Sorrow and Second Chances

by E Bradshaw

  “I sent a message to Netherfield Hall this morning so that Mr Bingley would know where you are, in case you were missed,” Elizabeth added, and again Darcy thanked her.

  Their conversation continued in this stilted way for some minutes, and Darcy was therefore very relieved when Mr Bennet joined them at the table soon afterwards, for his presence gave him a much safer focus than Elizabeth. Nevertheless, he could not help but glance at her repeatedly throughout their meal, though he realised that he was not being entirely subtle about it when Kitty and Lydia began to giggle together. He swiftly returned his eyes to his plate, though not before he had noticed Elizabeth’s deep blush and Mr Bennet’s keen interest. Jane quietly reprimanded her youngest sisters for their poor manners, and though Mr Bennet said nothing and merely raised a speculating eyebrow, it was clear that he had taken note of the exchange.

  Feeling embarrassed about revealing himself so transparently, Darcy quickly looked away from the older gentleman and found himself glancing instead towards the empty chair at the other end of the table, which somehow seemed all the emptier now that Mrs Bennet no longer occupied it. He found himself reflecting all over again how tragic it was that Mrs Bennet’s daughters would now have to manage through life without her; they would enter into their future marriages and leave their childhood home without her guidance and support, and they would one day provide her with grandchildren whom she would never meet. Whatever faults the good lady had had, Darcy knew above all else that she had been a very affectionate mother. Though there were undoubtedly times when her loud enthusiasm had hampered her daughters’ chances of finding eligible matches (as he knew all too well, to his chagrin), Darcy now recognised that Mrs Bennet had only ever had her daughters’ best interests at heart. He only wished that she were still alive and with her family now – and he grimaced sadly to himself as he reflected how much easier Mrs Bennet might have made the task for him in trying to win Elizabeth’s hand if she had been there to witness his struggles.

  Mr Bennet was quiet and appeared somewhat pensive throughout the rest of the meal, and thus Darcy guessed that something was troubling him. Indeed, when they had finally finished dining and Darcy stood up to take his leave from the family, the older gentleman surprised him by declaring a wish to accompany him. “I shall ride with you for part of the way, if you don’t mind, Mr Darcy,” he said. “There is some pasture land to the east of my estate that I wish to inspect, and Netherfield is on my way there.”

  Darcy merely nodded politely, though he was not at all fooled by Mr Bennet’s explanation. He knew all too well that the shrewd older man had been adding up pieces of evidence whilst he had sat brooding at the table, and that he must therefore have deduced at least some part of the truth in regard to his feelings for Elizabeth.

  Thus, Darcy braced himself for what he was sure would be a very uncomfortable conversation – and indeed, Mr Bennet was true to his usual style and came straight to the point as soon as they had mounted their horses and had ridden out of earshot of the grounds.

  “I have never been very good at interpreting the giggling and teasing looks between my daughters,” he began; “that was always my wife’s area of expertise. But I would have to be a simpleton indeed not to have noticed the long looks that you were sending towards my Lizzy this morning – and moreover, I would have to be blind not to have seen the way that you stared at her last night,” he stated without preamble. “I know that you are an honest man, Mr Darcy, and after all the kindness you have shown me, I feel I owe you the chance to tell me the truth. Is there something that you should be telling me? Has something occurred between the two of you? Was I a fool to send you upstairs alone with my daughter last night?”

  At these words, Darcy immediately looked up, feeling utterly shocked. “No, sir!” he exclaimed heatedly. “What is it that you imagine? I assure you that I respect your daughter a great deal and she has always behaved with the utmost –”

  “Relax!” interrupted Mr Bennet with a short, mirthless laugh; “I know very well that I can trust your honour and I have never once had to worry about Elizabeth’s conduct. Please forgive me for being so blunt, but I wanted to see how you might react. Your outrage gave me all the reassurance I needed; I know you are far too honest to try and hide the truth from me. But my question has merit all the same and I believe I have the right to ask it, seeing as Elizabeth is my daughter, and especially considering the fact that she looked so embarrassed this morning.”

