by Dyble, S R
The thought of forgetting him, sliced through me and made me feel sick. Not knowing Kit ever again scared the hell out of me and it made me hate myself that I’d grown so attached to him.
I hated him, I hated him for not only lying to me but making me love him. I felt sick every day now and it made me hate him more because that was his fault too. I couldn’t eat without feeling sick, it got so bad that I couldn’t smell food cooking because it made me physically sick.
“You should go see a doctor about these symptoms, hun, they sound to me like symptoms of post-traumatic stress. You shouldn’t be being physically sick,” Lilly said as I sipped on my water.
Shaking my head, I took a seat on my bed. “No more doctors,” I said simply.
That night marked the second week of not being able to wash my hair and the thought of having to go to hospital to have my stitches removed made me heave.
Thankfully, I didn’t need to go into hospital because they’d sent out an on-call nurse who dealt with things such as removing stitches whilst at home. The second she’d left, Lilly accompanied me to the bathroom where I bent over the bath and tried not to be sick as she gently washed my hair.
“Do you think you’re ready to go back to college?” Lilly asked.
I was due to return to college the next day. Although I knew Kit wasn’t going be there, I wasn’t sure I was ready. Everything about college would remind me of him and if that wasn’t bad enough, I hadn’t even had the confidence to leave my room, never mind the house.
I hissed as Lilly ran the water over where my stitches had been removed.
“Sorry, hun,” she said, rinsing my hair some more.
It was only a quick wash but I felt so much better for it. It felt as if all of the grief and nastiness had been washed away out of my hair and I ran my fingers through the silkiness as Lilly smiled at me.
“Kit won’t be there... He’s moved onto something else,” I said to Lilly, answering her question from earlier.
“How do you know?”
“I just know,” I said, hoping she’d leave it at that, and she did. After all, we’d agreed to never talk about the Carson brothers again. I hated lying to her, but Nick had made it clear. The more people who knew about Delta, the more people who would need protecting. I’d do anything to keep Lilly safe. Even if it meant lying to my best friend.
* * *
That night I laid out what I was going to wear the next day to college, something I never did. I was so nervous that I started planning how the day would go and motivating myself, telling myself I could do it.
By the next morning, I had to drag myself from my bed and use my egging on techniques to get myself up and dressed.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I was thankful that my face had pretty much cleared up apart from a little bruising. The story would be that I’d fallen down a flight of stairs and I’d of course really hurt myself… That would explain the still clear mark on my forehead and the bruising to my face.
I managed breakfast with my grandparents, listened to their words of wisdom, and rejected my grandad's offer of escorting me to college. It wasn’t until I left the front door that I felt like the little girl who needed someone to hold my hand. I watched every corner to see what car came around it. Paranoid that another van may come speeding over to take me once again. At one point I actually turned around and headed back for the door but something brought me back and I pushed myself all the way to the bus stop, trying to forget the fact that Kit used to pick me up instead of needing to catch the bus.
I hated him so much, that hatred brought the familiar feeling of nausea which I thought I’d got rid of. Taking deep breaths, I managed to ease it as I got onto the bus and stared at every face on it to try and make out everyone’s character. In the end, I settled on two faces that I could imagine being serial killers or gang members and I sat furthest away from them.
My phone buzzed again for the third time and I smiled as I saw each of Lilly’s texts, telling me I had this shit and that I could do it. Typing a quick reply back, I pressed send and went back to taking deep breaths.
I was going to do this if it killed me, but as I sat there daydreaming, Ralph’s face came into my mind and I had to close my eyes to rid myself of his disgusting smirk.
Opening them, I looked out of the window and focused on a car parked up across the road, it looked so familiar as I stared at it closely. The bus started moving and I couldn’t turn my head far enough around to see it. I shook off the thought, I was even seeing his car now, I had to get my shit together…
Anxiety built as the bus reached town and it got even worse when I got off and neared college because it wasn’t far from where I’d been kidnapped. I considered heading back home when I saw a car that looked exactly like Kit’s parked down the side of college.
It must have been a coincidence. It had to be, and once again I shook it off and headed inside pulling up my big girl pants as I did.
The second I walked through the door I saw Maddison crossing my path. She knew about my ‘accident’ because she’d been texting me but nothing quite prepared me for the way she looked at me, as well as the way all of the other students looked at me as I passed them.
“Jesus, Eve, your face!” Maddison approached me.
“Yeah, it’s pretty bad.” I smiled at her, trying to act casual.
“Is everything healed now?” She looked me over to make sure there was nothing else obvious.
“You can see where the stitches were,” I said pointing to my forehead. “I had some more at the back of my head, they had to shave my hair, so I’m hoping it can’t be seen."
Maddison nodded then and turned me gently so she could look at the back of my hair whilst I messed with it.
“You can’t tell at all,” she reassured me and I nodded, smiling.
“You ready?”
