The Despair of Strangers

by Heather Topham Wood

  “Hi there,” he said softly and I could tell he had been lost in thought. I wondered if he was rethinking our date. Maybe the feeling of him betraying Emily had taken hold of him once again.

  “Hi yourself,” I said, matching his quiet tone.

  “I like your place. When I pictured where you would live, this is exactly what I visualized. Somewhere sweet and feminine.”

  “What’s your place like?”

  His smile was open with a touch of naughtiness. “You’ll see it soon enough.”

  “Very confident that this date will go well, aren’t you?” I teased before adopting a serious voice to continue. “I mean, keep your expectations realistic. You may hear all about my baggage and decide I’m too much of a mess for you. I’ve told you a lot about myself and about my relationship, but there’s other stuff you should know. I—” And then my babbling was stopped. Everything stopped because he had swooped out of the kitchen chair and crushed his mouth to mine. I stood there, dumbfounded, unable to make a move to respond. Derek was kissing me, kissing me senseless as if he couldn’t get enough of the taste of me. When his hands moved to my face, cradling my cheeks, I finally woke up.

  I kissed him back, reaching my arms up to pull his body to mine. I tightened my hold on him, not wanting him away from my mouth. Parting my lips, he knew exactly what I wanted. He deepened the kiss, giving me more of him. Good lord, he was a good kisser. He wasn’t rushing through exploring my mouth, he was savoring me. Kissing me with passion, showing me a preview of just how explosive it would be if I wanted more from him.

  I broke away first, dizzy and flushed. Not letting him go, instead embracing him while I attempted to catch my breath. His eyes were full of need as he rested his forehead against mine and whispered, “I really needed to do that.” His breath tickled my skin, making me aware of how close our lips still were to one another. He gave me a sweet peck on the lips. “I couldn’t help myself.”

  “And it wasn’t to stop me from talking?”

  “Well, you were giving reasons on why us dating is a bad idea.”

  I leaned away from him. “Anytime you want to stop me from babbling, feel free to do that again.”

  His grin was cocky before he reached around to pull me into him. He was hugging me, holding me close like I belonged to him. And I would take the moment, I would turn my brain off and let myself feel desired, feel beautiful. Pulling out of his hug, I laced my fingers around his neck. “To hell with the beach,” I breathed before bringing him back down for another kiss.

  I wasn’t frozen for the second time around. All the pent-up lust I’d been feeling, I set free. I didn’t want sweet, innocent kisses, I wanted to be kissed roughly, passionately. And he did just exactly that. His kisses were deep, uncontrolled, with his hands roaming everywhere. Our tongues tangled with need. When his palm covered my breast, I broke away and grabbed him by the hand. Without a second’s hesitation, I led him into my bedroom and fell back onto my bed.

  He leaned over, setting his palms on the bed, right outside of my thighs. He opened his mouth to speak, but I didn’t give him the opportunity. I was kissing him again, giving myself over to my passion, my raw lust. I didn’t want him to say anything. Because his words would make me think and I desired more than anything to let go. To allow only emotion to rule me. I never had these sensations before, these feelings that if he stopped touching me, I would wither away.

  I focused only on his lips and his hands. His large hands grabbing at me possessively. He moved quickly, also seeming not to get enough of the feel of me. He palmed my breasts, my hips, my thighs. I was aroused in seconds, a growing ache between my legs. And my god, I could have him. I could have this sexy, beautiful man inside of me if I wanted. I did want, I desired him like no other.

  When we broke away to breathe, to take a second before I planned to kiss him more, I leaned back and fell onto the bed. The mattress sank as he took a seat beside me. I smiled up at him. “Why don’t you come down here beside me?”

  He smiled back, lying next to me before gathering me up in his arms. I climbed to reach him, to be face to face. He was so tall, it was kind of nice to be at the same level while in bed. He didn’t move to kiss me, instead pushing aside a strand of hair that had fallen in front of my eyes. “I had a feeling it would be like this for us.” His voice was tender, thoughtful, and I searched his expression. Looking for clues that would tell me it was just us in this bed. I couldn’t bear if he showed guilt or shame over kissing me.

