The bell rang and dinner was in silence. She ignored them, ignored the other gladiators, just settling in to stare off into the distance. When the last evening training came, it was simple again. Sparring and nothing else.
7
Mave
She sank into her bath after it all and wiped the sweat, dirt, and blood from her skin. She closed her eyes and sank deeper into her pool, enjoying the blissful silence, aside from the trickle of water where fresh water flowed in for her. The Elvasi had a plumbing system and the pool in her private room was attached to it.
She was broken out of her peace by a knock at her door. She didn’t answer it. If it were Dave coming for her, he would just walk in. It had to be those two. She heard her door open and the set of footsteps. Heavier was Matesh and lighter was Rainev.
She rose up and shook her wings as best she could to dry them, then left her small bathing room. “What do you want?” she asked, standing nude in the doorway. She wasn’t sure she was in the mood to deal with them after what happened during training.
They were still in their armor, she noticed. They had changes of clothes in their arms, though. Maybe they had stopped by her room before going to bathe.
Matesh’s eyes fell on her first and, like she had done to him in the training yard, made a trail down her then back before meeting her eyes. Unlike him, she didn’t have a reaction to it. They were in her space and she would be in any state of dress she pleased. It wasn’t like the gladiators wouldn’t strip nude eventually on a hot day. It was just their way of things. They would have seen her body eventually.
Why deny the inevitable? I don’t care what they think of my scarred form. It’s not like I’m pretty and wanting to show off.
Some part of her did care, but she shoved it down hard.
Rainev, curiously, didn’t look her over. He met her eyes and didn’t budge.
“We wanted to speak to you more. I noticed you were quiet for the rest of the day and wanted to say that we’re sorry for anything we might have done.” Rainev smiled at her when he was done. “We’re just trying to get used to this. I mean, it’s only the end of our third day in here. We’ll be here for a long time, and it will take time for us to get used to that.”
“If you don’t get used to it, you’ll turn into them,” she warned, nodding her head towards her door and the gladiators beyond it. They always turn into them. Why do I think these guys will be any different? Should have crushed that little seed of hope better. I didn’t realize it was still there. Terrible thing, that.
“See, Rain? This is why I didn’t think we needed to come apologize.” Matesh scoffed, shaking his head at her. “Really? That’s all you have to say? ‘Get over it or get dead?’ Not a single shred of sympathy for your brothers?”
“I’ll say that if you keep making comments like that, this alliance is over.” She wasn’t going to keep a standard Andinna male who would treat her badly, like she was somehow evil. She was a survivor. The best in the pits, considering they were all against her - the Andinna, the Elvasi, the crowds of short-lived people. All of them. She wasn’t going to have an alliance with someone who was against her as well. “And brothers? I’ve never had any, and you two definitely aren’t.”
The words that came out of her were a defense, the only one she had. She wanted brothers. She wanted friends and allies, and those who understood her and cared. But she wouldn’t spend her time with people who hated her. She couldn’t.
Already, she was feeling somewhat put out, pained by the idea of losing these two.
“So no sympathy?” he asked again, softer. She could hear his temper beginning to boil underneath the soft words.
“No other Andinna slave has ever had any for me,” she answered. She did have sympathy for them, but she couldn’t bring herself to lie to them. To make things so easy that they would get killed. In reality, being hard was best for everyone. “And I ran out of patience trying to be sympathetic to them centuries ago. Forgive me, but you are both just more in a long line of Andinna who look at me then sneer or scoff.”
Mave, you don’t know when to shut the fuck up anymore. Why are you pushing them away now? Why are you lying to them?
“I haven’t sneered at you once,” the big male growled. “Not once. All I’m asking is for some fucking feeling in that cold shell of yours. Be a fucking living being. Learn to give a shit.”
I do. I have feelings. I can’t show them. They exist, I promise, Matesh, but I can’t show them. I don’t think I know how anymore.
“Giving a shit gets people killed,” she reminded him.
