The Shadow of a Dream

by Molly Lavenza

His head turned quickly from one side to another, as if he was concerned that someone had heard my words. We were the only ones in the hallway, a sure sign that we were both very definitely late for class, but math was the last thing on either of our minds.

  “What was it you saw, when I touched you? I assure you, I only did so because you would have fallen and hit your head on the floor. I could never allow harm to come to you.”

  Was he saying that he didn’t know who she was? Was she someone who came into our futures later, as opposed to someone he already knew and could explain? A shared future where we were in a landscape now unfamiliar to me, one he was leading me through but without hope for what was to happen next?

  Maybe I should have been scared, as I was when I saw the terrifying events to come in the lives of everyone else who had ever touched me. It wasn’t always a death, but was always the worst thing that was ever going to happen to them, and nearly impossible for me to explain afterwards.

  “We need to get to class, and standing here talking about stuff that makes no sense to me isn’t getting us any closer to that room down the hall.”

  I pointed towards the 200 hall of rooms, and Declan followed my gesture. I knew that if I didn’t take charge of the situation, although he had been leading me all morning, we would end up in detention and unable to talk after school at all.

  “I don’t live far from here, and when I’m not too sick, I like to walk, so if you’re up for talking on the way home . . .”

  The words came out before I realized that I didn’t know where he lived or how he got to school.

  “I would appreciate that, and the opportunity to tell you more. We don’t have much time,” he shook his head as he spoke, but before I could agree, since I wasn’t sure if the math teacher was one who fell into the giving detentions on the first day group or the first day forgiveness one, he rested one of his hands on his forehead and kept talking.

  “No, we don’t have much time at all.”

  Utterly confused, I backed a little ways into the restroom, and from the open space, watched Declan wander away, his head bowed as if in prayer.

  My shirt was crumpled in my hands, and I shook it out a little as I stood in front of the restroom mirror for the second time that day. I must have twisted it up as I spoke with Declan, the stress from our conversation showing in the wrinkles over the cartoon characters’ faces.

  One of the stall doors banged open and I slumped. I didn’t really need anyone in here watching my change shirts, but time was of the essence so I tucked my clean shirt between my knees, holding my legs close together so it wouldn’t fall to the floor, and pulled one of my arms through the shirt I was wearing.

  “Where’s your new boyfriend?”

  “If I had him following me around, I wouldn’t leave him alone for a second.”

  “Make sure you don’t accidentally ingest any of that ice cream. We wouldn’t want you to have an allergic reaction.”

  Three girls loomed behind me in the mirror, one speaking right after the final words of the first. Between Melissa and her sidekick’s performance earlier and this very moment, I was beginning to wonder if I wasn’t trapped in some really bad 80s teen film.

  Tammy whose last name I couldn’t remember spoke the final two sentences, a reminder that I had, back in fifth grade, barfed up a chunk of ice cream cake at a birthday party. Unfortunately for Tammy, she had been sitting beside me, and ended up with a pile of undigested chocolate and vanilla ice cream with fudge and cookie crumbles in her lap.

  Her screams had been the stuff of gossip not just through our middle school years but even into high school.

  I was used to passive aggressive bullying on a daily basis, but the big stuff was more often than not a weekly occurrence. The sneers that met my gaze in the mirror warned me that my predictable school experience was about to change.

  Chapter Ten

  “So what’s your secret?”

  Tammy’s face loomed in the mirror, her dark pink lipstick standing out starkly from her pale skin. She was short and thin like me, but possessed a movie star smile that worked miracles of manipulation when she chose to use it. Right now, her lips puckered in disapproval. Looking away, I focused on removing my sticky shirt, ignoring her question.

  “Are you deaf now, along with all of your other problems? Don’t think you can ignore me and get away with it, Hopeless.”

  Fumbling to roll my dirty shirt into a ball and switch it out with the clean one between my knees, I caught a glimpse of myself, in just my flesh-toned bra from the waist up, and kept moving, pulling my clean Powerpuff shirt over my head.

  Before I could shove my arms into the sleeves, one of the girls smacked the back of my head and I stopped as my head snapped forward. There’s no way any of them would have touched me, and since nothing flickered in my mind at the contact, whoever was responsible must have used a book or something else to do the deed.

  “It’s not nice to ignore someone when they’re asking you a question,” Tammy intoned, and I carefully slid my arms out and tugged the neckline over my face. The room tilted as I took deep breaths to steady myself after the force of that hit. After years of dealing with bullies, I knew there was no point in asking why, so I kept silent.

  “There’s no way a boy like that would be interested in you. You know that, don’t you? I mean, what do you have to offer? We all just saw your little training bra. You’re not pretty and you’re not smart.”

  I took the balled up shirt in my hand and waited for what was to come. If I tried to run away, it would only get worse, and with three of them against me, I didn’t stand a chance if they wanted to do more than hit me in the back of the head.

  “What you are,” Tammy smirked, taking small but purposeful steps around me, her gaze moving from our reflections in the mirror directly to my face. “Is crazy.”

