The Despair of Strangers

by Heather Topham Wood

  I matched his grave laugh. “And you do?”

  His face turned to stone. “I never lied to you, Alyssa. I never said she wouldn’t be part of my life if we’re together.”

  “Part of your life? Listen to yourself. She’s gone, Derek.”

  “You have no idea—”

  I didn’t let him complete the thought. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to act like you’re the only one who has gone through loss. I had no idea you were even still close with her parents. And Emily’s mother sure made it clear in the bathroom she had no clue who I was. She also drove home the point that it’s always Emily for you.”

  He let out a frustrated breath. “I was awkward, for fuck’s sake. I didn’t want to flaunt you in their faces. It’s not only because she’s dead. She was murdered. Do you know how haunted we are about what she must’ve gone through in those last moments? And her killer is still out there, living his or her life. The Hills have been through enough.”

  “You can’t get over it, I get it. I read your messages, Derek. I have every word memorized.” The fight was draining out of me, his words leaving me cold, haunted.

  “Don’t do this, Alyssa. We could be good together—”

  I cut him off. “You just said my self-esteem is in the toilet. How could we possibly be good together?”

  “Because I’m hoping you wake the fuck up. You need to wake up and realize you’re beautiful and smart, that men want you. I want you.” His voice was a sexy growl, still simmering with anger.

  “If even a shit like Jake didn’t want me, doesn’t that mean something?” I demanded, feeling vulnerable despite still shouting at him. Feeding my anger was preferred to the alternative of sobbing. I thought I was barely capable of crying and this man stirred every emotion inside of me.

  “Damn it, you drive me crazy. Who the fuck cares if Jake didn’t want you? He’s a complete loser. He was out for years screwing around on you, when he had you at home. You. What man in his right mind wouldn’t be fucking you every night if he had the chance?” He shook his head at me, his eyes dark, gleaming.

  I wanted to continue to scream at him, maybe hit him for good measure, but of course my body wouldn’t cooperate. Because as soon as he talked about a man fucking me every night, I wanted him. It made me desire Derek in the role. My breasts felt heavy, full, and lust churned low in belly.

  “Is that what you would do?” The question was meant to come out as combative, but my traitorous voice was breathy, making it sound more like an invitation.

  He straightened, regarding me with interest. “Are you turned on?”

  “No,” I lied.

  I went to turn, but he slipped his fingers around my wrist, keeping me in place. “You are,” he said, his voice cocky. “What got you so hot? You liked how I said I’d be fucking you every chance I got, didn’t you?”

  Freaking fair skin, of course my blush would likely be visible to him. I blinked up at him. “You said a man would be doing that to me, not you.”

  His voice was husky. “Oh no, I meant me. Don’t get it mixed up in your head. I’ve been thinking about fucking you for a very long time, Alyssa.”

  “I’m mad at you, so you can wipe that arrogant look off your face. You might think your dirty talk is working on me, but you’re wrong,” I huffed. Such a liar, his dirty talk was absolutely working on me. Because I was getting mixed up, forgetting that I should be angry with him. Instead, I wanted him to push me against the wall and screw me senseless.

  “You sure about that?” Then, he was pulling me to him, his right hand resting on my thigh. He slipped his fingers under the hem of my dress, lifting the fabric enough that the dress now covered just below my panties. “Can I check?” He drew me closer to him, pressing me against him. Wetness pooled between my legs as his cock pushed against my hip. “You can feel me, Alyssa. You can feel how excited you make me. Let me just reach inside your underwear to make sure you’re telling the truth.”

  “Go ahead.” A stupid dare because of course I would only prove him right. I was practically on fire for him, panting against his hard chest with need. He nodded, not hesitating as his hand crept under my dress. His fingers pushed aside the fabric, then they were inside of me, exploring me.

  “So…fucking…wet,” he whispered into my ear. I didn’t answer, gasping at the feel of him as he moved deeper, starting to penetrate me with two of his fingers. He moved in and out of me, slowly, leisurely. I threw my head back, inhaling roughly each time he reentered me.

