Collected Works of Frances Trollope

by Frances Milton Trollope

  “How could you be so stupid, Patty? However, this is no time to stand mumming and making fun,” continued my heroine, for she indeed it was, who had thus unceremoniously addressed the party. “Look along the road, major,” she added, applying herself to the ear of the tall lady who still rested on the arm of Don Tornorino. “Look along the road, and you will see in what direction the danger lies. You and I must not go that way. Stop one minute, all of you, and I will tell you what must be done. You and I, Madame Feathers-and-lace, must just betake ourselves to the shelter of that particularly dark-looking corner yonder between that barn-looking building and the trees, and there, I flatter myself, we may contrive both to hide ourselves till the steamboat is off again; and then, by the help of this basket and bundle, make ourselves, both of us, more fit to be seen. You, Tornorino and Patty, must immediately run back to look after the luggage. Here is some silver for you to pay one of those porters there that are galloping with their trucks down to the landing-place to look after a job. When you have got everything on shore, five trunks, two portmanteaus, three hampers, and four carpet-bags, REMEMBER, when you have got it all together, take it to the first handsome-looking hotel you come to; there, look, Tornorino, it must be that house where, dark as it is getting, you can distinguish so many people before the door. Take all the things there, and as soon as you have heard the bell ring, and seen the boat fairly off, the major and I will come strolling up, as if we had but just that minute stepped on shore, and you and Patty had better be on the look-out for us.”

  Even Patty seemed at this moment to feel that it was a masterspirit who thus rapidly dictated what was to be done, and with a greater degree of passive obedience than was at all usual to her, she quietly placed herself by her husband’s side, took hold of his offered arm, and without another word being spoken by any of the party, they divided, and marched off exactly as my ready-witted heroine had commanded. —

  The most intimate knowledge of the locality could not have enabled this admirable woman more judiciously to select a spot for arranging the attire of herself and husband than the one which she had thus instinctively chosen; no eye, no sound, no even imagined danger, occurred to scare or interrupt them, and several minutes before the parting bell of the steamboat was heard, they were both of them attired in all respects exactly as they had been when they first stepped on board her. The interval of waiting which followed was gratefully employed by the major in expressing to his charming wife a part, at least, of the admiration and tenderness which her admirable conduct had inspired. Nothing, in fact, could be more amiable than the manner in which these sentiments were uttered and received; Major and Mrs. Allen Barnaby were indeed a perfect pattern couple.

  The signal for which they had waited having been at length heard, and sufficient time allowed for the little wharf near which they had to pass, to have recovered its usual tranquillity, the excellently-matched pair walked forth from the shelter of the lofty catalpa trees, beneath which they had repaired their toilets, and one taking the bag, and the other the basket, with the careless air with which active-minded travellers do take bags and baskets on quitting steamboats, they sauntered, arm-in-arm, first to the wharf, and then from the wharf, with the aspect and manner of intelligent and curious strangers, desirous of looking about them, and seeing everything that was to be seen.

  In this manner they approached the Washington’s Head hotel, at the door of which they found the grinning Patty, and her more sober-minded spouse, who both greeted them at the same moment; the former by clapping her hands, and exclaiming, “Well done, ma and pa! If you ain’t two good ones!”

  The latter, by gently observing that, “All de tings were com, and rooms bespeak.”

  Never had Mrs. Allen Barnaby walked up a room with more dignity than she now did that of the table d’hote of the Washington’s Head. It was nearly impossible at any time that she could pass unnoticed, so peculiarly striking were her person and demeanour, but it now was less possible than ever. The triumph of success, the pride of genius, and the consciousness of noble daring, brightened her eye, and rendered firm her step. Every eye in the room was fixed upon her. The observant major saw this and trembled. But the same benignant destiny which had bestowed my heroine upon him as a wife, seemed to guard him at this happy moment from any accident which might render this blessing abortive; for not one of the passengers who had accompanied them from Buffalo was in the room, or even the house. Of those who had landed, by for the greater number had returned on board; and of the rest, some had gone at once to their homes in the town of Cleveland, and the rest to some other of the hotels.