  Both of her companions sneered, and one of them chuckled a little. Sure enough, a textbook drooped from the tips of one of the girls’ fingers. No wonder my ears were still ringing from that smack.

  “Shut up!” Tammy hissed, and I held back a smile. I might be alone except for Corrie, but at least I didn’t have so-called friends who talked to me like that.

  “You seriously have nothing to say?”

  Her attention returned to me, and my long, sad experiences with her type made me keep my mouth shut. Nothing I said was going to help, and she and I both knew it. Even her idiot followers knew it.

  “Uh, what was the question, Tam?”

  Maybe I was wrong about that, I considered as the girl who had laughed spoke up.

  “Stop talking. I don’t want to hear a word from either one of you, got it?”

  Tammy held an index finger up in the air in front of the girls like they were dogs in training, and they nodded, their heads shifting back on their necks as if they were afraid Tammy would actually tap them on the nose with that finger.

  How many days left until graduation? I wondered, distracting myself from reality by picturing a calendar and beginning to count the actual school days until the end of May.

  Slamming the palm of her hand against the mirror, Tammy brought my attention back to her face, which wore a sickly sweet fake smile.

  “Now, we’re all friends here, and I’m just curious. Why won’t you tell me about your boy? He’s too cute to be bothered with you when he can have a real woman like me.”

  I knew that Declan’s interest in me wasn’t physical, but I couldn’t deny that his looks and more importantly, his charm, were getting to me. He might not be attracted to me, but I was, without a doubt, looking forward to being close to him again. Heck, I was inches away from initiating a kiss only a few minutes ago, and he didn’t look like he would have backed away if I had.

  “You shouldn’t be so selfish. If you really like him, let him spend time with me and see who he prefers. You know that saying, if you love something, set it free?”

  Tammy’s words made no sense in the context of our situation, bu
t I wasn’t about to risk further bodily harm by explaining that to her.

  One of the other girls started to walk off, moving back towards the restroom stalls.

  “What are you doing, Stef?” Tammy barked, shifting her weight to one leg and putting her hands on her hips. The go-to teenage girl stance for establishing authority, I had learned years ago.

  “To pee. Is that okay?”

  Tammy rolled her eyes. Why did these girls follow her? If you needed to ask your friend for permission to use a toilet, maybe that relationship needed some re-evaluation.

  “Got your back, Tam,” Thing Two nodded as she offered her reassurance, and Tammy shot her a venomous look.

  “As if I need help dealing with Hopeless Hope here. A toddler could knock her down.”

  She made a good point, one that wasn’t really validated by her actions, considering that she had two friends in there with her, and I was alone. One on one was never any bully’s style, so I wasn’t surprised.

  I was, however, tired of this and of waiting for Tammy to deliver whatever emotional or physical blow she had in mind, so I took a few steps away from her, not caring what would happen when and if she noticed. She was so busy attempting to keep her ducks in a row that I thought I might be able to escape without further interaction.

  “I’m not done with you!”

  No such luck. Luck wasn’t ever on my side, and it was wishful thinking to expect otherwise. I kept walking, though, as if I hadn’t heard her.

  “Hey, you need to tell me about that boy! What hold do you have over him?”

  That stopped me, my mind halting along with my feet.

  What hold did I have over Declan?

  Of everything I needed to ask him, perhaps this was the one question that could encompass everything. I couldn’t help the smile that crept across my face as I turned to face her, with no idea what I could possibly say to shut her down, or if it really was my responsibility to do so.

  If I managed to get out of the restroom with no further injury, it would be a victory, but a hollow one if Tammy still wanted to get me alone for further questioning.

  There was no way to predict when and how any of my classmates would accost me, just because they could. If I managed to take control of one possibility, it would be a first.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

  The words slipped out, smoothly over my tongue as if I had said them a thousand times before. Tammy’s mouth fell open and she raised a fist in the air in front of her chest, but she said nothing for a few moments while the other girls shifted from one foot to the other, looking from Tammy to me and back again.

  I didn’t let too much time pass before taking advantage of their shock to make a getaway, one that showed no fear of or consideration for those I was leaving behind.

  With a smile, I continued my stride towards the hallway, expecting but unafraid of what any or all of them might do while I had my back to them.

  Nothing happened, at least until I stepped into the hallway, which I expected to be empty. I might not have seen the figure I crashed into, but I knew who it was instantly when flashes of flames and heat threatened to suffocate me.

  “Get off me!”

  Melissa shoved at me with her Sperry-clad foot as I panted, on the floor on my hands and knees in an instant after we had made contact. I was still holding my balled-up shirt in my hands, squeezing it hard against the rush of sensation that came and went so quickly.

  Recovering from a vision took varying lengths of time, but Melissa’s future was horrific, and thanks to her middle school efforts to harass me, she knew exactly how terrible it was going to be.

  I managed to calm my breathing and look up at her, unable to hold back the pity that overwhelmed me when her death showed itself to me again. It didn’t matter how many times I suffered through it; I knew I would return to my own boring, safe life, while Melissa would never recover from this painful and violent end.

