Fragile Wings

by Rebecca S. Buck

  “Well, thank you for telling me but I’m not sure it’s any of your business,” she began.

  “You needn’t get on your high horse. I’m just being friendly. It’ll take a phenomenal woman to get Jos Singleton to commit to anything, and I don’t think you’re it, sweetheart.”

  Evelyn was angry now, since Suzanne’s words seemed critical of both her and Jos. “I’m sorry but I don’t really know you at all,” she said. “And, as I said, nothing has happened between us so it doesn’t matter anyway, does it?”

  Suzanne was about to respond when, much to Evelyn’s relief, Clara appeared at her side. “Suzie, darling, are you sharing the benefit of your worldly wisdom with Evie?”

  “Something like that,” Suzanne replied.

  “I suspect Evie’s had more wisdom since she came to London than she can keep track of. What say we leave her to make her own way and her own mistakes? It’s what makes us who we are, after all, isn’t it?”

  Suzanne smiled. “I suppose you’re right. And things always turn out like they should in the end. Nice talking with you, Evie.” With that she rose to her feet and went in pursuit of the drink her sister had poured for her.

  “Don’t listen to anything she says about Jos, Evie,” Clara said. “She’s got a terrible crack on for her, has done for years. Jos made the mistake of hinting that something could happen one night, when she was feeling a little low, and since then our dear Suzanne has believed that she is just the woman Jos needs to save her from herself.”

  “Does Jos need saving?” Evelyn asked. She found she trusted Clara’s judgement.

  “Not really. She’s got some demons, but haven’t we all? She needs accepting, not saving. Do you think you can do that?” Clara levelled her gaze at Evelyn.

  Evelyn was briefly taken aback, but she knew the answer at once. “Of course I can. I wouldn’t want to change her. I think she’s wonderful just how she is.”

  “I won’t lie, Evie. She’s been with quite a lot of women and never settled for one. She’s been known to leave a lady’s bed before dawn, which isn’t the done thing at all. But she’s a good woman and I think I can say for sure that she won’t do that to you.”

  Evelyn flushed at the idea of discussing sharing a bed with Jos. Clara seemed to notice, but went on regardless. “And you’re going to have to make the first move. That’s what I came over here to tell you. She’s terrified of pushing you too far or too fast. So if you want her, Evie, do something about it.”

  “How do I know for sure if I want her?” Evelyn asked, her heart in her mouth.

  Clara smiled. “Oh, you want her, my dear. But in case you don’t believe me…Does your heart beat faster when you think of her? Do your palms prickle with sweat and the urge to touch her? Could you look at her for hours and never get bored? Do you feel a deep urge at the meeting of your thighs when you imagine putting your lips on hers? Can you almost taste that kiss already?” Her words were spoken in a husky whisper and, watching her, Evelyn could see that Clara was looking at Courtney when she spoke, describing her own feelings. And yet indecent though it probably was to agree to it, she heard her own feelings described and could not help her response.

  “Oh yes. That’s it, I do. I want her.” She heard the words and knew she would not take them back.

  “You can have her tonight, Evie, and she won’t leave you in the morning. I’ve known her long enough to be certain. But she won’t risk doing anything else until she’s sure. You need to make her sure.”

  “How?” Evelyn asked. “How do I convince her?”

  “When the moment comes, you’ll know,” Clara said. Evelyn felt her hand squeeze her shoulder in reassurance.

  “Thank you,” she said.

  “I’ll get jealous if you two spend any longer talking to each other,” interupted Courtney, coming to stand next to Clara.

  “No you won’t, my love, you’ll just worry you’re missing out on some gossip.” Clara stroked Courtney’s face affectionately. “And you’re not.”

  “Hmm, well, even if I am, I always find out. You can’t keep secrets.”

  “It’s very true, I admit.” Clara held her hands up. “Don’t ever tell me anything you don’t want Courtney to know, Evie. She tortures it out of me.”

  “I do nothing of the sort.”

  “It’s cruel and unusual,” Clara insisted, still directing her words to Evie.

  “I’ll show you cruel and unusual, dearest.”

  “Oh, promises, promises.” Clara raised a seductive eyebrow, then grinned. “Shall I fetch us all another drink?”

