by Dyble, S R
“No,” I said, pulling away and wiping my face.
“Thank you, though.” I smiled and got up. I could see Lilly’s car parked up outside and I gathered my things to meet her.
“You okay?” She looked at me sympathetically and I nodded.
We drove away from my house in silence and taking my drink from my bag I sipped on it.
“You don’t think you’re pregnant, do you?”
I legit spit the little amount of water out of my mouth like a full-on spray and Lilly complained as it hit against her dashboard.
“What?!” I questioned her, but she looked dead casual.
“Just hear me out,” she held her hand up before returning it to the gear stick.
“You’ve been feeling sick a hell of a lot and you’ve actually been sick now."
“Yes, because of the anxiety. That’s why I’m seeing a doctor, remember?”
She nodded and sort of pied it off. “I know, it was just a thought. I’m sure you never had unprotected sex but it’s not impossible."
As I sat there in silence a memory played in my head, the memory of me and Kit alone in his shower and him passionately making love to me against the tiles. The thought hurt every part of my being and as the scene continued like a torturous video with no stop button, I remembered that we had, in fact, had unprotected sex.
“Eve?” Lilly hacked into my mind for what seemed like the third time of trying and I stared over at her.
“Wait,” she looked from me back to the road and then back again.
“You didn’t have unprotected sex, did you?”
I shook my head, trying to pass it off, “It was just one time, we only had sex a handful of times, no way could that have…”
I stopped talking because I knew how stupid it sounded, of course one time was enough. It wasn’t likely but it was definitely possible enough. I remembered all of those lectures in Sex-Ed about it only taking one time to get pregnant and as I thought about the actual word, I felt sick.
Pregnant.
“Eve?” Lilly tried pulling my attention towards her once again but I was too lost in thought and panic.
“There’s only one way to find out,” she told me and I stared back at her before nodding.
The new information I’d gathered was already eating away at me from the inside out, I needed to get rid of it so I could return to the first theory. All of the sickness and feeling generally unwell was because of the stress and anxiety, and that was it.
“Forget the doctors,” I said as I bit against my knuckle. “Take me to ASDA."
“You sure?” Lilly asked and I nodded.
It was like a scene from ‘Knocked up’ as we entered ASDA. The scene where both women pelted through the supermarket and cleared the shelf of pregnancy tests. Only with us, I was desperate to conceal the fact I was buying one, so I took it to the pharmacy part of the store and paid for the tests whilst it was empty.
Having the tests bagged, I stared at Lilly who was on her way to the confectionary aisle.
“If we’re gonna do this, I need chocolate,” she commented and I wanted to drag her arse away with me.
Instead, I followed her and paused at the beginning of the aisle as I remembered mine and Kit’s last encounter down this very aisle. It was everything I saw, everything I did, everything reminded me of him and it made me hate him all the more.
I was thankful when Lilly got her chocolate and paid for it so we could get the hell out of the store and get home.
Of course, I couldn’t go to my house. My grandparents would not only possibly see my bag full of tests but they’d question me about the doctor’s appointment, the doctor’s appointment that I’d missed to go and buy pregnancy tests.
I suddenly realised how pathetic I’d been, I had gotten so caught up on the fact that I could be possibly pregnant, that I’d acted impulsively. I knew then that I wasn’t pregnant but as Lilly pulled up to her house, I got out with full intentions of taking each test anyway.
“Those things are so frikkin’ expensive that women must wish they’re pregnant just to get their money’s worth,” Lilly commented as we entered her house and I eyed her.
“Seriously?” I questioned her and she looked at me sympathetically.
“Sorry, hun, look, stop worrying. Everything is going to be okay.” She came up beside me and held onto my arm as I looked forward into Lilly’s house.
Lilly’s parents had a huge house, and they’d earnt it. They both had killer jobs and had worked for the money they’d made to buy such a nice house. It was a shame they were hardly ever here to appreciate it, today being one of those days. I was thankful they weren’t here, though, it meant I could use the toilet and talk to Lilly without having to worry about anyone hearing.
I found myself wasting time, purely because I was too nervous to take the tests. I drank a full bottle of orange juice from Lilly’s fridge, using the excuse that I didn’t need a wee, therefore, I needed to drink as much as possible.
“You’re stalling now, Eves,” Lilly said from the kitchen table. It was a hard fact, one that I knew to be true, and I hopped off of the kitchen counter and confronted the bag on the kitchen table.
“I dunno why I’m even worried,” I said, picking it up. “We’ll be laughing about this afterwards,” I said as I walked away.
Well, maybe it would take more than a short while for us to laugh about it. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to laugh again.
I hurt so bad and as I sat on the toilet and ripped the packet apart, I flipped
the lid off of the first test and lowered it between my legs as I thought about Kit.
I didn’t know why I’d thought about him, it was a weird thing to do whilst taking a piss but a part of me wondered what I’d do if I were magically pregnant. What would Kit do?
I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to see him again so I was thankful that I wasn’t going to be pregnant, because it wouldn’t work one bit. After finishing I popped the lid back onto the test and cleaned myself up before placing the test as far away from me as possible.