  I stared at his mouth as I spoke. “I didn’t expect to feel so comfortable with you, but it makes sense. I told you everything. At least the important stuff about me.”

  He nodded. “I feel the same.”

  “But I guess we should talk.” I heard my reluctance because I didn’t want to burst the passion bubble we were in. The lust between us could extinguish as I let him in more.

  Unfortunately, I wasn’t being smart either. As much as I craved Derek, longed for him to enter me as rough as his kisses, he wouldn’t be ready. His body may miss sex, but he hadn’t been with anyone since Emily. Despite his mouth owning mine expertly, I didn’t believe he had even kissed anyone else.

  And my passion, my boldness was an anomaly. I had never let go in the bedroom with Jake, never even finished while he was inside of me. What if foreplay was the only thing that got me hot with Derek? There was a solid chance I’d tense up once we were naked in front of one another.

  He was watching me closely. “I know you said to hell with the beach, but we could still go?”

  I shook my head at him. “No, I like you here. This is where I would talk to you on the phone.” I forced the next words out. “But the way I dragged you in here probably gave the wrong impression. I’m not ready…” I stumbled awkwardly. “I mean, we shouldn’t—”

  Thankfully, he saved me from further embarrassment and interrupted. “I like being here too. And taking everything slow makes sense.”

  His answer left me torn because doing what was right versus what felt right were at odds in me. With a deep inhale, I let out a slow, steady breath from my mouth. “You asked about my last name at the diner, so I should explain. I use Alyssa Carter now, but it’s not my real name. My real name is Alyssa Carmichael. When I decided to leave Fairlawn, I made up a new name. I didn’t want anyone to find me. My family and Jake’s family are both very wealthy and I knew they could track me down by hiring private investigators.” Belatedly, I realized he was also rich and using private investigators for his own purposes. “Not that there’s anything wrong with hiring private investigators…”

  He shook his head at me, realizing my line of thinking. “Alyssa, it’s fine, not the same.”

  I sighed, relieved he wasn’t offended. “Anyway, I felt like I had to disappear completely to get away from them all. I had a Mercedes, expensive clothes, and jewelry, but I also felt like I had nothing. Nothing belonged to me. Everything was handed to me as a way to keep me as their puppet. I was told to not get a real job, but instead volunteer on the boards of charities of my mother’s choosing. I had an entire wing at my parents’ mansion, but I hated living there. I felt like a possession for so many years, but convinced myself it wasn’t true. I’d think, they love me, of course they do. They only want my happiness.” My throat dried up as I explained the rest to him. “But then I told them I couldn’t marry Jake, that he had betrayed me in the worst way. Every fear about them not loving me was confirmed within the five minutes of them telling me I was to marry him anyway.”

  His hand glided through my hair as he frowned down at me. “Leaving was brave. I hope you realize that.”

  “I wish I could’ve left in a better way, in a way that had me telling them all to go to hell, but I’m not good with confrontation. But I’m not going to worry about any of them ever again because I’m happy here. I don’t have the money I used to have, but all of this is mine. This apartment, the waitressing job, and even my college acceptance, belongs to me alone.”


  He nodded, but still had a frown on his face. “You’ll probably have to face them eventually. Especially if you want to completely move on.”

  I wanted to disagree, but I opted to change the subject instead. “What about you?” I concentrated on the feel of his arms around me because I understood I was likely about to ruin the moment.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean…how are you? How are you feeling about all of this?” I used my hands to indicate the two of us.

  “I thought the way I kissed you and touched you made it clear.” His thumb grazed across my cheek. “That is my beard burn you’re wearing.”

