A Distant Hope

by Ellin Carsta

  “Good night, madame.”

  “Good night, Anna.”

  Elisabeth quickly went upstairs, took off her clothes, slipped into her nightgown, and put her bathrobe on top. She took a flask from the dressing table and sprayed a little more eau de toilette on her throat. Picking up a blanket and pillow for Georg, she left her bedroom and went back to the parlor, where Georg lay on the couch, snoring. Elisabeth sighed. He could have at least made it easier for her. She covered him with the blanket and threw the pillow on the floor for the time being. She went to the sideboard and poured two glasses of cognac and put them beside her on the table. Then she sat down on the edge of the sofa.

  “Georg, I want to talk to you.” She shook him gently. “It is important.”

  It took a while for him to come to. “Elisabeth?”

  “Yes, it’s me.”

  “What’s the time?”

  “I don’t know. I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. I must tell you something, Georg.”

  He had trouble sitting up. Elisabeth bent down, picked up the pillow off the floor, and stuffed it behind his back. In doing so her breast grazed his shoulder, as if accidentally. She picked up the glasses, which she could hardly make out in the dark room, and gave one to her brother-in-law.

  “I would like us to have a toast for our last night together, Georg,” she told him.

  “What do you mean?” He seemed to be slowly sobering up.

  “I am leaving,” she announced. “I must. I can’t go on like this anymore.”

  “Leaving?” He sat up with a start. “Where are you going?”

  “I don’t know yet. But I cannot stay here any longer. I will tell Martha tomorrow morning.” She clinked her glass with his. “Here’s to staying as close as we were this evening and never forgetting this time.”

  Elisabeth drank, but Georg didn’t share in the toast. He leaned forward and put the glass down on the table, coming very close to Elisabeth.

  She put down her glass and moved as if to get up. Georg held her back.

  “Please, Elisabeth, tell me where you’re going.”

  “I really don’t know, not yet. As soon as I’ve found something suitable for Martha and me, I will let you know.”

  “But why?” He held her by the shoulders.

  She breathed heavily. “This evening with you . . .” She shook her head. “To see how wonderful you are and how you suffer nonetheless. How you carry out your duty and work for the family without regard for yourself. You are a wonderful, strong man. A man somebody can respect.” She covered her face with her hands. “I was so proud of you tonight, but that is what I ought not to feel. I cannot stay like this any longer, I don’t want to. It’s too much for me.” She sobbed.

  Georg leaned forward and took her in his arms. He held her for a while as she cried. Then he leaned back, holding her shoulders. “Please, Elisabeth, don’t go! Everything I’ve achieved recently I owe to you. I’m strong with you by my side, confident, and can win people over. Please, Elisabeth, I need you.”

  She raised her eyes, slid his hand from her shoulder, and pressed it to her breast. “I want more from you than just being near you.”

  She moved his hand, sighed, threw her head back. Georg gulped hard, breathed more loudly, and pulled her toward him. They kissed frantically and intensely, and he seized her breast as she pulled the blanket aside and put her hand between his thighs. Georg groaned softly as he slipped off her bathrobe. Elisabeth stood and pulled her nightgown over her head, standing before him completely naked. He could just make out her slim well-shaped silhouette and saw that she was breathing heavily with desire. He stood up, took off his clothes, and was soon naked, too.

  Elisabeth seized his erection, stroked it, and pressed him back onto the couch. Then she lowered herself down on him, letting him glide into her. She slowly moved up and down, again and again. She rotated her hips, took him fully into herself, dug her fingers into his shoulders, threw her head back, and moaned. He put both hands on her breasts while lifting his hips to meet her. Her movements grew faster, more demanding, as if she was trying to feel him even more deeply inside herself. They both gasped, yielding more and more to their desire. Elisabeth convulsed. She moaned and cried out, and in response Georg’s passion came to a climax. Elisabeth’s movements faded; she let her arms sink as she gasped for air and leaned against Georg’s chest. They stayed that way for a moment; then Elisabeth climbed off him, picked up her nightgown and bathrobe, and put them on. She bent down and gave Georg a long, passionate kiss. Then she left the room without a word. She washed quickly in the bathroom, went to her bedroom, and lay down on her bed. Everything had worked exactly the way she’d planned. She smiled and fell asleep a few moments later.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Vienna, Mid-October 1889