  It was not immediately, however, that even our hold major ventured to look about him sufficiently to ascertain this important and very agreeable fact; but at length, as his modest glances reached further and further round the room, he felt delightedly convinced that so it was. Anything more genial, more domestically sociable, more liberally cheering than this sapper at the Washington’s Head, Cleveland, can scarcely be imagined. The major ordered champagne, the ladies declared it first-rate, and the Don, whose happy temperament never required anything for the enjoyment of perfect felicity but the absence of want of all kinds, and the presence of all such good things as his taste particularly approved, was perfectly touching in his manner of partaking his repast; and when he said, as the last drop was drained from the second bottle into the glass of his august mother-in-law— “Ah, ma! one little drop more for my Pati!” it would have, required a much harder heart than that of the major to have withstood the hint. A third bottle of champagne was accordingly ordered, and when it had vanished, and not till then, my heroine and her fair daughter retreated for the night, leaving the major and his son-in-law to talk over the adventures of the last few days.

  CHAPTER XLI.

  IT can surprise nobody to hear that Mrs. Allen Barnaby did not rise very early on the following morning. She really had exerted herself greatly through the eventful day which had been passed on board the steamboat, and even the very act of taking what she felt to be needful refreshment afterwards, contributed to the necessity of lengthened rest on the following morning. It was not, therefore, till past ten o’clock on that morning, that my heroine was Been majestically descending the stairs of the hotel, adorned with very considerable care and elegance, and with an expression of countenance perfectly radiant from the effect of the meditations in which she had indulged during the time she had employed in dressing. Her position was, in truth, at this moment such as could not fail to cheer the spirits of any woman possessed of such a mind as hers. No philosopher, whether ethical, moral, or military, could be more aware of the sinewy species of strength and power given by money, than was my heroine; and never had she felt so delightful an assurance of having money at her command as at that moment. The very stairs, as they creaked beneath her tread, seemed to do her homage, while the glances of a group of men stationed at the street does, which stood open immediately in front of her as she descended, caused her to remember that, considering her size, she had a very well-formed foot, and thus, as is the case of the charming Musidora —

  A sence

  Of self-approving beauty stole across

  Her busy thought — and completed the happiness of the moment.

  But, alas for the short-lived felicity of mortals! Scarcely had the smile suggested by the thought above alluded to dimpled on her cheek, than her eye caught the countenance of her husband, which, equally to her surprise and displeasure, was no longer decked in grateful and affectionate jocosity, as she had reasonably hoped to meet it, but wore an aspect of uneasiness and gloom that seemed to speak of anything rather than difficulties overcome, and a heart at ease.

  “What’s in the wind now?” thought she, as she made the last step of the descent, and swung herself with a graceful sort of impetus round the final banister, in order to follow the direction in which her husband’s eye, and the movement of his head, seemed to marshal her.

  The moment the major perceived that she
understood his signals, he walked rapidly on, and at the distance of some paces disappeared within a door, through which she also passed the minute after, and then, with equal surprise and alarm, saw him shut and bolt it behind her.

  “What on earth is the matter now, Major Allen Barnaby?” said she, knitting her brows, and looking at least a dozen years older than she had done a few minutes before. “You surely have not found time enough to get into another scrape?”

  “You should say, my dear, that I have not found time enough to get out of an old one. How much or how little danger threatens me at this moment, I am really unable to say; but perhaps when I have told you exactly what I have heard, you may be able to give me better advice than I could give myself. You know, my dear, what a confidence I have in your judgment, and upon my honour I never wanted a little help more in my life, for hang me if I know which way to turn, or what to do.”

  “Let me hear the worst at once,” she replied with some slight movement of impatience; “I dare say I shall find a way out of the scrape just as easily as you found your way into it.”

