The Branded Criminal: In Search of Liberation

by Yakub Totanawala

  I had started on the journey of seeking forgiveness and doing the right thing. I wiped my face and said to Zaheer, ‘It’s your father’s turn now.’

  Zaheer gaped at me and closed his eyes. A water stream flowed out and dripped from his chin. He opened his eyes and joined his full two palms for me. I trembled from inside and outside.

  I admitted Saleem Saheb into a super-speciality hospital, and Zaheer stayed with him. Saleem Saheb received an artificial limb and arm. He cherished his movement ability. His emotional outburst peaked when he padded out of the ward by himself. He cried and uttered some verses. Zaheer said he expressed thankfulness. I blushed.

  Shankar, under my inspection, had arranged their new 1BHK abode at JP Nagar 5th Phase. I drove them to their new home. A housekeeper waited for us.

  ‘This is your house, with a maid at your service,’ I said. I asked the house cleaner of her timing arrangement.

  ‘Morning seven to evening 7, sir,’ she answered. I instructed her to take care of them. After his therapy sessions, Zaheer visited my office, and I introduced him to Shankar.

  ‘He is Zaheer. He can communicate in English, Kannada, Gujarati, Hindi and Urdu language. Train him. He’ll work as my assistant.’

  ‘Okay, Anna,’ said Shankar. He shook hands with Zaheer and took him under his wing.

  Cars fascinated Zaheer and he pressed Shankar to teach him driving. After obtaining his licence, he drove me to the office and back home daily. I enjoyed his closeness. One day, I hopped in the car and said, ‘Check this card. Take me to this place.’

  Zaheer fed the location on google maps. We reached “Girl Power,”an NGO that sheltered abandoned girl children. Zaheer guided me to the manager’s cabin, and I sauntered behind him.

  ‘Welcome, sir. Thank you for your humane gesture, sir. Here is our functioning information,’ she said and handed me a brochure. I scrolled through it.

  ‘Give me the expense details of one girl child.’

  ‘Sir, the break-up is mentioned on the 8th page. A child’s annual sponsorship including food, clothing, education, and infrastructure charges, would cost Rs 50,000. Thousands of abandoned kids live on the streets. Our building can accommodate 120 children, but due to lack of funds, 100 beds lay vacant.’

  ‘I see... I’ll sponsor 100 girls. Please adopt them and bring them in three days.’

  The lady gaped at me and stood up. She grabbed my hands, squeezed and shook them. With teary eyes, she showered praises on me, ‘Thank you so much, sir. You are an angel, sir.’

  ‘It is my pleasure to help the underprivileged... He is Zaheer, my assistant. He will follow up with you.’

  ‘Sure, sir. God bless you, sir,’ she said.

  After a detailed discussion with her, we proceeded to my office. The next day we visited another NGO, where I pledged to sponsor 100 displaced women.

  A week later, I requested Zaheer to arrange a meeting with his father.

  ‘We will bring your father to Lalbagh, where we met initially. You inform him about my reality. I’ll seek pardon, and you help me obtain it,’ I said. Zaheer obliged and drove me to his home post lunch.

  Chapter—28

  The Forgiveness

  Saleem Saheb had just returned from a stroll. He welcomed me and asked the maid to serve coffee. Zaheer conveyed to him our plan to go out together. We finished the drink and left for the park in my car.

  ‘Abbu, Vikrambhai is a generous man. He funds an NGO to shelter 100 homeless girls,’ said Zaheer.

  I gazed at my feet.

  ‘Wonderful. God will bless you for these deeds,’ his father said, turning back to me. ‘He also sponsors 100 deserted women. In addition to that, he also arranges for hundred meals to be served to the deprived.’

  ‘God bless you. God bless you. Your actions delight me. Blessed are your parents who taught you humanity,’ his father said.

  I shut my eyes even as the tears threatened to push out. My parents blessed me in my thoughts.

  ‘But he experienced a tragic life earlier,’ said Zaheer. My heart came into my mouth, and I stiffened. Would he reveal my reality now?

  ‘He went through a transformation, beating all odds of life. He carries a deep pain of guilt for his past deeds and hunts for forgiveness,’ said Zaheer.

  ‘God is most merciful. Whoever seeks His mercy, finds it in abundance,’ said Saleem Saheb.

  I cleared my throat. Zaheer laid a perfect foundation for my forgiveness, and I prayed to receive it.

