throw his own dinner back, but he didn’t. He sat there, with peas and gravy and everything dripping down his face, just looking at Gary. Not angry, not frightened, just looking, like he was thinking of something, a way to get back.’

  ‘And you think he found that way?’

  Julie shrugged. ‘Dunno. But soon after that, the boys were up to their tricks, larking about outside while Gary fixed his bike. Suddenly, there was this sound like a big dog fight or something. I looked out the window and at first I just wanted to laugh. There they were, scrapping in the street like animals. Chris was getting a bit of a pounding, but he was just laughing. Then Little Peter pulled him away and the pair of them ran off. Gary went after them on his bike. I wasn’t too worried. Chris knew how to get away from Gary. He was clever like that. Gary came back for his tea, but Chris didn’t. Gary said he’d followed them up to the heath, but they’d lost him there. Swore he could hear them cackling at him from the copses, but he couldn’t find them. Anyway, I went out to look for Chris around seven, because I was a bit worried by then. I met him on the street, not far from home. He looked weird, I can tell you that, sort of fierce yet holding something in. I asked him if he was OK and he just said he was. I asked about Peter and he said he didn’t know. Peter had run off.’ Julie sighed and lit another cigarette. ‘Of course, when the police came, he got a bit more questioning than that! Sullen little bugger, he was. Couldn’t, or wouldn’t, tell them anything. He just said they ran away from Gary, then split up. Chris said he didn’t come home till late to let Gary cool off, because he knew he’d pushed Gary far that day. They never found Little Peter. No-one had seen him. He just vanished.’

  Jay found she was shaking. ‘That’s horrible,’ she managed to say. ‘What do you think happened?’

  Julie drew in her breath. ‘Oh, now I reckon it happened pretty much as Chris said, only I think Peter must have fallen down somewhere. There’re old shafts on the heath. Chris felt guilty because he’d caused all the trouble in the first place that’d made Gary chase them. That’s what I think. But,’ she fixed Jay with level gaze, ‘at the time, I couldn’t help but blame Gary. He was always so nasty with the kids, like a mean dog. There was no excuse. Chris just wanted Gary to like him, really. Looked up to him. Big brother stuff. But it wasn’t to be.’

  ‘You don’t think Gary caught up with them?’

  Julie paused for a moment. ‘No. No. I’m pretty sure he didn’t. At the time, I did. At the time, I thought Gary had just gone and done something terrible to Peter. Not on purpose, but accidental, like. He had such a temper. One knock, and a little kid could go falling down a shaft, or he could hit his head, and then it might be the only thing to do... put him down a shaft.’ She shook her head. ‘I think I was more cut up than I realised. Gary wasn’t any different afterwards. He’d have had to be, wouldn’t he, if he’d done something like that? And he helped the police far more than Chris did. We all went looking, calling and looking. Jesus, the state of Peter’s mum. A black eye from her old man and a mess of tears. She was no use. Chris stayed at home. He wouldn’t go near that heath.’ She slumped. ‘He wasn’t the same after that, for a long time. It must’ve scared him, or something. He just went more quiet. Sometimes he was his old self with me, but no-one else. He didn’t really bother with friends any more, until he grew up and then the other lads thought he was cool. He changed then. Someone asked him to sing for their band. He’d never tried before, but he was bloody good. Straight away. Odd, really. He certainly had the face for it. Skinny but pretty. It’s what a lot of girls like.’

  ‘Mmm. Did he never go back to the heath?’

  ‘Oh, he got over it. We used to go there a lot. In the early days, I remember the summer, and him with a guitar. We’d take cider and some blow up there and he’d sing his songs to me. I was pretty then, with the old fishnets and spiky hair. They were grand days. I miss them.’

  ‘I miss them too,’ Jay said. ‘But I’m glad I was young then, and not now.’

  Julie said, ‘Huh! You’re not kidding. All they’re into now is burglary and drugs, I reckon, or at least around here. In my day, everyone wanted to be in a band. It was great.’

  ‘Yeah. So how do you think Peter’s disappearance connects with what happened to Dex?’

  Julie squirmed on the bench. She seemed slightly embarrassed. ‘I don’t know. It’s just that...’ She stared at Jay for a moment. ‘Oh, this is so bloody difficult, because I promised him I’d never say. I’ll have to ask.’

  ‘Ask Dex?’

  She jiggled her shoulders. ‘Just ask, that’s all. I might be able to tell you. I might.’

  Jay wanted to demand, ‘When?’ but thought better of it. She reached out and lightly touched Julie’s shoulder. ‘That’s OK. Don’t tell me anything you don’t want to. I could stay for another night, if you want.’

  Julie looked away from her; Jay suspected she was hiding the beginning of tears. ‘Yeah, do that.’

