The Cowboy's Choice

by Janalyn Knight

  He raised his brows. "Really?"

  Nodding, her hand shook as she cut another bite of egg.

  "Lara, I'm glad I never married. I'm happy I don't have children. You're the only one I want a baby with," he said firmly.

  Her hand stilled, her fork half-way to her mouth. Eyes downcast, she nodded again.

  He reached across the dining room table, needing to be closer to her for his question. "Lara, why didn't you marry—have children of your own?"

  She put her fork down, her hands diving to her lap. Without looking at him, she said, "I made a terrible mistake."

  As the story of her relationship with Chris Kingsley unfolded word by hateful word, anger roiled in his chest. When she told him about the rape, he stood so fast that his chair fell backwards, his hands balled into fists. Rushing to her side, he crouched down and pulled her into his arms. "Oh, babe, no, no." Through clenched teeth, he said, "I'll kill him. I'll find him and kill him."

  She shook her head. "No, he went to jail, and I want nothing to do with him. Let it be." Pulling back, she took her napkin and blew her nose. "That's why I volunteer at the rape crisis center. I've come through it, and I want to help other women survive." Meeting his gaze, she continued. "What I didn't do, was learn to trust my intuition about men again after what Kingsley did to me. I never had the courage to trust a man, much less date. My career became my life until I moved back here."

  He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, and clasped her arm. "You won't need to worry about that anymore. You can trust me." He stared into her eyes, willing her to believe him. She nodded, and he let her go, returning to his chair. Stabbing his omelet with his fork he said, "I was a selfish fucking bastard, and I only hope, Lara, that someday you'll find a way to forgive me."

  Sighing, she said. "I forgave you when I saw you again and realized what a wonderful person you've become, and what an amazing doctor you are. I knew then that my decision allowed you to grow into the best man you could possibly be. How could I regret that?"

  He clenched his fork. "If I could go back, I would do everything differently. I never would have gone to Boston. I'd have gone with you to California and stayed by your side for everything that happened. We'd have found a way to make things work, and we'd have been together these past thirteen years."

  She picked up her plate with her nearly untouched omelet and headed to the kitchen. "We have now, Adam. We'll make it enough."

  When she walked back in, she took his face in her hands and kissed him softly. "Thank you for loving me and for saying you would have come back. I love you so, so much, Adam Govain." She kissed him again, and the trust in her eyes was a precious gift, one he didn't deserve, but one he would strive every day for the rest of his life to earn.

  LARA WAITED OUTSIDE the Govain ranch front door, her pulse racing. Even Adam's arm around her shoulders didn't ease her nervousness. The last time she'd been inside this house, she was an innocent young girl with her whole life ahead of her. She'd had no idea of the heartbreak that would soon rain down on her head.

  Caleb answered the door, a wide grin on his face. "Hey, you two, come on in." He reached for Lara's hand as he stepped back to allow them to enter the house. "It's wonderful to see you again. How are you all holding up?"

  Feeling more comfortable after Caleb's warm welcome, she said, "I'm okay. Mom's still struggling, of course, but she's doing a little better."

  "I'm glad." He squeezed her hand then turned his attention to his brother, slapping him on the back. "About time you brought a woman around. I was beginning to wonder if you'd turned into a monk."

  Adam laughed. "Not a chance."

  Caleb said, "Lara, Mom and Dad aren't here tonight. They're in Las Vegas. They'll be sorry they missed you."

  She smiled. "I was looking forward to seeing them, too. Please tell them I said hi."

  "Okay, but you need to come out again soon and tell them yourself."

  As they entered the family room, Eve came toward them. "Welcome, it's so nice to see you. I want to say again how sorry I am about your dad." After giving Lara a hug, she turned to Adam. "Glad you could come. We missed you at dinner last week."

  Lara didn't remember Eve from the funeral, though how she'd forgotten such a stunningly beautiful woman was hard to imagine. And Caleb—he'd grown into a tall, perfectly-honed example of a handsome cowboy. They made a striking couple.

  Eve picked up the baby from the blanket on the floor where she played. "This is our daughter, Abi."