  We entered from the Double Road gate and parked the car near the hill. Calmness lingered over Lalbagh, and a few souls lazed around. The sun blazed, the trees towered still, and the birds stared through the branches. We ambled over to my designated spot and Zaheer settled his father on the concrete bench. I sat beside him. Zaheer was my link to forgiveness. And as a doorway to my tranquillity, he carried an immense responsibility. My pain, suffering and the life purpose, rested in his hands. He started the conversation.

  ‘It’s been a long time, Abbu, that we witnessed the most dreadful incident which wiped away our family. Many lost their beloved ones, and few survived as half-dead. Many never sought justice, and those who did were denied. God is all-knowing and best of all judges,’ Zaheer said. My heart was in my mouth.

  ‘Yes, my son. But your courage deserves applause. We prevailed because of you. I am proud of you, my child,’ Saleem Saheb said.

  ‘Abbu, you taught me that the Creator controls life and death, and we govern our actions. You insist that a forgiver is superior to the sinner. Greatness lies in forgiveness. You preached that God is merciful and a gracious forgiver. And whosoever forgives, will experience Godliness. Forgiveness is difficult, yet we must forgive because it benefits the forgiver more. It heals the mind and heart and harmonises the soul with spirituality. Forgiveness removes hatred and vengeance and liberates the individual.

  ‘Creation is invaluable. Keep aside the galaxy or our planet, we cannot create what exists on earth. We are the creation’s tiniest part, yet supreme. Thus, a man with simple intelligence must understand the Creator’s infinite power. Though beyond our knowledge, our common sense accepts that we exist for a reason. Thus, as creation, we must live in harmony with all.

  ‘In this life as humans, we must perform like humans. Study the animals: a dog never roars like a lion, but it barks. An eagle does not hang upside down like an owl. A turtle does not swim like a dolphin. All creatures behave in their limits set by the Creator, and that defines nature’s harmony. Likewise, we as humans must practice humanity.’

  I sat engrossed in his mystical words, and his father interrupted.

  ‘Yes, my son. But what are you trying to prove?’

  ‘Abbu, let me speak. Let me inspire myself towards the greatest blessing called forgiveness.’

  ‘Whom do you want to forgive?’

  ‘Even now, the pain shreds me. Though invisible on the surface, the anguish lingers deep down in my heart. The agony of my innocent mother mercilessly murdered; the heartache of sighting my sister burnt alive; the misery of my father, half-murdered and surviving with a chopped hand and a leg; my helplessness to live at my birthplace; the grief of migrating in search of peace, in my own country; the pain of vacating the land I cherished in my childhood; the torture of suppression...Why has the Creator permitted human beings to behave as they want?

  ‘I wish to evaluate the value of life. Any individual has no control over his own birth choice, then how could he interfere in someone else’s life? And why?

  ‘Some are born white, some are born blacks; many believe in God, many not; Some are born rich, some poor; a few rich people become poor, some of the poor become rich; some sacrifice their wealth for people, some sacrifice people for wealth. I have seen the dust and the sky. I have seen the rich, and the poor, the huts, and the palaces, and I have seen the animals and the humans. This pain lashes my heart, and I want freedom from it. My spine treatment has given me relief, all thanks to Vikrambhai.’

 
Zaheer and his father turned to me. My intestine cracked, and my tummy sank in. I came out of his magical world. His words made me eat dust. A young man whose family I destroyed was going over and above to gain me mercy. Ignoring the damage and pain of 15 years, he expressed thankfulness for my minor role in helping him get proper surgery. If I devalued life, I would have killed myself at his humbleness.

  ‘Help me, Abbu,’ he said. ‘I wish to pardon all the sinners who destroyed my life. I beg Almighty to forgive my past and future sins; the sins of hurting a living being. Let the Creator judge the coach attack and carnage incidents, for he is the best judge.

  ‘Help me, Abbu. I want to embrace peace, for me and you.’ He closed his eyes and put his head down.

  Blood pounded my nerves. Whether I obtain forgiveness, peace or not, Zaheer’s efforts shook my roots.

