Little, Big

by John Crowley

  He was holding a mugful of this in his lap, looking into the fire with a grin on his face, when there came a knocking at the door.

  Sylvie and Destiny

  It took him a moment to see that the dark shy girl at his door was the same he had seen breaking eggs in a golden gown. Dressed now in jeans faded and soft as homespun, and clutching herself so tightly against the cold that her multiform earrings shook, she looked far less large; that is, she was just as small, but she had hidden the energy that had made her seem so large before under the bushel of her compact shape.

  “Sylvie,” he said.

  “Yah.” She looked away down the dark hall, and then back at him, in some kind of hurry, or in some annoyance, or something; what? “I didn’t know anybody was in here. I thought it was empty.”

  He so obviously filled the doorway that there was no answer he could make to this.

  “Okay,” she said. She allowed one cold hand out from where it hid in her armpit, so it could press her lip against her teeth to be bitten, and glanced away again, as though he were compelling her to stay here and she were impatient to get away.

  “Did you leave something here?” She didn’t respond. “How’s your son?” At this the hand that had been pressing her lip covered her mouth altogether, and she seemed to weep, or laugh, or both, still looking away though it was obvious she had no place to go; at last he saw that. “Come in,” he said, and motioned her in, stepping aside so she could enter and nodding encouragement.

  “Sometimes I come here,” she said as she came in, “when I want to be, you know, alone.” She looked around her with what Auberon supposed was a justified air of grievance. He was the intruder. He wondered if he should yield it to her, and go sleep in the street. Instead he said: “Would you like some rum?”

  She appeared not to hear. “So listen,” she said, and then nothing more. It would be some time before Auberon realized that these words were often as not a mere vocable in City speech, and not intended to roughly command his attention, as they seemed. He listened. She sat on the little velvet chair and said at last, as though to herself, “It’s cozy here.”

  “Mm.”

  “Nice fire. What are you drinking?” “Rum. Would you like some?”

  “Sure.”

  There was, it appeared, only the one cup, so she and he passed it back and forth between them. “He’s not my son,” Sylvie said.

  “I’m sorry if I …”

  “He’s my brother’s kid. I got a crazy brother. Named Bruno. Like the kid.” She pondered, staring into the fire. “What a kid. So sweet. And smart. And bad?” She smiled. “Just like his papo.” She gripped herself more tightly, drawing her knees up almost to her breasts, and he could see she wept inwardly, and only by this constant pressure against herself kept it from spilling out.

  “You and he seemed to get along well,” Auberon said, nodding in what he realized was an absurdly solemn fashion. “I thought you were his mother.”

  “Oh, his mother, man,” with a look of pure disdain touched only faintly with pity, “she’s sad. She’s a sad case. Pitiful.” She brooded. “The way they treat him, man. He’s going to turn out just like his father.”

  This was apparently not a good thing. Auberon wished he could think of a question that would draw the whole story from her. “Well, sons do turn out like their fathers,” he said, wondering if it would ever seem true of him. “After all, they’re around them a lot.”

  She snorted in disgust. “Shit, Bruno hasn’t seen this kid in a year. Now he shows up and says, ‘Hey, my son,’ and all this. Just because he got religion.”

  “Hm.”

  “Not religion. But this guy he works for. Or follows. Russell—what is it, I don’t know—I go blank. Anyway, he says, love, family, blahblahblah. So here he is on the doorstep.”

  “Hm.”

  “They’ll kill that kid.” Tears did gather in her eyes, but she blinked them away, none fell. “Damn George Mouse. How could he be so dumb?”

  “What did he do?”

  “He says he was drunk. Had a knife.”

  “Oh.” There being no reflexive in the language Sylvie had to speak here, Auberon was soon lost among the “he”s and had no idea who had a knife or who said who was drunk. He would have to hear the story twice more in the next days before he sorted out that brother Bruno had come drunk to Old Law Farm and, under the press of his new faith or philosophy, demanded nephew Bruno from George Mouse, who in Sylvie’s absence and after a prolonged debate which had threatened to turn violent, had yielded him up. And that nephew Bruno was now in the hands of bedeviling and loving and deeply stupid female relatives (brother Bruno wouldn’t stay, she was sure of that) who would raise him just as her brother had been raised after his father’s desertion, to vanity, and wildness, a touchy ungovernability and a sweet selfishness no woman could resist, and few men for that matter; and that (even if the child avoided being put in a Home) Sylvie’s plan to rescue him had failed: George had forbidden the Farm to her relatives, he had enough troubles.

