Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour

by Robert Smith Surtees

  CHAPTER XXXV

  LORD SCAMPERDALE AT JAWLEYFORD COURT

  Although we have hitherto depicted Lord Scamperdale either in his greatuncouth hunting-clothes or in the flare-up red and yellow Stunner tartan,it must not be supposed that he had not fine clothes when he chose to wearthem, only he wanted to save them, as he said, to be married in. That hehad fine ones, indeed, was evident from the rig-out he lent Jack when thatworthy went to Jawleyford Court, and, in addition to those which were ofthe evening order, he had an uncommonly smart Stultz frock-coat, with avelvet collar, facings, and cuffs, and a silk lining. Though so rough andready among the men, he was quite the dandy among the ladies, and was asanxious about his appearance as a girl of sixteen. He got himself clippedand trimmed, and shaved with the greatest care, curving his whiskers highon to the cheekbones, leaving a great breadth of bare fallow below.

  Baggs the butler was despatched betimes to Jawleyford Court with thedog-cart freighted with clothes, driven by a groom to attend to the horses,while his lordship mounted his galloping grey hack towards noon, and dashedthrough the country like a comet. The people, who were only accustomed tosee him in his short, country-cut hunting-coats, baggy breeches, andshapeless boots, could hardly recognize the frock-coated, fancy-vested,military-trousered swell, as Lord Scamperdale. Even Titus Grabbington, thesuperintendent of police, declared that he wouldn't have known him but forhis hat and specs. The latter, we need hardly say, were the silverones--the pair that he would not let Jack have when he went to JawleyfordCourt. So his lordship went capering and careering along, avoiding, ofcourse, all the turnpike-gates, of which he had a mortal aversion.

  Jawleyford Court was in full dress to receive him--everything was full fig.Spigot appeared in buckled shorts and black silk stockings; while vases ofevergreens and winter flowers mounted sentry on passage tables andlanding-places. Everything bespoke the elegant presence of the fair.

  To the credit of Dame Fortune let us record that everything went smoothlyand well. Even the kitchen fire behaved as it ought. Neither did LordScamperdale arrive before he was wanted, a very common custom with peopleunused to public visiting. He cast up just when he was wanted. His ring ofthe door-bell acted like the little tinkling bell at a theatre, sending allparties to their places, for the curtain to rise.

  Spigot and his two footmen answered the summons, while his lordship's groomrushed out of a side-door, with his mouth full of cold meat, to take hishack.

  Having given his flat hat to Spigot, his whip-stick to one footman, and hisgloves to the other, he proceeded to the family tableau in thedrawing-room.

  Though his lordship lived so much by himself he was neither _gauche_ norstupid when he went into society. Unlike Mr. Spraggon, he had a tremendousdetermination of words to the mouth, and went best pace with his tongueinstead of coughing and hemming, and stammering and stuttering--wishinghimself 'well out of it,' as the saying is. His seclusion only seemed tosharpen his faculties and make him enjoy society more. He gushed forth likea pent-up fountain. He was not a bit afraid of the ladies--rather thecontrary; indeed, he would make love to them all--all that weregood-looking, at least, for he always candidly said that he 'wouldn't haveanything to do with the ugly 'uns.' If anything, he was rather toovehement, and talked to the ladies in such an earnest, interested sort ofway, as made even bystanders think there was 'something in it,' whereas, inpoint of fact, it was mere manner.

  He began as soon as ever he got to Jawleyford Court--at least, as soon ashe had paid his respects all round and got himself partially thawed at thefire; for the cold had struck through his person, his fine clothes being apoor substitute for his thick double-milled red coat, blankety waistcoat,and Jersey shirt.

  There are some good-natured, well-meaning people in this world who thinkthat fox-hunters can talk of nothing but hunting, and who put themselves tovery serious inconvenience in endeavouring to get up a little conversationfor them. We knew a bulky old boy of this sort, who invariably, after thecloth was drawn, and he had given each leg a kick out to see if they wereon, commenced with, 'Well, I suppose, Mr. Harkington has a fine set of dogsthis season?' 'A fine set of dogs this season! 'What an observation! How onearth could any one hope to drive a conversation on the subject with such acommencement?

  Some ladies are equally obliging in this respect. They can stoop to almostany subject that they think will procure them husbands. Music!--if a man isfond of music, they will sing themselves into his good graces in no time.Painting!--oh, they adore painting--though in general they don't profess tobe great hands at it themselves. Balls, boating, archery, racing--all thesethey can take a lively interest in; or, if occasion requires, can go onthe serious tack and hunt a parson with penny subscriptions for aclothing-club or soup-kitchen.

  Fox-hunting!--we do not know that fox-hunting is so safe a speculation foryoung ladies as any of the foregoing. There are many pros and cons in thematter of the chase. A man may think--especially in these hard times, with'wheat below forty,' as Mr. Springwheat would say--that it will be as muchas he can do to mount himself. Again, he may not think a lady looks anybetter for running down with perspiration, and being daubed with mud. Aboveall, if he belongs to the worshipful company of Craners, he may not likefor his wife to be seen beating him across country.

