Banana You Glad I Didn't Say Orange: A Love Story

by Madeline Burton

you: that being No Name. So hopefully by now, you aren’t drowning in self-pity any longer and realize that at least you’re doing better than “that guy”. So good job, take a golden star, and come back to the reality of what we are discussing. Whether it be a natural phenomenon or the end times or the world finally spicing up- there is more to the story:

  The Oranges, which we must now look at properly since they seem to have a mind of their own, have managed to scare the majority of the homo sapiens into oblivion. There are as many conspiracy theories as words in the Bible floating around. The human population is a weak one, and people are, for lack of a better word: scared. The reactions range from absolute horror, hook line and sinker depression, and excitement that now a handful of people have the excuse to use the half-million dollar apocalypse shelters stocked with guns, food, and guns. In all reality, people are overreacting. Sure, all the oranges simultaneously banding together and fleeing to The Solomon Islands is rather alarming, but life seems to be going on alright. Just no more oranges, surely it can’t be that bad?

  Days, weeks, and months go by without any resolution to the Orange outbreak. The most commonly accepted theory is that we did something, somehow, to piss them off. Perhaps it was the pesticides, the high demand, or just not enough attention. Nevertheless, there was no budging them, and anyone who decided to try to do something about it was asking for a death wish. Eventually, the world learned to ignore, and people went on with their lives. Overprotective mothers let their children go back to school, important people went back to their other important people jobs, and the end of days renegades put back their guns. All was well. The United Nations discussed, debated, and decided to outlaw all citrus fruit that may possess a threat. So the world market said goodbye to grapefruit, lemons, kumquats, limes, and all the rest of villainous suspects. Economies suffered, but they persevered. The human life was back to buzzing, polluting, fighting, demanding back to no time.

  Everything seemed to be in order until a catastrophic downturn came into play- scurvy. The human race, after eliminating the most common source of vitamin c was cast to a life of scurvy. A horrible and pitiful disease to die from. And eventually the arrogant homo sapiens began to diminish from the face of the earth. Dying one by one. The over protective mothers, the important people, and end of days renegades. All dead.

  Because I am a questioning person, just like every other individual, by now you are surely wondering what happened to No Name, even after I told you to forget about him due to his unimportance and lack of sufficient quality to make him worthwhile. Because I brought it up, I am obviously going to tell you. No he did not die of scurvy, or doing anything, actually. Our bloke died of himself. After the news report, No Name went back to the mindless environment he had grown accustomed to, and pretty much withered away. Fell asleep and never woke up. Incredibly depressing and rather putting a damper on my story and so we shall continue from where we were.

  With the human population extinct that should leave this story ended. But I ask you, if that’s how it ends how am I able to tell this story unless I was God? And I can assure you that I am no god. You see, with humankind wiped off the face of the earth that leaves nature to flourish. Humans bring a whole spiel of dilemmas when it comes to our survival and development. Fracking, exploiting, and ruining the environment one regime at a time. With the voluntary grievances on planet earth gone, the ecosystems can continue to evolve and sustain themselves like never before. Trees begin growing back, endangered animals begin to rise in numbers, and human-made toxins and wastes soon disappear. The planet seems to be back to normal, the way things were meant to be…

  But the Oranges? Ah yes, the Oranges. Everything appeared to be fine on the outside, but if you paid any attention to details you would see that the ape population was getting angry. The Oranges, who seem to have an extremely developed self-awareness, have been sending troops all over the world, scoping out possible territories to take over and rule supreme. A human instinct living alive in a fruit. How peculiar. The Orange population was rising rapidly and was beginning to be hard to contain on a simple string of islands. New land was necessary if they wanted to progress their kind any further. The Orange spies were causing a bit of a predicament in Ape territory with unplanned deaths, captured prisoners, and battle plans gone wrong. The Apes were beginning to form an army to claim back what was rightfully theirs. They trained their troops months at a time. Stamina, agility, stealth, and combat tactics were becoming second nature. Eventually, the majority of the Ape population was a War-Thirsty group ready to claim back what was taken from them.