  He was right, my face felt deliciously chafed. “I would like to keep wearing it, but I’m also worried about you. We stopped talking about the heavier stuff and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t be honest with me. Derek, you can say anything to me. I’d never judge you or feel…hurt if you’re not ready to be with me. Kissing me may have brought back some of those feelings you had before when dating.”

  My heart thudded as he turned away from me, resting on his back. His eyes stared up at the ceiling while I felt the impossibly loud silence. I didn’t move, watching him closely, looking for clues on where his head could be at the moment. “It’s just us here, I promise you that. I can’t…I understand you’ve witnessed me at my worst, seen the darkest sides of me. But those messages were sent to a ghost. Those messages were sent when I was at my lowest. Please believe me when I tell you I’m not always…like that. I do have those dark thoughts. I do have grief that I may not ever get over.” Finally, he did turn to face me. “But I also have a connection with you.”

  I locked my eyes on a spot above his head. “We connected over Jake and Emily.”

  “No, we connected as A and D. We connected as two people who understood life can be unfair and hurt like hell. We understand you can’t always bounce back after your heart has been broken, you have to claw your way back. I never opened up like that with a single person, Alyssa. Not to my parents, not to my friends, and not to Emily.”

  I leaned forward, brushing my lips against his soft pout. “Promise me if you ever start to feel wrong about this…wrong about us, you’ll tell me.”

  His dark eyes were solemn. He was taking my words to heart. “I swear it. But I told you a lot of the bad stuff, the traits about myself I’m not proud of, but I’m not all bad. I don’t want you to have a wrong perception about how I could be if we’re together. I won’t treat you badly, Alyssa. I swear that too.”

  ***

  Derek and I talked for hours. I learned about his life that went beyond what I’d found on Wikipedia. His parents lived overseas, but visited four times a year like clockwork. He was an only child, a miracle baby conceived after his mother was given an infertility diagnosis in her thirties. He’d grown up decidedly middle-class with his father working in international trade and his mother a school teacher. After enrolling as a business major in college, he rediscovered a passion for creative writing after taking an undergraduate course. He’d always been a fan of sci-fi. Besides Star Wars, he had grown up writing his own short stories while also reading novels by Isaac Asimov, Frank Herbert, and Iain Banks obsessively.

  My life wasn’t as colorful, but I didn’t dwell on the fact. Derek also didn’t make me feel small because of my lack of life experience. He asked me about myself, but focused more on the present. He liked hearing about my town and the colorful patrons at the diner. I shared with him stories about Birdie and her eclectic personality. He let me go on about my excitement over nursing school, promising to act as my first patient. We were as a new couple should be, showing all the best parts.

  But I wasn’t naïve either. We both knew there were other parts swimming below the surface. We had already showed our hands, we couldn’t pretend perfection. Yet, I liked him as D and I liked him even more as Derek. There was heat between us—so much fire I thought we’d not be able to stand the wait. By the night’s end, I imagined us stripping each other down and recreating my non-wedding night on my bed. He wanted me, I could feel it in both the spiritual and very physical sense. And he kissed me often, as if it was just the most natural thing to do. We would talk for a bit, then he would lean over and taste me again. His kisses turned exploratory, less fervent and sweeter. Like he had all the time in the world with me.

  He had an event scheduled for the next day, so I suggested he head home after midnight. My body wanted him to stay, but rushing into bed would be a mistake. We had to gain that comfort we had over the phone in the real world.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Derek had events for his books scheduled through the weekend. He was free on Sunday, so we made plans to finally have the postponed beach day. I overpacked, shoving every possible item I could need into a beach bag, unsure of our plans afterward. Before he picked me up at noon, I put on a red one-piece swimsuit under a long white frilly sundress I had found in the back of my closet that I figured could work as a cover-up. While I sat on my back step, he pulled around the building in a shadowy gray-colored Chevy Camaro ZL1. After hopping out of the car, he gallantly took the bag from me, walking to the rear and placing my belongings in the trunk.