  “How bad do you want me?” he demanded, stilling with his fingers at my entrance. He was teasing me or testing me, I wasn’t sure exactly of his reasoning. But I stopped caring about anything much at all the moment his hands were on me.

  I lowered my head to meet his eyes, watching the gleam of desire as he licked his lips. He was so sexy and arrogant, commanding me to give myself over to him. And I didn’t hesitate for a second. “I want you so bad.”

  My hand shot out, unbuckling his suit pants, before reaching inside to find him. I ran my hand down the length, desiring to feel for myself just how hard he was for me. Moving my hand back and forth, I reveled in how sexy I felt to make him groan in desire. Before I could continue, he slid his hands under my arms and lifted me up. Literally, I was airborne, my feet dangling off of the ground as he held me. “What are you doing?” I squeaked in surprise.

  “Taking you to bed,” he said roughly, carrying me into my bedroom. I let out a nervous laugh as he deposited me on the bed.

  “I thought we were fine where we are,” I protested, as he climbed in next to me.

  “Oh no,” he said, shaking his head. “It has to be here, on this bed. This is the bed where you were first wet for me, where you first came for me.”

  “Derek…” I moaned.

  “Yes? Do you like thinking about that night? I do. All the goddamn time. Have you come again from the memory? I know I have.” He was talking as he ran his palms up and down my upper thighs. With each movement, my dress was getting hitched up, exposing my black lace panties.

  “I have too,” I admitted, barely focusing on his words, totally enraptured by the way he was touching me.

  “Did you touch yourself here?” His left hand cupped my mound, resting over my underwear. “Would you finger yourself wishing it were me?” With a swift movement, he pulled my panties down, exposing me.

  “Yes,” I practically whimpered as he began to move his fingers inside me again. He played me beautifully, caressing me with two and then three fingers. I squirmed under him, loving the way he would get me hot, close to climax, then suddenly still for a minute before starting again.

  He went up on his knees, lowering himself between my legs. He worked my panties the rest of the way down my legs. Setting his hands on the inside of my thighs, he looked up at me with heat. “Can I taste you?” Then, he leaned down and ran his tongue ever so slowly over my opening. I waited for more, but he had stopped.

  “Derek, please don’t stop…” I whispered.

  “I was waiting for you to say yes I could taste you,” he said with a sexy chuckle.

  Ugh, this man. “Yes, please…now.”

  “What’s the rush? I’ve been fantasizing about this for weeks. I plan to take my time.”

  And then he moved in again, resting his hands under my ass to lift me up to his mouth. My dress was still on, bunched up under my chest, but I didn’t make a move to take it off. Because if I moved, he’d stop. And that would be a tragedy because he was feasting on me in the most delicious way. He kissed, licked, and sucked me everywhere. His tongue was tireless as it worked against my clit.

  “Oh god, Derek.” My body was close to combusting, my climax so near I could feel it. As he sucked me long and hard, I finished in a breathless rush—warmth flooding me through every nerve ending in my body. Trembling with my release, I bucked slightly against his mouth. He came up at the movement, watching me with a grin between my legs.

  “Fuck, you’re sexy
,” he said, moving again to lie next to me.

  “And you have too many clothes on,” I muttered, starting to unbutton his shirt. Thankfully, he helped me, likely noticing my fumbling fingers. I was still spinning from my climax. He slipped down his pants before lying next to me only in his boxer shorts.

  Seeing him in bed with me was visceral. His body was sculpted from hard, lean muscle—tight stomach, defined arms and legs, solid chest. I ran my fingers over him, memorizing each perfect inch. His body was tightly wound as I explored, his breath hitching when I ran a hand across his lower abs, just above his erection.

