The Despair of Strangers

by Heather Topham Wood

  “Alyssa, the messages aren’t for her. I don’t have that belief…I don’t believe she’s in the afterlife reading them. I saw a therapist after the murder and she was the one to make the suggestion I write my feelings down to her.” The confession didn’t alleviate any of my pain because they were still insight into how he felt. They were still tiny proclamations he could never move on after Emily.

  Most importantly, he didn’t correct me. He didn’t tell me of course the messages weren’t the same since we’ve gotten together. He never said that he wasn’t still professing his undying love to a ghost.

  “I’m so sorry you’re still hurting. But I can’t…” I paused because what I needed to say and what I wanted to say warred inside of me. “I can’t be with you like this. It’s like you’re adrift, holding your grief to you like a stone, and it’s only getting heavier, and my god you’re sinking and you will drown soon. And I’m stuck here on the shore, forced to watch this. And I can’t. It’s too much.” I didn’t bother to hold back my tears. I was full-on sobbing, wracking sobs that made my entire body shake and the words a challenge to get out.

  “Why are you doing this?” His voice was thick with emotion. “I thought you understood better than anyone. Why can’t you give me time to figure it all out?”

  I headed over to the bed, kneeling before him on the floor. I took his hands in my own, gripping them tightly. “Because I love you, Derek. I love you so much it’s unbearable to see you in this pain.” I stared up at him, willing him to understand I loved him enough that the only thing I could do was let him go. “There’s always been this belief love happens at the same time. Someone says I love you first and of course it becomes the perfect time for the other person to say I love you too. But that’s not always true. Feelings mature differently. And I could accept that. I could wait for you to play catch-up. But the fact is you can never love me.”

  “So, that’s it? You say you’re in love with me, but you’re walking.” I understood I had hurt him, but the rage in his voice stung. He propelled off the bed, putting distance between us.

  “How many possible three-word combinations are there in the English language? Infinite?” He stared at me for a long moment, hurt and anger swirling in his face. Reluctantly, he nodded. I continued, “Infinite and we all want to hear the same three—I love you. And I will never get that from you. You can’t even offer me I could love you.”

  He started to pace in front of me, like a caged animal, ready to explode. “You do this to me now, out of all fucking days, Alyssa.”

  “I’m not doing this to you. You must realize I’m right. You have to know it’s unfair to you and to me to stay together. I’m not the same person I was when I met you. I deserve more than what you can give me. And I don’t blame you—”

  His look was full of disdain. “I’m not a fucking airport. I’m not a layover on your journey of self-discovery.”

  The breath left my body. He had landed a blow I felt everywhere. “I will always be your friend, Derek. Just because I don’t think we should be together, doesn’t mean I won’t be here for you.”

  “I don’t need you as a friend. Get out,” he said, shutting his eyes tightly. I didn’t move. He was more forceful the second time. “I said get out.”

  I couldn’t force him to let me stay. I wouldn’t convince him I was only leaving because I loved him. I’d give anything for him to love me back. But staying would mean feeling always like the second choice, the default girlfriend. I wanted him to choose our life together over a life of sad things.

  I couldn’t exist only for Derek’s survival. I couldn’t have the responsibility of lifting him out of his despair. He needed to figure that out for himself. My brain understood these truths, but my heart hated me for my decision. My heart begged me to take everything I said to him back. My heart wanted me to go back to the only man I’d ever love.

  I thought Derek had room for me in his heart, like Emily and I could coexist. But he was choosing to remain in his grief and denial. I loved him, but how long would I stay with him, waiting for him to one day wake up and fall in love with me? He believed in lies, so infatuated with an artificial love story.

  I loved him wholly with every part of me. And to stop a hurt that was a thousand times greater than losing Jake, the sensible path would involve cutting Derek out of my life completely. But Derek was in pain and he needed a friend more than he’d ever admit.

  I’m sorry. The things I said weren’t meant to hurt you. Please let me be your friend.

  The next night, I sent the text, hoping maybe Derek had time to calm down, the force of our words less raw. Because what he said hurt too, but I could emphasize, understand he was struggling to blame everyone but Emily.

  Several hours later, he finally responded to my message. I sobbed as I read his words.

  We can’t be friends. I can’t flip from feeling one way about you and turn that off the next day. The same way I can’t simply turn off my grief for Emily. You see me sinking and I won’t have you drown with me. The best thing is for both of us to let go. You were right to leave me, you deserve so much more, Alyssa.

  I understood the finality of the message. He was releasing us from whatever bond we shared. I sent him a text back, begging him to not shut me out, but I never received a response. He was wrong about what was best for me. Letting him go would be devastating.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Three weeks of silence followed from Derek. I felt a role reversal as I sent him regular text messages. Now, I was the one sending my feelings out into the void. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to gain from messaging him, a small crack in his shell, a tiny opening to allow me back into his life. I never told him how I craved him, how I would cry at night, reliving in my brain every kiss and touch we shared. Instead, I tried to regain his friendship, filling him in on details of my life and asking him how he was doing. I would write him after I received an A on an exam or when I saw him move up on the bestseller lists.