  Darcy grimaced and looked off into the distance, feeling extremely reluctant to discuss anything of his turbulent history with Elizabeth. Nonetheless, he grudgingly conceded that Mr Bennet was justified in stating that he had a right to ask for the truth. “What is it you wish to know, sir?” he asked stiffly.

  He heard Mr Bennet sigh heavily as if to convey his frustration. “I know this must be uncomfortable for you,” he responded in a gentler tone, “but I want to know what is going on between you and my daughter. When you first arrived back in Hertfordshire, you said that you and Bingley planned to be here for a week. Yet it has been almost two – and yet you have still made no mention of departing.”

  Darcy glanced down at his reins, feeling acutely uncomfortable about meeting Mr Bennet’s all too astute gaze. “If we have outstayed our welcome here and you wish for me to depart, then you only need to say so, Mr Bennet,” he replied stubbornly. He knew he was being defensive, but he simply couldn’t help it. The subject of Elizabeth had been an acutely painful one for him ever since she had rejected him, and he dreaded having to reveal the truth to anyone – and especially to her father. He knew that the retelling would hardly paint him in a good light; he had come to like and respect Mr Bennet in the days since he had returned to Hertfordshire, and he hated to think of disappointing the older man and losing his friendship.

  However, Mr Bennet surprised him by suddenly reaching across the space between them to briefly grip his arm. “That is not what I meant, Fitzwilliam, and you know it,” he replied in a heartfelt manner.

  Darcy looked across at the older man, feeling immensely startled by the contact, but more so by the use of his first name. None of his friends ever called him by his first name, preferring always to address him as Darcy, but the way in which Mr Bennet had used his Christian name reminded him suddenly of his own long departed father, and he found himself feeling strangely emotional over it.

  “Your support has meant a great deal to me during these awful days,” continued Mr Bennet in a sincere tone, “and I would not have you think that I am not grateful. I have also seen how you have shown immense kindness to my daughters, and I know from what they have said of you that they have all gained a much better impression of you than they did when you last visited Hertfordshire. Of course, my Jane is always kindly disposed towards everyone,” he continued with a smile, “and so she never says a bad word about anybody, but my Lizzy is usually more vocal in her opinions when she likes or detests a person. Yet it was only this morning that it finally occurred to me that she has said very little whenever her sisters have discussed you; in fact, I have only just come to recognise that any discussion about you always seems to render her extremely silent and uncomfortable.”

  Mr Bennet gave Darcy a shrewd look as the younger man shifted uncomfortably in his saddle. “Just as you are extremely silent and uncomfortable right now,” he added pointedly.

  “I cannot guess at your daughter’s opinions of me,” replied Darcy at last. “I only wish I could,” he added in a somewhat gloomy tone.

  “And yet I can easily deduce that you have feelings for my daughter,” responded Mr Bennet forthrightly. “I think it is why you remain in Hertfordshire, and I think it is why the two of you look always so ill at ease whenever you are obliged to be anywhere near one another.”

  Darcy said nothing in response and after a long pause Mr Bennet finally lost all patience. “There seems to be more to this story than either of you are revealing,” he surmised impatiently. “I can’t understand what th
e impediment is; if you love her, then why don’t you tell her how you feel? Believe me when I speak as a man who has lost his own beloved wife, that life is all too short and you should not live with regrets.”

  Finally, Darcy forced himself to face the older man. “I already told her how I feel,” he admitted with a painful choke; “I already asked her to marry me.”

  “What, last night?” asked Mr Bennet incredulously. “While you were alone together?”

  “No, not last night,” answered Darcy quickly, as he recognised Mr Bennet’s alarm. “I asked her at Easter, when we were both staying in Kent.”