  “Your car is…” I struggled for the right words getting into the car because my feelings were complicated. Before I uncovered his identity, one of the reasons I wanted Derek to be a normal, everyday guy on the phone was because I understood the way money ruled people. I’d seen it in Jake and in my dad.

  “Making you think sexy thoughts about me?” He finished with a teasing look as he slid back in the driver seat.

  “I was going to say very nice,” I said before leaning back into the soft leather. I hoped he didn’t ask to see my car anytime soon. Although a writer, there was no way he could even make up a compliment about the beast—the interior still smelled funky despite multiple trips to the car wash and it tended to leak fluids. I was too nervous to find out what the fluids were collecting underneath because I didn’t have the funds to replace the car. Being independent added stressors I’d never known of before.

  “Very nice? That sounds bland.”

  “I don’t know. I guess I’m surprised you drive a car like this.” I looked at him for a minute. “Is this your only car?”

  He shook his head. “No, I have a Chevy truck and an Audi A8.” He caught my eye and then added, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “I just didn’t expect you to be so rich, that’s all.”

  He gave me an annoyed look. “I’m not so rich, Alyssa. The series has sold well, so I splurged on a car. The rest of my money is in savings and stocks.”

  “What about your house? Is it expensive?”

  The annoyance hadn’t left his face and I supposed my questions came off as judgmental. “Yes, I bought a three-bedroom house in Springdale when I turned thirty because I thought I’d be getting married and having kids soon.”

  His honest answer hurt because he was reminding me of the future stolen from him. Reminding me that I was a changeling, a substitute for the true love he lost. He probably didn’t mean to sound abrasive—I was finding he lacked finesse at times. He wasn’t good at saying the things people wanted to hear. I wasn’t positive he could even make small talk, not likely wanting to dedicate a single second to pointless conversations.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad for your success. You’ve worked hard, so you deserve ten Camaros at least,” I said, trying to smooth things over.

  “Can I tell you something that may make you pissed at me?”

  “I thought we're having a fun beach day.”

  He squeezed my knee affectionately, likely trying to temper whatever he planned to say. “I think your parents and Jake have become a litmus test that you rely on too often. Most people aren’t like them.”

  I moved my knee out of his reach, hurt by his assessment. Moving my gaze out the window, I attempted not to feel so hurt over his words. I hated that was how he felt about me, but I
hated even more how right he was too.

  His voice was gentler as he continued. “Alyssa, I like you. I guess I’m used to the way we were together on the phone. But now that we’re seeing each other, I’ll have to stop assuming it’s okay to speak my mind.”

  I turned back to face him. “You sounded like a much better date on the phone. Last time you went out with a woman, you were regaling her with your love of Ewoks—”

  “No, I told you I was making the point that Ewoks are essentially evil despite their harmless appearances.” His smile was uneasy. “Plus, looking at my life, I’m certainly not qualified to give advice to anyone.”

  “Hmmm, I think I may have second thoughts about agreeing to go out with you. So far, you’ve only insulted me and sucked my face off.”

  He laughed, shaking his head. “You didn’t seem to mind the face sucking part.”

  “Jury is still out. You may have to demonstrate again later,” I said, giving him a coy smile. “And you insulted Ewoks, which are like the cutest things ever. Do you hate all cute things in the world? Like puppies and baby chicks?”

  “No, I like puppies. I actually would like one, but I travel too much that I feel it wouldn’t be fair. I grew up with a pair of German shepherds, so I’m a fan of the breed.” He glanced over at me. “What about you?”

  I snorted in response. “Did my parents have pets? No, the closest they ever came was buying me a horse, but nixed the idea after I kept falling off at lessons. I’d love to get a dog, but not sure how Birdie would feel about pets in the apartment. I helped out with a charity for Jack Russell terriers, so I have a soft spot for them. They’re one of the most common breeds found at most shelters. Although I didn’t like playing hostess with my mom, some of the charities really did matter to me.”

  “So, you’re an only child like me? That must’ve made the pressure even more unbearable.”