I attempted to count the three minutes in my head but it felt like a lifetime and instead, I started thinking about everything. About Kit and what we’d done together, how he’d made me feel so loved and how Ralph had torn me into shreds that night when he’d revealed Kit for what he really was. After everything I’d been through it all came back down to him because it was the part that hurt the most. Not the stitches or the bruises to my face or body, not the trauma of being kidnapped again but the fact that the one I’d fallen for wasn’t who I thought he was. Plus, there was the added fact that my parents weren’t who I knew them to be, either.
What if I was pregnant? They wouldn’t be around to be grandparents…
I had to stop myself there because I was becoming far too invested in this vision I’d created. In an act to rid myself of these thoughts, I approached the test like a boss, ready to show Lilly and be done with it.
Instead, I took one look at the test and then looked again before raking the bathroom bin for the packaging I’d shoved in there.
After retrieving it, I stared at the packet and then back at the test before realisation set in as to what two lines meant and I yelled so loud it made the lightbulb ring.
“Fuck! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.” I dropped the test in the sink and backed myself up against the wall where I slid down and encased my head into my hands. Shortly after the door swung open and a well-prepared ninja in the form of Lilly searched the room until she settled on me and the test in the sink.
“It has to be wrong!” I said, getting up.
Lilly had picked up the test and was now staring at the two lines mocking me, she then looked at me as shock coated her face and I saw her gulp.
“These things don’t tend to be wrong, hun."
“No,” I said, not wanting to believe it.
“I’ve got another wee left in me, I’ll do another,” I said, pushing past her to grab another test
.
She nodded and didn’t move as I lowered my arse to the seat once more and peed on the second test.
“Give it here,” she said after I’d placed the lid back onto the second test.
I did as she said and discreetly wiped myself dry as Lilly stared at the test.
As I saw the look on her face, I looked over her shoulder to see yet another set of double lines.
“My fucking God!” I swore over and over, then I started pacing the bathroom before sitting on the side of the bath.
“You have a serious potty mouth, you can’t swear like that if you have a baby!”
“What am I gonna do?” I asked.
We’d sat in silence for long enough, my part had been staring at the tiled flooring in the kitchen whilst Lilly sat at the table staring at me.
“I donno, hun, I suppose there are only two things you can do."
I stared up at her then, knowing exactly what she’d meant.
“I don’t believe in abortions, Lil’, I could never…” I trailed off and caught my mouth with my hand.
“I’m pregnant with Kit’s child, with an actual baby,” I said it out loud and placed my hand on my stomach as if somehow, I would feel different by doing so.
“It explains the being sick and not being able to stand the smell of food cooking, I wonder how far on you are."
“I can’t believe we’re even discussing this, I can’t be pregnant."
“Well, you are, Eves. Like it or not, you are with child."
I kept silent as I stared at her, this was not happening.
“Are you going to tell him?” she asked and silence lingered longer as I looked at her.
The thought of coming out with something like that to Kit made my heart beat out of my chest.
“Maybe I don’t have to tell him,” I said without thinking, because the moment it came out of my mouth, I hated that I’d said it.
I’d only just found out about the life inside of me and already I loved it. I didn’t know how that could be possible but I did.
I wanted my baby to know their dad, even if we weren’t together.
“Forget I said that,” I said quickly before Lilly could comment on it.
“I have to tell him, I just don’t know how."
“You don’t have to tell him straight away, maybe give it some time."
I nodded and began planning out my life in my head, I started thinking about what I would do with a baby and how I could look after it.
I had to tell my grandparents too, it was so messed up but all I knew was that for whatever reason, I wanted this baby. I wasn’t going to give it up for anyone. I hadn’t decided anything so quickly in all of my life.
It scared the shit out of me.
Before Kit I had promised myself, I wouldn’t love anything again and that went out of the window when I’d exposed my heart to Kit, only for it to be broken. Without even knowing it I’d given it away once again, wholeheartedly.
After what seemed like forever sitting with Lilly, I rang the doctors for some advice and apologised for missing my appointment.
I was told that unless I had any pains or problems then I could refer myself to the midwife.
They also asked me if I could work out how many weeks I was judging by my last period and after I’d told them my last period, they went on to tell me that I was currently eight weeks pregnant judging by the date I’d given.
Thanking them I’d written down the midwife’s number and made that my next phone call as Lilly sat and listened intensely.
“You okay?” she mouthed and I nodded, she must have seen the look on my face and had felt the need to ask. I was indeed massively overwhelmed and the full thing hadn’t even settled in my head yet and I was preparing for it by making phone calls.
“I’m eight weeks,” I told her as I sat waiting for someone to pick up.
Lilly beamed at me and I wasn’t sure why, it was the first time she looked genuinely happy about me being pregnant.
“What?” I asked her.
“You’re gonna be a Mummy, Eves,” she smiled and I let it settle in. I couldn’t not smile back at her, even if the statement did terrify me. As I sat there listening to the ringing in my ear, I imagined myself holding a little baby, my baby, and part of me felt immense love whilst the other half of me felt pure fear.