  He could plainly see that his answer had shocked Mr Bennet and that he wished to know more, and so Darcy forced himself to tell the whole story. “I have loved your daughter since the very earliest days of our acquaintance,” he admitted wretchedly; “but I told myself that there were too many reasons why we should not marry. I told myself that we would not be compatible, and so I tried to distance myself from her to avoid allowing myself to become too attached, or to avoid giving anyone else the wrong impression.” He sighed deeply as he thought back over his foolish behaviour. “In truth, I am ashamed of the way I behaved then and of the arrogant opinions I held.”

  Mr Bennet looked troubled, and Darcy knew that the older man was far too astute not to understand the sort of reservations which he spoke of which had initially prevented him from acting on his feelings for Elizabeth. However, Mr Bennet was too generous to dwell on the subject, and moreover seemed to appreciate that Darcy had changed a great deal since then.

  “But despite these reservations, you went ahead and asked my Lizzy to marry you anyway,” was all he replied with instead. “I hadn’t even known that the two of you had encountered one another in Kent. Lizzy never spoke of seeing you there.”

  Darcy gave the older man a desolate look. “I am not surprised,” he responded sadly. “I made such a complete mess of my proposal that she bluntly and very forthrightly refused me. We ended up quarrelling; truly, I do not think I could have made a bigger disaster of it than I did. I do not blame her for it, though it was a long time before I could think of our conversation that day with anything even approaching rational feeling. For a long time, I was extremely angry and bewildered at the things she had said to me, and at first, I could not appreciate how accurate she had been when she spoke of my arrogance and conceit. But over time I began to appreciate how justified she had been, and I was utterly ashamed of myself for the way I had behaved.”

  “And so, you returned to Hertfordshire to prove to my daughter that you are a changed man?” guessed Mr Bennet.

  “Yes,” admitted Darcy, “though my first purpose was to pay my respects to your wife. I regret that I did not behave very courteously towards Mrs Bennet at times, and I came to feel very sorry for that.”

  Over the past few days the two men had developed a friendship where they had always spoken the complete, unvarnished truth to one another, and so Darcy kept to that spirit as he continued. “Your wife never liked me, and I believe she was justified, considering the haughty way that I behaved in the past.”

  To his surprise, Mr Bennet responded to this with a soft laugh. “It is not surprising that the two of you did not see eye-to-eye,” he replied, “since you were both so different in your natures. But I believe that the true reason why my wife never took to you was because you had insulted one of her daughters. My Agnes was a very fond mother and she could never forgive any slight made against one of her girls.”

  Seeing Darcy’s genuine confusion at this remark, Mr Bennet smiled and went on to explain. “I believe that it had something to do with you refusing to dance with Lizzy at the ball where you first encountered her. I remember Agnes and the girls coming home after their evening out at the assembly rooms and telling me something about it. Agnes was all puffed up with indignation about it, and she instructed Lizzy that she should not dance with you in the future, even if you were to ask her.”

  Mr Bennet laughed to himself as he remembered the incident, though Darcy’s face fell as he likewise recollected the fateful evening that Mr Bennet referred to. He had long since forgotten that night; he had had no idea whatsoever that Elizabeth had overheard his ill-mannered remarks – and he was utterly appalled to learn that she had.

  “The incident became something of a legend in our house for a while,” continued Mr Bennet wryly, “and especially because of your words about Lizzy not being handsome enough to tempt you into dancing with her. I’m sure it was something like that, though my memory of the story grows a little hazy. All I know is that Elizabeth’s younger sisters teased her about it non-stop for a while, until finally Agnes put a decisive stop to their jokes by forbidding them from mentioning your name anymore.”

  Darcy was completely ashamed of himself, and he glanced across at Mr Bennet with an expression of absolute mortification. “I’m so sorry, sir,” he began solemnly; “I had no idea at all that she had heard me. I was in a foul mood that night; I was convinced that every matron in the room was trying to match me up with their daughters – though I know it is no excuse for my rudeness. No wonder she hated me,” he added softly, almost as an afterthought to himself.

