The Despair of Strangers

by Heather Topham Wood

“Holy crap, I had no idea. He’s definitely been nicer to you this week, but I haven’t seen the two of you flirting.”

  “He doesn’t want to bring it into work and let anyone know, especially Dee. Like Dee would care. She’d probably watch the grill so the two of us could get busy in the employee bathroom.”

  “I use that bathroom! Have you been getting busy in it?”

  “No, but not for lack of trying on my part. I’m into him, really into him. Like I thought we were just going to have a quick and sexy fling. But he actually has all of these great qualities I didn’t even know about. Like he’s completely devoted to his family and he sends them half of his paycheck every week. He’s fun too. He’s into motorcycles and takes me to all these really beautiful, scenic places I never knew about.”

  “I’m seriously happy for you.” I poured my own glass of wine and held it up in a toast. “To you and Ahmed.” She rolled her eyes, but clinked my glass.

  “He’s younger than me, only twenty-three, but believe it or not, he’s more mature than most guys in their thirties. I could’ve been seeing him instead of wasting my time on complete losers. He said that he’s liked me since last year, but didn’t think I was interested.” She looked thoughtful for a minute. “I’m actually glad we didn’t hook up right away. I needed those fluffers first.”

  I pursed my lips in disapproval. “You know I hate that theory of yours.”

  She shrugged. “There are always exceptions to the rule. And you and Derek are doing great, right?”

  I placed my elbows on the kitchen table, leaning forward. “Everything is great, but…”

  “But?”

  “But I have concerns about Emily.”

  “Emily is dead, Alyssa, she should be the least of your concerns.”

  “Her being dead doesn’t lessen her significance. Think of Jack and Rose from the Titanic. They were the love story. No one gave a shit about the husband Rose married after Jack died. And she was reunited with Jack in death, not the other poor schlub.”

  Jenny stared at me as if I were from another planet. “You’re comparing your situation to a dumbass who threw a necklace that was worth millions into the ocean.” She slapped her forehead. “Who am I kidding? Of course, you are. You’re the girl who walked away from millions to live amongst the poor.”

  Ignoring her sarcasm, I said, “I need to tell you something. I wasn’t entirely truthful about how I met Derek.”

  “You didn’t meet online?”

  I shook my head. “When I left Jake, I disconnected my phone and got a new one after moving to town. My new number had once belonged to Emily.”

  “What? I’m completely confused.”

  I grimaced as I continued. “Emily’s parents paid her bill and I guess they never disconnected it until recently. Derek would send her messages.”

  “Send her messages? You mean he would text her after she died?”

  I nodded solemnly. “He would tell her how he was feeling, how he missed her.”

  “Did she answer back?” she deadpanned.

  I tilted my head to the side. “No. I don’t think he expected her to answer back. It was more of a symbolic gesture.”

  “What does any of this have to do with how you met?”

  “Emily’s parents stopped paying the phone line a few months ago, but he didn’t realize it was disconnected and someone else was getting the messages. I ignored them at first…until I didn’t.”

  “You wrote him back?”

  “I didn’t know she died. I only thought he was some guy writing sad messages to an ex. After we talked, I guess we sort of bonded and became friends. I didn’t even know his real name or what he looked like.”

  She leaned back, her jaw dropping visibly. “So, your reaction to his interview makes sense now. Was that the first time you saw what he looked like?” I nodded. “Wow, you dodged a bullet. He could’ve been old and gross or fuck, you could’ve been talking to a serial killer the entire time.”

  “I didn’t think we would meet,” I pointed out. “I always assumed we’d be phone friends, but we became closer than I thought. I would tell him everything because I figured there wasn’t a real risk of me getting hurt.”

  “Well, it worked out okay in the end, though, right? You met and obviously really like each other. It’s definitely a weird way to hook up with a guy, but I’ve heard of stranger. My cousin met her husband when he came to serve her with legal papers for a small claims lawsuit. I wouldn’t call yours a meet cute, but who am I to judge?”

