The Amazing Adventures Of The Human Bob In The Galactic Zoo

by Horia Hulea

  Chapter 7

  "How did you know his name is Mark? How did you know about the lizard guy?"

  OMG the shouting is so loud.

  And Dude is very rudely interrupted from his snoring.

  And by complicated questions even! And since Dude is a very heavy sleeper, it takes a while to realize why or who is the sadist throwing these questions like rocks at a helpless puppy.

  "How did you know?"

  Dude is cornered, and in a second of panic he can't help slipping a loud fart (the best human defense mechanism there is, if you ask me). Which he tries to cover up with a series of questions: "What? Who? Mark? Lizard?"

  "Yes, yes, Mark, lizard. Don't try to play dumb with me!"

  "You told me his name is Mark."

  "No, I didn't."

  Long slurp.

  (Long slurp? How did Dude manage to find the drink so fast?)

  "Well, in my mind you told me he's Mark or something (very intellectual tone on Dude). That's how I remember it."

  "You can't remember me telling you, because I don't remember me telling you!"

  Bob's conclusion falls like a sharp axe of heavy logic. Followed by the killing blow.

  "You went out, didn't you?"

  Dramatic pause.

  Bob loves the look on Dude's face. So he makes the dramatic pause a little longer, since it's worth it.

  Then back to the point.

  "You went out before, and visited them all and you decided to stay instead of escaping!"

  "Meee?"

  The innocence on Dude's face is glaring.

  Bob repeats with an impression of Dude's voice the "Meee?" and then strikes again:

  "Mark was right! Everyone that is already here wants to be here! You gave in to the evil bunny overlords! You chose a happy life of never-ending bliss and every wish fulfilled instead of going back!"

  Silence followed by thunder!

  "You. Are. A betrayer of your own species!"

  "Oh, man, this is getting so complicated . . ." And turns over, going back to his snoring.

  "Unbelievable. To think I trusted you all this time. I even told you my Plan! Who knows with whom you have been talking behind my back!"

  Dude mumbles something that seems to be "Blah blah blah blah."

  Bob turns his back, vowing to give Dude the silent treatment for the rest of his life (which is what Dude prays for every day, but never seems to happen).

  Next day, we find Bob sitting with his ass in the sand throwing some looks at a checklist. Long looks. Discouraged looks. All the names on the list are crossed off, except one that says "Mentoid Joe."

  After nights of diplomatic missions to all the crions, bertiens, goromans, and whatever the galaxy decided to call its sentient species, his only hope lies down the alley scribbling equations on his boards.

  The fifth clone of Joe, or maybe the sixth (who counts them?) holds the key to his freedom.

  So this evening, the stupid-looking human in a bunny suit again pays a visit to Mentoid Joe.