  ‘You mentioned you wanted to show me something today,’ Jay said, stubbing out her cigarette on the
slabs at their feet.

  Julie delivered a shifty glance. ‘Yeah... We could go and see a few things. Places where Chris used to go.’

  Jay suspected Julie was now holding out on her, but she’d go along with her. Maybe later, after a few drinks, she’d open up again. ‘Sounds great. Can I see the heath?’

  ‘It’s a bit of a trek.’

  ‘We can use the car.’

  Julie left her baby with Marie, and seemed cheerful at the prospect of a drive out. Jay was eager to get going. She wanted Julie to talk about her claim that Dex still communicated with her. It seemed clear his sister was rather odd, but Jay still wanted to know the details. ‘How do you fancy a take-out meal tonight?’ she suggested, as they set off. ‘We could get some wine and stay in, stuff ourselves stupid.’

  Julie looked uncertain.

  ‘I can put it on expenses, it won’t cost us a thing!’ Jay laughed, and Julie joined in, clearly relieved to learn they’d be running a scam rather than Jay simply offering charity.

  Just a short way away from the housing estate, the heath fought what was no doubt a losing battle with development. ‘It was a lot bigger when we were kids,’ Julie explained as they drove through the labyrinthine roads of a new estate. Eventually the houses dwindled and they came to a cul-de-sac, where an ancient stile could be crossed to reach Ladyhorse Common. The wind cut sharply across the open land and, in the sky, rain-clouds gathered in the north. Bleak sunlight illumined the bare trees, where a few last leaves clung. Other people were walking there, with dogs and children. It was not quite the desolate spot Jay had imagined.

  Julie suggested they walk over to the edge of the woods. ‘People don’t go there as much,’ she said.

  ‘Why’s that?’ Jay imagined some ghoulish yet romantic legend was involved.

  ‘You never know who’s wandering about,’ Julie answered darkly.

  ‘Is this where you used to play?’ Jay asked.

  Julie nodded. ‘There were pools here, but further back, where the houses are now.’ She raised a hand to point to the distant line of trees. ‘If we go that way, we’ll get to the real heath, not this bit.’

  In this place, the Dex Jay had never known had grown up. The thought excited yet saddened her. She was beginning to see children in terms of doomed creatures, unaware of the terrible futures that awaited them. ‘We had a forest near where I grew up,’ she said. ‘I went back there a few years ago, and found that most of it had gone. What was left seemed smaller somehow. I mean the trees weren’t so tall, and the little stream I used to play in, that seemed so overhung and magical, seemed hardly more than a drain.’

  ‘Things change,’ Julie said, shaking her head as if wanting stronger words to express herself.

  ‘Being a child is such a shining gift, yet we don’t know how precious it is until it’s worn out and gone away.’ Jay sighed.

  ‘I wish I could give my kids more,’ Julie said.

  Jay was moved to touch the other woman’s arm. ‘I’m not a mother, but all I can say is that letting someone have the freedom to be themselves is the biggest thing you can give anyone. Think about Dex... about Chris.’

  Julie glanced at her sidelong. ‘I know you mean well, love, but it takes more than that, it really does. Here, let’s go this way.’

  They left the open land and took a path through the trees. Here, the wind was silenced and stilled, and it was as if they’d stepped into another country. Autumn’s disrobing of the forest had revealed the old drinks cans and crisp wrappers discarded in the undergrowth, but still the trees had a certain presence. Julie led the way, her scuffed trainers kicking through the damp, rustling leaves. Her shoulders were hunched; she was silent amid her own thoughts. Jay wished she had a camera with her. In her mind, she imagined the article she could write about this visit, the stark contrast of Dex’s life with his humble beginnings.

  She jumped backwards as a young boy hurtled onto the path from between the trees. He paused for a moment to stare at Jay with dark, almost predatory, eyes. She took in his grubby face, his ragged jumper and holey jeans. Then he was gone, out of the wood the way they’d come. Jay felt strangely out of breath and reached out to a gnarled tree trunk for support.

  ‘Jay!’

  When she looked up, Julie was at least fifty yards down the path ahead of her. ‘What’s up?’ she called, beginning to walk back.

  ‘Kid spooked me,’ Jay said. ‘Damn near knocked me over.’

  Julie frowned. The forest was soundless around them.

  ‘Kid,’ said Jay lamely, looking in the direction the boy had taken.

  Julie could have said something, perhaps, but she didn’t. She smiled tightly and started to walk again. ‘This way, come on.’

  The trees became thicker, the path heading downhill. Ahead, it veered sharply upwards again. Jay was panting with exertion by the time they reached the top. Here, ancient beech trees formed an almost perfect circle around a depression in the crown of the hill. Children had made swings on two of the bigger branches with nylon rope and thick sticks, polished to a dull lustre by numerous young thighs. Julie clambered up onto one of the makeshift seats, her legs clutching the rope. She pushed herself out over the steep side of the hill, swinging in a wide, dizzying arc.

