Collected Works of Frances Trollope

by Frances Milton Trollope

  Their passage to New York was agreeable in every way. The weather was fine, the sea calm, the breakfasts, dinners, and suppers, abundant, and their spirits very considerably above par. Even Patty was in a good humour, notwithstanding her forced exit, for she was amusing herself by arranging lots of schemes for the future, by which she and her beautiful Don might emancipate themselves from the tyranny of the “old fogrums,” and return to what it was very evident must in the end secure them very large fortunes, as well as fun for everlasting. The terror into which the Don himself had been thrown, by what he perfectly well knew was a positive failure, rendered the sort of tacit forgiveness and restoration to favour which he had found at the hands of his august parents-in-law very like a return to paradise. His precious Patty had never yet known what it was to be hungry without having the means of satisfying the craving; but he had, and this made a very remarkable difference in the value they respectively set upon the paternal protection. However, he by this time knew his beloved too well to risk the harmony which at present existed between them, by venturing to hint at any such dull realities, and continued to listen to her plots and plans, her hopes and wishes, her intentions and resolves, with an approving smile that rendered anything like a dispute impossible.

  At length the beautiful commercial metropolis of the western world was reached. The beams of the setting sun danced over the waves which, however sheltered from the winds, were for ever and ever agitated by the oars, the paddles, and the keels of ceaseless industry, and the whole scene was so animated, and so brilliant, that even the languid Tornorino exclaimed —

  “Nest-ce pas beau, Patti!”

  Our amiable and sociable travellers had, as usual, contrived to make acquaintance with some of their fellow-passengers, and by dint of answering all questions readily, and with a judicious mixture of admiration of the glorious country, and insinuations of their own high station in the humble little island from whence they came, their progress from the Battery to the most fashionable house in Broadway was marshalled by two members of congress and a senator, who all seemed anxious to testify their good-will towards strangers so every way respectable.

  On reaching the boarding-house no questions were asked about recommendations; they entered with Mr. Crop, Mr. Griskin, and Mr. Fad. This was recommendation enough, for besides their legislative honours, Mr. Crop was a general merchant in an enormous way of business, My. Griskin a partner in seventeen banks in different towns of the Union, and Mr. Fad the editor of three newspapers, and nine other weekly or monthly periodicals, all of which he thought might benefit by intimate association with so liberal and well-informed a traveller as the major had already proved himself to be. A few words from each of the distinguished gentlemen, whispered in a little side parlour to the head of the establishment, were sufficient to procure for our wanderers the very best rooms vacant in the house, as well as every other boarding house attention, calculated to make them feel, in the native phrase, “quite at home.”

  It was not, however, till the following day that my heroine and her daughter burst upon the large party domesticated at Broadway House in full splendour, and then they were immediately acknowledged by all the company as a pair of the most first-rate females that had appeared from the old country for a long spell. It was, indeed, a prodigious relief to Mrs. Allen Barnaby to find herself released from the Quaker restraint which she had submitted to at Philadelphia, and she certainly made the most of the opportunity now offered of showing off her “nice things,” as well as her nice self. Patty was, as usual, exceedingly brilliant; and as no city of the known world sets a higher value upon fine dresses than New York, the result of this display was extremely satisfactory.

  “A person must be somebody, to wear such a velvet and such lace as Mrs. Allen Barnaby,” was the acute observation of one lady.

  “And it was impossible a mere nobody could wear such rich satin as Madame Tornorino for a mere ordinary dinner-party at a boarding-house,” said another.

  The estimate formed of the major and his son-in-law was equally favourable; the former being pronounced to be about the best pattern of an Englishman that had been sent out; and the Don declared to be, especially by the ladies, a perfect model of a man, particularly as to his “whiskers.”

  The agreeable impressions thus produced by the appearance and manners of the strangers led to a proposition in favour of the major and the Don, which was by no means usual at an American boarding-table. Instead of dispersing here, there, and everywhere, as soon as the operation of eating was over, the gentlemen of the party gathered round the new comers, as the ladies left the room, and civilly proposed that they should take their cigars together, either with wine or spirits, as might be most agreeable to the “Europyans.”