  When the humans were curious about the moving fruit, they tried to intersect the orange crop by catching it. This is where things get a bit delusional and a tad chaotic. How is an orange able to do the things that people claimed: electrify, immobilize, and engulf in flames? Surely this isn’t a capable thing to do, but nonetheless many people accepted that truth and fell victim. Perhaps one person thought it’s capability into their own individual authenticity and so it became genuine for others, and then entire societies beyond that. Sure the fruit can migrate how they please, but possess super human powers seems entirely unlikely. Yet, that seems to be what happened. The human conscience in a peculiar instrument that is easy to fold, stretch, shatter. Once a splinter has occurred within the human stream of consciousness, anything can be conceivable and anything can be acceptable. This raises the question on whether or not the oranges possess super human powers, or if they even moved in the first place. I can assure you that yes, they did physically move themselves, but the capability to physically injure a human being is more of a flaw in human reasoning to accept the supernatural. So no, oranges possessing a power beyond what is humanely possible is unlikely. What is more likely, is human beings tricking themselves into believing something extraordinary, and thus throwing themselves into an un-extraordinary consequence that would lead to their downfall as the ruling species.

  The Apes began the revolt by attacking the fort the Oranges had set up on the edge of the Ape’s territory. Apes are logical creatures, and unlike the stupidity of the humans, were able to understand that the oranges are highly unlikely to physically harm anyone. Because they understood this recognizable reality, they stormed the sleeping Orange’s camp and devoured every last one of those capable but not-so-able Oranges until they were nothing more than oranges. Victory and a full stomach led the Apes into a fit of celebration and jubilation. The Ape’s military commanders made plans to go out the following week to find the remaining of the Oranges and bring reconciliation.

  Now we won’t go into detail about the various battle scenes because of the absurdity, and quickness that they were delivered in, but I will tell you that in Orange territory, the Apes found the long lost citrus’ that had been outlawed all that time ago being genetically modified by the head Orange scientist. The Apes did not neglect the hybrid fruits, nor did they ignore the baby Oranges that had not yet ripened. Instead they collected the oranges-yet-to-be-Oranges and went home. They taught the Oranges how to be oranges and accept natural selection so as not to have another wipe-out of a species. All was well. The Oranges were out of their rebellious phase, the Apes had once again become portly and lethargic. Though the Apes were languid, they were respected by the entirety of the community of animals and were crowned the supreme rulers and wise men of Earth. They were revered and they counseled other species when they were in need. Their culture became complex, and so did the world.

  Thousands of years pass as the Apes begin to evolve with their thoughts, until one day when they are less hairy, and stand straighter, and begin to make audible variations in tone and communicate with a sort of vocabulary; an “Ape” discovers fire. The spark that started a fire sparked a fire in the development of the Ape race, which is, you surely understand now the Human race. A wheel, domestication of plants and animals, railroads, electricity, and some skyscrapers later brings us to the modern times. And in the modern times we have people. But mo
st importantly, we have a Person, a Man, if you will.

  2

  There are people who go through their normal routine without ever ceasing. They are pitiful creatures, and I hold very little respect for them. It’s not that they cannot change, but they will not change. Often times they get caught up in the comfortable. For example, Man. Man is a person much like No Name. He is stuck in a loop and cannot get out. He has no one and no one has him. The only things he has are his bathroom florescent, tattered shirts, 9-5 job, and oranges.

  One day, after going through his morning ritual, feeling void of any happiness and contempt, he goes to grab an orange. Instead there is nothing but air. Man does something out of the ordinary and goes to the grocery store to buy some oranges. He has a change in schedule. There is a differential in his day, and this is what sets this particular, still seemingly boring day apart. Man actually gets in his car and drives to the grocery store. Whenever our Man of solemnity arrives at said grocery store a quest, of sorts commenced. Spending the majority of his time gazing at