  “Heaven grant you may, my dear, but I shall say you are a witch if you do. The case is this: I got up this morning, while you were still fast asleep, and on coming down stairs I found a whole bevy of gentlemen tipplers taking their morning dram at the bar. I threw a pretty sharp look amongst them to find out if any of our late fellow passengers were of the set, and presently became perfectly certain that there was not one. Whereupon I drew near among the rest, and although, as you know well enough I am no great dram-drinker, I called for a glass like the others, that I might see and hear a little what was going on. The first words which regaled my ears were these: ‘ A pretty considerable queer spec old Gabriel Monkton seems after this go. Did you hear about it, colonel?’ The personage thus addressed was no other than our right worshipful landlord, and he replied with all the dignity of his military rank, and his distinguished office united, ‘ Hear of it? I expect I did. Gabriel has promised me I don’t know how many votes if I will keep a sharp look-out after the females. And that I promised, and that I’ll do, provided I can be availed of what they are like and where they are lodged. The man himself, him what he suspects, you know, is still snug enough on board, he told me, but the woman and another man belonging to them was to land last night, on account of our glorious lake disagreeing with their English stomachs. If it wasn’t for Gabriel’s telling me the man was still aboard, and that the woman had but one man with them, I should be apt to suspect that we had got the very identical set in the house at this moment.’ Now, wife, what do you say to that, by way of a pleasant hint? And how, in the d — l’s name are we to steer clear through such a confounded set of breakers as it is easy to see ahead?”

  “You have not told me all, as yet, major,” said my heroine, Die by anxiously; “you have not told me if any of the party took particular notice of you?”

  “Not the least in the world,” he replied. “Half-a-dozen of them began immediately to talk together, and having paid my fip’ for my glass to a young urchin who was acting as deputy to his father at the bar, I suffered three or four fresh stragglers to push on before me to listen to the long-winded colonel’s history of all that was known or suspected about myself, and quietly withdrew from the infernal set without appearing to attract the least attention from any one. Now then, wife, that is all and everything I have got to tell you; and I shall be very happy, in my turn, to listen to anything and everything you may wish to say upon it, by way of commentary.”

  It was at least two minutes before Mrs. Allen Barnaby answered this appeal, but so eloquently meditative was her countenance that the major, notwithstanding the urgent necessity he felt there was for immediate action, betrayed no symptom of impatience, but waited in perfect silence till his charming oracle spoke.

  “This is just about the worst job we’ve had, major,” she said at length; “for as sure as you stand there, we shall have a regular hue and cry after us throughout the country; and as it is not possible to stir an inch without being examined by every man, woman, and child you meet, as if you were before a court of justice, it will certainly be no easy matter to keep clear of discovery. However, it won’t do, Donny, to stand still in despair, and cry ‘ all’s over! ‘ We are neither of us fit for that sort of pitiful work. Faint heart, they say, never won fair lady, and I am sure faint heart never saved bold gentleman. Do you remember, my dear, the sort of dress and demeanour which your lively fancy induced you to assume when you were first introduced to my relations, the Huberts, at Brighton?”

  “Oh yes, perfectly,” said the major, briskly. “I thought it advisable to be in the saint line then, in order to assimilate myself to the character of the former Mr. O’Donagough.”

  “Exactly so, my dear,” said his wife; “but though you remember this, I am sure you do not remember (for it was impossible you could judge of it) the inconceivable alteration which this dress and manner made in your appearance. It is impossible any disguise could be more complete. What I should propose, therefore, is, that you resume this for the time we remain in the country. For let rumours be circulated about you either from New Orleans, Big-Gang Bank, Philadelphia, New York, or this nasty, hateful Lake Erie, this disguise would completely baffle them all, for in neither of these places, my dear, did you think proper to appear at all in the likeness of a saint. And besides, you know, there is not a country in the whole world where it would be likely to answer better in every respect; for while we were at the Springs I heard a dozen different histories at the very least, ail showing the extraordinary respect and veneration in which the travelling evangelical preachers are held. They told me that if a new dancing-girl and a new preacher appeared in a town at the same time, it was always a very close run contest between them, and generally ended by all the gentlemen following the dancer, and all the ladies the preacher. Now this would do for you exactly, Donny, because none of your little tricks have been played off upon the ladies, and therefore none of them, go where we may, will be likely to find you out.”