  The proposition was of course as amiably received as made; for no man ever saw Major Allen Barnaby decline so favourable an opportunity of making himself acquainted with the statistics of any new region into which his eventful life might have led him. Whatever the major did on such occasions of course the Don did also; so that in a very few minutes after the table was cleared of the meats, and the room of the ladies, a knot of seven gentlemen were snugly drawn together at the upper part of the board, with spirits, sugar, water, wine, cigars, tobacco, and whatever else such a party were likely to require for the purpose of making themselves comfortable.

  Now this was exceedingly frank and hospitable — that is to say, nationally, not individually, hospitable; for of course every man was to pay his own expenses on the occasion. But, as far as it went, it rather exceeded the usual bounds of civility manifested under similar circumstances. Every effect, however, has a cause, and so had this. Perhaps there is no city upon the earth to which, in proportion to its size, so great a number of speculative adventurers resort, as New York. Every man, therefore, who appears there, without introductions announcing his avowed and specific object, naturally becomes an object of curiosity if not of suspicion. If the stranger so arriving be evidently a poor man, his poverty acts as a wet blanket upon this curiosity, and he is left to himself; at any rate no more notice is taken of him than that manifested by the hundred and one questions as to who, what, whence, why, and whither, to which all new comers are naturally subjected in a country so desirous of general information as the United States. But where a party is seen to display so glittering an exterior as that exhibited by the Allen Barnaby race, the sensation produced is very considerable; and such a hospitable manœuvre as that above described, is likely enough to be resorted to, in order to elicit the real object of their crossing the Atlantic, besides that of looking at “the most glorious country under the sun.”

  Major Allen Barnaby was not “that soft,” as the Yankees express it, to feel the slightest doubt as to the cause of the amiable eagerness with which his acquaintance appeared to be sought, and while in the very act of bowing his acquiescence to the agreeable proposal, he made up his mind to turn the cross-examination to account.

  “Capital claret that, and capital whisky this,” said the beloved of our heroine, as he imbibed the first sip of the favourite mixture, by which a single glass of claret all round was followed. “What a glorious country this is, gentlemen! Cross the Atlantic to visit it! Upon my soul, though I am no longer so young as I was, I should think nothing of sailing a dozen times round the world in the regular Captain Cook style only to get a look at it.”

  “We do count it a pretty considerable fine country, sir,” replied a senior member of the boarding-house mess; “and I must say that I expect the nation is gaining ground among the Europyans, for a precious sight of ’em steam over nowadays to give us a look. But I dubiate, a good deal, Major Barnaby, sir, if they will any of them become sufficiently availed of the real original cause of our unequalled prosperity and advancement, to do much good in the old worn-out country when they get back again. It is not that easy to reform fundamantal mischief, sir, as a considerable number of your countrymen seem to suppose.”

  “Reform! sir,” exclaimed
Major Allen Barnaby, snapping his fingers; “I scorn the word, I scorn it as I am sure, gentlemen, that you must all scorn it in your hearts. What has it done for us? Nothing, absolutely nothing. It is not reform we want, it is revolution. Has our boasted reform brought us one inch nearer to the constitution of the United States of America? That is the question I ask, and let any one give a favourable answer if he can.”

  “Why for that matter,” said one of the legislative gentlemen, in reply, “I expect you must still pocket the affront of being told that the government of England is as far behind the government of America, as your Virginia Water is to our Niagara. It don’t do to talk of them together, sir. You’ll excuse me, but it’s no manner of use to draw a parallel. The superiority on our side is that much, as to make it not any way a civil subject of discourse between us.”

  “I appreciate your delicacy, sir,” replied the major, with a deep sigh. “However, in my case,” he added, “it is, I am happy to say, less necessary than in that of most other persons. For the fact is, I am determined to shake off the yoke.”

