Thin Air

by Storm Constantine

  ‘He wouldn’t.’ Lacey raised a hand to her mouth, nibbled the corner of a fingernail. ‘I’m not totally innocent. As a young teenager, I did as he asked, acted as a channel for the powers he appealed to.’ She examined her fingers, then glanced up at Jay defensively. ‘From your face, I can see what you think of that.’ She leaned forward. ‘Yes. My father deals in the occult.’ The words were delivered in a defensive tone.

  ‘Lacey,’ Jay said, shaking her head. ‘I find it very hard to accept alternate realities, never mind this. It’s going too far.’

  Lacey shrugged. ‘Whether you believe in it or not is irrelevant. The important thing is that my father believes in it, and so do the men he bows down to. They believe it gives them the power to rule others, and their belief makes it so.’

  Jay nodded slowly, her mouth pursed. ‘That I can accept. It makes sense.’

  ‘What happened to you, Lacey?’ Dex asked. ‘Did you disappear voluntarily?’

  Lacey smiled grimly. ‘Partly. I wasn’t spirited away by my father, but what I knew and what I saw pushed me through to the shadowlands.’

  ‘The shadowlands,’ said Jay. ‘What are they?’

  ‘I’ll show you,’ Lacey said. ‘That’s why you’ve returned.’ She touched Dex’s arm. ‘You could never have found the body.’

  ‘What happened to it?’ Dex asked.

  ‘It walked,’ Lacey replied.

  Jay and Dex exchanged a glance. ‘Then the boy wasn’t dead,’ Jay said.

  Lacey got to her feet, and brushed down her dress. ‘Now is a changing time,’ she said. ‘In the shadowlands, they are moving, they are restless. I want you to come with me there. You have nothing to fear. It’s quite safe.’

  Jay stood up. ‘Will we get all the answers there, Lacey?’

  ‘I don’t know what all your questions are. I can only show you what is. That may be enough.’

  ‘Do you want to come?’ Jay asked Jem.

  The girl stood up and took Jay’s hand. ‘I’m scared, but I know I’d regret not seeing what she wants to show you. I’ll come.’

  Lacey led the group through the trees, along a well-trodden ancient trail. The night was silent, but for the occasional plaintive mew of a little owl. After a few minutes, the trees thinned out and the path led onto a stretch of heath-land.

  ‘I’ve never seen this place before,’ Jem said. ‘It was never here.’

  Lacey looked back. ‘I’m your key into this layer of reality,’ she said. ‘Ordinarily, people from the village wouldn’t be able to walk this path.’

  The heath reminded Jay of Ladyhorse Common, which she’d visited with Julie. But here, there seemed no limit to the landscape. Purple heather stretched for miles, interspersed with swathes of sweet vernal grass and clumps of sheep’s bit. The ground was mazed by earthy tracks, sometimes curling around spinneys of birch and oak. An eerie wind blew over the land; its moan was a thousand soft complaints.

  Jay’s skin prickled. She walked more quickly to catch up with Lacey, leaving Dex and Jem a few yards behind. ‘Tell me about the layers,’ she said. ‘I don’t understand what you mean by them, or how people can move between them.’

  ‘Through our five senses, we live in one world,’ Lacey said, in a matter of fact voice that perhaps challenged Jay to ridicule her words. ‘We live in one aspect of reality. We believe that what we perceive is all there is to it. We forget that we’re limited by our senses, and in our arrogance cannot think that anything might exist beyond what our eyes can see, our ears hear. But reality is not as simple as that. Our senses filter it for us, so that we can exist within it as the primitive beings we are. We’re unaware of all the different layers of existence that are around us all the time.’ She gestured carelessly with one hand. ‘Once we’re free of this delusion, we can begin to sense those other realities – see them, smell them. We can explore this new faculty through concentrated meditation, or sometimes we might be flung without our realising it into a reality, or layer, beyond the one we know. That’s what happened to me.’

  Lacey’s ideas might seem outrageous, but they still plucked an unexpected chord within Jay. It was true that the only tools people had to interpret the world, or the universe, were their five fragile senses. She had to agree it was arrogance to suppose those tools were perfect, the best of the range. ‘If what you say is correct,’ she said, ‘it’s like we’re trapped within our bodies, using faulty equipment to look outside.’

