Sorrow and Second Chances

by E Bradshaw

  “I don’t know whether to be insulted or amused by that!” Elizabeth laughed in response. “You say that I am like my father, and so I imagine that you are also including me into that assessment. Though in truth, I know that you have had to put up with more than your fair share of my impertinent remarks in the past – and so perhaps I deserve it.”

  Darcy smiled wryly at her in response, feeling glad that the two of them could laugh together and finally put their previous misunderstandings behind them. “That is true,” he remarked with a grin; “you do deserve it. I have had many a sleepless night in the past because of you, as I’ve thought over the things you have said to me and tried to work out your meaning!”

  Although Elizabeth blushed slightly at the implication of his words, she did not back down from teasing him in return. “Then I can only apologise for disturbing your sleep,” she said. “Though I suspect that you out of all people will have known exactly what my father and I were implying whenever we have said anything that is not entirely proper! You were always very good at noticing other people’s faults; indeed, I do not imagine that anything escapes your notice, Mr Darcy!”

  However, her expression then grew more serious, as if a sudden thought had occurred to her, and she lowered her voice so that he alone could hear her words as she continued. “Though I sincerely hope that you can forgive me for anything I have said to you in the past that has caused you any pain or unhappiness – and I hope I have not caused you any more sleepless nights since then. Certainly, I believe we know one another a great deal better now than we did before.”

  “Oh yes, we know one another a great deal better now,” Darcy agreed as he gazed intently at her. “And you should not regret anything from the past, since I believe we have both learnt lessons since then, and I hope we have long since put our mistakes behind us. Though I’m afraid I cannot reassure you in regard to the sleepless nights,” he added softly as he looked steadily at her, “since they continue to plague me.”

  He could have said so much more in that moment, but Elizabeth’s flushed cheeks and the presence of so many people around them reminded him that he should wait until they could be quite alone until he bared his feelings to her in any more depth. Indeed, as the dusk gradually dwindled away into the darkness of evening, Darcy began to think it would soon be time for him to find an opportunity to speak to her alone. In fact, it was not long after that conversation with Elizabeth that Mr Bennet announced that it was time to retire, and thus he stated that he would escort his youngest three daughters and Georgiana back to the house. And though he said that Jane and Elizabeth might stay out for another half an hour or so, he made it very clear with the pointed look he gave to both Darcy and his friend that he would expect his eldest daughters to follow their sisters back to the house before too long.

  Nevertheless, Darcy understood the opportunity that Mr Bennet had allowed him in order to have a private conversation with his daughter – and he didn’t intend to waste it. The hour had grown late and the celebrations had become steadily more exuberant as the dancing went on and the high-spirits increased. Indeed, Darcy knew from previous experience that there were sometimes a few speedily-arranged marriages amongst some of his more reckless servants or tenants following these harvest celebrations, since general foolishness (or perhaps, more accurately, drunkenness) had led some in the past into scandalous behaviour which had then necessitated a quick wedding afterwards. Thus, in order to protect the young ladies’ innocence, Darcy thought it best that he and Charles escort Elizabeth and Jane back towards the house.

  Consequently, the four of them rose from their seats to take their leave from the party, and Darcy smiled when he received an affectionate cheer from his people as he departed. He offered his arm to Elizabeth, whilst Charles offered his to Jane, and together they walked towards the gardens. However, Darcy did not take the most direct route towards the house, but instead he subtly directed them on a more circuitous route, though neither Jane nor Elizabeth objected. Indeed, when Darcy glanced around to look for Charles and Jane, he saw that they had disappeared on their own path into the gardens, and thus he guessed that his friend had his own purpose that evening in wishing to speak alone with Jane.

  He was wondering how to begin their conversation when Elizabeth spoke first. “Your servants and your tenants truly seem to love you,” she murmured as they walked along together. “Indeed, everyone I spoke to this evening spoke highly of you; I do not think that there are many landlords who are so well regarded as you are.”

  Darcy shrugged in a self-conscious manner. “I’m sure they would speak highly of me when their bellies are full of ale,” he commented wryly. “Though I’m sure there would be other times when you might hear a different story.”

  “You accused me of being too modest earlier,” countered Elizabeth, “and now you are guilty of the same! I assure you that I have heard nothing but praise about you, and especially from Mrs Reynolds.”

  “Have you discussed me with my housekeeper often, then?” asked Darcy with an eyebrow raised in jest.

  “Not very often,” answered Elizabeth quickly, as she glanced down at her feet with obvious embarrassment; “though it is natural that you should come up in conversation from time to time when I am a guest in your house. Besides, Mrs Reynolds wasn’t telling me any secrets about you – and no matter what you say to the contrary, it is clear that she and all your servants and tenants have a great deal of affection for you.”

  Darcy smiled, feeling flattered by Elizabeth’s praise. “I saw you talking to some of my tenants this evening,” he commented as a way to divert the focus from himself. “I was grateful to you for taking an interest in them; I know that some ladies of your station would deem it below themselves to speak to them.”