  “Come, come,” smiled Mr Bennet kindly; “I did not tell you this to make you look even more grim and sorry for yourself than you already were! And I don’t think you were wrong to believe that the matrons of the town were scheming over how to get you to notice their daughters!” he joked. “But surely you can see that you have made some progress with my daughter since that time? You are at least on speaking terms now, and it is clear that you have both learnt some important lessons and that you are both trying to make up for your past mistakes.”

  Seeing Darcy’s doubtful expression, Mr Bennet tried again. “Look, I cannot guess what my daughter’s feelings are towards you since she has not confided any of this to me – and nor would I break her confidence even if she had. But she certainly doesn’t hate you; in fact, I would go so far as to say that she has a great deal of respect for you. I would advise you not to give up hope where Lizzy is concerned; she is a sensible young woman and will likely regret her past behaviour – just as you do.”

  Darcy remained quiet whilst he considered Mr Bennet’s words. “None of the blame lies with your daughter,” he finally responded. “It was my arrogant behaviour and my appalling proposal that made her reject me as she did – and she was right to do so. I only hope that I can convince her that I am trying to change for her sake.”

  “You are very generous to take all the blame onto your own shoulders,” replied Mr Bennet, “but I know how Lizzy can be sometimes. She is quick-witted and kind, and very loyal to her family – and I cannot help but favour her a little too much sometimes. But I also recognise her faults; she can sometimes display too much temper, and she was always very quick to form her opinions. Though I think she has learnt to be more tolerant since then – and I can only attribute this change to you, Fitzwilliam.”

  Darcy looked at the older man with surprise, for he had never considered that Elizabeth might have regrets and that she might likewise be trying to change – though he was even more astonished by Mr Bennet’s next words.

  “For my part, I would be very happy to have you as my son-in-law one day,” he said, “and if the pair of you could only learn not to be so stubborn, I think you might even see that you are ideally suited to one another! Just give her some time; her mother’s death is still very recent and she needs time to mourn, but I believe that her opinions of you have changed a great deal from what they were, and that she is grateful to you for the friendship which you have showed towards our family.”

  “Thank you, sir,” murmured Darcy in a grateful tone, “you don’t know how greatly I appreciate your words.”

  “Well, well, let’s say no more about it for now, shall we?” responded Mr Bennet benevolently, having clearly been made to feel a little awkward by their exchange. “You see, it wasn’t so hard to admit the truth to me, now was
it?” he teased gently. “I had half-feared you were going to admit that you had attempted to seduce my daughter last night, and so your explanation came as a great relief, I must say! I’ve come to like you and so I did not like the idea of having to shoot you!” he joked with a little wink.

  Chapter 9

  “Umm, Miss Bennet?” asked Darcy hesitantly. He had come to say his farewells to the Bennet family, but having found Elizabeth absent from the house, he had instead ventured out into the garden in search of her. He had decided that the time had finally come for him to depart for Pemberley, but he had resolved on speaking to Elizabeth before he did. He needed to know whether he should out hold any hope for the future – and whether or not he should plan on returning in a few months’ time. He had pondered on Mr Bennet’s words for a long time after they had parted on the previous morning; his advice had given him reason to believe that he should not give up all hope, though he had also appreciated the older man’s words of wisdom about giving Elizabeth time in which to grieve.

  He had found her sitting alone on a stone bench amongst the summer flowers, apparently lost in her own thoughts, and she suddenly jumped when he spoke up to gain her attention.

  “Oh, I beg your pardon,” Darcy added quickly, “I did not mean to startle you.”

  “No, no, do not apologise,” Elizabeth replied hastily, as she rose to her feet. She curtsied in greeting, but it was obvious that she was at a complete loss as to what she should say to him. If he were feeling less tense than he was, Darcy might have smiled to see her looking so tongue-tied when it was typically him who was so lost for words in her presence.

  However, he was determined not to let this opportunity slip by and thus he indicated the garden path before them. “Would you take a turn about the garden with me, Miss Bennet?” he asked, as his heart pounded within his chest. Somehow, he felt it would be far easier to articulate what he wished to say if he were not looking her directly in the face.