  “So I can’t live with him any more,” she said—George this time, doubtless.

  A strange hope rose in Auberon.

  “I mean it’s not his fault,” she said. “Not his fault, really. I just couldn’t any more. I’d always think of it. And anyway.” She pressed her temples, pressing in the thing there. “Shit. If I had the nerve to tell them off. All of them.” Her grief and bedevilment were reaching a climax. “I never want to see them again myself. Never. Never never.” She almost laughed. “And that’s really stupid, ‘cause if I leave here I got no place else to go. No place else.”

  She wouldn’t weep. She hadn’t, and the moment was past now; now blank despair was in her face as she looked into the fire, both cheeks in her hands.

  Auberon clasped his hands behind him, studied an offhand, neighborly tone, and said, “Well of course you can stay here, you’re welcome to,” and realized he was offering her a place which was much more hers than his, and flushed. “I mean of course you can stay here, if you don’t mind my staying too.”

  She looked at him, warily he thought, which was proper considering a certain bass obbligato in his feelings just then which he was in fact trying to conceal. “Really?” she said. She smiled. “I wouldn’t take up much room.”

  “Well, there’s not much room to take up.” Become host, he looked the place over thoughtfully. “I don’t know how we’d arrange it, but there’s the chair, and, well, there’s my overcoat almost dry, you could use that for a blanket….” He saw that he himself, curled up in a corner, would probably not sleep at all. Now, though, her face had closed somewhat at these cheerless arrangements. He couldn’t think what else to yield up to her.

  “I couldn’t,” she said, “have just a corner of the bed? Like down at the foot? I’ll curl up real small.”

  “Bed?”

  “The bed!” she said, growing impatient.

  “What bed?”

  Suddenly getting it, she laughed aloud. “Oh wow,” she said, “oh no, you were going to sleep on the flaw—I don’t believe it!” She went to the massy wardrobe or highboy which stood against one wall, and, reaching up along its hidden side, she turned a knob or pulled a lever, and enormously pleased, let down the whole tall front of the thing. Counterweighted (the dummy drawers held lead weights), it swung gently, dreamily down; the mirror reflected floor, and then was gone; brass knobs at each upper corner extruded themselves, slipping out as the front came down, and became legs, locking in place by a gravity-worked mechanism whose ingenuity he would later marvel at. It was a bed. It had a carved headboard; the top of it, as wardrobe, had become the footboard, as bed; it had a mattress, bedclothes, and two plump pillows.

  He laughed with her. Displayed, the bed took up most the room. The folding bed room.

  “Isn’t it great?” she said.

  “Great.”

  “Room enough for two, isn’t there?”

  “Oh sure. In fact …” He was about t
o offer the whole of it to her; that was only right, and he would instantly have done so in the first place if he’d known it to be hidden there. But he saw that she assumed he was ungentlemanly enough to assume that she would be grateful for half, and assumed that he assumed that she … A sudden cunning shut his mouth.

  “You’re sure you don’t mind?” she asked.

  “Oh no. If you’re sure you don’t mind.”

  “Nah. I’ve always slept with people. My granny and I slept together for years, usually with my sister too.” She sat on the bed—it was so plumply high she had to hoist herself up with her hands, and her feet didn’t reach the floor from it—and smiled at him, and he smiled back. “So,” she said.

  The room transformed was the rest of his life transformed, everything not already metamorphosed by the departure and the bus and the City and the lawyers and the rain. Nothing now would ever be the same again. He realized he had been staring wildly at her, and that she had lowered her eyes. “Well,” he said, holding up the cup, “how about a little more of this?”

  “Okay.” While he was pouring it, she said, “So how come you came to the City, by the way?”

  “To seek my fortune.”

  “Huh?”

  “Well, I want to be a writer.” Rum and intimacy made it easy to say. “I’m going to look for a job writing. Something. Maybe television.”

  “Hey, great. Big bucks.”

  “Mm.”

  “You could write, like, ‘A World Elsewhere’?”