“Damn the Skies,” he mumbled. He got closer to her and looked down her again then back up. “Well, at least you’re easy on the eyes. I have that to look forward to in this fucking hell.”
That got her. A snarl pulled out of her, unable to be held back. His eyes widened at her. He wanted her body, huh? Of course he did. He wanted her feelings? He could have her rage. This had never been about training together. She was the only female in the pits. Get close to her. Get in her bed. Use her. Then the hate would begin. She’d already fallen for this ploy once before. She couldn’t believe she was so stupid to fall for it again.
“Mat, back up,” Rainev whispered.
“You want to fuck me?” she asked, stepping closer as he stepped back. He wasn’t scared. He fucking should be. “Do you? I’ll give you a try. Come on.” Rainev tried to get in the way and she quickly grabbed his throat and held him from her. “What about you?”
“I’m different,” he gasped.
A hand took her throat now and was much tighter than her hold on the mutt. She’d snapped the big male’s temper. Matesh growled low in his chest. “He doesn’t want you. Let him go.”
That…I get it now. He didn’t look at my body.
She released Rainev and looked at him closely. “You like other males?”
“I do. I’m the last person here you need to worry about. You’re pretty, very much a strong Andinna female but it doesn’t do shit for me. Sorry.”
That changes things a bit. Don’t be sorry, male. I’m fucking glad for it.
“Don’t be,” she said. She tapped the back of the hand on her throat. “And you? Are you just trying to find a cunt to fuck?”
“No. I’m angry at your attitude, but I’m not here to use you. If you hurt Rainev, though, I’ll fucking put you down.” He released her slowly. “My comment was uncalled-for, though, about you being easy on the eyes. I’m sorry.”
My attitude. Yeah. I shouldn’t have said any of that. I need to do better.
“We’re the worst allies in the fucking pits,” Rainev said, chuckling at them.
“No we aren’t,” she corrected him, shaking her head. She wasn’t doing very well, but that was on her, not them. She needed to learn how to be in a group and help her allies understand without hurting them. She never had to before. She just bottled it all up, since it was safer that way. “Others have died in similar situations. You’ll see someone drop by the end of the week, I promise. Also, keep that a secret.”
“What?” they both asked at the same time.
“Rainev’s attraction to other males. They will…focus on you for it. They will want a piece of a male who likes it. Most of them force themselves into it since it’s a give and take. The only sexual thing they can get by their own choice, but a male who wants to be with another male? That could prove enticing. Add in you being a mutt and smaller than the others…You need to be careful. You’re going to look like an easy target.”
“Like a female could prove enticing and needs to be careful,” Matesh said, looking down. “I’m sorry. I am so frustrated about being here that I momentarily forgot that you have been through your own personal hell for so long. You really do know everything. You’ve seen them all change and break. You’ve had to deal with the backlash and fear.”
She frowned at him. She heard the understanding, but that wasn’t what bothered her. She was happy he understood. This was h
ard for her, this idea of bringing people in, no matter how bad she wanted it.
No, what bothered her was his behavior. Again, he was playing submissive. Was he really apologizing like this? It irked her, in a way, this submissive shit. She didn’t want from him, not like this. Not so much of it. “Why are you saying this? I told you that I don’t want you to pretend to respect me or play the bitch.”
“Ah…” Matesh looked confused now and turned to Rainev. “She doesn’t know…anything.”
What don’t I know now?
“No…” Rainev agreed, looking at her in the same confusion. “We’re a temperamental people, you know that.”
“I do.” She was now confused. They were all just looking at each other in confusion.
“Real Andinna understand this and we know that our tempers can drive us to make comments or do things that are inappropriate or that we don’t mean. We built our culture on this idea. Rules for asking forgiveness, gifts to show that one is forgiven or to beg for another chance. Outlets for our tempers so they don’t get in the way of our personal relationships.” The big male crossed his arms. “I wasn’t being submissive per se, but rather asking for forgiveness, as I know my temper was hard and I’ve been in a bad place. Taking it out on you is inexcusable. If I didn’t, my uncle would skin me if he ever found out. Our people don’t lash out and hurt those around us because we can’t control ourselves; it’s not right. We take steps to stop it from happening or we work diligently to clean up the mess if it happens. I lashed out and hurt you, obviously. I need to, as a proper Andinna, make steps to amend it.”