  As she went to do just that, Jos returned to Evelyn’s side. “Sorry,” she said, “I didn’t mean to leave you alone.”

  “Evie’s been fine, Clara and I have been looking after her,” Courtney said.

  “That’s what concerns me,” Jos replied. Evelyn smiled her reassurance.

  “Really, I’ve been perfectly all right,” she said, although Jos’s concern for her was endearing. Clara’s words were full in her thoughts now. As Jos smiled back at her, she knew she wanted her and she knew she would have to act. Now she only wondered when she would know it was the right time.

  *

  To Jos’s mind, Evelyn looked more beautiful than ever, even though the signs of tiredness were beginning to show around her eyes. She was relaxed and comfortable, the effects of the gin bringing the colour to her cheeks. Although this was far from her home and far from the comfort of her family, she had a sense of seeing Evelyn as she truly was, of glimpsing something of her essence. In many ways it was remarkable how comfortable she was, here amongst strangers. Not just strangers—she could not deny it, Evelyn was oddly comfortable considering she was in a room full of lesbians and had just declared her own fascination for Jos. What Jos couldn’t decide was if that was a good sign or not.

  Was Evelyn so comfortable because she’d finally found a group of people she felt at one with, a gathering where she was able to be herself? Or was it that she felt so at ease because she did not feel the same tension, the same anticipation, as Jos did, was not feeling that her own situation was at all relevent to the other women in the room? How would she know?

  There was something in Evelyn’s expression that spoke of knowing rather than innocence, that told she was expecting something to happen. But Jos was frightened. She did not want to experience rejection but nor did she want to find herself in too deep. Her feelings for Evelyn were strong and she was uncertain where that could lead. That was not the case in most of her relationships. And Evelyn, who had surely expected her life to lead to marriage, would expect a reliable and trustworthy lover, someone to protect her. Jos was not sure she could fulfil that role if it was demanded of her. And yet, there was something so compelling about Evelyn, she thought she might be able to try.

  The guests at the party began to leave after the clock on the mantel struck midnight. Evelyn and Jos drained the last of their drinks and continued in conversation with Clara and Courtney, until they were the only four left in the room. Evelyn was very content to listen to the stories other people wanted to tell her, Jos noticed, absorbing the information, clearly imagining worlds beyond her own. Now Clara and Courtney were telling her of their school days. Jos had already learnt the sadness Evelyn carried over the end of her own education. Now she was listening, intrigued, as Clara talked about the prefect system at their rather exclusive school.

  Jos herself had left school at sixteen. She’d been passably academic but far too interested in learning about the world around her to stay into the upper forms. It always seemed a little odd to her to see young ladies of seventeen and eighteen still wearing a school uniform, running around playing hockey and calling their mistresses ma’am. But then Jos had always been told she was mature before her time. She’d never really considered it a failing. Yet seeing Evelyn’s longing for the education she’d been forced to leave made her dwell on it for a moment.

  The clock chimed half-past midnight. Jos was suddenly filled
with a new anxiety. How did this night end? That moment was rapidly approaching.

  “Good heavens! I know half-past twelve is hardly the latest we’ve all been awake, but I am beginning to consider my beauty sleep,” Courtney announced.

  “Actually, I’m a little sleepy too,” Evelyn said. “And I still have to work out how to get back to the Graingers’ house from here. Lucky I brought the spare key they gave me.”

  “I’m quite sure Jos will be the gentleman and make sure you get home safely,” Clara prompted.

  “Of course I will,” Jos said, horrified that Evelyn might have thought otherwise. What Jos was really thinking was that she did not want to take Evelyn back to Lilian. She wanted to keep her by her side.

  “Then perhaps it’s time to call this little soiree to a close. Until next time. Are you doing anything for Christmas and New Year?”

  “Gosh, it’s Christmas soon isn’t it?” Evelyn exclaimed. “I’d almost entirely forgotten.”

  Jos watched Evelyn’s face and knew she was thinking of home. Christmas was a time of home and family after all. “It’s next week,” she said gently. “And no, Courtney, no special plans. Christmas will be quiet, I suppose, and I imagine I’ll end up at the Orchid for New Year. It’s always a good party there.”