  Lara smiled and reached for the baby's hand, bending to catch her gaze. "I remember this precious girl."

  Abi clutched Lara's fingers and gazed into her eyes, making little sounds with her tiny pink lips.

  Lara's heart clenched. She could have had a daughter like this, if only ... no, she wouldn't go there. Not now. She let go of Abi's fingers. "Well, this room still looks the same. It definitely says ranch house with the longhorns and leather furniture. I always loved it."

  Eve's smile was warm and welcoming. "It's my favorite room in the house, too. Would you like a glass of wine or iced tea?"

  More at home, Lara answered, "Wine would be wonderful."

  "Is chardonnay okay?"

  Lara nodded, holding out her arms and hoping the baby would come to her.

  With a grateful smile, Eve said, "She's heavy," and handed her over.

  Abi came willingly, reaching for Lara's dangling black earrings which matched her blouse. Lara kissed the baby's cheek and snuggled her close.

  Adam caught her gaze and smiled, understanding in his eyes. He knew how this baby pulled at Lara’s need.

  She bit her lip and bent to Abi again. "Let's find you something to play with, sweet thing." Taking her to her blanket, she set her on the floor and kneeled down beside her, handing her a toy.

  Adam sat near them on the couch, tucking a wayward lock of hair behind Lara's shoulder. "You're beautiful tonight."

  She turned to him and love and adoration glowed in his gaze. "Thank you. I'm glad we're here."

  He squeezed her hand as Eve came back in and handed Lara her glass of wine, asking, "Is she being good for you?"

  Lara ruffled the baby's soft little blonde curls. "She's a darling. You're lucky she's such a good baby."

  Eve laughed. "Oh, she has her moments. But, you're right. She's an easy keeper, as her dad puts it."

  Annie came in to tell them the food was ready, and Eve gathered Abi into her arms.

  Lara suddenly felt empty—a bit of light going out inside her. Climbing to her feet, she followed the others to the dining room.

  Over dinner, her eyes strayed to Abi with every sound the baby made. Lara watched each bite as Eve slid food into the baby's mouth and as the little one ate her finger food. Having revealed the story of her loss to Adam, her need was exposed as well.

  Adam must have noticed her fixation. He slipped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her temple, whispering, "I love you. I'll never leave you."

  She leaned into him, glad of the warm contact, yet unable to take her eyes from Abi. Their baby would have been dark headed and dark eyed like Adam. But she would have been just as beautiful as little Abi. Lara's heart twisted. Their daughter would be a teenager by now. Gorgeous and probably tall like her father. Lara closed her eyes against the pain, and sucked in a breath. This was no good. She took a bite of the wonderful chicken breast Annie had cooked.

  After dinner, Eve took her daughter from her booster chair. "I need to get this little darling into her bath. Will you excuse me?"

  "I'd be glad to help," Lara offered, imagining the tiny girl playing in the tub.

  Eve smiled. "Oh, would you? Two people make bath time so much easier. Follow me."

  Lara held the squirming Abi, who heard her bath running, while Eve pulled out pajamas, a tiny towel and baby toiletries.

  Eve said, "You can set her here on the bed and undress her, if you don't mind."

  Her fingers unsteady, Lara took off the little dress Abi wore and th
en removed her diaper. Picking her up, she walked in to join Eve in the bathroom.

  "Go ahead and put her in the tub. I usually sit on the edge and let her play with her toys for a little while."

  Abi reached for the water as Lara set her down on her bottom, making happy baby sounds and splashing loudly with her hands. She looked into Lara's eyes and laughed, splashing so hard that water wet Lara's blouse.

  A tide of joy raced through Lara and she thought of Adam. Someday, maybe she'd play with her own baby in the tub. She picked up a plastic cup from the side of the bathtub and poured warm water over Abi's back.

  Abi cooed and put a little boat in her mouth.

  Eve said, "You've figured out what she likes. She loves it when I pour her warm bath water on her. Unless I'm washing her hair. She hates that with a passion."

  A few minutes later, Eve asked to change places. "I'll wash her now so we can get back to those two men. Who knows what they're getting up to?"