  They met once a week, sometimes more. For Karl it was simultaneously the most wonderful and the worst time of his life. Florentinus sent him little notes in sealed envelopes that street urchins delivered to his office, mentioning just a time and place. Florentinus would not wait for Karl longer than half an hour. If Karl didn’t come within that time, it meant the rendezvous was not happening. But that happened only once. They’d meet in different hotels, never arriving at the same time. Florentinus would reserve a room and then go out and around the corner where Karl was waiting. Florentinus would give him the room number, and then he would go up first, followed by Karl a little later. They would give themselves an hour, never much more, for making love. Then Karl would hurry back to the office so that Felix, his sole employee, would not be alone for too long.

  Every meeting with Florentinus stirred Karl’s emotions, making him euphoric, then despairing just as deeply. How could he do that to Therese, his beloved wife, who was so honest and sincere and loved him with all her heart? It often took hours for him to get hold of his fear of being discovered and to be able to fall asleep. Why wasn’t he like everybody else? How often had he asked himself this question that never had an answer?

  It had always been that way, as long as he could remember. When other boys would gaze after girls, he was never interested. He would feel excitement when he played with other boys and brushed against their bodies. Then he would lie in bed at night, touching himself as he thought about how it felt when another boy accidentally grazed him. It was confusing and didn’t feel right, yet he indulged himself, bringing agony and pleasure at the same time. He hated himself for it. He had always hated himself for it. And yet he couldn’t disavow it.

  When he met Therese, he had hoped she would be the one who could bring about a fundamental change in his life. A woman who understood him, though he could never entrust her with his secret. The law punished men like him; he could even be imprisoned. Some doctors had conducted experiments to explain that homosexuality was a disease, which might make it possible to avoid punishment. But Karl could never have withstood the humiliation associated with it.

  He was twenty-three when he had his first real encounter with another man. He remembered it as if it were yesterday—it had been after a party. Adalbert, a student like himself with whom he’d talked all evening, was going home the same way, so they’d taken a shortcut through the park. They were quite drunk, laughing, and on that warm summer night, they suddenly decided to go swimming in the little duck pond. Adalbert had suggested it, and for months afterward Karl wondered whether he had planned it from the start. They’d scarcely undressed and jumped into the pond when Adalbert had come very close to Karl and brushed against him as though by accident again and again as they swam around. Once they had gotten cold and climbed out of the pond, there were no towels, so they just brushed the water off. Karl began to put on his clothes when Adalbert laid a hand on his arm and stopped him. Karl didn’t understand at first, but then Adalbert got down on his knees and took Karl in his mouth. Just like that, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Karl gasped for breath, wanted to push Adalbert away, yell at him. But the feeling was so incredible, so exci
ting and overwhelming, that he closed his eyes and let it happen.

  But afterward, burning with shame, he grabbed his clothes and ran, naked, away from the pond. He didn’t stop until he was far away, and he looked to see if Adalbert was following. He quickly dressed and ran home. Everyone was in bed, so he didn’t have to explain his agitated state to anyone. There had been a few other men, but Karl had despised himself so much every time that he stopped, unable to bear the distress it caused him. All that lay far back in the past, because when he met Therese, he truly believed she could change him. But he’d only made it worse and ran the risk of destroying what might have been his only chance at a real life.