  “But surely, my dear, you don’t expect me actually to set up for a preacher?” cried the major, looking a good deal alarmed.

  “And pray, why not, Major Allen Barnaby?” replied his high-spirited wife; “what in the work! should prevent you?”

  “The not having your universal and commanding genius, Mrs. Allen Barnaby,” he rejoined, adding, very gravely, “I have not the slightest objection to shave close, mustache, favoris, and all, if you advise it, and I shall not wonder if, infact, it were to prove the very best thing I could possibly do. But as to mounting a pulpit, I must confess that I do not feel a call for it. I am convinced that I should stand staring at the congregation like a fool, without being aide to say a word.”

  “Nonsense, major! When did you ever find it difficult to palaver? You are the very man for it. We will just contrive, if we can, that you shall hear some high-flying preacher once, and when you see how it is done, you will find it easy enough to set off in the same style, I’ll be bound for you.”

  “Well, then — set about it, my Barnaby! You are a wonder of a woman, and I believe you could make me do anything in the world that you took it into your head to command. Just say when I must shave, and where I must go, and what I must preach, and you shall find me a perfect pattern of obedience.”

  “You are a perfect pattern of wisdom, Bonny, I will say that for you. A wise man, when he is sinking, always holds fast — I take it — to what he thinks is most likely to float, and that you do this, my good major, I believe nobody will deny; and for that very reason, my dear, you will always find me ready and willing to hold out a helping hand to save you.”

  “Upon my soul! I have found it so, and I should more than once have been puzzled to know what to do without you, there is no denying it. Now, then, I presume you mean to be off from this place directly. There’s a boat goes by to Sandusky at eleven this morning, and another at nine in the evening, but, of course, the first will suit us bes
t.”

  “Bo you really think so, major?” said my heroine, looking in his face, with an eye that laughed very saucily. “If you do, I must confess that I do think you want a little of my assistance.”

  “What do you mean?” said the major, slightly frowning, but at the same time firmly resolved to preserve his good humour, let his lady say what she would; “what can you mean by saying that?”

  “I mean, Major Allen Barnaby,” replied his wife, with mock solemnity, “that, if it be your will and pleasure to decide upon this mode of proceeding, the chances are about a thousand to one in favour of our being followed to Sandusky as suspicious characters.”

  “I have no doubt of it, Mrs. Allen Barnaby,” replied the persecuted gentleman, rather tartly; “my own opinion is that the chances are about two thousand to half a one in favour of the agreeable catastrophe to which you allude.”

  “Then why risk it, my love?” said his wife, hanging her head sentimentally, and speaking with great tenderness of accent.

  “And how avoid it?” he returned, precisely with the same attitude and tone.

  “Wait one instant, and I will tell you,” said his wife, placing her finger on her forehead and closing her eyes to give her thought uninterrupted range within. Having remained thus alone, as it were, for half a moment, she said, “In this way you must avoid it. Let us both immediately return to our room, you mounting the stairs first, and I behind you. No particular notice has been directed your way as yet. All was bustle and confusion when we came in last night, the waiters had just time enough to bring us all we called for, and, as it seemed, no more; for, if you remember, there was not one of them that remained in the room a moment after the wine, or whatever it was, had been set down. This morning, by your account, there was no more leisure for curious examination, than there was last night, so that I flatter myself you and your whiskers are not as yet much known by sight among them. Having reached our room, Donny, we will lock the door, and then I will shear you as close as a May-day lamb, in which operation your razor shall assist my scissors. And, then, Major Allen Barnaby, I will open the smallest of the three great trunks, and prove to you that, if I do upon some occasions expend a great deal in dress, with a view to the honour and respectability of my family, there are others when the most thoughtful economy in this respect is the rule of my actions. Do you remember, my dear, the blade and gray suit in which you dined at the house of my nephew, General Hubert, at Brighton?”