  As I was hurrying back to my apartment after work in early October, I noticed a figure leaning against the front of Birdie’s shop. Birdie was visiting her kids in Florida for the week, so she had shut down with a sign on the front door announcing her reopening date. My frown turned into a scowl as I realized who was lingering in front of the building—Jake.

  Marching over, I prepared for battle. I tried to keep my fists at my sides and not punch him in the face when I noticed his eyes run up and down my body with disapproval. I was heartbroken over Derek, but I refused to let Jake affect me that way again. “What are you doing here?” I demanded.

  “What are you wearing, Alyssa?”

  I crossed my arms in front of my chest, glaring at him. “Are you serious, Jake? I haven’t seen you in six months and you’re asking about my clothes?”

  He huffed out a breath in annoyance. “No, I’m not asking for the designer. I’m wondering why you’re wearing a waitress uniform.”

  “Because I wear this to work as a waitress, genius. And to think Bloomberg once referred to you as one of the most brilliant young legal minds in New York.”

  He looked taken aback by my words, which didn’t surprise me. He had obviously come expecting the Alyssa he’d last seen. The Alyssa who was too dead inside to show any kind of emotion. “Your boyfriend lets you work as a waitress?”

  I gave him a withering look. “No one lets me do anything. I make my own choices. Including staying the hell away from you, so you have five seconds to tell me what you’re doing here.”

  A look of forced contrition passed over his features. “I’m sorry. I’m surprised, that’s all. I thought we should talk. I also came to give you this.” Pulling open his jacket, he grabbed an envelope from the pocket inside before handing it over to me.

  “What’s this?”

  His forehead wrinkled as he stared at me. “Alyssa, you didn’t have to get your boyfriend involved. I’m not sure what your parents or Stassi told you, but I had no intention of keeping your m
oney.”

  “Jake, I have no clue what you’re talking about. I’m not in touch with my parents or Stassi. I saw them a month ago, but I made it pretty clear I don’t want any of them in my life. The same goes to you.”

  He ran his fingers through his light hair. “The courier from your boyfriend’s attorney came by to pick up your check. I bribed him to give me the address, so I could deliver it myself. I had no other way to get in touch with you.”

  I tried to keep the look of bewilderment off of my face because I was lost. He might as well have been speaking a foreign language. A courier from my boyfriend’s attorney? What check? I hated to ask him what he was talking about, giving him the upper hand once again.

  Instead, I tore into the envelope. A check for almost a million dollars was tucked inside, made out to Alyssa Carmichael. I blinked in shock, the blood rushing to my head. “Derek had an attorney make you give the money back to me,” I said flatly despite my body quivering with agitation.

  Jake regarded me with open skepticism. “Why are you acting surprised? I’m a little angry about you going through an attorney, Alyssa. You could’ve taken the money out of the account before you left, it was a joint account. I switched accounts because I had no idea what was going on with you. Your sister mentioned the possibility of drugs and I didn’t want the wrong people accessing the money.”

  I snorted in disbelief. “I left you for fucking my sister and you assumed like my narcissist sister I was doing drugs?”

  “Who knew what you were doing, Alyssa?” he demanded. “You disappeared for months. Not a single word to anyone. I understand you were mad, but you could’ve acted like a mature adult and confronted us in person about everything.” His nostrils flared as he regarded me. “Sleeping with Stassi was a mistake. She made a pass at me the night we were doing the menu tasting for the wedding. I was getting all freaked out in my head about getting married and maybe I saw her as a way out. We were only together a few times. I don’t want you to think we were screwing the entire time you and I were together.”

  “Is that an apology? Because literally that’s the most pathetic apology I ever heard.” I shook my head at him. “I don’t care anymore, Jake. I swear none of it matters. Not even the money.” I held up the envelope, waving it around in emphasis.

  “If none of it mattered, then why the lawyers? All you had to do was call and ask for the money. I didn’t give it to Stassi and your parents because they said you weren’t even talking to them. I want to make partner, Alyssa, and the last thing I need is a lawsuit. Of course, I got the money out of the account as soon as I received the demand letter on Monday.” He grimaced for a beat. “I mean, most of the money was still there. A few expenses came up because of the wedding being canceled.”

  I stifled my hysterical laughter. Jake was still a master at warping the truth to lay the blame on anyone but himself. “I didn’t sic any lawyers on you, Jake. Derek obviously felt you shouldn’t benefit from hurting me.”

  “Did I hurt you? Alyssa, I barely got the sense you even liked me most of the time. I never, ever could tell what you were thinking. With Stassi—”

  “Don’t you dare compare me to my sister, you piece of human garbage. Now, get away from me, before I decide to sue you for the two hundred thousand dollars that’s missing from the check.” His cheeks reddened, but I could tell he wasn’t going to push the argument. My threat was empty, but Jake didn’t understand that because he never knew me. He twisted away from me, charging down the street to where his Jaguar was parked at the curb. I’d never see him again and I felt comforted by the knowledge. Like with Stassi, maybe I needed to confront him and have the closure before moving on.