  He’d been on a ladder the day before, getting a box on the highest shelf, when the ladder had wobbled under his weight and he had to quickly grab the shelf so he didn’t fall. And then something strange happened. It crossed his mind that it might be good if he let go. The shelf was just below the ceiling, a good twelve feet up. From that height a broken neck was not only possible but probable. Could he find peace that way? Felix came in at that exact moment to see if he could help, startling Karl out of his thoughts. He told Felix roughly to go back to the salesroom in case a customer came in. Then he’d taken the box and carefully made his way down, rung by rung. But the idea that it might be better for everybody—especially Therese—if he were dead had burrowed into his brain. He went to bed that night thinking about it, and when Therese rose the next morning, he hadn’t slept a wink.

  “Will you come to the café after work?”

  At the kitchen table, Karl was distracted by his own thoughts. “What?” he asked, which earned him a blistering look from his wife.

  “Don’t tell me you forgot!” she said, arms akimbo.

  “Quick, help me, it’s too early to think.”

  “Herr Riemenschneider’s coming today, the man who owns the building next door, who is thinking of selling.”

  “Oh yes, right, that’s today.”

  “And I’d really like it if you were there.”

  “Of course. When?”

  “He wanted to come at five. Can you make it?”

  “Yes, I’ll ask Felix to lock up.”

  “Good.” She sat down at the table. “Sometimes I think I’m in a dream. Who would have thought a few years ago that my café would be too small?”

  “It’s extremely impressive, what you’ve accomplished.”

  “What you’ve done, too. You know, I think it’s nice we are both excited about our work, don’t you?”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “Karl, what’s wrong? You haven’t laughed in a while and are always so distant. I feel as though you’re not really here.”

  “Of course I’m here. Where else would I be?”

  Therese scrutinized him. “Sometimes I think you don’t love me anymore.”

  “Therese, stop it! That’s ridiculous!”

  “Yes, that’s true. I know you love me. I know it deep down. But you’ve changed. Do you still want the life we have?”

  He reached across the table to take her hand. “I most certainly do, my little sunshine. You’re the most important part of my life.”

  “If it gets to be too much for you that I keep working and wanting to do more and more, then you must tell me. Are you listening?”

  “I will. Count on it. But what could be better than having a wife who loves her work and brings home loads of money?”

  She laughed brightly. “Well, it’s not all that much, but I do think we can’t complain. Your business is on everybody’s lips, and the profits have increased remarkably.”

  “I’m satisfied, but I’d be happier if the volume were greater.”

  “Then talk to your brothers about it,” Therese suggested as she had some coffee. “Of course, it’s hard to do that with Robert, but you could send Georg a telegram.” She paused. “No, not a telegram, a letter.”

  “Yes, I really ought to.”

  “Do you think there’s a reason all the shipments still go through Hamburg?”

  “I honestly don’t know. Georg’s last letter said he forwards the bulk of Robert’s shipments to me right away, but I think he wants to feel that he’s an important part of it all.”

  “And the good people of Hamburg still don’t buy enough cocoa?”

  “Precisely.”

  “Hmm. If you’re right, you shouldn’t address it too directly. Just let him know how much you can store, give the exact amount, explain that you have no objection if the beans are sent to you directly. If he still wants it to go through Hamburg, then leave it at that. There’s no disadvantage for you, and it would be unfair to push him into a corner by demanding something.”

  “You know, whatever you suggest is always right, no matter the subject. I love that about you.”

  She shrugged. “I don’t think one needs to hurt people. There’s enough pain in the world without adding to it with thoughtless acts or stupid remarks that could easily be avoided.”

  “You’re a wonderful person. I don’t deserve you.”

  “Why not? You’re exactly the same way, Karl. Or would you hurt me by doing something thoughtless?”

  Karl swallowed hard. The doorbell rang, saving him from having to answer.

  “Oh, is it that late!” Therese jumped up. “That must be Tino.”

  Karl choked on his mouthful of coffee and coughed. “Florentinus?” His wife was already at the door and returned with her brother in tow.

  “Good morning, Karl.”

  “Good morning. I didn’t know you were in Vienna.”