  Lacey nodded earnestly. ‘Yes, the equipment might pick up fuzzy pictures and incoherent sounds, but because it’s all we know, we assume it’s the full picture.’

  Jay shook her head, laughing softly. ‘I can’t believe I’m even considering accepting this and yet it does provide an explanation.’

  ‘It isn’t magic or make-believe,’ Lacey said, ‘it’s an aspect of nature or science that has yet to be fully explored. Philosophers have known about it for millennia, but who outside of academia wants even to think about it?’

  ‘Mystics,’ Jay said, ‘people who are looking for answers. They wrap the ideas up in woolly, spiritual terms. I hate that sort of thing. I can’t help it. I’m a burrower, a ferreter for facts.’

  ‘Mmm,’ Lacey said. ‘A lot of people feel that way, which leads to the ideas themselves being discredited. Quite convenient for people like my father, who don’t want others to see the truth.’

  Jay rubbed her face. ‘My instinct is to question, yet here I am, walking these other realities, accomplishing something that serious mystics only dream about. Why has it happened to me?’

  Lacey inclined her head to one side. ‘On the one hand, you’re a journalist, concerned with truth, but the other side of that is your curiosity, a willingness to venture into unknown territory to obtain that truth. Perhaps that’s the answer you seek.’

  Jay nodded. ‘It’s feasible, I suppose.’ She paused. ‘So what did happen to you? Do you mind telling me?’

  ‘No, I can talk about it. I’d grown up accepting what my father said to me as truth. When I told him I wanted to study psychology and philosophy at university, he probably thought it could only enhance my usefulness. What he didn’t bargain for was that my studies woke me up. I began to question his actions. He knew so much, yet used it for selfish ends, gathering material wealth and power. He had the knowledge, but not the wisdom. Eventually, things came to a head. He had embarked upon a very dark path, where human life other than his own meant nothing.’ Lacey’s face became closed-in, hard, her posture tense. ‘I knew what he got up to at his weekend parties, even if his own wife forced herself to remain ignorant. I knew about the accident, and for a while just kept my distance. I thought it was the only way to keep sane. It seemed so hopeless. The world was contaminated by these men of power and knowledge. They were invincible. Then someone contacted me, and I realised that my father and his kind weren’t without their adversaries.’

  ‘These must be the shadowy enemies Dex told me about.’

  Lacey’s shoulders relaxed a little. ‘Yes. I’m not saying they’re wholly good - because who is? - but they at least put a curb on the activities of Charney’s cabal, make things difficult for them.’

  ‘You joined them,’ Jay said, ‘didn’t you?’

  Lacey drew in her breath. ‘Not at first. Stupidly, I confronted my father. I suppose I wanted to give him a chance to redeem himself. Needless to say, that was pointless. He made a great show of ‘casting me out’, as if that would scare me. I tried to speak to Samantha, but she was deaf to me. So, like you, I got into my car and drove.’

  ‘Like me?’ Jay put her hand on Lacey’s arm. ‘How do you know so much about me?’

  ‘We have points of empathy,’ Lacey said, ‘I’ve been trained by people who know how to recognise such things. I perceive certain things within you, and they resonate with things inside me.’

  ‘Are you telling me you can read my mind?’

  ‘No,’ Lacey said impatiently. ‘I’m just in tune with some parts of you.’ She dismisse
d the subject with a brief gesture. ‘As I was saying, like you, I drove off into the night, except I was blinded by tears of frustration rather than full of alcohol. I drove around for a while, then headed back home, not even sure what I wanted to accomplish. I think mainly I wanted to show my father he didn’t have the power to banish me. He’d done that because he wanted to bring me to heel, make me sweat for a while. I wanted to make him see he couldn’t do that. But the home I arrived at wasn’t the one I’d left.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Jay asked.

  ‘You’ll see very shortly,’ Lacey answered. ‘We’re almost there. Look around. Absorb this place. You might learn something.’

  At one time, Jay would have felt slightly affronted by such a patronising remark, but Lacey’s even tone soothed the sting of the words.

  Jay dropped back a few paces to walk beside Jem. ‘Are you OK?’ she asked.

  Jem took her hand. It was clear she hadn’t been speaking much to Dex. ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Find out anything interesting?’ Dex asked.