  Lara laughed and moved over to stand by the vanity while Eve quickly bathed her daughter and gathered her into the towel Lara handed her.

  With the baby clean and dressed in her pajamas, they headed back to the family room.

  Caleb and Adam sat with drinks in their hands, visiting quietly.

  Lara joined Adam on the couch and he slid his arm around her shoulders. "How was bath time?"

  "Glorious. Abi's such a happy baby, though I think I should have worn an apron." She pointed to the water on her blouse. "That little girl takes after her daddy. She's pretty rowdy."

  Caleb laughed.

  Eve brought Abi to her dad. "Give Daddy kisses goodnight, sweetheart."

  He picked up his daughter and snuggled her, then kissed her neck, making her giggle. "Goodnight, sweet girl, Daddy loves you." He handed her back to Eve.

  She took the baby over to Adam and Lara for kisses before carrying Abi to bed. A part of Lara's heart went with her.

  When the time came to leave, Lara gave Adam's sister-in-law a hug. "I'm glad we got to spend some time with each other tonight, Eve. I hope we can be friends."

  Eve smiled. "We already are. Let's get together soon for some girl time. I know your schedule must be busy, and I travel, but we can make it work."

  When Adam brought Lara back to her house, she could tell he was disappointed when she said, "Do you mind if we call it an early night? I'm sorry, but I really ... I just need some time to myself tonight."

  He pulled her into a gentle hug. "I understand. I'll call you tomorrow."

  She leaned back and drew his face down for a soft, lingering kiss. "I love you, Adam."

  He smiled and kissed her forehead. “I love you, too, sweetheart."

  Locking the door behind him, her sense of aloneness returned. She needed to face the roiling emotions that Abi had brought into the light. Heading back to the bedroom, Lara shed her clothes and crawled naked into bed. Talking about her lost baby had been hard, but holding the little blonde-haired Abi and bathing her, had affected Lara on a visceral level—made her loss palpable in a way that speaking about it hadn't. The pain of losing her daughter hadn't been this bad in years.

  Though Adam would have gladly held her in his arms as she worked her way through her heartache, a part of her wasn't yet ready to completely bare her grief. Pulling a pillow against her belly, she closed her eyes, giving in to her sorrow. She had no tears to pay homage to it, only a soul-deep pain. Yes, someday she may have another child, but this, her first baby, had been relegated to the dark recesses of her mind for far too long. Her little girl hadn't been well mourned. Lara had forced her daughter and her memory into oblivion years ago. It was time to rectify that.

  Chapter Nine

  EARLY THE NEXT MORNING, after a night of little sleep, Lara left a message for her assistant that she shouldn't expect Lara in at all. Carrying a plastic shoebox, she made her coffee strong and settled in the soft, overstuffed chair in the living room, her feet tucked under her. Covering her legs with a bright lap quilt her mother had made when Lara went away to college, she sipped the hot liquid, feeling it slide down her raw throat and hit her belly like a brand.

  In the end, her mourning had found tears of release last night. At her lowest, deep, gut-wrenching sobs had nearly torn her in two. An abiding sadness still blanketed her.

  She opened the shoe box which was stuffed tight with pictures. Her roommate in college that first year had taken a photography class and Lara had been one of her favorite subjects. Picking through the photos, she found one of herself sitting on a bench without a care in the world. Her heart ached for the innocent happiness in that young Lara's eyes. She kept looking and finally found the picture she sought. She stood smiling, four months pregnant, in front of a beautiful green topiary on campus, her hand caressing her belly bump.

  She peered at it. Her fingers tightened on the photo, wetness pooling in her eyes. This was the last taken of her child. She drew the picture to her lips, then placed it on the side table, picking through the photos again. Sifting through more and more pictures, she couldn't find it. Dumping the box upside down on the floor, she got on her hands and knees, turning each photo over and looking at it.

