“Wait!” I said, standing and walking to him. “If you were so worried about my mental health, about being with someone like me, why did you finally write to me?”
“I told you. I felt guilty about my behavior, about ignoring you . . . what difference does any of that make now? We fell in love, didn’t we? We have a wonderful future. Why dredge up the troubled past? That’s why everyone’s so upset with what you did today.”
I knew what Cassie was going to whisper, even before she did.
“It was Lucille, wasn’t it? Lucille contacted you and told you to write to me.”
“Stop this!” he pleaded. “If you really love your father, you’ll stop this.”
Then, before I could ask or say another thing, he turned and went out the door. I stood there looking at the closed door, my heart pounding like a fist on the inside of my chest. I gasped to catch my breath.
Cassie had arranged for me to have a baby.
Lucille had arranged for me to have a husband.
Nothing’s changed. And nothing will, until I change it. I turned to see her sitting on my bed.
“All of this began with you,” I said. “It’s your fault. You have to help me.”
She smiled with glee. “Why do you think I’ve come back?”
Cassie
DADDY AND ETHAN looked shaken at dinner, even somewhat frightened. Neither looked at me very much, and both tried to keep the conversation focused on business issues at the Heaven-stone Corporation. Lucille, however, was as cool and collected as ever. If anything, she was ingratiating toward me, complimenting me on my hair and my dress, which was, after all, one of the dresses she’d had me buy for my honeymoon. There was also a tone in her voice that made me feel as if she was handling me, keeping me from going stark raving mad. Every once in a while, she glanced at Daddy to see if he was appreciating how clever she was with me. He was obviously happy she was the one doing it and not he.
Ethan, on the other hand, looked as if he was holding his breath every time I spoke, especially when I spoke to Lucille. But I wasn’t going to do anything outlandish. Cassie’s advice was to behave as if nothing at all had occurred, so as not to give them an opportunity to dismiss me as emotionally unstable. If that happened, there would be no question that Daddy would ask Dr. Ryan to put me on medication and see me on a regular basis again.
After dinner, Daddy and Lucille went to the den to have their usual after-dinner drinks and perhaps watch some television. Ethan suggested that he and I take a walk, as if fresh air would clear our heads of the cobwebs of twisted thoughts and fears that had come out of nowhere like a common cold.
“We’ll join you later,” he told them. “Feeling better?” he asked me moments after we had stepped out.
“Yes.”
“Good. What do you say we go out tomorrow night for dinner? I was going to introduce you to one of our executives and his wife, but maybe we’ll leave that for another time and just have a quiet dinner together.”
“Yes, maybe I’ll meet them next time,” I said.
I could feel him stealing glances at me as we strolled through the garden. My silence was unnerving him, but I had nothing I wanted to say. It was as if we were parallel to each other on tightropes, afraid to turn our heads and look at each other because we might fall. I sensed he was trying to be careful about anything he said now. In truth, I was as well.
“Your father and I were talking about naming a new horse he bought Sam. He thought your uncle would like that, too. Wouldn’t that be fun? Having a horse named after you? I’m actually surprised he has never done it.”
“He had a horse named Cassie Girl, named after my sister.”
“Well, now it’s your turn.”
“As long as no one blames me for not being a winner. Cassie Girl was a winner.”
“Of course, no one would. Don’t be silly.” He took my arm and stopped walking. “Look, Semantha, I’m sorry if I did or said anything to disturb you before. I know you had a little relapse of sorts, and right now, you’re a little fragile, so you’re seeing everything from the dark side. I’m hoping I can change that. I hope you believe me.
“Anyway,” he continued when I remained silent, “I’m more convinced than ever that the best thing that could happen to us would be for you to get pregnant. Nothing binds two people as much as their children. Maybe that would help put your past unhappiness further behind you as well.”
He waited anxiously for my response, but I had none.
“I’m a little cold suddenly,” I said, embracing myself.
“Yes, I thought it would be warmer. Okay, let’s go back inside. Do you want to be with your father and Lucille or—”
“Let’s just go up and watch television in our own suite, Ethan.”
“Sure. I’ll just let them know,” he said, and went right to the den after we entered.
“He’s probably telling them you’re under control,” Cassie said.
“I am,” I replied, and went upstairs.
When I entered our suite, the phone was ringing. It was Uncle Perry.
“How are you, Sam?” he asked. “I understand you’ve had quite a day.”
“I’m all right, Uncle Perry.”
“You know, if you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you.”
“I know.”
“Your father can be a bull in a china shop.”
“It’s all right,” I assured him. “I’m fine. We’re fine.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“All right. I’ll see you soon,” he promised.
Ethan didn’t come up for nearly half an hour. I distracted myself watching a movie, but when he finally came up, he tried again to start a conversation about having children.
When I didn’t respond, he said, “I guess this is important to me because I was an only child. I’d like us to have four, at least. What about you?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’d want some sons to get to grow up and become executives in the Heaven-stone Corporation, right?”
“Of course,” Cassie whispered.
“Not necessarily,” I said.
“What? Why not?” he asked with an incredulous smile.