  “You’re unreal,” I said almost reverently. I tugged at his boxers, and then he was completely naked in front of me. My breath left my body because he was utterly beautiful. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen and he was naked in my bed. I lowered my head, prepared to return the favor. He stopped me by gripping my shoulders. Surprised, I asked, “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” he said softly, moving his hand to rest on my cheek. “Not tonight. I want to come inside you for the first time and if you put your mouth on me, I won’t be able to wait.”

  I stared at him with a mixture of disbelief and want. I wouldn’t protest because his want would lead us both to pleasure. “I don’t have condoms here. I mean, I’m on birth control, but I used both…you know, before.”

  “You still have your dress on. Not very fair, is it?”

  I smiled shyly at him. “No, I guess not.” I undressed for him, trying to move erotically, but nervous butterflies kept my body shaking. After unlatching my bra, he drew in a long, shaky breath. He stared down at me, almost wolf-life.

  “Fuck, I have no words, Alyssa,” he groaned as I climbed naked on his lap. I waited for the shyness, the insecurity to creep in, but none of those awful feelings were there. I felt like the sexiest thing as Derek gaped at my breasts. “Your tits really need my attention, but I think I need to be inside of you first. I don’t have a condom, but I haven’t been with anyone.”

  He didn’t need say anything more. “Okay,” I said, nodding.

  “Are you sure? I want you like crazy, but we could wait until I buy some.”

  I shook my head. “No. I’ve been tested.” I didn’t add especially after being with my ex because I didn’t want him to have anything to do with us. “I want to feel you too, all of you.”

  Then, he kissed me, erratic kisses building upon our need. While our mouths were joined, I positioned myself over his erection. At the first feel of him, I had to arch back and moan. I was still so slick that there was no give, only a seamless conjoining of our bodies. He felt immense as I slid up and down, stretching me out pleasurably.

  I never pictured the first time between us with me on his lap, riding him, but holy hell it was erotic and sexy. Being with him felt absolutely right and there was something so perfect that nothing separated him from me. At first, I rode him slow, wrapping my legs around his back, taking the time to commit the feel of him to my memory.

  “Alyssa…” he moaned before kissing me deeply. We stayed that way, until his hips tilted and he started to quicken our pace. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer, letting him get deeper in me. My body hummed each time he pushed into me. His movements lost any control, him calling out for me each time we moved together. I shuddered over him as I had my second climax of the night. The movement, the pulsing of my body, made him go over the edge and he finished inside of me.

  After, I waited for the regrets, for the embarrassment. But none of the bad stuff returned. I didn’t feel shy about my body, didn’t rush to cover up from his roving eyes. I just fell back on the bed, completely sated.

  Something in my expression pleased him because he stared down at me with pure happiness. His smile was real, almost boyish. Instead of speaking, he used a cloth from my bathroom to clean us up, me first, then himself. Instead of dressing, he climbed into bed with me, gathering me up in his arms. I pulled the blanket over us before resting my head on his chest.

  “We should fight more often,” he said.

  I pinched his forearm hard enough for him to flinch. “Derek, that’s not funny. We were really awful to each other. I’m sorry for not being more understanding.” It wasn’t just lip service and I wasn’t forgiving him because he’d just given me the best sex of my life. I forgave him because my insecurities were mostly to blame.

  “I’m sorry if I hurt you at the gala tonight. You are…so important to me, Alyssa. I hope you realize that.” He kissed the top of my head. I didn’t say anything more. I didn’t tell him he was important to me too.

  Because I also had more to say. I’d been keeping the truth caged up, but I started to realize it soon after he kissed me for the first time. The night only confirmed my suspicions—I was almost certain I had fallen in love with Derek Walsh.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Derek had me one more time before I drifted off to sleep. He felt like my breasts had been sorely neglected the first time around, so he made it a point to fix the issue the second time. He played, kneading them, teasing the nipples with the tip of his tongue. I became wet all over again as he sucked hard on my nipples, then grazed his teeth lightly against the tips. He was wild as he drove into me, coming with my name once again on his lips.