  Finally, she found it. Heaving a sigh, she clasped her baby's picture—the sonogram that had shown her that she was having a little girl. Her hand trembled as she brought it in for a closer look. Though she knew it was pointless with the upcoming adoption, she had named her baby Ellie, short for Elizabeth. Ellie's ribs showed clearly in the picture and she had a perky little nose. Lara traced her finger over her baby, imagining her soft skin and smelling her sweet baby scent. With a kiss, she set the photo next to the other on the table and gathered the rest, putting them back in the box.

  Later, after the stores opened, she went into town and bought a baby photo frame that would accommodate both pictures. It was pink and white and made for a baby girl. Lara spent the next half hour at home framing them.

  When she finished, she made another cup of coffee and set the frame beside her chair. Sitting covered with her quilt, sipping her coffee and holding her baby girl's photos in her hand, she was overcome with a sense of completion, of rightness. Ellie had existed, she'd deserved to be acknowledged, and now she was.

  ADAM STRODE TO THE kitchen and opened the fridge, not really hungry, but restless. Nothing appealed to him, and he closed the door. He needed to see Lara. Seeing little Abi last night had obviously upset Lara. He had wanted to comfort her. Instead, she shut him out, sending him home. When would she start turning to him for solace? He was here for her now—she wasn't alone.

  He had today and tomorrow off. Maybe he could work something out. He texted:

  What are you doing right now?

  Her answer came right back:

  I'm home. I took the day off.

  Perfect! Now if he could entice her further.

  That's great! I want you to be a very bad girl and take tomorrow off, too. Seriously, you know you haven't taken off like you should have in years. Make time now. Let's go camping this afternoon. We can hike and cook out like old times. I have a tent—the whole works. We'll come back tomorrow evening. Please, please say yes.

  She wrote back:

  Two days off in a row is not a good idea.

  He typed:

  Do you have court tomorrow?

  He waited and at last she replied:

  Let me call my assistant and find out what's up.

  He laughed. Yes!

  Awesome. I'll be right here waiting.

  A few minutes later she wrote:

  I'm terrible. I put off one client two days in a row and Beverly rescheduled several others. But, I'm free tomorrow.

  He shoved his fist at the ceiling.

  I'll pick you up in a couple of hours and bring everything we need. Be ready, girl.

  He bounced to his feet and headed to the grocery store. After buying enough to eat for two days, he packed an ice chest with the food and another with the beer and wine he'd purchased and put them in
the truck. Then he grabbed the camping gear from the garage and loaded it, too. From the back-yard stack, he gathered enough firewood and kindling for two fires and dumped that in the back of the truck as well. Finally, he packed his bag and drove over to Lara's house.

  One thing about her hadn't changed. She was ready to walk out the door when he arrived. Besides her backpack, she had two bottles of wine and an opener in a bag. "I didn't know if you'd think of this."

  He grinned. "Nice," and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her with a smack. "We're going to have a blast."

  "When did you go camping last?"

  "It's been a while. Gerry, a friend of mine, came to visit a couple of years ago, and we hiked the Skyline Drive Trail one day. He's not in very good shape so that was enough for him." He grinned. "You're much better company. He snored."

  She laughed and picked up her bags, following him out the door.

  Adam had made a reservation at the Davis Mountains State Park campground so an hour later, they were setting up their tent in a campsite that actually had some shade. Now that school was back in session, they had a great choice of sites.

  He unzipped a sleeping bag and laid it on the floor of the tent, then spread two blankets on top, adding pillows to complete the bed. Wiggling his brows, he asked, "Bring back any memories?"

  She cracked up. "Are we hiking today or just relaxing?"

  "What do you feel like doing?"

  She stared up at the mountain range. "I didn't get much sleep last night. How about we hang out this evening and hike tomorrow?"

  It was nearing three already. "I like it. Let me put the chairs in the shade of that oak tree, and we'll kick back. Would you like some of the wine you brought?"

  "Oh, yeah."

  He set the chairs side-by-side, arms touching so he could hold her hand, and then opened one of the bottles he had chilling in the ice chest. Though it was fall, it was in the low eighties today, and the chilled wine would taste good. He twisted the cap off his beer and sat down beside Lara, handing her a glass of wine. "Relax and enjoy, my love."