  Jay felt anxious. The branch creaked; the only sound. She sat down on the springy, damp earth. A strange weight pressed down upon her; she felt slightly disorientated and dizzy. The trees were too immense, too close. In this place, they still dreamed of lost centuries. Humans scurrying between the lichened trunks could be no more than ants to these leviathans of the forest. There was a presence: that was it. Jay felt breathless and uncomfortable, observed.

  Julie jumped back to earth. ‘There’s always been swings here,’ she said, her face flushed. ‘We used to spend hours here.’

  ‘Doesn’t look like the tradition’s faltered,’ Jay said, pulling her cigarettes from her jacket pocket, lit up. Why did she feel so unsafe?

  Julie accepted a cigarette from Jay, and leaned back against one of the trees, inhaling deeply. She looked younger somehow, released. ‘Chris and Peter would come here all the time in summer,’ she said. ‘Close your eyes.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Just do it,’ Julie said. Her own were closed already. Jay couldn’t bring herself to do it, but watched the other woman. ‘If you concentrate, you can almost hear the kids playing.’

  Jay took a nervous draw off her cigarette. Ahead of her, one of the swings twisted on its blue, ragged rope. She shuddered. She didn’t want to hear anything. ‘I don’t believe in ghosts,’ she said crassly, standing up. For a moment, the world dipped around her, the crowns of the trees spun against the sky.

  Julie’s eyes snapped open. She looked reproachful, perhaps even disappointed.

  ‘Sorry,’ Jay said. ‘I don’t feel comfortable here.’ She realised her words almost contradicted her previous statement, but Julie just shrugged.

  ‘You wanted to see,’ she said. ‘So I’ve shown you.’

  ‘Shown me what?’ Jay’s discomfort was spilling over into irritation. A headache was starting, somewhere deep behind her eyes.

  Julie stared at her steadily. ‘You’re a strange one,’ she said. ‘I thought you’d know.’

  Jay couldn’t be bothered to play games. ‘Know what? Do you see ghosts here, Julie? Is that it? Do you know more about Dex and the past than you’re letting on? Why don’t you just tell me straight?’

  Julie looked puzzled and slightly wounded. ‘I can’t tell you anything,’ she said in a low voice. ‘You can only see for yourself.’

  ‘There’s nothing to see,’ Jay said in a softer tone. ‘These are your memories, Julie, not mine. I can only hear your tales.’

  Julie sighed and nodded. She looked disappointed, as if she’d believe Jay would be a conspirator in her fantasy. ‘Not everyone’s the same,’ she said.

  Jay just wanted to get away from the place. ‘Let’s go now,’ she said, smiling apologetically. ‘I could do wit
h a drink.’

  ‘Yeah, me too.’ Julie pushed herself away from the tree trunk. ‘It’s not a great day for it, is it?’

  ‘Perhaps we can talk later,’ Jay said. ‘Thanks for bringing me here, Julie.’

  ‘’S’OK.’

  Jay’s spine tingled as they made the precarious descent down the slippery path. She could hear the branches creaking behind her, but no more; no laughter, no cries.

  Before a pub lunch, Jay insisted on driving to the nearest big super-market store, where she could repay Julie’s hospitality by stocking up on a few essentials. ‘You’ve been kind enough to put me up, and I don’t want to eat you out of house and home.’

  ‘That’s not likely, love,’ Julie said. Jay could tell she didn’t know whether to feel angry, annoyed or grateful for her guest’s largesse, but in the end obviously decided just to go along with it. Her perusal of the well-stocked shelves reminded Jay of a kid in a toy store. Julie would not shop in places like this. Hers would be the cut-price store on the estate, where choice was narrow. She ogled the bright vegetable produce; carrots that were too orange, cauliflowers almost too plump; irradiated produce that would stay fresh for a week. Jay dumped three different nets of fresh fruit in the trolley and Julie just cast her sidelong glances; aghast and almost despising. She bought two loaves of bread, warm from the oven, six different cheeses, olives, avocado. If this was a girls’ night in, she wanted her favourite nibbles to hand. ‘What’s your favourite?’ she asked Julie, and when Julie offered ‘pickles,’ Jay dumped jars of spiced onions, red cabbage and gherkins into the trolley.

  ‘Planning on feeding an army?’ Julie asked. ‘And is this going on expenses as well?’

  ‘We’ll eat early so Kylie can have some take-away,’ Jay said. ‘This little lot is for later.’ She added a bottle of gin, some tonic water, and two bottles of wine to their haul.

  ‘We’ll be sick,’ Julie said, her eyes taking on a feverish gleam as she caught Jay’s shopping-lust.