  ‘My child, your understanding of life delights me. I am blessed as your father, and I bless you with all my heart and on behalf of your mother. Khush Raho. May the Almighty grace you with his choicest blessings,’ his father said, placing his hand on his son’s head. ‘Listen, my son,’ he continued, ‘I too experience the same pain as the painful memories brings more suffering. Humans should release it, else, they will miss out on life. Till now, I too remained in agony. I wailed over the dead and failed to cherish your existence. Thank you for reminding me. My ability to move around thrills me, all thanks to this angel, Vikramji,’ Saleem Saheb said, pointing at me. ‘I wish to bless him myself for a life of thankfulness and liveliness,’ he added. He too thanked me for helping him move, after having handicapped him for 15 years. My turmoil intensified.

  Zaheer brought me to the edge of forgiveness. But should it be so easy? Zaheer convinced his father on my behalf, and I gaped like a duck. He glanced at me.

  ‘Over to you, Vikram sir,’ he said.

  I stiffened. I had expected him to reveal my identity at least; nevertheless, I’ll always be grateful to him. I mustered up courage and plodded ahead, staring at the ground. Zaheer marched towards his father. I sat on the grass with my legs folded, closed my eyes and relaxed my body. Breathing deeply, I tuned into harmony with nature and to what Zaheer had said. The warm wind stirred the sweat that stood out on my forehead. Under the trees, the dogs lazed and darted glances at me. An eagle stared at me from the treetop. Nature stood still, to witness the judgement on creation and life. I joined my palms as if in prayer and held them near my chest. I cleared the lump in my throat and spoke.

  ‘Saheb, I cannot speak like your son, but I beg you to empathise with my situation. I am a Chhara born in Chharanagar, close to Naroda Patia, your erstwhile home.’

  Saleem Saheb’s forehead wrinkled.

  ‘Due to social boycott, we survive on crime. We live as puppets in the hands of corrupt abusers.’

  Saleem Saheb closed his eyes and squeezed them.

  I continued. ‘Saheb, we are branded as “Born Criminals” and denied education and equality. We stay in a filthy, secluded ghetto. I grew up in the crime world and unfortunately fell prey to the worst human exploitation. I am trembling to disclose my reality, Saheb.’ I paused, and pressed my palms on my chest.

  ‘What do you intend to say, Vikramji?’ Saleem Saheb was now looking me full in the face.

  I burst out in tears. I extended my joined hands and said, ‘Saheb, I regret and repent for my deeds. I beg your forgiveness, Saheb.’ I sobbed. Saleem Saheb narrowed his brows. ‘They used me in the 2002 slaughter. I led the mob at Naroda Patia, who ransacked your family.’ Tears poured out, and I shivered...

  ‘I ordered atrocities upon you. My men carried out the mass murder.’ I choked. Yet, with my head down and tears dripping, I confessed in a subdued and broken voice. ‘I raped and killed your wife. And I seek your forgiveness for it. Please forgive me.’ I covered my face in shame and repeated “Please forgive me” till my relentless wailing consumed me.

  I cried my heart out for a minute and lifted my head. Zaheer and Saleem Saheb stood near the bench. Zaheer’s countenance, though flooded with tears, glowed in optimism. Saleem Saheb‘s body shook as he sobbed and moaned. Zaheer moved forward and placed his arms around his father. They both sobbed. I gazed at them, with eyes raining, and unaware of the consequence of my words. But I trusted Zaheer.

  Zaheer removed a kitchen knife from his back and charged at me. The birds in the trees screamed. The dogs growled. Before I could react, he grabbed my head and pressed the cutter below my Adam’s apple. I sat frozen with my neck tightened.

  ‘Our pain can be healed only by the power of forgiveness. Yet you have your choice, Abbu. My blade dominates your criminal. I promise to slice his throat on your order. Command me, Abbu,’ he said.

  No human was around. Death glowered at me in the silence that surrounded us. The park whirled. I was ready to accept my end.

  ‘Nature’s verdict and the Creator are above all,’ his father said, as he thumped down on the bench. ‘This man has slaughtered my family. And for justice, he must be slaughtered too.’

  Zaheer pressed the dagger hard. My breath stopped inside my throat. Zaheer would, any moment now, slice my throat and stab me a dozen times in revenge. Though I never expected this to happen, I knew I deserved it. I closed my eyes, waiting to exit this form.

  ‘But Vikramji has already murdered himself.’

  At his father’s words, Zaheer pulled the dagger away. I coughed and gasped for air. I gulped the lump, massaged my neck and glanced at Zaheer. He smiled. I heaved a sigh of relief and quickly gulped in some air.