  Still, there are many ways that young ladies may insinuate themselves intothe good graces of sportsmen without following them into the hunting-field.Talking about their horses, above all admiring them, taking an interest intheir sport, seeing that they have nice papers of sandwiches to take outwith them, or recommending them to be bled when they come home with dirtyfaces after falls.

  Miss Amelia Jawleyford, who was most elegantly attired in a sea-green silkdress with large imitation pearl buttons, claiming the usual privilege ofseniority of birth, very soon led the charge against Lord Scamperdale.

  'Oh, what a lovely horse that is you were riding,' observed she, as hislordship kept stooping with both his little red fists close into the barsof the grate.

  'Isn't it!' exclaimed he, rubbing his hands heartily together. 'Isn't it!'repeated he, adding, 'that's what I call a clipper.'

  'Why do you call it so?' asked she.

  'Oh, I don't mean that clipper is its name,' replied he; 'indeed, we callher Cherry Bounce in the stable--but she's what they call a clipper--a good'un to go, you know,' continued he, staring at the fair speaker through hisgreat, formidable spectacles.

  We believe there is nothing frightens a woman so much as staring at herthrough spectacles. A barrister in barnacles is a far more formidablecross-examiner than one without. But, to his lordship's back.

  'Will he eat bread out of your hand?' asked Amelia, adding, 'I _should_ solike a horse that would eat bread out of my hand.'

  'Oh yes; or cheese either,' replied his lordship, who was a bit of a wag,and as likely to try a horse with one as the other.

  'Oh, how delightful! what a charming horse!' exclaimed Amelia, turning herfine eyes up to the ceiling.

  'Are you fond of horses?' asked his lordship, smacking one hand against theother, making a noise like the report of a pistol.

  'Oh, so fond!' exclaimed Amelia, with a start; for she hadn't got throughher favourite, and, as she thought, most attractive attitude.

  'Well, now, that's nice,' said his lordship, giving his other hand asimilar bang, adding, 'I like a woman that's fond of horses.'

  'Then 'Melia and you'll 'gree nicely,' observed Mrs. Jawleyford, who wasalways ready to give a helping hand to her own daughters, at least.

  'I don't doubt it!' replied his lordship, with emphasis, and a third bangof his hand, louder if possible than before. 'And do _you_ like horses?'asked his lordship, darting sharply round on Emily, who had been yielding,or rather submitting, to the precedence of her sister.

  'Oh yes; and hounds, too!' replied she eagerly.

  'And hounds, too!' exclaimed his lordship, with a start, and another heartybang of the fist, adding, 'well, now, I like a woman that likes hounds.'

>   Amelia frowned at the unhandsome march her sister had stolen upon her. Justthen in came Jawleyford, much to the annoyance of all parties. A hostshould never show before the dressing-bell rings.

  When that glad sound was at length heard, the ladies, as usual, immediatelywithdrew; and of course the first thing Amelia did when she got to her roomwas to run to the glass to see how she had been looking: when, grievous torelate, she found an angry hot spot in the act of breaking out on her nose.

  What a distressing situation for a young lady, especially one with aspectacled suitor. 'Oh, dear!' she thought, as she eyed it in the glass,'it will look like Vesuvius itself through his formidable inquisitors.'Worst of all, it was on the side she would have next him at dinner, shouldhe choose to sit with his back to the fire. However, there was no help forit, and the maid kindly assuring her, as she worked away at her hair, thatit 'would never be seen,' she ceased to watch it, and turned her attentionto her toilette. The fine, new broad-lace flounced, light-blue satindress--a dress so much like a ball dress as to be only appreciable as adinner one by female eyes--was again in requisition; while her fine armswere encircled with chains and armlets of various brilliance and devices.Thus attired, with a parting inspection of the spot, she swept downstairs,with as smart a bouquet as the season would afford. As luck would have it,she encountered his lordship himself wandering about the passage in searchof the drawing-room, of whose door he had not made a sufficient observationon leaving. He too, was uncommonly smart, with the identical dress-coat Mr.Spraggon wore, a white waistcoat with turquoise buttons, a lace-frilledshirt, and a most extensive once-round Joinville. He had been eminentlysuccessful in accomplishing a tie that would almost rival the sticksfarmers put upon truant geese to prevent their getting through gaps orunder gates.

  Well, Miss Amelia having come to his lordship's assistance, and eased himof his candle, now showed him into the drawing-room; and his hands beingdisengaged, like a true Englishman, he must be doing, and accordingly hecommenced an attack on her bouquet.

  'That's a fine nosegay!' exclaimed he, staring and rubbing his snub noseinto the midst of it.

  'Let me give you a piece,' replied Amelia, proceeding to detach some of thebest.

  'Do,' replied his lordship, banging one hand against the other, adding,'I'll wear it next my heart of hearts.'

  In sidled Miss Emily just as his lordship was adjusting it in hisbutton-hole, and the inconstant man immediately chopped over to her.