  “What’s that?”

  “You know. The show.”

  He didn’t. An absurdity in his ambitions became clear to him when they bounced back, as it were, from Sylvie, instead of (as they always had before) paying out endlessly into futurity. “Actually, we never had a television set,” he said.

  “Really? Well, I’ll be.” She sipped the rum he gave her. “Couldn’t afford one? George told me you guys were real rich. Oops.”

  “Well, ‘rich’. I don’t know about ‘rich’….” Well! There was an inflection like Smoky’s, which Auberon heard for the first time in his own voice—that putting of imaginary doubt-quotes around a word. Was he growing old? “We could have bought a TV, certainly…. What’s this show like?”

  “ ‘A World Elsewhere’? It’s a daytime drama.”

  “Oh.”

  “The endless kind. You just get over one problem and another starts. Mostly dumb. But you get hooked.” She had begun to tremble again, and drew her feet up on the bed; she pulled down the quilt and wrapped it around her legs. Auberon busied himself with the fire. “There’s a girl on it who reminds me of me.” She said it with a self-deprecating laugh. “Boy has she got problems. She’s supposed to be Italian, but she’s played by a P.R. And she’s beautiful.” She said this as though she said She has one leg, and is like me in that. “And she has a Destiny. She knows it. All these terrible problems, but she has a Destiny, and sometimes they show her just looking out misty-eyed while these voices sing in the background—aa-aa-aaah—and you know she’s thinking of her Destiny.”

  “Hm.” All the wood in the woodbox was scrap, most of it parts of furniture, though there were pieces that bore lettering too. The varnish on fluted and turned wood sizzled and blistered. Auberon felt an exhilaration: he was part of a community of strangers, burning unbeknown to them their furniture and belongings, just as they not knowing him took his money at change-booths and made room for him on buses. “A Destiny, huh.”

  “Yah.” She looked at the locomotive on the lampshade, turning through its little landscape. “I have a Destiny,” she said.

  “You do?”

  “Yah.” She said this syllable in a way and with an attitude of face and arms that meant Yes, it’s true, and a long story, and while possibly to my credit is something I have nothing to do with, and is even a little embarrassing, like a halo. She studied a silver ring on her finger.

  “How does somebody know,” he asked, “that they have a Destiny?” The bed was so large that to sit in the little velvet chair at its foot would place him absurdly low; so—gingerly—he got up on the bed beside her. She made room. They took up opposite corners, resting in the wings which protruded from the headboard.

  “An espiritista read mine,” Sylvie said. “A long time ago.”

  “A who?”

  “An espiritista. A lady with powers. You know. Reads cards, and does stuff with stuff from the botanica; a bruja sort of, you know?”

  “Oh.”

  “This one was sort of an aunt of mine, well not really mine, I forget whose aunt she was; we called her Titi, but everybody called her La Negra. She scared the shit out of me. Her apartment, way uptown, always had candles lit on these little altars, and the curtains drawn, and these crazy smells; and out on the fire escape she kept a couple of chickens, man, I don’t know what she did with those chickens and I don’t want to know. She was big—not fat, but with these long strong gorilla arms and a little head, and black. Sort of blue-black, you know? She couldn’t have really been in my family. So when I was a little kid I got malnutritioned real bad—wouldn’t eat—Mami couldn’t make me—I got so skinny, like this—” she held up a red-nailed pinkie. “The doctor said I was supposed to eat liver. Liver! Can you imagine? Anyway, Granny decided that somebody was maybe doing a number on me, you know? Brujeria. From a distance.” She waggled her fingers like a stage hypnotist. “Like revenge or something. Mami was living with somebody else’s husband then. So maybe his wife had got an espiritista to do revenge on her by making me sick. Anyway, anyway …” She touched his arm lightly, because he had looked away. In fact she touched his arm every time he looked away, which had begun somewhat to annoy him, his attention couldn’t have been more riveted; he thought this must be a bad habit of hers, until much later he saw that the men who played dominoes on the street and the women who watched children and gossiped on stoops did it too: a racial, not a personal habit, maintain the contact. “Anyway. She took me to La Negra to get it wiped out or whatever. Man I was never so scared in my life. She started pressing me and feeling me up with these big black hands, and sort of groaning or singing, and talking this stuff, and her eyeballs rolled back in her head and her eyelids fluttered—creepy. Then she dashes over to this little burner and throws some stuff on it, powder or something, and this real strong perfume comes out, and she rushes back—sort of dances—and feels me some more. She did some other stuff too that I forget. Then she drops all that, and gets real regular, like, you know, a day’s work, all done, like at the dentist; and she told Granny, no, nobody had a spell on me, I was just skinny and ought to eat more. Granny was so relieved. So—” again the brief wrist-touch, he had stared into the mug for a moment “—so they’re sitting around drinking coffee and Granny’s paying, and La Negra just kept looking at me. Just looking. Man I was freaking out. What’s she looking at? She could see right through you, she could see your heart. Your heart of hearts. Then she goes like this—” Sylvie motioned with a slow large black bruja hand for the child to come close “—and starts talking to me, real slow, about what dreams I had, and other stuff I forget; and it’s like she was thinking real hard. Then she gets out this deck of cards, real old and worn out; and she puts my hand on them and her hand over mine; and her eyes roll up again, and she’s like in a trance.” Sylvie took the cup from Auberon, who’d been gripping it, in a trance himself. “Oh,” she said. “No more?”