  I didn’t ask him to stay, but I was glad when he did anyway. I slept soundly—my body spent by having more than one orgasm over the course of a single night. I went from never being able to climax during sex to getting off multiple times. I guessed I’d never been broken after all.

  Derek was already awake when my eyes fluttered awake. He sat at the edge of the bed, fully dressed, back in his suit, looking down at his phone. I frowned at the sight, displeased since I expected to spend my day off in bed naked with him. With his back still turned, I bounced over the bed to reach him, wrapping my arms around him from behind.

  “How are you awake and dressed already?” I pretended to grumble into his ear.

  “I told you I never sleep. It’s already eight. I’ve been up for hours,” he said before turning to face me. He set the phone face down next to him before planting a light kiss against my lips.

  I frowned when he pulled away. “You should talk to a doctor about that. It’s probably not healthy.”

  “I did,” he said in a faraway voice. “They prescribed sleep meds, but I can’t take them. I feel groggy all day and can’t focus on my writing. I do the more natural stuff to help, like avoid certain foods at night and work out every day.”

  “Oh, so that’s why you have that sexy bod.” I laughed.

  I went to tease him more, but the words died in my throat. His expression was torn as he stared down at me. His eyes were full of guilt and I just about wanted to disappear on the spot. My worst fear had happened. He had woken up ashamed, wishing away our night together. A night that meant everything to me. I didn’t want to ask him, but I knew I had to anyway. “What’s wrong?”

  He didn’t answer, only staring at me with trepidation. He was coming up with the words, figuring out how to let me down easily. I had thought last night fixed us. But he was too haunted to let me in. “Derek…just say it.”

  I was going to cry and I hated myself for it. Why couldn’t I go back to feeling dead inside? Jake had hurt me countless times and I never once shed a tear. But after a single night with Derek, I was ready to fall apart completely.

  “Just say what?” he asked, confusion clouding his previous nervousness.

  “Say that last night was a mistake,” I said, my heart heavy as I stopped holding him. I scooted back on the bed, blinking as I stared at the bedspread. Damn, I wished he had left before I woke. He could’ve just called or texted to tell me he couldn’t continue with me. I wasn’t Emily and I’d never be her. How had I read everything so wrong? He was happy afterward—I was certain of it.

  “Alyssa, look at me,” he said quietly, twisting to face me. When I didn’t comply, he moved closer, touching me gently under the chin, guiding me
to look at him. His voice was soft, but firm. “Last night wasn’t a mistake. That’s not the reason…I’m happy, Alyssa, about being with you, I swear it.”

  “Really?” I asked hopefully. I forced a shy smile at his statement because as long as he wasn’t feeling regrets, nothing else mattered.

  “Yes, really…but I do have to talk to you about something and you’re not going to be happy.” His tone was somber, making the smile that had come back on my face wilt.

  “What is it?”

  “Pamela called this morning. There were articles printed overnight about the event…about us,” he sounded heavy, but I wasn’t still following his concern. I understood the risk when I agreed to attend the gala—the press may presume Derek Walsh had moved on and started dating again.

  “Is it terrible?” I groaned. “Are they saying horrible things about me? Please don’t tell me about online trolls making fun of my big ass and short legs.”

  He gave an affectionate squeeze on my knee. “No. Not that I would read anyone’s online comments, but I’m sure they’d wonder why someone so gorgeous would be interested in a nerdy sci-fi author.”

  “Well, what’s the issue then? Is it a bad photo?”

  He shook his head before reaching down to his phone. After unlocking the screen, he handed it over, opened to an article from a tabloid. Before reading the text, I studied the photo, feeling relief. The picture was before the night turned bad. We were in the foyer, joking around, staring at each other with barely contained laughter. My eyes were sparkling, my cheeks slightly flushed. And Derek was looking at me as if I was the most charming woman he’d ever seen. The camera had captured his smile, his real one, not the public one. I loved it. I loved that whatever we had was forever memorialized.