  Major Allen Barnaby would not have arrived at the age of fifty-five years with so much prosperity as we know he had done, if he had not possessed a considerable portion of that ready tact which enables a man, and a woman too, to discover if what they utter produces the effect they wish.

  The major, on the present occasion, perceived in an instant, that a glance was sent round from eye to eye, that seemed to say, “What does that mean?” and with equal rapidity of thought, he recollected that many English subjects who had “thrown off the yoke,” had done so not solely to enjoy the happiness of visiting the great republic, but because their little monarchy have given hints that it had had enough of them. But he corrected this trifling blunder admirably.

  “Shake it off!” he said, with a deep sigh. “Alas! gentlemen, that is more easily said than done. To a man in my position I well know that the doing this effectually is impossible. I have large property in England, landed property, unfortunately, and unless I intend to turn beggar as well as republican, I cannot at once turn my back upon the country where it lies.”

  The glances were now accompanied by a satisfactory sort of little nod, that seemed to say, “All’s right.”

  “That’s an unhandsome predicament,” said one of the members of congress. “But at any rate, sir, before you go back again to your poor, tumble-down, old place, you may gratify yourself by listening to a little first-rate eloquence in congress, which is what not many of your nation is capable of enjoying, seeing that, naturally enough, as I think you will allow, we most times take the freedom of expressing our thoughts concerning the old country, and now and then we can’t but see that if any English is present, they winces a little under the lash. However, with you, sir, as it seems, the case will be altogether different; for it is clear to see, you would not mind seeing the old lady, our great-grandmother, as the young folks call her, get a box in the ear.”

  “Not the least in the world, sir, I do assure you,” replied Major Allen Barnaby, with a laugh. “You may knock her about exactly as much as you like, I promise you I shall never interfere to protect her.”

  The major then launched out on the theory of government, and exerted himself to the utmost to prove his entire conviction that the republican form was the only one to which any reasonable man would willingly submit himself; but a good deal to his surprise, he found that all his new acquaintance began to yawn, and display symptoms, more or less equivocal, of finding his conversation exceedingly tiresome.

  Major Allen Barnaby was not a man easily induced to doubt his own powers when he chose to exert them, and yet he could not but suspect now that there must be some deficiency of warmth and vigour in his eloquence: and being exceeding anxious to inspire, if possible, a little of the ardent sort of admiration which had rewarded his lady’s exertion in the south, he started off anew, taking the glorious and immortal Washington for his theme, and protesting that his code, and his only, was that to which regenerated Europe would henceforward be willing to submit herself. But again his audience yawned, and it is possible that the expression of his countenance was indicative of surprise, mortification, or both; for the gentleman who sat immediately opposite to him said, with a funny sort of smile —

  “You must not take it ill, Major Barnaby, sir, if you don’t find us New Yorkers overmuch given to reason about principles, and politics, and all that sort of thing; for to say the truth, there is not one of us cares a button about it, from first to last. You mentioned just now, sir, that you had made for New Orlines when you crossed. And there now, they will talk about principles, and the rights of ownership, and the natural difference between free-borns and slaves, from July to eternity; but the thing is quite different here. We don’t care a cent about principles, having quite enough to do, looking after principal. Do you bite, sir? That’s the reason why you do not find us altogether so much taken with your very good and esteemable notions as we otherwise might be. But perhaps, sir, you are not yourself at all in the mercantile line? and in that case I expect you’ll find that you are considerably thrown out among us.”

  “Not mercantile, my dear sir?” returned the major; “you are altogether mistaken in that supposition, I do assure you. Few men have speculated more largely or more variously than myself; and I am at this very moment looking out for a good opportunity of investing a tolerably large sum of money in any concern in this country that is satisfactorily established, and promises tolerably well.” —

  People talk of the brilliant effect of a sudden burst of sunshine upon a landscape, and it is certainly very striking; but what is it when compared to that produced by this last sentence of Major Allen Barnaby? Every eye kindled; every head was brought forward; every ear seemed to erect itself; every nostril to expand, as if game were afoot, and each living creature there instantly straining upon the slips to pursue it.