  “Just for the day. Therese asked me to sound out the seller of that building before the two of you see him. See if there are any bodies in the basement.”

  Therese looked carefully at Karl. “You’re pale all of a sudden. Don’t you feel well?”

  “The coffee went down the wrong way, and I couldn’t breathe.”

  “You haven’t told your husband about our plan?”

  “Oh, I meant to. But he’s at work so much that we hardly see each other, and when we do, then one of us is too tired—or both of us are—to talk.”

  “I understand.” Florentinus smiled.

  “Besides, it’s no secret, anyway,” Therese said. “I just want to see if my old neighbor Riemenschneider is an honest man or will lie and promise me the moon. And you’re a master at fooling people with your smooth talk, brother dear.”

  “Well, if you say so.”

  “Oh, I’m late. Stay here for a while, Tino? It would be suspicious if you showed up at Riemenschneider’s when I’ve barely opened the café next door.”

  “Fine.” Florentinus sat down in Therese’s chair opposite Karl.

  “I’ve got to be off as well,” Karl said as he got to his feet. “I’ve got too much to do at the office.”

  “I could go with you and help instead of just sitting around here waiting.”

  Karl wanted to reject the offer, but Therese spoke up first. “That’s a wonderful idea! Maybe my dear husband will make today’s appointment on time and even be home before evening.”

  Florentinus stood up again. “Gladly. Of course, only if you’ve no objection.”

  Karl gave him a look that signified anything but agreement. “Of course not. Why would I?”

  “Good.” Therese gave Karl a kiss. “See you later—and don’t forget: five sharp at the café. I’m relying on you.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  Therese gave Florentinus a kiss on the cheek, grabbed her coat, and left. They heard her dance lightly down the stairs.

  Florentinus took a step toward Karl.

  “Don’t you dare get near me in this apartment,” Karl warned him.

  “What’s the matter? Have I done something?”

  “I didn’t know you were coming, and I can’t say I like the surprise. This is where I live with my wife, your sister. It’s almost as if you want her to find out.”

  “My sister asked me to come. That’s God’s truth. And she d
id because she hasn’t the slightest inkling.”

  Karl opened his mouth and shut it. Then he leaned on his chair for support. “I’m sorry. My nerves are shot.”

  “I don’t want her to find out every bit as much as you.”

  “I know. I overreacted. I’m sorry.”

  “Of course.”

  Karl put on his jacket, and they left the apartment for the office. Under different circumstances Karl would never have worried about what people might think about the two of them. How often he’d walked along Vienna’s streets with Felix, Martin, Friedhelm, or another friend when they were on business or on their way home. But now, with Florentinus, he was overcome by the thought that everyone could tell by looking what joined them together. Karl felt completely naked and that everyone was staring at him.

  Suddenly he couldn’t breathe from one moment to the next. He felt a tightness pulling in his chest and gasped for breath.

  “Karl, what’s wrong?” Florentinus held him so he wouldn’t fall.

  Karl’s eyes rolled back, and he looked about to faint. They were attracting some attention.

  “What’s happened?” a woman asked, looking at Karl with concern.

  “I don’t know. Just a minute ago everything was fine, and then suddenly . . .” Florentinus broke off.

  They dragged Karl along the sidewalk and leaned him against the wall of a building.

  “You must stay calm, do you hear?” The woman tried to look him in the eye. Then she said to Florentinus. “There’s a pharmacy just ahead. Maybe they can help him there, or get a doctor.”

  Florentinus picked him up from one side and asked the woman to support Karl from the other. Karl felt everything spinning around him.

  “Please help us,” the woman said as they dragged Karl into the pharmacy.

  “Good heavens!” the pharmacist exclaimed, rushing out from behind the counter.

  He and Florentinus heaved Karl onto a chair.

  “Wilma, quick, a glass of water and get Dr. Sulzbach!”

  She came running with the water, put it on the counter, and rushed out to fetch the doctor.