  “I’ll be there,” Evelyn interjected. “Lilian is singing, so I said I would definitely be there. She has a new dress.”

  “I’m sure it’ll be delightful,” Clara said, with a small smirk. Jos saw Evelyn’s discomforted reaction. She had to remember that Evelyn had been dependent on Lilian’s kindness until now and that evinced a certain loyalty, even if she didn’t have a lot of time for the woman herself. Clara continued, “I think we’ll be there too. Especially if we’re certain some of our friends will be there.”

  “I’ll look forward to seeing you again,” Jos said. She rose to her feet and placed her empty glass on the small table to the side. “So, we’ll say goodnight for now.” She leaned in to embrace Clara, followed by Courtney.

  As Courtney’s powdered face brushed past her ear, Courtney whispered, “Kiss her,” just loud enough for Jos to hear but no one else.

  When they parted, Jos looked at her dubiously, doubting she’d heard the words. But Courtney’s expression was the giveaway. She had an imperative look about her that would take no arguments.

  Evelyn had also embraced both Clara and Courtney, so they took their coats and hats from the hooks close to the door and descended the stairs, calling their goodbyes as they went. Moments later, from the immaculate, understated glamour and warmth of Clara and Courtney’s flat they were in the cold of a late-December night. Under the lamplight, the street was full of long shadows and above them twinkled a host of stars in the strip of night sky they could see between the tall buildings. The clear skies promised frost in the morning.

  Their breath came in plumes of vapour and Evelyn shivered slightly. Jos hesistated. Either they would begin to walk towards Hays Mews and the Graingers’ house, or now was the time to do something. Evelyn was looking at her, expectantly. She felt full of confusion, of wanting to do the right thing by Evelyn, by her own feelings, of wondering whether to heed Courtney’s advice or whether to show more patience.

  In the end, her courage failed her. She looked into Evelyn’s eyes for a long moment, then turned towards Hays Mews. “Come on then, it’s this way to the Graingers’ place. We’ll be there in a few minutes. We shouldn’t get too cold if we walk quickly enough.”

  She set off along the street, her heart crushed with disappointment but no one to blame but herself. Then she felt Evelyn’s hand on her arm, pulling her back. She turned to find Evelyn looking intently into her eyes. Evelyn’s hands were still clutching her sleeves and now her upper arms, pulling her closer, not letting her leave. She could see Evelyn’s desire, her need. The cold disappointment burnt away in a flare of hot urgency and suddenly consequences were unimportant. She took Evelyn’s face in her hands, noticing the cool smoothness of her skin, and pulled her closer. There was no fear in Evelyn’s eyes. The desire was mutual. Jos pressed closer, feeling Evelyn’s clothing rub against her own, Evelyn’s breath on her face.

  Their lips met, hot and dry against the cold of the night. Jos pulled back, the electric shock of the kiss almost too much. “Evelyn, I don’t know…” She began to try to articulate in a whisper.

  She was silenced by Evelyn pressing her lips back against her mouth. Jos wrapped her hand around the back of Evelyn’s neck, let her fingers slide into her soft hair. Evelyn moved her hands from Jos’s arms to her back as the kiss deepened, growing in passion. A small moan escaped Evelyn’s throat, an expression of something raw and previously unexpressed, and it spurred Jos on with further confidence. She pulled Evelyn tighter into her body.

  In the shadows of the street lights, sounds of the night-time city drifting past on the cold winter breeze, Jos felt as though something long dead had rekindled inside her as Evelyn kissed her with a passion that spoke of a real hunger.

  Jos eventually pulled back. “Evie, don’t go back to the Graingers’ house tonight. Come to my apartment. It’s not far from here.”

  She hoped Evelyn knew what she was asking. Somehow, she seemed to. Her nodded agreement was enthusiastic and wordless. Evelyn’s eyes were shining, her breath coming quickly now, as Jos took her hand and led her through the city to her refuge.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jos’s first floor flat was on Dover Street, above a jewellery shop. They walked quickly and silently, the connection of their joined hands enough to maintain the heat between them. Evelyn dared not speak, lest the spell be broken.