  The clever major saw that he had made a hit, and immediately assumed a quiet, meditative air, as if the subject touched him too nearly to permit its being lightly discussed. He no longer continued to be the principal speaker as before, but stirred his hot toddy, and appear more inclined to hear than to be heard.

  But there was no longer any danger that the conversation should flag. First, the gentleman next him on the right-hand began to open upon the subject of banks, by a leading observation muttered in his ear; and then the gentleman to the left said decisively, as he began mixing a second tumbler, “Part ownership in a good vessel well engaged and well manned, is out and out the best venture going while a third, from another point, hemmed aloud in order to command attention, and then pronounced with all the dignity of a lawgiver (which indeed he was), that there were shares now on sale in a canal that he could mention, a deal surer in the way of property than the Bank of England, and bringing a certain return of from twenty to thirty per cent, instead of three; adding, with an intelligent nod of the head, “I should be happy to talk with you a little, sir, on that subject, whenever you happen to be at leisure.”

  The major now, in an extremely short space of time, felt that he knew his company as well as if he had passed a year with them, and cleverly enough did he contrive to propitiate them all. Not a word they uttered seemed lost upon him; nay, if two or three of them spoke together, he still contrived by some grimace or other to make each one believe that he was the individual to whom, if the other gentleman would permit it, he most desired to listen.

  All this answered very well, as far as it went, but it was rather dull work, too, for the major to go on talking for an hour together about dollars and dollars, and yet never once to hear the exhilarating words, bet or stake. However, he knew perfectly well that there were more ways than one by which a man of genius might turn his wit to profit, and the sitting broke up at last with precisely the sort of speeches, about being happy to make his acquaintance, which he desired to receive. And make his acquaintance in some way or other, he was quite determined they should, though he felt that it wou
ld require rather more time than at New Orleans, to decide in what way it might be done with the best chance of conducing to the one great end he ever had in view.

  CHAPTER XXXV.

  MRS. ALLEN BARNABY, meanwhile, did not absolutely lose her time, for she talked to everybody who would listen to her, about her house in Curzon-street, and going to court, and holding something very like a court at home, and, in short, she did her own honours with the greatest possible perseverance and energy. Her success, however, if not altogether equivocal, was at best but various; the New York ladies, even those who occasionally take a “spell of boarding,” are considerably “ahead” of such of their southern sisters as have not traversed the Atlantic; and though the velvets and satins did a good deal towards standing in the place of introductions, they did not do quite so much as she expected.

  My observant heroine, too, now found the difference between addressing herself to a master passion and letting it alone. Had she presented as presents to her new companions some of her most precious and transferable articles of finery, instead of merely displaying them, it is possible that she might have advanced more rapidly in their good graces; inasmuch as it has been repeatedly asserted by analytical-minded travellers, that the master-passion of the majority of fair ones at New York is dress; but no such expedient suggested itself either to Mrs. Allen Barnaby or her daughter. The latter, indeed, had by no means permanently recovered her good humour, still considering herself as one of the most cruelly-treated specimens of human genius on record, and believing firmly, and hinting plainly, that nothing but her mother’s jealous envy of the fame that awaited her, had caused her being thus violently withdrawn from the profession she had embraced with so much enthusiasm.

  My heroine, on the contrary, with that fine buoyancy of spirits which ever distinguished her, suffered not herself to be depressed in the slightest degree by discovering that for the time being she was not likely to make any particular use or profit from the folks around her. Instead of yielding to any such useless and enervating weakness, she recapitulated clearly and distinctly in her well-trained and able mind, the various sources of solid profit which she and her spouse between them had contrived to find on a soil rather more famed for acquiring money than for yielding it. The sum total of these successes was respectable in amount, and the time consumed by the acquirement of it, comparatively short; wherefore she very reasonably determined to make use of the unavoidable interval of exertion, which now seemed to have occurred, by enjoying herself without repining or regret.