  I peeked at the check again, unsure of how to feel about Derek retrieving my money from Jake. Derek was obviously looking out for me, acting like a friend, despite his insistence we couldn’t have any kind of relationship with each other. Although I hadn’t heard from him in weeks, I sent him another message once I was back inside my apartment.

  You shouldn’t have hired a lawyer for me. I told you I didn’t want any of the money.

  A few minutes later, he finally replied. Seeing his name on my message screen once again gave me more joy than it should.

  Pay off school. Buy a house at the beach. Donate it. Do whatever you feel is best with the money. But I’d rather die than live with the knowledge that a monster was rewarded for the pain he caused you.

  Gripping the phone, I wanted to tell him the pain was insignificant, undetectable compared to how much agony I was in without him. Jake was irrelevant; he was from a past life. Would I be from Derek’s past life? I had told him I couldn’t wait for him to love me, but what exactly was my plan? Was I destined for the same fate as him, unable to let go of the one I believed to be my soul mate?

  ***

  Over the next month, I texted Derek at least once a week. Even if he never messaged me back, I had to try. I had to let him know I was thinking of him, willing to be his friend if he would just let me.

  I wished his silence didn’t tear me apart from the inside out. Truly, I wished moving on was as fulfilling as it had been with Jake. But no, it was dreary and sad. I resorted back to turning off my feelings, working at the diner and attending my online nursing classes on autopilot. I pretended to feel like the pain was receding, that I wasn’t lost without him. But at night, I’d allow myself to lie in bed and cry, let the sadness consume me. Torture myself over my decision to let him go. I would think maybe I’d been hasty, maybe I could’ve gone back to pretending he wasn’t in love with another woman.

  Days before Halloween, I had a weekend off from work and planned to catch up on my coursework. Jenny tended to text me constantly when we weren’t together, so I turned off my phone for the day. She was a good friend, a loyal friend who was trying everything to distract me from my heartache. She was how I always wanted my sister and me to be like. Unlike me, she had found love once again—she and Ahmed had been inseparable for months.

  By early afternoon on Sunday, I turned my phone back on to check in with Jenny. She’d worry if I ghosted her for too long. She was good at giving me space if I asked her for it, but she said too much space left room for the dark thoughts to come back.

  My phone began to chirp maniacally when I turned it back on. Groaning, I realized Jenny had probably called and texted me a dozen times since the day before. I dialed her immediately without checking the messages. “I’m sorry, are you okay? I turned my phone off to catch up on this term paper I have due next weekend and forgot to put it back on.”

  “Fuck, Alyssa, I was about to head over to your apartment! I figured you must be all upset and that’s why you turned off the phone.” Jenny sounded breathless.

  “Upset about what?”

  “Alyssa, are you kidding? Where have you been? Turn on the fucking news,” Jenny said. “Or at least go on Google or something. There’s been an arrest made in Emily’s murder.”

  “Oh no,” I moaned. “I had no idea. When did this happen?”

  “Yesterday, but I didn’t read about it until late. There was a press conference in the morning and the police said they found evidence at the home of this guy Jon Hampton. He was a married client of Emily’s and they were sleeping with each other for at least six months. Sounds like he confessed under interrogation.” Jenny was talking at light speed. “I guess after having sex, they had a fight. She wanted him to leave his wife. He attacked her, then hid her body.” I felt very close to vomiting. The information was too much to process. Because as much as I felt threatened by Emily, I knew the revelations would hurt Derek. He had needed her to die in love with him, not with another man.

  “Are you sure? Maybe the guy lied about the affair?”

  “I don’t think so. The police didn’t give details, but I guess they found evidence of a relationship. A lot of media people were questioning the cops, but they made it clear out of respect to Emily’s family, the matter wasn’t going to be discussed by them any further.
TMZ reported the more salacious details, but sources sound legit.” She took a shaky breath. Jenny was also evidently feeling invested in the story. “It’s just so sad, you know? She had this amazing guy who loved her at home and she chose the bad guy. She may have cheated on Derek, but no one deserves what she went through.”

  “You’re right. And I was hoping her killer would be found, but not like this.” I could only imagine the pain Derek was experiencing right that moment.

  “At least, he’s in jail now. He’s pure evil and was just out there living his life.” Jenny sounded furious once again. “I really hate living in a state without the death penalty sometimes.”

  “I have to talk to Derek,” I said, certain over the feeling. He didn’t want me as a friend at the second. But like how he overruled me on what would’ve been my wedding day, he would be overruled today.

  “Have you heard from him?”

  “No, but it doesn’t matter. We were always friends first and he has to know I at least care about him. I didn’t wish her to be a cheater. That was never the outcome I wanted. I just didn’t want him to ignore what was in front of him either.” He could’ve had me and he wouldn’t let himself.

  “I love you, Alyssa. And if Derek doesn’t see what an amazing friend you could be to him, then he’s a moron.”

  “I love you too. Thanks.”

  I didn’t bother turning on the news. Jenny had told me enough. Instead, I tried to call Derek. I attempted a half dozen times over the next hour with the same result. His phone was going right to voicemail and his mailbox was full. I’d have to drive over to his house in the hopes of seeing him.