  Worse, she was destined to die alone, and because my younger self knew no better than to tell what I saw, she carried these details in her mind and heart as well.

  Chapter Eleven

  Tammy loomed over me now, and with both her and Melissa, not to mention the other two that had to be somewhere close, I didn’t stand a chance at getting to precalc without being so late that I’d have no excuse, even on the first day.

  Being Hopeless Hope did grant me certain privileges, depending on the sympathy of individual teachers, but I wasn’t sure how far that would get me.

  Honestly, a detention was the least of my worries, not with my two biggest nemeses within kicking distance, and my ability to stand on my own completely compromised by the physical effects of Melissa’s death experience still shuddering through my body.

  “If you can change your fate, find a way. It’s too awful, even for you,” I sputtered without thinking, as the air began to fill my lungs more naturally. Melissa knew my warning was for her, just as she had in fifth grade when I first suffered through the vision.

  “Shut up. You’re a lunatic, and no one believes anything you say. Just shut up!”

  A classroom door opened across the hall, and I couldn’t see which teacher it was who wore the scuffed, black high-heeled shoes that clacked on the floor since my gaze was limited to how high I was able to lift my head, which wasn’t much.

  “What’s all this racket? Why aren’t you girls in class?”

  I kept my head down, but forced my eyes to stay open. Closing them, I had learned the hard way over the years, only kept the vision going longer. The shoes moved closer at a sharp clip, and when the teacher squatted down beside me, I silently begged that she wouldn’t touch me.

  “Hope? Are you sick again? Let’s get you to the office so you can go home.”

  Go home.

  It was every teacher and school administrator’s suggestion, or rather, desire, that I leave and take my myriad of problems with me. The zero tolerance for bullying actually was a zero tolerance for those of us who were bullied or exhibited problems not easily managed by the adults in our lives.

  “No,” I breathed loudly, and sat back on my heels. I didn’t bother to look at Tammy or Melissa.

  “Well, then, why don’t you all get back to class. The first day is so important, and you don’t want to miss any of the material and information. Restroom visits need to be shorter in the future, do you understand?”

  I pushed off the floor with my hands and slowly stood, wiping my hands on the grubby shirt. Melissa and Tammy started to protest, but I just nodded to the teacher and walked away, forgoing a locker visit to head straight towards math class.

  And Declan.

  Concentrating on each step kept me focused on completely eradicating the vision from my thoughts, like an old movie reel that was worn and unclear in spots, ultimately leaving a blank screen with the ends of the film tape flipping around noisily.

  I had to banish the flapping sounds and the tingling in my lungs before I set my hand to the knob of the classroom door. After the cafeteria scene, I didn’t need any more attention today, or any day. Staying out of sight had its advantages, which I hadn’t appreciated until I became the center of attention and, just realizing it now, most likely the subject of any number of social media posts.

  With pictures, of course.

  Social media had no place in my life, obviously, and with no accounts of my own, I heard all about the insanity perpetuated by my classmates from Corrie. What horrors would she have to describe to me when I saw her next?

  “Hope. It’s an apt name your human guardians gave to you, and without any knowledge of your true identity, either.”

  Declan’s voice came from the shaded corner where two hallways met, a high window letting in little sun above it, and while I hadn’t expected to find him anywhere but in the classroom, I wasn’t surprised.

  As he stepped from the shadows, he seemed to materialize from thin air, his body moving and appearing in my vision bit by bit.

  I
didn’t bother to hold back my smile. This day already felt like the pilot of a TV show about hot new boys and the not-so-new everyday school bullies, with a dash of my usual hallucinatory interference, so why shouldn’t I just enjoy the good parts of it? The very good parts, which included one person.

  Watching him as he approached, it suddenly hit me that he had said something weird again.

  “Human parents? True identity?”

  I felt my smile remain intact, not faltering as I repeated Declan’s words. Pretty soon the rest of the school would get past his mysterious, pretty exterior and charming manner, focusing instead on what came out of his mouth.

  Unsure of how long he would last before becoming a target himself, I figured it would only be kind, as well as fair, to warn him about spouting off strange comments when others were around.

  When it was just the two of us, he could say whatever he wanted, but it would be helpful to have some clarification.

  I glanced around, making sure that no one else was near. The room we were supposed to be in was just in front of me, and the thin, vertical rectangle of a window on the door was covered in orange paper. No worries about already being seen from that camp.

  Before Declan could answer my question, I ushered him back into the corner and peeked up that hall as well.

  “You know how to make an entrance, you know?”

  He frowned, but his expression smoothed out quickly as if he suddenly understood.

  “We’re both going to spend this afternoon in detention. Well, if I make it until then. Usually I barely make it home before I have to take a nap.”

  Babbling was not my usual method of interacting with others, and I caught myself before I continued.

  “Seriously, can you explain what you’ve been saying all day? Any of it? You must know that it doesn’t make any sense.”

  His hand was dangerously close to my arm, but he held it still a few inches away. Thinking back on the ice cream incident, he had apologized for holding me, catching me before I fell onto my back and hit my head on the floor.