Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour

by Robert Smith Surtees

  CHAPTER LXI

  NONSUCH HOUSE AGAIN

  'MR. SPONGE, MY LADY']

  The gallant inmates of Nonsuch House had resolved themselves into acommittee of speculation, as to whether Mr. Sponge was coming or not;indeed, they had been betting upon it, the odds at first being a hundred toone that he came, though they had fallen a point or two on the arrival ofthe post without an answer.

  'Well, I say Mr. What-d'ye-call-him--Sponge--doesn't come!' exclaimedCaptain Seedeybuck, as he lay full length, with his shaggy greasy head onthe fine rose-coloured satin sofa, and his legs cocked over the cushion.

  'Why not?' asked Miss Glitters, who was beguiling the twilight half-hourbefore candles with knitting.

  'Don't know,' replied Seedeybuck, twirling his moustache, 'don't know--havea presentiment he won't.'

  'Sure to come!' exclaimed Captain Bouncey, knocking the ashes off his cigaron to the fine Tournay carpet.

  'I'll lay ten to one--ten fifties to one--he does,--a thousand to ten ifyou like.' If all the purses in the house had been clubbed together, wedon't believe they would have raised fifty pounds.

  'What sort of a looking man is he?' asked Miss Glitters, now counting herloops.

  'Oh--whoy--ha--hem--haw--he's just an ordinary sort of lookin' man--nothin''tickler any way,' drawled Captain Seedeybuck, now wetting and twirling hismoustache.

  'Two legs, a head, a back, and so on, I presume,' observed the lady.

  'Just so,' assented Captain Seedeybuck.

  'He's a horsey-lookin' sort o' man, I should say,' observed CaptainBouncey, 'walks as if he ought to be ridin'--wears vinegar tops.'

  'Hate vinegar tops,' growled Seedeybuck.

  Just then, in came Lady Scattercash, attended by Mr. Orlando Bugles, theladies' attractions having caused that distinguished performer to forfeithis engagement at the Surrey Theatre. Captain Cutitfat, Bob Spangles, andSir Harry quickly followed, and the Sponge question was presently renewed.

  'Who says old brown boots comes?' exclaimed Seedeybuck from the sofa.

  'Who's that with his nasty nob on my fine satin sofa?' asked the lady.

  'Bob Spangles,' replied Seedeybuck.

  'Nothing of the sort,' rejoined the lady; 'and I'll trouble you to getoff.'

  'Can't--I've got a bone in my leg,' rejoined the captain.

  'I'll soon make you,' replied her ladyship, seizing the squab, and pullingit on to the floor.

  As the captain was scrambling up, in came Peter--one of the wagelessfootmen--with candles, which having distributed equitably about the room,he approached Lady Scattercash, and asked, in an independent sort of way,what room Mr. Soapsuds was to have.

  'Soapsuds!--Soapsuds!--that's not his name,' exclaimed her ladyship.

  '_Sponge_, you fool! Soapey Sponge,' exclaimed Cutitfat, who had ferretedout Sponge's _nomme de Londres_.

  'He's not come, has he?' asked Miss Glitters eagerly.

  'Yes, my lady--that's to say, miss,' replied Peter.

  'Come, has he!' chorused three or four voices.

  'Well, he must have a (hiccup) room,' observed Sir Harry. 'The green--theone above the billiard-room will do,' added he.

  'But _I_ have that, Sir Harry,' exclaimed Miss Howard.

  'Oh, it'll hold two well enough,' observed Miss Glitters.

  'Then _you_ can be the second,' replied Miss Howard, with a toss of herhead.

  'Indeed!' sneered Miss Glitters, bridling up. 'I like that.'

  'Well, but where's the (hiccup) man to be put?' asked Sir Harry.

  'There's Ladofwax's room,' suggested her ladyship.

  'The captain's locked the door and taken the key with him,' replied thefootman; 'he said he'd be back in a day or two.'

  'Back in a (hiccup) or two!' observed Sir Harry. 'Where is he gone?'

  The man smiled.

  '_Borrowed_,' observed Captain Quod, with an emphasis.

  'Indeed!' exclaimed Sir Harry, adding, 'well, I thought that was Nabbum'sgig with the old grey.'

  'He'll not be back in a hurry,' observed Bouncey. 'He'll be like theBoulogne gents, who are always going to England, but never do.'

  'Poor Wax!' observed Quod; 'he's a big fool, to give him his due.'

  'If you give him his due it's more than he gives other people, it seems.'observed Miss Howard.

  'Oh, fie, Miss H.!' exclaimed Captain Seedeybuck.

  'Well, but the (hiccup) man must have a (hiccup) bed somewhere,' observedSir Harry; adding to the footman, 'you'd better (hiccup) the door open, youknow.'

  'Perhaps you'd better try what one of yours will do,' observed BobSpangles, to the convulsion of the company.

  In the midst of their mirth Mr. Bottleends was seen piloting Mr. Sponge upto her ladyship.

  'Mr. Sponge, my lady,' said he in as low and deferential a tone as if hegot his wages punctually every quarter-day.

  'How do you do. Mr. Sponge?' said her ladyship, tendering him her hand withan elegant curtsey.

  'How are you, Mr. (hiccup) Sponge?' asked Sir Harry, offering his; 'Ibelieve you know the (hiccup) company?' continued he, waving his handaround; 'Miss (hiccup) Glitters, Captain (hiccup) Quod, Captain Bouncey,Mr. (hiccup) Bugles, Captain (hiccup) Seedeybuck, and so on'; whereuponMiss Glitters curtsied, the gentlemen bobbed their heads and drew near ourhero, who had now stationed himself before the fire.

  'Coldish to-night,' said he, stooping, and placing both hands to the bars.'Coldish,' repeated he, rubbing his hands and looking around.

  'It generally is about this time of year, I think,' observed Miss Glitters,who was quite ready to enter for our friend.

  'Hope it won't stop hunting,' said Mr. Sponge.

  'Hope not,' replied Sir Harry; 'would be a bore if it did.'

  'I wonder you gentlemen don't prefer hunting in a frost,' observed MissHoward; 'one would think it would be just the time you'd want a goodwarming.'

  'I don't agree with you, there,' replied Mr. Sponge, looking at her, andthinking she was not nearly so pretty as Miss Glitters.

  'Do you hunt to-morrow?' asked he of Sir Harry, not having been able toobtain any information at the stables.

  '(Hiccup) to-morrow? Oh, I dare say we shall,' replied Sir Harry, who kepthis hounds as he did his carriages, to be used when wanted. 'Dare say weshall,' repeated he.

  But though Sir Harry spoke thus encouragingly of their prospects, he tookno steps, as far as Mr. Sponge could learn, to carry out the design.Indeed, the subject of hunting was never once mentioned, the conversationafter dinner, instead of being about the Quorn, or the Pytchley, or JackThompson with the Atherstone, turning upon the elegance and lighting of theCasinos in the Adelaide Gallery and Windmill Street, and the relativemerits of those establishments over the Casino de Venise in High Holborn.Nor did morning produce any change for the better, for Sir Harry and allthe captains came down in their usual flashy broken-down player-lookingattire, their whole thoughts being absorbed in arranging for a pool atbilliards, in which the ladies took part. So with billiards, brandy, and''baccy,'--''baccy,' brandy, and billiards, varied with an occasionalstroll about the grounds, the non-sporting inmates of Nonsuch Housebeguiled the time, much to Mr. Sponge's disgust, whose soul was on fire andeager for the fray. The reader's perhaps being the same, we will skipChristmas and pass on to New Year's Day.