  She was full of nerves and worry about what was about to occur but could not force herself to change the course of the night. Her desire was too strong, as was her curiosity. This was what she wanted above all else in this moment. To be with Jos, in every way that she could be with her, even though some of those ways were a mystery to her. She wanted the mystery to unravel in Jos’s hands.

  The doorway at the side of the shop was narrow, as was the staircase leading to the flat above. Jos clearly did not spend as much money on her accommodation as Clara and Courtney or the Graingers. Insomuch as she could spare room in her mind to consider this, Evelyn decided it was something else in Jos’s favour. Her home was comfortable and it suited her.

  The stairs opened into a sitting room, with a settee, two armchairs, and a writing desk in the corner. Jos led Evelyn into the centre of the room, switching on a lamp on a small table by the settee. The room was bathed in yellow light, warm and soft. There was no fire in the hearth and the room was chilly, but compared to the outside it was comfortable. Evelyn took off her coat and Jos laid it aside in one of the chairs, adding her own jacket to it.

  Evelyn, breathing hard and very aware of the pounding of her heart, stood in the centre of the room watching Jos. Jos was looking back at her, as if deciding what she should do. There was a certain tension in Jos’s shoulders and Evelyn wondered what she was thinking. This would be much easier, she thought, if each knew what the other was thinking.

  Jos approached her slowly, as if frightened she might attempt an escape. But Evelyn was going nowhere. She stood perfectly still as Jos came closer, then reached for Jos’s warm hands, pulling her closer still. Encouraged, Jos leaned in and kissed her again. Evelyn felt the power of the kiss through the whole of her body. Even her fingers and toes seemed to tingle as Jos’s lips moved against hers. Now she knew how a kiss was supposed to feel, everything felt clear, and she felt a flood of relief that she was here, now, with Jos.

  Jos’s hands were caressing her back, from her hips to her hairline. Evelyn revelled in the touch, moving with Jos, crushing herself closer to her. All she could feel was the deepest longing she’d ever experienced, the most painful hunger. Only Jos could satisfy it.

  Jos stopped kissing her and took half a step back. Her eyes were glassy, her breath coming hard. “Evie, are you sure about this?”

  “Don’
t I seem sure?” she replied, breathless herself.

  “I would never do anything to hurt you. Tell me if this isn’t what you want.” Jos’s plea was clearly from her heart.

  “Jos, this is what I want. More than anything.” She looked deeply into Jos’s eyes and left her in no doubt. A low sound of desire came from Jos’s throat as she pressed her mouth back against Evelyn’s in a deep, passionate kiss.

  This time Evelyn pulled back. “Are you sure this is what you want?” she asked, suddenly anxious.

  “Oh God, Evie, yes.” Jos tried to kiss her again. Evelyn did not doubt her desire.

  “You have to know though”—Evelyn was quite embarrassed now—“I’ve never…I mean, I don’t know what to do.” She looked down, only to find Jos’s fingers under her chin raising her face again.

  “Evie, there’s not a certain formula. I want to be with you. It doesn’t matter what we do. You do what you feel.” Jos paused, then grinned, a gesture that released the tension between them. “Although there are a few tricks I can demonstrate…”

  Evelyn laughed with her, intrigued, almost unable to believe this was happening to her, that she could be so fortunate as to be here, with Jos.

  “Can I take you to my bed now, Evie?” Jos asked. She was still holding Evelyn, who felt another surge of heat on hearing that question.

  “Yes,” she whispered. Jos took her hand and led her to a door on the far side of the sitting room. She opened it and turned on a lamp inside the door, to reveal a large bedstead with a brass frame, draped in a pale green bedspread. The room was fairly plain, with dark wood furniture and rugs covering the floorboards. Jos closed the bedroom door behind them and Evelyn felt perfectly safe in the small, intimate room with Jos.

  Unsure what to do, Evelyn stood just inside the door. Jos came to stand behind her and reached up, massaging her shoulders gently. Evelyn relaxed at her touch. Then she felt Jos’s lips on the soft skin at the back of her neck and her knees felt weak. Jos unfastened the button that secured the top of Evelyn’s dress, at the back of the collar, and moved her kisses into the small triangle of exposed skin. Evelyn gasped at the intimacy of the touch, as Jos’s hands came up to her hips, stroking the curve of her waist.