  “I can well imagine the sort of ladies whom you speak of,” replied Elizabeth with a pointed look, “though my sisters and I have never been like that. Besides, I was interested to talk to your tenants and to hear more about their lives.”

  “I think they were likewise interested in you,” commented Darcy, as he directed a sideways smile at her. “My servants and tenants were watching you a great deal tonight; did you know that?”

  “I suppose it is natural that they should wonder about your guests,” murmured Elizabeth somewhat self-consciously. “After all, they have never met me or the rest of my family before.”

  “No,” countered Darcy, as he halted and turned to face her, “they weren’t interested in my other guests, but only in you.”

  He gently took one of her hands in his and gazed at her intently so that he could make his meaning entirely clear. “They saw how important you are to me,” he continued softly. “I have never been so unguarded in my behaviour in front of others before, nor so utterly transparent about my private feelings. But then, I have never felt this way about anybody else before, as I do for you.”

  Elizabeth blushed, but she did not look away and instead she steadily held his earnest look – and in that moment it seemed to Darcy as though all else around them faded out of existence whilst she looked up at him and he gazed back. With some trepidation, Darcy lifted his hand to gently caress the side of her cheek. “Surely you must know this, Elizabeth?” he breathed softly. “Surely you must know how much I love you?”

  “I have often wondered,” answered Elizabeth at last, as her eyes suddenly filled with tears, “and frequently hoped. But then, there were other times when I told myself not to be so foolish. You seemed so cold and distant towards me when you returned to Hertfordshire, and I could not help but think that you must be very angry with me for what had passed between us. I hardly dared to believe that you could still care for me after everything I had said to you in the past. In truth, it seemed impossible that you could.”

  “I have never stopped loving you,” replied Darcy vehemently; “not once. I was just heartbroken and dreadfully uncertain as to how you felt to see me again. I didn’t know how I could begin to make things better between us, but
I was determined to do anything I could to try.”

  He knew that his declaration had affected her, for her breath suddenly caught in her throat, and the tears that had been brimming up within her eyes suddenly spilled over to run down her cheeks. “No, my love, do not cry,” he murmured softly, as he reached to gently cup her face within his hands. He could not help but smile as he held her close, for he intuitively knew that her tears were an indication of her happiness – and a sign that she loved him in return. Nevertheless, after living for so long in tortuous suspense, he needed to hear her say it; he needed to know that she felt the same overwhelming emotion for him that he felt for her.

  With infinite care, he gently caressed her cheeks with his thumbs and wiped her tears away. “I have loved you from the very first days of knowing you, Elizabeth,” he continued, “and I was devastated when I realised how much you hated me.”

  “I never hated you!” interrupted Elizabeth vehemently. “I should never have said what I said then! I was completely wrong –”

  “Hush!” interrupted Darcy with a smile; “I know very well that you regret all that. It is all in the past; it is quite forgot, I assure you. But what I need to know is how you feel about me now. I want to know how you would feel if I begged at your feet; if I were to tell you how wholeheartedly I love you, and how completely I need you.”

  As he spoke, he lowered himself down onto his knee in front of her, and he did not miss the sound of Elizabeth’s gasp as he looked up and smiled at her. “I wish to know, my dear, lovely Elizabeth,” he continued softly, “if you would end my suffering and agree to become my wife?”

  “Yes!” Elizabeth cried, as a huge grin illuminated her face; “yes, of course I will!”

  Though Darcy had judged that the time was right and that he would be met with a much more positive response on this occasion, her answer nevertheless bowled him over, and for a fleeting moment he could barely believe what he had just heard. “Yes?” he repeated wonderingly – and then he swiftly shot back to his feet to stare down at her. In his overwhelming euphoria of the moment, and without properly realising what he did, he suddenly gathered her up into a tight embrace within his arms and pulled her eagerly against his chest. Indeed, it was only when he heard Elizabeth’s stifled gasp that Darcy belatedly realised how tightly he held her and how forward his actions were. He released her immediately, feeling at once how rough and clumsy he was in comparison to her small and rather delicate frame.

  “I’m sorry,” he muttered, as he hurriedly released her – though he could not bring himself to step away from her entirely. Instead, he stared down at her lovely, blushing face with a feeling bordering on awe. To his relief, however, Elizabeth simply laughed at his sheepish expression.

  “There is nothing to apologise for!” she giggled. “And you don’t need to treat me as though I am made of glass!” she added with a grin. “I assure you that I am much stronger than you think!”

  Darcy could not help but grin widely in response to her beautiful smile. “I know how strong you are, Elizabeth,” he murmured, “but all the same, I am much bigger than you are and I will need reminding not to crush you in my utter happiness!”

  “I don’t mind,” answered Elizabeth, with a bold look upwards through her lashes. “And I trust you. You have held me before and I know how gentle you are.”

  Darcy’s breath suddenly lodged in his throat; she tempted him far too much and he had to inwardly remind himself that he must behave. Even so, it was a very difficult feat when she stood before him looking so utterly captivating and when he knew how completely alone they were. “You mean by the river?” he asked cautiously, as he inwardly tried to control his increasingly wayward thoughts.