“The business was always more important to Cassie than it was to me. I wouldn’t force my children to work in the corporation. Suppose one of them wanted to be a doctor or an actor or something?”
He laughed. “No one growing up here could avoid becoming a part of the Heaven-stone Corporation.”
“I did,” I said.
“I thought you were going to work for your uncle.”
“But I didn’t, did I? Actually, Lucille talked me out of it. And then you did as well. Remember?”
He was quiet, and we didn’t talk about the corporation or having children any more that night. Despite how everyone had acted at dinner and afterward, I knew my having visited my daughter was still quite shocking. I had even heard it in Uncle Perry’s voice when he had called.
I imagined he and Daddy had some conversations about me over the next few days. I was sure Uncle Perry took my side of things and probably persuaded Daddy to wait before getting me back into formal therapy again. He never mentioned it. In fact, as Ethan had hoped, my visiting the Normans wasn’t mentioned again, either. Ethan and I had our dinners out. He was as sensitive and caring as could be the first night and tried to repeat the warm, romantic times we’d had in Monaco.
The second time, we did meet the executive he had mentioned, Charles Duncan, and his wife, Sandra. They had two children: a boy, age five, and a girl, age four. Sandra was a stay-at-home mother, who had gone to college and majored in English, intending to become a teacher. She said she had made the choice to be with her children during their younger years and expected to go into teaching when they were older.
Although Sandra was very nice, I had the feeling Ethan had wanted me to meet her so I would be more enthusiastic about having children. I even thought he had discussed it wi
th Charles beforehand and encouraged them to be upbeat about their family life. All the way home, he raved about how wonderful their marriage was and how he had high hopes that ours would be as good. He urged me to get friendlier with Sandra, too.
“You need friends, Semantha. You have to get out and about so you can look to the future and not dwell on the past.”
When you had a past like mine, how did you not dwell on it? I wondered.
My dreams, Cassie’s whispers, and my unhappy memories continued to dominate my days during the weeks and months that followed. Ethan tried to get me to go out more often, but I always came up with some excuse to avoid it. Twice, Lucille—the second time with more authority and sternness—advised me to socialize more and stop being such a homebody. “You have a husband who needs you at his side,” she said.
A few times, perhaps hoping to get me jealous or something, she accompanied Ethan to a business social event and then raved about how flattered she was when strangers assumed she was his wife. Even Daddy began urging me more intently to socialize. “Enjoy your life more, Semantha,” he said. “Take advantage of your wonderful opportunities.”
I was sure that it was mostly for my benefit when he and Lucille insisted that Ethan and I accompany them on some dinner dates. I made one excuse or another to avoid it. After a while, they stopped pressuring me and tried a new tactic. They spent most of the time at dinner or anyplace else we were all together talking about how wonderful the event had been that I hadn’t attended. I sat quietly listening. Their conversations became solely three-way, and gradually it was as if I weren’t there or had become invisible.
I knew Lucille was beginning to be more persistent in urging my father to get me back into therapy. However, unlike with most of the things she asked him to do, he held back. I did overhear him telling her, “If she doesn’t want to do it, Lucille, it won’t be of any value. It’s not like we can have her committed. This has to be voluntary. She has to believe she needs to do it; otherwise, it will be a waste of time and money.”
Cassie was very pleased about that. Finally, there was something significant over which Daddy and Lucille disagreed. She attributed it to my becoming more and more like her. “You’ve got backbone now. You don’t let everyone take advantage of you, use you. You’re becoming more and more of a Heaven-stone.”
Yes, I thought. I am becoming more like her. It’s true. I thought I could even see it in the faces of the Heaven-stone ancestors on the wall of portraits whenever I walked past them. Oddly enough, even though everyone was treating me as if I were as fragile as bone china, I felt stronger. I think Daddy saw it in my face as well. I detected something different in the way he looked at me.
“He’s seeing me in you,” Cassie whispered. “That’s good. We’re winning.”
Yes, I thought again, and then, maybe just out of some instinct that had been resurrected within me, I turned one day in the upstairs corridor and entered Cassie’s room. The room had never been touched or changed in any way. The maids had been told to dust it periodically, but nothing had been taken out of it or moved to the attic. It was as if everyone knew Cassie really was still there. Daddy wanted the room kept that way, and for some reason, this was one thing Lucille never challenged. It was easier simply to keep the door closed.
Entering the room now brought back a flood of memories, very early ones from when we had been much closer as sisters. Often, when I was young, I would sit beside her or on the floor while she paraded about giving one of her Cassie lectures about school and other kids my age, but mostly she had preached about what was expected of us as Heaven-stones. I had been quite in awe of her back then, and even at that young age, I had sensed how much Daddy and other adults respected her. I couldn’t help but want to be like her in so many ways.
I went to her closet and opened it to look at her clothing. Mother had dressed me so differently. My hair had always been longer, and I did much more with makeup. That was not to say that Cassie had been unattractive. She had many striking features, and boys who didn’t know anything about her had been drawn to her at first. She had Mother’s eyes and healthy-looking, rich light-brown hair. She had been more full-figured than I would be at her age, and quite a bit taller.