  “Lots more.” He went to get some.

  “So listen, listen. She lays out these cards—thanks—” She sipped, her eyes rising, looking for a moment like the child she was telling of. “And she starts reading them for me. That was when she saw my Destiny.”

  “And what was it?” He sat again beside her on the bed. “A big one.”

  “The biggest,” she said, mimicking a confidential, hot-news tone. “The very biggest.” She laughed. “She couldn’t believe it. This skinny, malnutritioned kid in a homemade dress. This big Destiny. She stared and stared. She stared at th
e cards, she stared at me. My eyes got big, and I thought I was going to cry, and Granny’s praying, and La Negra’s making noises, and I just wanted out….”

  “But what,” Auberon said, “was the Destiny? Exactly.”

  “Well, exactly she didn’t know.” She laughed, the whole thing had become silly. “That’s the only trouble. She said a Destiny, and a biggie. But not what. A movie stah. A queen. Queen of the World, man. Anything.” As quickly as she had laughed, she grew thoughtful. “It sure ain’t come true yet,” she said. “I used to picture it, though. Like in the future, coming true. I had this picture. There was this table, in the woods? Like a long banquet table. With a white cloth. And all these goodies on it. End to end, heaped up. But in the woods. Trees and stuff around. And there was an empty place at the middle of the table.” “And?”

  “That’s all. I just saw it. I thought about it.” She glanced over at him. “I bet you never knew anybody who had any big Destiny before,” she said, grinning.

  He didn’t want to say that he had hardly known anyone who didn’t. Destiny had been like a shameful secret shared among all of them at Edgewood, which none of them would exactly admit to except in the most veiled terms and only at great need. He had fled his. He had outrun it, he was sure, like the geese outrunning Brother North-wind on strong wings: it couldn’t freeze him here. If he wanted a Destiny now, it would be one of his own choosing. He’d like, for instance, for a single simple instance, to have Sylvie’s: to be Sylvie’s. “Is it fun?” he asked. “Having a Destiny?”

  “Not much,” she said. She had begun to clutch herself again, though the fire had heated the little room well. “When I was a kid, they all made fun of me for it. Except Granny. But she couldn’t resist going around telling everybody about it. And La Negra told. And I was still just a bad skinny kid who didn’t do shit that was wonderful.” She wiggled within the bedclothes, embarrassed, and turned the silver ring on her finger. “Sylvie’s big Destiny. There was a lot of jokes. Once—” she looked away “—once this real old Gypsy guy came around. Mami didn’t want to let him in, but he said he’d come all the way from Brooklyn to see me. So he comes in. All bent and sweaty, and real fat. And talking this funny Spanish. And they dragged me out, and showed me off. I was eating a chicken wing. And he stared at me a while with these big goggle eyes and his mouth open. Then—oh, man, it was weird—he got down on his knees—it took him a long time, you know?—and he says: Remember me when you come into your kingdom. And he gave me this.” She held up her hand (the palm lined minutely and clearly) and turned it to show the silver ring, back and front. “Then we all had to help him stand up.”