  ‘Oh yes,’ Jay answered. ‘I’ll tell you later. For now, I just want to experience this place.’

  Dex raised his eyebrows, but Jay had the feeling her comment had pleased him.

  They walked along in silence, following Lacey over the undulating landscape. A nightjar lifted from the heather to utter its haunting, chirring cry high above. Out of the corner of her eye, Jay sensed movement, but when she turned her head, there was nothing there. The stillness of the night had become condensed and hard. Jay felt she could sense the overlapping layers of reality all around, just beyond her perception. But how could she see them? She felt it might be similar to the way the eyes could focus on a computer generated ‘magic image’, and perceive a shape in a chaotic pattern. If she concentrated hard enough, she was sure an image would suddenly loom before her, clear and definite.

  Jem squeezed her hand. ‘Jay, I think there are other people here, lots of others.’

  ‘I sense something,’ Jay answered. An indistinct shape flickered past her. Experimenting, she focused her eyes beyond it. As she’d suspected, it helped her to see what was hidden; sheer will did the rest. Shadows surrounded her, human in shape, becoming more substantial with every moment’s study. She no longer had to concentrate on perceiving them, they were just there, although she couldn’t see precise details of their features or bodies. The shadows did not appear to be aware of Jay and her companions. They were wrapped in their own dramas. Some walked with leaden steps, their shoulders hunched. A few of them were wringing their hands, or pulling at their hair. Others flitted about as if seeking something. They made no sound.

  ‘Where the hell are we?’ Jay murmured. ‘Can you see them, Dex?’

  He took her arm. ‘Yes. And I don’t know where we are.’

  Lacey stopped to wait for them. ‘Don’t be afraid of the shadows,’ she said. ‘They’re just thought forms or memories. If they distress you, don’t look at them. Dismiss them from your perception.’

  Now that she’d trained herself to see the forms, Jay didn’t think she’d be able to reverse the process. The images were too strong. ‘Where are we?’ she asked, trying to keep her voice even.

  ‘A node,’ Lacey said. ‘A between place. I know that won’t mean much yet, but just bear with me.’

  They had come to the crest of a rise. Wind hissed through the grass around them. Below, down a gentle slope, was the house. Unlike the one Jay had seen near the river at Lestholme, there was evidence of activity within it. Dim lights glowed at the windows, in odd colours of murky green and purple. All around it, indistinct shadow figures wandered with shambling steps. It seemed to Jay as if the house somehow kept them in its orbit.

  ‘This is the home I came back to that night,’ Lacey murmured. ‘It’s the ghost that forever hangs around Emmertame.’

  Jay remembered Dex’s story, when he’d told he he’d once looked at Lorrance’s house from the outside and seen it as evil. Jay could empathise with his feelings now. The house was white, its architecture graceful, yet an invisible and oppressive miasma hung around it, reeking of despair and soulless joy. Her instincts balked at approaching the place. She wanted to turn round and run away, fast. Her inner self feared contamination.

  Lacey took Jay’s hand. ‘You will come to no harm,’ she said. ‘If there was any risk of that, I wouldn’t have brought you here.’

  Jay found it difficult to swallow. Her heart was beating so fast, she feared it might stop completely at any moment. ‘You know we want answers,’ she said in a weak voice. ‘Show us what we came here for.’ She glanced at Dex. ‘Are you OK with this?’

  His face was unnaturally pale. He managed a brief nod.

  Jem reached out and took Dex’s hand. Linked together, the four of them walked slowly down the slope.

  The house was full of people, yet noise was strangely muted. A party was in progress, but the music was only a dull, rhythmic thump and voices a listless tide of sound. The deep glow of red and indigo light turned human figures to blurred shadows. Jay felt she must be moving more quickly than them, or else much slower. They were vaporous ghosts, leaving trails of ether in their wake. Jay glanced at Dex. His face looked livid in the odd light and his eyes were wide, the whites glowing unnaturally.

  ‘This is the soul of my father’s house,’ Lacey said, ‘what he has made it.’

  ‘It’s that night all over again,’ Dex said hoarsely.

  Lacey shook her head. ‘No. We are not in the past, Dex. This place exists in no time. It’s just a representation of all that happens at Emmertame, the soul of the place. That night is part of it. You’ll see for yourself.’ She turned away from them slowly and gazed up the sweeping stairs that disappeared into a purplish darkness.