  “Thank you, but I’m wondering if I should be more concerned about how we met. I’m falling for a guy who wrote these deep and painful confessions to his dead fiancée. I wish I never saw the messages, but I did.”

  “What’s the opposite of a meet cute? A meet tragic, I suppose.” Her look was full of pity for me. “You’re worried he’s not over her?”

  “I know he’s not over her.” I exhaled before adding, “But I’m actually okay with it because I know he was able to help me get over Jake, so maybe I can eventually do the same for him. But the thing is that I get the sense maybe he didn’t tell me everything about their relationship.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “His mom made a few comments at dinner that left me feeling that Derek and Emily had issues and his mom didn’t approve of the relationship. But maybe she was only being kind since I’m the new girlfriend?”

  Jenny drummed her fingers on my table. “What did she say exactly?”

  “She implied they weren’t the perfect couple, but Derek refused to see the problems. She also asked me about the police investigation and if Derek talks about it.”

  “Does he?”

  “No, and honestly I haven’t looked up much about it online either. I know enough that it makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about what happened to her.”

  “Where’s your laptop? I’ll take a look and see if I could find out anything online. I read recent articles, but I haven’t dug real deep after I triple confirmed Derek couldn’t possibly be the killer. Have you looked Emily up on Reddit?”

  “No, I never used Reddit. What is it?”

  “People from all over start threads about different topics, including unsolved murders. Commenters share information and theories they have about the cases.”

  I lifted a skeptical eyebrow. “And you think we’ll find out anything worthwhile? How do we know people aren’t making shit up?”

  “We don’t, but it’s worth a look because I’ve heard of cases solved by Reddit. Or at least we could see the theories floating around. Did Derek ever tell you if he had any ideas about who killed her?”

  I paled at the idea. “No, and I definitely don’t want to ask.”

  “I don’t blame you. Definitely a mood killer. Are you okay with me looking online?”

  After a second of reluctance, I nodded. “I’m trying to be different than I used to be. My knee jerk reaction is to pretend she doesn’t exist and their past together never happened, but I can’t do that with him. There has to be a reason his mom has a concern about Derek’s reaction to the police investigation.”

  After bringing my laptop in the kitchen, I started to cook dinner while Jenny looked up details about the murder of Emily Hill. I appreciated her help. She had become the best friend I always wanted growing up.

  After the ziti was finished and covered with sauce, I set down the plate next to the laptop. I began to eat while watching her chew on her lower lip. She had found threads with hundreds of comments on Reddit, which was taking her a while to sift through. She was also searching traditional news websites to look up old articles published in the weeks after the murder. With no movement on the case, news outlets had lost interest, yet Reddit remained an active hub to share theories about the death of Emily Hill.

  “Huh,” she mumbled with a frown while staring at the screen.

  “What?”

  “Well, most of these Reddit users are saying the same thing. Emily had sex before
she was killed.”

  “Oh shit, really? This is why I don’t want to know any of these details. Hearing his fiancée was raped and killed probably destroyed Derek.”

  Jenny leaned away from the computer to meet my eyes. “They’re saying it wasn’t rape.”

  “How could they possibly know that?”

  Jenny’s lips turned down in distaste. “The police didn’t tell the public a lot of stuff, I guess because her case is still open. An anonymous source from the station released a bunch of details to the tabloid magazines, though. The cops haven’t confirmed any of it, but everyone is saying all the evidence showed consensual sex. No signs of trauma, no semen, and no defensive marks on her.”

  “So, what’s the theory? She met some guy while Derek went away and then what? He got violent and killed her?”

  Jenny shook her head. “They found another phone hidden under the seat of her car. A prepaid phone with messages to only one other number on it. Emily had made plans to meet up with the person the night she died. The rest of the messages were deleted, so no one is sure if the police ever recovered anything else from the phone.”

  “If that’s true, then the police would’ve tracked down the other person she was texting.”