“Add in, we’re not solitary by nature. Andinna, we crave community.” Rain shrugged now. “We’re at odds with ourselves. Temperamental, but needing each other. So we do what we must to stay in our communities.”
She backed away from him and leaned on her wall.
Proper Andinna. He was talking from a place of being raised before the war and free since then. Somewhere out there, her people were not only free but…normal. This was how her people behaved? It was so…good. Civilized.
“We’re not…angry, vicious barbarians?” she asked softly, crossing her own arms to cover her chest. She looked down to the floor. Everything she knew about her people only supported the ideas of barbarism. The pits, the gladiators, everyone’s attitudes and behavior. People killed in vicious swings of temper. And they craved community? She understood that. She was glad to hear that, feeling less strange about her own need to have people. It was an Andinna thing.
We do what we must to stay in our communities. That’s what he said. We shouldn’t lash out and hurt people. I need to do better. I will do better. If I want this to work, I need to do better, not them.
“No…not really. We’re warrior people, no doubt. We can get brutal and bloody on the battlefield, but the idea that we’re mindless, uneducated barbarians is propaganda of the Empire. A reason to keep us down and leave us without allies. No one wants to free the mindless killing machines.” Rainev sighed. “You…were educated by the Elvasi. Of course they would never tell you how we Andinna really are.”
“I spent nearly all of my childhood in the care of the Empress and her servants, being trained to be her handmaiden.”
“Then you were brought here, to a lot of males who have been worn down and beaten. They’re no longer Andinna. Not in any real way.” Matesh said that, glaring to the door. “Fucking terrible examples of our people. Do you remember anything from before you were captured?”
“No,” she lied. She had one or two memories, some words in her home language, but nothing substantial. Nothing that gave her any insight to her people or their way of life. She found herself exhausted by the conversation and looked them over more carefully. They were still dirty, which annoyed her now when it hadn’t earlier. There were bathing areas. They could have bathed before coming here. “Why haven’t you bathed yet?”
“We wanted to wait before going to the communal baths. We didn’t want to be in there with dozens of other males who don’t like us,” Rainev explained quickly. “You know.”
“I do…” She considered that. They were smart to wait, but it meant they would get less sleep and perform worse. “You can use mine. Be quick. It also only fits one person. But you can’t stay the night. Just use the bath. And I have to be here. The guards won’t let you back if I’m not here.”
“Oh!” Rainev smiled at her. “Thank you!”
“Go first, nephew,” Matesh said, waving Rainev on. When she could hear Rainev splashing around, she went to her chest to find clothing. As she dressed, the big male only watched her.
“I’ll be honest,” he said softly. “You are pretty to look at.”
“Compared to what?” she asked, looking over to him as she tied her breeches. She didn’t think she was, but she only ever saw other races’ females. The few Andinna females she had ever seen were old women. None in their prime that she could compare to. Added to that, she was scarred to hell.
He called me pretty, though. Maybe he’s telling the truth. Doubtful. More likely, he’s desperate and hasn’t seen a truly pretty female in a long time.
“Other Andinna women? You have the standard look of our race, but you have those silver-blue eyes. You take care of your body, keep it fit. Scars for our people are…ignorable. We don’t take that sort of thing as a big deal. Warrior people. Everyone who sees the battlefield has a scar or two, male or female.” He sat down on her bed and just kept watching her. “Forgive me the crudeness, but I love that you have large tits. All in all, you’re just pretty.”
She frowned at him again, as she had earlier. “Well, thank you?”
No one had ever really called her pretty and meant it like that. Not as a backhanded compliment, or a way to put her down, make her feel worse, but as a genuine compliment. Say it again. Please?