Sifting through her clothes, I came upon a dark blue skirt she had worn often. It had a gold hem. I plucked it out and put it against me. Instead of falling mid-leg, it was closer to ankle-length, but our waists weren’t that different. I took off my skirt and put it on. Then I sifted through her clothes again until I found the top she had often worn with this skirt. It was a lighter blue, short-sleeved, with a V-neck. I took off my top and put it on. It was more loose and baggy than any top most girls would wear, but not clownish.
When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw Cassie slip into my body. My hands went right to my hair, and then, without the slightest hesitation, I opened the top drawer of her vanity table and found her scissors. My memory of Cassie’s hair was still quite vivid. She wouldn’t wear it much longer than to the bottom of her earlobe. I began to cut my hair. Once I started, there was no choice but to finish. I snipped and snipped, doing what I thought was a rather good job of keeping the ends even. My hair fell around me in clumps. I brushed the strands off my top and stood back to look at myself.
Cassie’s face faded in and out of mine. My heart was pounding. This will surprise Daddy, I thought, but he will surely like it. Despite Mother’s continuous suggestions for her hair, her clothes, and her makeup, Cassie had never altered anything, and most important of all, Daddy had never urged her to follow Mother’s suggestions and never complained about her appearance. I knew he was still unhappy with me for visiting the Normans, even though he didn’t mention it anymore. I wanted to please him. If he saw what was Cassie in me, he would surely think about the good times, when there had been far more love in Heaven-stone, and smiles and laughter had been more at home.
This will change everything, I thought, and he will be more my father than Lucille’s husband. What had once been a strong family, a Heaven-stone family, would return in its full glory.
“Yes,” Cassie whispered, “yes.”
Ethan was home before Daddy and Lucille. He found me sitting in the living room reading one of Cassie’s favorite books. I didn’t realize how long he had been standing there when I looked up from the pages. The sight of me surprised him so much that he was speechless.
“Oh, hi,” I said.
“What did you do to your hair?”
“Just cut it,” I said, bringing my hands to it and fluffing it a bit.
“Yourself? You cut your own hair?”
“It wasn’t that hard.”
“It wasn’t hard, but it’s not a professional job by any means, Semantha. You’re going to have to go to a salon and have it fixed.”
“I don’t need to do that,” I said.
“Jesus.” He flopped onto the chair across from me. “And what are you wearing?” he asked with a grimace.
“Just an ordinary skirt and top. Nothing terribly special,” I said.
“Kind of blah for you,” he said. “It doesn’t look like it fits you, either.”
“I don’t think it’s so blah. It fits all right.”
“Whatever.” He leaned forward. “Have you been keeping track of things, the date? Anything to report?”
“No,” I said.
“You had a period, then?”
“Yes.”
“Damn. I don’t know. Maybe we should see one of those fertility doctors.”
I didn’t reply. I dropped my gaze back to the pages.
“Lucille and your father won’t be home for dinner tonight.”
“Oh?”
“It’s the chamber of commerce event. Remember? I wanted us to go, but you didn’t want to.”
“Well, why didn’t you go anyway?”
“I don’t think your father likes you being home alone so much, Semantha. I don’t think he likes me going about like a bachelor, either.”
“What about Lucille?”
“Lucille’s not happy, either. They’re both concerned about you, and of course, so am I.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Everyone should just stop worrying.” I looked at the book again. “I’m not into all that. Cassie never liked socializing with businesspeople. She called it swimming with baby sharks. They all want something from us.”
“That’s not entirely true, and you’re not Cassie.”
I continued to read.
“You’re sure you had a period, right?” he asked.
I looked up and smiled. “It’s not something you need to guess about, Ethan.”
He nodded, slapped the arms of the chair, and stood.
“I’m going up to change. What’s Gerad making for dinner?”
“Tonight’s Gerad’s and the De Stagen sisters’ night off. He prepared some sort of casserole with a fancy name. It just has to be warmed. There’s a salad for us as well. I’ll take care of it. If you don’t like the casserole, I can make something else.”
“I’m sure what Gerad prepared is great. Okay. See you in a while,” he said, and left.
“He doesn’t believe we can do it,” Cassie whispered. “He should have been here when there was no one but us. Daddy doesn’t say it, but the meals Mother and I made were just as wonderful.”
Yes, I thought. Even better because we had been more like a real family then, and our conversation at the dinner table had rarely involved business. We would talk about ourselves or our home. It had never felt the way it did now, more like a corporate meeting.
I looked at my watch, closed the book, and went off to the kitchen to get dinner together. I was actually happy to do it whenever I could. It made me feel more like I belonged again and helped resurrect happy moments.
Just after I put the casserole into the oven, I heard Ethan scream my name. I listened. As he came down the stairway, he continued to call out for me. I checked the temperature on the stove and went out to the hallway as he reached the bottom of the stairs and turned. He had something in his right hand and was waving it. When I drew closer, I realized what it was.
Secret Whispers Page 29