  “Nope, burner phone too.”

  “And you think this stuff is legitimate?” I didn’t know how I could process what she was telling me. Would it make it easier on me if Emily was cheating on him? Like maybe he was more likely to love her less if she was unfaithful? But I loved Derek. And the idea of Derek being hurt by Emily’s infidelities would only cause me pain too. And how could Emily do that to him? Derek was loyal to a fault—nothing would hurt him more than her betraying him in that way.

  “Tabloids picked up the story a couple months after her murder, but police didn’t deny or confirm anything at the time. Just saying the investigation was active and there were no official suspects, but they were looking at people of interest. Derek released a statement at that time saying he was disgusted by the rumors and that lies about Emily would only detract from the real investigation.”

  I nodded, still taking everything in, more confused than ever. Maybe all of the theories were lies, the need for people to make sense of the insensible. Yet, if there was a phone and she had sex that night, maybe Derek refused to accept the truth. Like his mother said, he had a hard time with anything disrupting the status quo. “Alyssa, you probably should talk to him and find out if any of these details are true or not.”

  I shuddered in horror. “Nope, that’s not possible. I don’t have to ask him a thing, I already know his answer. He doesn’t believe she was cheating on him. I was cheated on for my entire relationship, but I was in passive denial. I knew in my heart Jake was unfaithful, but I chose not to leave him. Derek absolutely believes Emily died belonging to only him.”

  “But if it turns out to be true, he’s going to have to face reality eventually.”

  “You’re right and if she was cheating on him, the truth will hurt like hell. I can only hope he lets me in and we can work through the pain together.”

  But Derek was a lot like me. We internalized too much, until the pain seeped into our very being. Derek had become a source of release for me, a way for all of my heartbreak to funnel out, hopefully gone for good. I just had to figure out a way to release Derek from his own misery.

  ***

  Always my fucking car. Derek was probably going to give me hell when I finally made it to the science fiction writers’ dinner I promised to attend with him. The event was actually one of the few he was looking forward to on his schedule. A regional association of science fiction writers asked him to speak at the event and share some words of wisdom to fellow genre authors. He’d been working on his speech for the last week, trying to make it perfect. Since he normally hated social events, I was glad to actually hear him excited about one. The idea of being surrounded by fellow sci-fi self-professed nerds took some of the pressure off. I was excited about the dinner too, mainly because it would be the two of us attending—no agents, personal assistants, or other media people to monopolize his time.

  The dinner was a fundraiser for the association with a cost of two hundred dollars per plate. I felt proud of my sci-fi author for selling out the dinner and helping support the association. A majority of the funds went to a scholarship the group sponsored. I couldn’t afford the ticket price, but Derek said I could contribute in other ways like bid on one of the auction items. When he told me, I pictured me versus a dozen women trying to win a date with him. Luckily, he assured me it wasn’t that type of auction.

  A day earlier, I had to go shopping because I couldn’t keep wearing the same two dresses I owned to Derek’s events. In my past life, I never wore the same designer frock twice and now I was trying to stretch an off-the-rack dress as far as possible. Since the dinner was semi-casual, I chose a peach chiffon dress with a billowy skirt. The cut was flattering by slimming my waist and accentuating my chest. The dress was perfect and feminine. Well, it was until I had to pop my hood and got grease on the hem. For the thousandth time, I questioned why I didn’t take Derek up on his offer to give me his Camaro. Now, I’d have to make a beeline to the restroom as soon as I got to the restaurant and try to do damage control.

  I was thirty minutes late and still fifteen minutes away from the restaurant when my car decided to come alive again. Pressing down on the gas, I hoped dinner wasn’t over yet. I was starved. My online classes had started and I got too engrossed into the reading to realize I was running behind schedule. Classes were going well, but I’d been out of college long enough that getting back into the routine was a challenge.