No, I wasn’t. I wanted to go back home and forget all about college, but I couldn’t say that to Maddison. I put on a brave face and stared up at the staircase before following her up them and to our classroom.
“Eve,” Chris said the second he saw me and he even got up from where he was lounging on the table in front.
I gave him a brief smile and hoped the encounter would be over quickly so everyone could stop ogling me and get on with their day.
“How you feeling?” he asked.
“Like I fell down two flights of stairs,” I chuckled, trying to ease the tension and I was glad when the rest of the class laughed.
I’d succeeded in following through with my lie.
“Well, you look great,” he smiled friendly and as I was about to answer my full body stuck to the floor like a piece of ice.
“Yeah, she does,” was all I’d heard for my body to react that way.
I suddenly felt increasingly sick and as I managed to turn around, I saw him standing in the doorway, looking as perfect as ever. Although, on closer inspection, he looked ill, like he hadn’t slept for weeks.
He took me in as I turned. From head to toe, he examined me, before looking back to my eyes where he stared longingly into them. It made me look away long enough to question myself. Why the hell was he here? Was he here just to torment me?
His mission had ended, and by his mission, I meant me.
Therefore, he had no reason to be at college at all and I wanted to confront him and shove him back out of the room but with everyone’s eyes glued to us, I took my seat and tried to figure out what the hell I was going to do.
If I left my college course now, I’d have nothing to show for myself, if I gave up now then what would the point be?
But I couldn’t be in the same class as Kit, I just couldn’t. I knew that for sure.
Before too long, Chris had assigned today’s work and called for me so he could explain what I’d missed over the last few weeks.
I listened carefully, although I could feel Kit’s eyes drilling a hole into the back of my head and it made me overly paranoid.
No
dding, I listened to the last of what Chris had to say before collecting some printed papers he’d offered me.
“I’m gonna go work in the library, so I can get it done quicker,” I told him.
“Sure,” he nodded and I left quickly, grabbing my bag and careful not to look at Kit. I rushed down the corridor only to hear Chris calling after me.
“Yeah?” I asked, looking behind him to make sure Kit hadn’t followed.
“Is everything okay? I mean with you and him?”
I nodded, although it was anything but okay.
“We’re not together anymore,” I answered, turning my attention to the window.
“Sorry to hear that,” he answered and I looked directly at him.
“No, you’re not."
It made Chris smile but all I could do was scowl at him. The last thing I needed was more of a reminder of Kit.
“I’ll be in the library,” I said before walking away.
As I sat working, I totally numbed my mind and focused purely on what laid before me. It was hard but I managed to do it until my head started hurting and my stomach growled for food.
It made me feel sick, the type of sick that made me feel as if I would literally puke if I didn’t get some food very soon.
It was something I was getting used to but it freaked me out, the fact that I hadn’t packed any food in my bag, meant I had to leave the library and get some.
There was a vending machine next to the canteen where I could get something small, but if I hadn’t felt sick already, I did when I saw Kit coming down the stairs. I watched him take a few steps and our eyes locked. It was enough for me to move faster and I almost sprinted to the canteen which was empty apart from me. I’d moved so fast that I felt even sicker and I hid beside the vending machine so he couldn’t see me.
Taking deep breaths, I managed to settle the feeling of being instantly sick and I waited, hoping to God that Kit would look in here and see I’m not here and move on.
After a few minutes, I settled on the fact he’d gone and I slid around the vending machine when I nearly screamed.
“You’re hiding from me. Really?” Kit eyed me and his eyes landed on the wound on my forehead.
It pissed me off for some reason and I glared at him.
“Why are you here?”
“This is my college…” he answered as if it was obvious.
“This isn’t your college, this was a mission and you finished it, you don’t need to be here."
The fact that he didn’t answer and he just stared at me made me want to run off but instead, I stood firm.
“Are you trying to taunt me?” I asked.
“Taunt you? Why would I want to do that, Eves?”
“Don’t call me that!” I snapped “You do not get to call me Eves."
I could see the hurt it had caused just by looking in his eyes and it was the weakest I’d ever seen him.
“I’m here to protect you, Eve, it’s my job."
The way he’d said ‘It’s my job’ somehow sounded far deeper than the orders he’d been given to protect me.
“Don’t lie to me, Kit, Nick came and spoke to me at the hospital, he told me I wouldn’t require any more protection."
“Nick doesn’t know everything, and I know, it was me who sent him."
“You shouldn’t be here,” I reminded him.
“I should, it’s not like I can just walk away from you, Eve."
“If you’re telling me the truth and you have been ordered to protect me, then I need to speak to whoever it is that’s given you these orders. It doesn’t sit well that a bunch of men I don’t even know are making decisions regarding my life. Plus, there must be someone else they can send, you’re the wrong guy to be sending."
Kit sighed. “You just don’t get it."
I shook my head and waited for him to explain.
“You’re everything to me, Eve, I can’t just walk away from you."