  'Well, now, that _is_ a beautiful nosegay!' exclaimed he, turning upon herin precisely the same way, with a bang of the hand and a dive of his noseinto Emily's.

  She did not offer him any, and his lordship continued his attentions to heruntil Mrs. Jawleyford entered.

  Dinner was presently announced; but his lordship, instead of choosing tosit with his back to the fire, took the single chair opposite, which gavehim a commanding view of the young ladies. He did not, however, take anyadvantage of his position during the repast, neither did he talk much, hismaxim being to let his meat stop his mouth. The preponderance of hisobservations, perhaps, were addressed to Amelia, though a watchful observermight have seen that the spectacles were oftener turned upon Emily. Up tothe withdrawal of the cloth, however, there was no perceptible advantage oneither side.

  As his lordship settled to the sweets, at which he was a great hand atdessert, Amelia essayed to try her influence with the popular subject of aball. 'I wish the members of your hunt would give us a ball, my lord,'observed she.

  'Ah, hay, hum--ball,' replied he, ladling up the syrup of some preservedpeaches that he had been eating; 'ball, ball, ball. No place to give it--noplace to give it,' repeated he.

  'Oh, give it in the town-hall, or the long room at the Angel,' replied she.

  'Town-hall--long room at the Angel--Angel at the long room of thetown-hall--oh, certainly, certainly, certainly,' muttered he, scraping awayat the contents of his plate.

  'Then that's a bargain, mind,' observed Amelia significantly.

  'Bargain, bargain, bargain--certainly,' replied he; 'and I'll lead off withyou, or you'll lead off with me--whichever way it is--meanwhile, I'lltrouble you for a piece of that gingerbread.'

  Having supplied him with a most liberal slice, she resumed the subject ofthe ball.

  'Then we'll fix it so,' observed she.

  'Oh, fix it so, certainly--certainly fix it so,' replied his lordship,filling his mouth full of gingerbread.

  'Suppose we have it on the day of the races?' continued Amelia.

  'Couldn't be better,' replied his lordship; 'couldn't be better,' repeatedhe, eyeing her intently through his formidable specs.

  His lordship was quite in the assenting humour, and would have agreed toanything--anything short of lending one a five-pound note.

  Amelia was charmed with her success. Despite the spot on her nose, she feltshe was winning.

  His lordship sat like a target, shot at by all, but making the most of histime, both in the way of eating and staring between questions.

  At length the ladies withdrew, and his lordship having waddled to the doorto assist their egress, now availed himself of Jawleyford's invitation tooccupy an arm-chair during the enjoyment of his 'Wintle.'

  Whether it was the excellence of the beverage, or that his lordship wasunaccustomed to wine-drinking, or that Jawleyford's conversation wasunusually agreeable, we know not, but the summons to tea and coffee wasdisregarded, and when at length they did make their appearance, hislordship was what the ladies call rather elevated, and talked thicker thanthere was any occasion for. He was very voluble at first--told all howSponge had knocked him about, how he detested him, and wouldn't allow himto come to the hunt ball, &c.; but he gradually died out, and at last fellasleep beside Mrs. Jawleyford on the sofa, with his little legs crossed,and a half-emptied coffee-cup in his hand, which Mr. Jawleyford and shekept anxiously watching, expecting the contents to be over the fine satinfurniture every moment.

  In this pleasant position they remained till he awoke himself with a heartysnore, and turned the coffee over on to the carpet. Fortunately there waslittle damage done, and, it being nearly twelve o'clock, his lordshipwaddled off to bed.

  Amelia, when she came to think matters over in the retirement of her ownroom, was well satisfied with the progress she had made. She thought sheonly wanted opportunity to capture him. Though she was most anxious for agood night in order that she might appear to advantage in the morning,sleep forsook her eyelids, and she lay awake long thinking what she woulddo when she was my lady--how she would warm Woodmansterne, and what adashing equipage she would keep. At length she dropped off, just as shethought she was getting into her well-appointed chariot, showing a becomingportion of her elegantly turned ankles.

  In the morning she attired herself in her new light blue satin robe,corsage Albanaise, with a sort of three-quarter sleeves, and muslin underones--something, we believe, out of the last book of fashion. She also hadher hair uncommonly well arranged, and sported a pair of cleanprimrose-coloured gloves. 'Now for victory,' said she, as she took aparting glance at herself in general, and the hot spot in particular.

  Judge of her disgust on meeting her mamma on the staircase at learning thathis lordship had got up at six o'clock, and had gone to meet his hounds onthe other side of the county. That Baggs had boiled his oatmeal porridge inhis bedroom, and his lordship had eaten it as he was dressing.

  It may be asked, what was the maid about not to tell her.

  The fact is, that ladies'-maids are only numb hands in all that relates tohunting, and though Juliana knew that his lordship was up, she thought hehad gone to have his hunt before breakfast, just as the young gentlemen inthe last place she lived in used to go and have a bathe.

  Baggs, we may add, was a married man, and Juliana and he had not had muchconversation.