  I cringed as I saw Derek call as I got stuck at another red light. “I know, your girlfriend has the worst car in the world, which makes her always late. I’m sorry, I’ll be there in ten.”

  “Alyssa, why don’t you skip it? Meet me back at my place.”

  I twisted up my face. “First of all, I don’t have a key to your place and secondly, you can’t be that mad I’m forty-five minutes late. You’re in your element, talk to your people about aliens and spaceships until I get there. I know you hate most social things, but this was a fun one.”

  “Of course, I’m not mad,” he said with too much emphasis. He was keeping something from me—there was a reason he didn’t want me at the dinner. “I’ll finish my speech, head to meet you, and then I’ll order in for us both.”

  “Derek, what’s going on?”

  “Alyssa, trust me. Just go to my house and I’ll be there soon. I’ll call Taylor and have her run the key right now,” he urged in a low voice.

  “Are the Hills there? Is that why you don’t want me to come?” I had to force myself into sympathetic mode about the Hills. Because I was starting to get pissed off that Julia Hill was so insistent about pushing herself into Derek’s life. She called him all the time, more than his own parents. I thought the entire situation was weird, but I didn’t say anything.

  “No, Alyssa, your parents are here,” he admitted with a heavy sigh.

  No fucking way. I understood they could eventually find me; Derek and I had been in the media enough it was likely my mother would’ve heard about it. But I thought they had let me go. I had thought they released me for good when I hadn’t rolled over like a good trained puppy.

  Derek’s name was being called in the background. “Alyssa, I can ask them to leave.”

  “Have they talked to you? What have they said?”

  “They only had a chance to introduce themselves before I was pulled away. And of course, the organizer needs me again. What should I do?”

  “Nothing, I’ll handle them. I’m sorry…I won’t cause a scene or anything.” I’d have to ask them to leave, politely and maturely. I couldn’t bring drama to every one of his appearances.

  “Are you certain?” He sounded unsure and I appreciated his worry. Our relationship was far from perfect, but he cared about me. He would go to bat for me if I needed. He said roug
hly, “Honestly, it would give me a sick satisfaction to tell them exactly what I think of them.”

  “No, I’ll deal with them,” I said with a certainty I didn’t feel. “I’ll see you in a couple.”

  After hanging up, I couldn’t remember the rest of the drive. All I could think about was seeing my parents again. I had run off only months earlier, but I felt like a completely changed person. But a part of me was scared seeing them again would revive the girl I used to be.

  Although I normally skipped valet because of my shit car, I was in a rush at my arrival. My parents were loaded guns, ready to shoot off whatever would make me do their will. I had to control the conversation. Talk to them first before they decided to say anything more to Derek. They could ruin everything I was trying to build with him.

  After confirming I was on the guest list twice, the host pointed me to the banquet room. The crazed look on my face probably made him concerned I was a Derek Walsh stalker and not actually invited. I pushed through the crowd, but my parents had been waiting to pounce on me. They were standing no more than ten feet from the entrance.

  They stood out in the room—overdressed to make everyone around them shrink in comparison. My father wore a classic black suit, the typical uniform he wore almost daily. My mother, well, my mother never owned a matronly piece of clothing in her life. Her emerald dress was elegant and fit her like a second skin. Her jewelry was tasteful—diamond studs with a diamond pendant she inherited from my grandmother. She was a head taller than me, but weighed at least twenty pounds less. She looked nothing like me and it became a running joke at affairs. Oh yes, Alyssa takes after the Carmichael side of the family.

  “Alyssa,” she managed in a tone devoid of honest emotion. I could never tell how she felt from her voice. Was she happy? Was she angry? Or was she always so freakishly apathetic?

  My father nodded at me, walking over to a plant a dry kiss on my cheek. “You look well.” I was shocked he was being demonstrative. Most certainly, it was odd he attended the dinner to seek me out. My mother I could understand, I was always meant to be glued to her side. My father was never one to get overly involved in family affairs unless it affected the Carmichael brand.