  “No, I was referring to the time you held me in the garden at Longbourn, on the day of my mother’s funeral,” she answered softly. “You were the last person I had expected to see there, and yet you somehow managed to make that day seem a little less awful. You were kind and considerate, and you were there for me just when I needed you. You were silent and comforting – and you seemed to understand that I’d had enough of talking and trying to appear strong. You demanded nothing from me; you held me when I needed holding – and it was only later that day, when I was sat alone in my room, that I realised what it must have cost you to have been there. I realised that you had come and comforted me, when I knew very well that I didn’t deserve it; even after I had been so abominably rude towards you.”

  Darcy swallowed audibly; his throat felt tight with emotion in response to her words. “I wished only to comfort you,” he explained in a quiet murmur. “I knew from my own losses how awful it is to lose a parent and I wanted to offer you whatever support I could. I had no way of knowing how you would feel to see me again, nor how you might respond to my presence in your house, and on the day of your mother’s funeral, of all days – but nor could I stay away. I had brooded and worried over your words ever since we had argued that evening at the parsonage, and though I was more than a little worried about how you might react to me being there, I could wait no longer to see you again.”

  He could see that his words had affected Elizabeth, for she daringly reached out to take one of his hands between her own, and he saw tears glistening in her eyes as she looked up at him. “How you must have hated me!” she exclaimed. “And nor could I blame you, after everything I had accused you of.”

  “No, my love,” Darcy hastened to assure her, as he gave her hand a comforting squeeze, “of course I didn’t hate you! It is true that I was angry for a long time afterwards, but then my anger rightly turned upon myself as I started to recognise just how justified you had been in your criticism – and in your refusal to my proposal. Suddenly, I was forced to re-evaluate myself and my conduct through the perspective of other people; to understand how others might see me, and to recognise how I had presented myself to you in the worst possible light. I understood then that I had been arrogant and conceited; I had, I later realised, cared very little about the opinion of others. I realised that although my parents had instructed me with good principles, I had long been left to follow them in pride and conceit.”

  “You are too hard upon yourself,” Elizabeth protested. “Yes, it is true that you may have been somewhat taciturn whenever you were in company, and I didn’t understand you very well at first – but you have shown nothing but patience and consideration towards me, even when I know I have not deserved it. I have been so foolishly blind and wilfully ignorant! I should have seen how kind and honourable you are – and though Jane tried to warn me not to judge you too quickly, to my shame, it took me far too long to understand your true character and to recognise your goodness.”

  “Indeed,” she continued with an earnest expression, “I think it was only at my mother’s funeral – when you comforted me, despite everything that had been said between us at our last meeting – that it finally dawned on me that you were – that you are – the best man I had ever known, or was likely to ever know. And during those following days when you stayed at Netherfield and continued to visit us at Longbourn, I finally began to understand why I felt so utterly uncomfortable whenever we were brought together, or why any mention of you made me feel so on edge. I felt so confused by your behaviour towards me, and so utterly guilt-ridden over the way I had treated you – but it was only after your departure that I truly understood myself. I knew then that I loved you; that I had fallen utterly and irretrievably in love with you. I knew I could never love another man as l loved you – and I felt hopeless with grief over the idea that I had thrown away the best chance for happiness that I was ever likely to have in my entire life.”

  Scarcely able to believe his good fortune, Darcy stared down at Elizabeth in a state of wondrous astonishment. He could hardly bring himself to trust what he had heard; to believe that the woman he had ached for and loved for so long – but whom he had feared would never consent to be his – was now fiercely declaring her love and devotion to him. He felt a sudden, fierce ru
sh of emotion welling up within him in response, and despite the fact that he knew his actions were not entirely proper, he could no longer rein himself in. Carefully, hesitantly, whilst keeping his eyes fixed upon hers to watch for her reaction, he gently cupped Elizabeth’s face within his hands and lowered his lips to hers for a kiss. It started off as the merest of caresses, but when he sensed Elizabeth’s eager reaction and heard her breath quicken, Darcy could not help but respond by pressing his lips more urgently against hers and deepening their kiss.

  He heard Elizabeth sigh against his lips as she reached up to wrap her arms around his neck, and as their kiss intensified, she pulled herself closer to him and pressed her body against his – and Darcy felt all sense of control rapidly slipping away in response. He wrapped his arms around her back and gathered her tightly against him; he could feel her breasts pressed against his chest and the contours of her warm body close against his, and for a moment he allowed himself the liberty of enjoying their closeness without thinking of all the rules of proper conduct which they were heedlessly breaking. However, his sense of honour soon prevailed upon him; he knew very well that in his great happiness there was a risk of him getting carried away, of allowing himself to be too free in his behaviour – just he also knew that there was a very real risk that he wouldn’t be able to stop once he had passed a certain point. He knew that Elizabeth was too inexperienced to understand the risk that she posed to his self-control, and therefore it was up to him to put a stop to their kiss and to reassert control over himself.