The Sadness of Geography
Page 17
Here I am doing nothing and fighting with your mother. Everyone is teasing me now that I don’t have a business.
Write me about how are you doing? Don’t worry about us. You should live happily. You should watch your body [health] — remember, you need a wall to draw a picture [a familiar Tamil expression]. It is in your hands for us to gain back the good status.
I wrote to Anna to not buy a house or land here now — maybe after two or three years, then it may be okay to buy. Study carefully. Don’t take baths in the sea [at my birth it was prophesied that I would die in water]. We are worried about both of you all the time. Bad things happened to Anna’s hard-earned money. However, I strongly believe he will get it back.
Anna sent 100 dollars. I am going to use some of it to buy a cycle. When did you send your last letter? Did you send any money? I didn’t get any. If you send letters to Indiran’s shop, I will never get them. Therefore, send letters to our home address. I never received any letters since you sent the birthday card. After January along with 300 dollars, I never received any money. If you sent any, write a letter. If you have money, send it to me. I am going to talk to Anna via a telephone soon. Write me letters. Don’t forget. Also write to me how much money you sent it and when did you sent it.
Loving Aiya,
C.R. Tharmathurai
Last letter (written in Tamil) that I received from my father, dated May 9, 1986, before he died on July 1, 1986.
I felt horribly guilty, of course, and furious — unappeasably so. And I gripped my anger like a lifeline.
It took many years for my anger to diminish — not just anger at my father but at the world at large. I have now let go of it. I have learned to forgive others’ mistakes and to understand what love is. When we die, we bring nothing with us. We leave only our legacy behind to remind others how we lived.
We don’t get to choose our fathers. We must all make do.
I read my father’s letter again recently and cried. Not for me but for my father. For what he tried and failed to be.
At the same time that Kanna and my father had gone to India to find Lathy, Lathy was able to get his money back from Indian customs and travel to Sri Lanka with help from the rebels. When he returned home, he bought a house in Chavakachcheri for our family and helped them get settled there. My father had written a letter to my aunt when he left for India. She, Sumathi, and Sharmilee came back and lived with Lathy, my mother, and my siblings in Chavakachcheri. Two months later, Lathy was shot in the leg by the Sri Lankan Army and was hospitalized for many months.
My mother and the rest of my siblings lived with Lathy for two years and then left for Canada in July 1988. Lathy continued to live with our aunt and our half-sisters in Chavakachcheri. After my mother got her job in the factory in Scarborough, she was able to sponsor Lathy into Canada, even though he was an adult, because he was her only child left behind in Sri Lanka.
Lathy finally came to Toronto in 1989 and was reunited with our family. Our aunt and half-sisters remained living in the house that Lathy had bought in Chavakachcheri. Over time, my brothers and sisters got married and moved on with their lives. My mother continues to live with me to this very day.
EPILOGUE
Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s the determination and commitment to unrelenting pursuit of your goal — a commitment to excellence — that will enable you to attain the success you seek.
— Mario Andretti, Italian American world-champion race-car driver
I have kept my memories alive by reviewing them mentally, even reliving some of the worst memories in my dreams. The haunting fears of getting arrested, molested, or killed by the military; being robbed and killed by the mobs in Colombo; being cheated by other Tamils; getting attacked in the prison; and getting deported back to Sri Lanka were all things that I suffered with privately, that I kept locked up inside me for the majority of my life. Writing this memoir was my first step toward effectively dealing with this trauma, and I feel it has contributed to making me a stronger person overall.
Despite my past and the struggles I have faced, I have been very fortunate to build a career in information systems at a Fortune 500 company. My colleagues have often asked me about what I went through in Sri Lanka, and I have shared the story about being chased by a military helicopter. I am sure that I suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder, and I can understand how many veterans feel after experiencing war.
For many years, I was deeply ashamed by the incident with the soldiers on the train, and it wasn’t until recently, at the age of fifty, that I finally shared the story of this experience with my wife. She was the first person to know that I had been molested and has been very supportive, especially when I expressed how I felt.
My wife is the love of my life, and I met her here in Canada. We have been married for almost thirty years now and have been blessed with two wonderful boys, Eric and Daniel. Both have completed their university studies and are trying to make their own dreams come true.
I have been given so many extraordinary opportunities in Canada that I could never have imagined. I am so grateful to this country for the warm welcome I received.
I remember when I was twelve years old, my father took me with him to visit a friend of his. As he introduced me, he told his friend that his son was “brilliant” and that “he will be very successful one day.”
I have been living in Canada now for more than three decades. I have a wonderful family, and I got the education I had always wanted. Although my father is long dead, I still wanted to prove to him that he was right. I wanted him to be proud.
I think he would be.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
When I described some of the challenges that I had faced in my life to my friends, they encouraged me to share my story with the world. My painful experiences have been burning inside of me for more than thirty years, but now I’ve been able to get them out of my system. Thank you, dear reader, for taking the time to read my story.
I would like to express my sincere thanks to my mother, who never lost hope while going through the many ups and downs in her life. She was able to protect our family and keep everyone alive through civil war and poverty.
I would like to thank my love, Celia, who lost both of her parents when she was young, lived as an orphan, and took care of her younger brother. She accepted me for who I am.
Thank you, Robin Ramesra and Teresa Ward for encouraging me to write my story.
Greg Ioannou, I am grateful for your mentorship. You have an amazing team that provided me with invaluable support.
Finally, special thanks Elham Ali, Laura Boyle, Carl Brand, Crissy Calhoun, Susan Fitzgerald, Rudi Garcia, Allison Hirst, Kirk Howard, Kathryn Lane, Heather McLeod, Elena Radic, Rachel Spence, and others from Dundurn Press for their tremendous support and guidance to share my story with the world.
Book Credits
Acquiring Editor: Kathryn Lane
Developmental Editor: Allison Hirst
Project Editor: Elena Radic
Editorial Assistant: Melissa Kawaguchi
Copy Editor: Susan Fitzgerald
Proofreader: Crissy Calhoun
Designer: Laura Boyle
Publicist: Elham Ali