  Jay’s skin was still crawling, and she took deep breaths to maintain control over her screaming urge to flee. Her eyes were drawn against her will to the top of the stairs. It was too dark up there to make out any details, but she sensed movement, violent movement.

  The body fell in slow motion. It seemed to pour itself over the shadowy banisters above, like smoke. Jay saw its limbs flapping like empty sleeves. When it hit the floor, quite near to their feet, it bounced a little, bonelessly. Jay stared down at it in a kind of fascinated horror. This isn’t real, she told herself, but another voice whispered cruelly inside her: but it happened once. You’re looking at death.

  Jay put a hand to her mouth, which had filled with nauseous saliva. It wasn’t a young man lying on the floor in front of them, but a school-age boy. This was like a nightmare, when the most bizarre and frightening things can happen, and the dream self just experiences it without judgement. Jay felt entirely in the present moment; she had no past and no future. She was pure experiencer.

  At her side, Dex expelled a tight whine, as if his jaws were clamped involuntarily together. Jay heard Jem utter a soothing sound, but was incapable of turning round herself. She was compelled to look away from the body, up the stairs. A tall pillar of darkness hovered on the landing. It had blue lights for eyes and exuded an almost palpable smell of malevolence.

  ‘That is my father,’ Lacey said. ‘The true form of his soul.’

  Jay was immediately concerned this apparition might come down to them, threaten or attack them in some way, but before she could ask Lacey for reassurance on that point, Dex uttered a choked groan behind her. Jay turned and saw he’d flung both forearms before his eyes. Jem was reaching up to him, murmuring, ‘It’s OK.’

  ‘No, it isn’t!’ he cried, and pointed a shaking finger at the body on the floor. ‘It’s him!’ he said. ‘Him!’

  Jay frowned. ‘Who? Dex, this isn’t real, none of it. You must see...’

  ‘Little Peter,’ said Dex. He swallowed, his throat convulsing visibly.

  Jay looked back at the body. The shock of Dex’s words made it seem more real to her. Had Dex brought his own demons with him to this place? The body moved feebly against the tiles, its fingers scratchi
ng the polished surface. Jay did not want to see it lift its head. She wanted to turn away, deny what she was seeing, but was powerless to move. Lacey’s voice was a wordless murmur at her side.

  Little Peter looked up. For one dark moment, Jay was horrified, but then her body flooded with a tide of relief. This was no hideous horror, but a little boy. He did not look injured and he was smiling.

  ‘Chris, they never found me,’ he said, and got to his feet.

  Beside Jay, Dex was rigid, but had lowered his arms from his face. ‘Are you dead, Pete?’ he said.

  The boy laughed. ‘Dead? No! I knew when I was in the deep green place that I had to escape, and I did. I disappeared. It was so easy.’

  ‘What is the deep green place?’ Jay asked.

  ‘The underforest, the place beyond all shadow.’ He held his arms out to them, clenching and unclenching his fists. Jay was reminded of Julie’s baby Melanie, her starfish hands. She was back there, crouched in the ancient oak, looking down into Dex’s secret hideaway. Only she was no longer Jay. She was witnessing this through someone else’s eyes: Peter’s.

  It was not terrible anger, it was not hurt or fear. The thing that made Peter run was a yearning. That day, after the incident in the road with Gary, Peter had felt merely tired of all the senseless altercation, the smallness of everyone’s lives. He lacked the knowledge or the words to describe this disappointment, and could only experience it as pure feeling. He wanted to get away. He wanted to reach a place where he wouldn’t feel this way, where life was different. He knew it existed, for hadn’t he dreamed of it so many times? Images had come to him as he’d swung on the old frayed rope at the top of the hill in the wood. He would go there alone, often. As the twilight fell and the wood breathed silently around him, the green would condense in his head, until he was surrounded by a viridian mist, shot with purest spring yellow. Peter had swung faster and faster, feeling the air whoosh around him. Forest colours whirled and spun behind his closed eyes. His swing was a pendulum, ticking into another time. He dreamed of jumping from the swing out into the air, running back through the forest to emerge onto a common devoid of human litter, of people, of dogs. There would be no houses in the distance, no telegraph poles, only endless landscape. On the swing, he was so sure he could make this happen, but it never did.