“I’m saying it because I like women and you should know. Crook your finger and I can’t promise I’ll say no.” He gave her that arrogant smirk. “Did you know the Andinna love sex? It’s true. We do. It eases the temper, brings us closer together. While Rainev only likes males and I only like females, many Andinna are fine with either.”
“Sex is fine,” she agreed, shrugging. “I have it. I understand the other males wanting to have sex by their own choice. I get that. Whoring isn’t satisfying and often ends in beatings. I haven’t had consensual sex, though, in…a century?” She couldn’t remember the exact time. He’d been a post-War born male, only a few hundred years younger than her. An easy farmhand. She’d spent a good night with him.
He died to a bad pairing of being jumped the night before his first day on the sands, where he’d been expected to win, and the fight going wrong in a rare rain. And I was the reason he was jumped.
She still held onto some guilt over that. Not a lot, since he’d already started to hate her, but some. He would have never been in that position if not for her. It had been a moment of weakness on her part. He propositioned and she said yes.
“Skies…” Matesh just watched her. She went to put on her shirt and he stood up, grabbing it from her. She stood there, her chest still exposed while he looked it over. “You need real clothing…”
“That’s what I can get. The Empress won’t give me real Andinna clothing, only those, and the other gladiators don’t teach me how to make real shirts.” She grabbed it back and put it on before he could stop her. “Don’t take my things.”
“I’m trying to understand what you need so that can be what Rainev and I deal with for you. I’m good with a sewing needle when it’s needed; so is he. If you have some cloth, I can make something in an evening for you. A real shirt.”
Her heart thumped hard. He was offering her a gift?
“What do you want in return?” she asked. She wasn’t willing to offer her body in exchange. He was an attractive, if aggravating, male but that wasn’t it. She couldn’t give other males and the Empress a reason to think it was closer than training allies. Gifts, exchanges, thos
e were creeping on dangerous.
But she wanted it so much. She wanted those gifts and exchanges more than she had wanted anything in a long time. And now she had an opportunity.
“More information about being down here and how the sands are.”
She nodded. “Of course.” She was happy he hadn’t asked for her body. Others would have, and then reneged on the deal. She’d learned to just stop accepting those deals.
“I’m done,” Rainev called out. He walked back in, only in the cloth shirt and breeches he probably had been given for their off time. “Go on, Mat. The water is nice. Thank you for this, Mave.”
“It’s nothing,” she mumbled, watching Matesh go inside her bathing room. “Mat? Rain? What…?”
“Nicknames, like Mave to…well, you know. You can use them.” Rainev smiled at her again. He had such a friendly smile, even in the pits. “Seriously, though, thank you for this. I was really worried about bathing in the communal area.”
I bet you’re more than worried, mutt. Small compared to the others, trapped in the crowd, too close to the others while nude for a short moment. I was scared too, the only time I ever tried to use those when others were there.
“I don’t blame you. Things can get nasty in there. Everyone is hot, dirty, tired. When I first arrived, I didn’t bathe until they were all asleep. Then I slept in a tiny room where they couldn’t reach me, but I also couldn’t lie down. It’s hard to find the safest ways to get things done. It’s when I decided I would work as hard as I could to get this room, this privilege. Took two hundred years, but I did it.”
“You’ve thought of everything, haven’t you?” Rain sat on her bed now and she sat next to him, finding him the safest male she’d ever met. Now she knew why he was so easy around her. He didn’t want her, wasn’t a threat.
“I’ve tried,” she confirmed, shrugging.
How else would I still be alive?
They sat in amicable silence as Mat bathed. When he walked out, he looked at them both and she swallowed a lump of want. He’d walked out nude and glorious, dripping with water. His green eyes were lighter from being clean, as if the bath had washed the bad mood and frustration. She could see he also had his own scars, faint white lines like her own, signs of previous injury. By the gods, did he take care of himself. Rainev was lean, but Mat was not. She kept her eyes from dropping to the point of no return, but she could still see it.
The Gladiator's Downfall Page 10