What he’d said hit me dead centre and once again I felt sick.
So sick that I had to get away from him because I was beginning to fall into his eyes like I had before. I was beginning to feel everything I’d put aside so that I could hate him more than anything else.
“Stop, just stop,” I warned him. “You don’t care anything for me, how could you?”
“Easily.” Kit cut me off and brought himself closer to me so that my body was pressed against the vending machine.
“You lied to me, you knew me all along, you knew my dad and listened to me sob over their loss and you knew everything!” I tried my hardest not to cry and as I felt myself weaken, I pulled myself back from it, determined not to let him make me cry.
“I know what I did, if there was anything I could have done so I didn’t have to lie to you then I would have. It wasn’t my intentions to fall in love with you, Eve."
“But it was your intentions to pull me under your wing, just like you did here last year with that other girl?”
“What?” Kit eyed me and waited for me to explain.
“Don’t even try and lie to me, Kit. I know what happened last year and it’s clear to me that I was just another one of those-”
“No,” he cut me off again and got so close that our noses were practically touching.
“You were not just a mission to me, Eve. Maybe in the beginning because I cared about your father but I didn’t pretend to like you and take your virginity as part of this fucking mission I had to keep from you!”
I shook my head, although I’d heard everything, I still couldn’t believe a word he’d said.
“I don’t believe you, you’re a liar and you’re trained for this. Why can’t you just leave me alone, you’ve hurt me enough."
Again, I saw the same hurt in Kit’s eyes and I had to be careful not to believe it.
“I never wanted to hurt you, Eve, I swear it."
“And you promised me you never would."
I remembered it well, Kit promised me he wouldn’t hurt me knowing full well he was lying to me. It made it hurt so much more and I pushed at his chest as I noticed his moment of weakness.
“I suggest you talk to the men you work for and tell them I’m no longer your mission, I’m here actually trying to be someone, you being here isn’t fair."
“It’d be pointless, I’m here with or without their say, it means nothing to me."
He looked defeated and he didn’t even look me in the eyes, instead, he looked away and didn’t stop me as I broke free from his capture.
Each step that I took away from him made my heart rip a little more, and I didn’t know it could hurt anymore but with the intensity of the aching in my chest along with my burning anxiety, I felt sicker than I had earlier and I ran up the flight of stairs to the toilets.
There I dry heaved into the toilet until something finally came up. It was my breakfast and by the looks of it, every last shred of the tiny amount of food I’d eaten had come up.
Once my body finally stopped convulsing, I got to my feet and wiped my face clean, then headed to the sink where I filled my palm full of water and swilled my mouth with it. I felt awful and as I stared at myself in the mirror, I didn’t recognise myself at all.
I needed to go home, not only because I felt god-awful but because I couldn’t handle this. Maybe Lilly was right, I needed to see a doctor after all.
Making sure the coast was clear, I quickly made my getaway and sprinted all the way to the bus station where I quickly got on the bus and took out my phone.
I decided to text Maddison so she could let Chris know where I’d gone.
After speaking to my grandparents, I waited on the phone and bobbed my knees up and down as I waited to make a doctor’s appointment. I wasn’t left waiting long and after a short while, I was offered an appointment. The lady on the phone told me there had been a cancellation in the next hour so I took it.
I took it without actually thinking about it, and the panic set in. I hated going to the doctors because I hated sittin
g in a room with someone who was trying to figure me out. I’d had enough of that after my family had been murdered and it was like I was going through it again. Although this time, I was the one making the appointment and this time I was being physically sick due to the anxiety and the stress of it all.
I knew Lilly would want to know about my appointment, after all, it was her who had suggested I go. I wasn’t expecting her to text back telling me that she was going to pick me up and take me, and at first, I was going to decline her offer.
I didn’t though, because sitting on a bus with a bunch of people, feeling even more cautious and sick, wasn’t going to end very well. I had to battle whatever was going on in my head, but for today I planned to take the opportunity so I didn’t have to feel awful on the bus alone.
“Everything is going to be okay, you know that, right?” my grandad said from across me.
All I could do was nod because I didn’t want to give them any more reason to be worried. They’d had their fair share of stress in their lifetime and I was just adding to it.
“It’s totally normal for you to be going through this, Eve, you need to stop feeling bad about it,” my grandma said.
“I know,” I answered, again, not wanting to delve too deep into conversation with them. This is what I did, every time things got bad, I shut myself away and avoided all contact if possible.
“No, you don’t. I can see your mind working and you don’t think that it’s okay for you to be feeling like this. You’re not a burden and you need to talk to us or you’ll just get worse."
All I could do was nod as I began crying, because everything was so overwhelming and I knew the main reason why I was crying, was because of Kit. I hurt so much because of him and my body yearned so badly to be in his arms and fighting it was soul destroying.
“Do you want me to come with you?” my grandma asked from over my shoulder, she was hugging me hard and cradling my head gently with her hand.