I couldn’t believe I’d allowed this to happen, we’d only had unprotected sex one time. That was it!
One damn time…
I couldn’t believe that it had been enough.
“You really should eat something,” Lilly said as I sat at the table with her.
I’d stayed overnight at Lilly’s house and I’d felt bad for it because I was intentionally trying to avoid my grandparents.
I just didn’t know how to tell them yet and I’d spent all night on Lilly’s couch sitting in her pyjamas whilst my clothes from the day before were being washed for today.
All that time I’d tried to figure out how I would tell them, and how I would tell him.
I’d lied to my grandparents, I’d told them that I didn’t feel well, therefore, I missed my doctor’s appointment and came to Lilly’s house instead. I couldn’t believe they’d believed my bullshit, but they did. I felt awful for lying to them but I had no choice.
I suppose it wasn’t a complete lie, I did feel ill – ill with nerves…
“Are you sure you wanna go to college today, won’t Kit be there?”
Another lie I’d told recently, and that being that Lilly had no idea about me and Kit and why we’d split up.
I nodded. “He will be, but I’ve gotten good at ignoring him. I’ve been working in the library and it’s the perfect excuse to ignore him until I’m ready to tell him. I may be pregnant but I’ve decided to finish my course, I’m gonna be a photographer someday…”
Eyeing the toast in front of me I felt my stomach swivel at the thought of eating it but I knew I had to because I wasn’t just taking care of myself anymore but my baby as well.
I shook my head as I thought about the last part – my baby, and I wondered if it would ever settle in.
“Do you have to work today?” I asked Lilly, hoping to change the subject.
“Yeah, I have a long appointment this afternoon."
I nodded and gulped down some toast before taking another bite.
With each mouthful, I took a sip of water and closed my eyes because I felt so sick with nerves that I couldn’t even bring myself to eat properly.
“You sure you can do this?” Lilly asked as we both stared up at my college building from her car.
“I have to,” I answered. “I wanna finish this course before I have the baby so that I actually have something I can get a job with."
I looked over at her and wished I could just stay in the car with her and never face any problems again for the rest of my life, but that wasn’t who I was. I wasn’t fighting for myself anymore, but I was fighting for my baby and they deserved a mother who actually did something.
Taking my bag, I got out of the car and thanked Lilly for bringing me.
Giving me a gentle nod, she smiled and waited until I shut the door.
Three wholehearted breaths later and I took the first steps into the college building and didn’t stop until my arse hit my seat in my classroom.
“Oh, Eve,” Chris said as he entered the room.
“Feeling better today?” he asked as he placed his laptop on his desk.
I nodded. “Sorry about yesterday."
“It’s okay,” he smiled and left me alone, something I was thankful for because he’d caught me mid-preparation. My preparation being mentally preparing myself to see Kit once again.
I’d decided I wasn’t going to tell him until after my first midwife appointment but as he entered the room and his eyes instantly met mine, I realised just how hard that was going to be.
This man was the father to my baby and I had to hold back the need to cradle my stomach protectively. What if Kit
didn’t want this baby?
What if it would be enough to rid of him for good?
The thought hurt like nothing else, because of all the times I’d wished for Kit to leave me alone, him rejecting my baby hurt more than anything. I didn’t want my baby to be the reason for him finally leaving me alone.
“Right, today we’re gonna have a throwback.” Chris caught my attention and I stopped daydreaming to realise everyone had now taken their seats and was listening to Chris as he started the lesson.
“Those photos you all took on the subjects you were given- we’re gonna pick one photo today from each of yours and use them."
In that second, I froze l as I stared at the screen and saw one of Kit’s pictures blown up on the screen.
“Eve, we’re going to use one of the photos taken of you as an example, is that okay?” Chris asked.
I couldn’t tell him how much it wasn’t okay, I couldn’t swear at him and tell him to fucking pick someone else from the class because it would have been pure stupid. Instead, I nodded and lowered my head as I felt everyone’s eyes on me.
“Kit, do you mind?” Chris then casually asked Kit and I wanted to get up and smack him. Chris knew we weren’t together anymore, it was like he was purposely rubbing salt into the wound to remind Kit of it.
“Be my guest.” Kit answered casually as if it didn’t bother him at all.
It was at that moment that without even turning around, I figured maybe Kit was actually starting to forget about us and move on.
He didn’t sound like he’d cared at all and even though it was what I’d wanted it hurt so much to feel that he didn’t care at all.
I made the stupid mistake of glancing around at him a short while later only to see him with his lips to the girl’s ear beside him, he was whispering something and afterwards the blonde-haired girl with short hair, I think her name was Kate, started giggling.
Kit’s eyes locked with mine just as he pulled away from her ear and I moved my head so fast that I wasn’t sure If I was going to be sick.
It wasn’t the fast movement that had me feeling sick, but the gut-wrenching pain that I’d felt over my body and at that moment, I honestly couldn’t handle it anymore.