  ‘Vikramji has killed the wild Vikram Chhara, who destroyed our family. That you repent and seek forgiveness, confirms that Vikram Chhara’s murder, the one who spit venom on us. This is the purpose of life— to kill the devil within you. You restored my son’s spine and employed him and got me medical aid. All these prove your sincerity. Only the Almighty knows what lies in the hearts of people. In the name of humanity and the Creator, for your guilt, repentance and apology and in the name of God, I forgive you, Vikramji. I have no right over the dead but as far as I am concerned, I pardon you. By God, I release you from the clutches of the Creator’s justice for your ghastly deeds. May God bless you.’ Saleem Saheb‘s words fell on me like a merciful rain. I looked around. The trees swayed in the breeze; the birds fluttered around tweeting and singing their song getting ready to return to their nests; the sun, now engulfed by a thick cloud. But for me it was as if the chains that kept me imprisoned in a jail of pain and guilt had been axed and broken apart, as if a mountain had been taken away from my shoulders. My mind opened into infinite space, and my spirit drifted there. Mercy pushed me from the womb of guilt and the passage of repentance, and delivered me into the world of humanity. I was born again. And I cried, with tears, washing away the pain that I had been carrying for so long.

  Zaheer dropped the dagger and murmured, ‘Blessed is the forgiving soul. Long live Lord’s mercy. Long live humanity. And long live forgiveness.’

  Saleem Saheb came near me and smiled. I stood up. He opened his arms, one and half natural, and a half artificial. I hugged him weeping, and kept murmuring—’I am sorry.’ The memorable golden moment filled me with ecstasy.

  After a minute, we both separated and wiped our tears. I hugged Zaheer and repeatedly murmured, ‘I am sorry.’ I cried my heart out. My eyes swelled. A droplet fell on my cheek, and I glanced at the sky. A thin cloud smiled at me. Within formed the figures of my parents, who waved and disappeared. Their delight drenched me. To see them at such an important moment in my life was a blessing for me. I learnt the most valuable lessons today. I learnt the purpose of life. I absorbed the essence of life. Yes, I finally experienced life.

  ***

  We spent the evening sharing our life experiences, further strengthening our bond. Saleem Saheb and Zaheer praised the murder of the devil within me. They applauded it as a victory of humanity over evil. I experienced bliss at receiving their forgiveness. .

  When the whistle for closure blew, I ste
ered them outside to the car for a tour of this glittering Bangalore city. We saw the Vidhana Soudha illuminated. We visited Indira Gandhi Fountain Park and enjoyed the water dance on the famous “Made in India” song by Alisha Chinoy. At Shivajinagar, we munched on delicacies and roamed on MG Road and Brigade Road. At dinner time, I brought them to a terrace-hotel in a tall building where we relished the food and the view.

  It was quite late by the time I dropped them at their flat and headed home.

  My soul was thrilled for the first time post that carnage. The day had ended, yet I was fresh. My house witnessed my peace. I cleaned up with soap and water to expel the city’s smoke that gets into you from all the pores. I slipped into bed, and it welcomed me with affection. The day’s events flashed before me. My chest, head, and soul felt weightless. My search for peace had put me on the right path. My bed swayed like a cradle; and the universe, like my mother, hummed a lullaby. I slept like a baby, in the lap of creation, in ecstasy. But my life’s darkest chapter still awaited settlement. The dream of the baby woke me up at 3 am. Thank heavens, she didn’t cry or burn but giggled. The vision didn’t provoke pain but it still bothered me. I acknowledged that nature had a plan for me and wanted me to align with the Creator’s guidance. To my advantage, I had Zaheer and Saleem Saheb to help me. They were my gateway to forgiveness and peace.

  ***

  The next morning, I experienced mixed emotions. The conflict inside me. I cherished Saleem Saheb’s pardon but also agonised over the baby in the dream. Zaheer arrived.

  ‘Hello, Vikram sir,’ he greeted me with lifted cheeks. I squeezed his arm, smiled and hopped into the car. At the office, I sauntered into my cabin, and Zaheer waited near the door.

  In my cabin, I bowed to the palm-sized idols placed on a wooden platform on the North-east-side wall. I lit and circled the incense sticks around to delight the Gods with a fragrance better than a Chhara’s skin. The intention was to please them and seek their blessings. Our politicians and government servants have learnt this well. They will favour you if you satisfy them.