Wild, Wounded Hearts

by Wild, Wounded Hearts (epub)

  Ursa saw Z’s expression stiffen. He looked conflicted by what Grandpa Joe had said. Z didn’t talk about his father much, but Ursa had often sensed Z felt let down by him. Z’s and Jude’s dad had never spent much time with his boys, although he’d projected huge expectations upon them. His father had played riskily and foolishly with the Beckett family fortune, leaving his sons almost destitute when he and his wife had died in an accident. Ursa had always guessed that part of Z felt abandoned by his father, as irrational as that was. Children weren’t always logical about losses like Z had suffered. And the insecurities of a child sometimes lived on inside the adult. Or maybe it was that Z believed—with the wounded heart of a ten-year-old orphan—that he’d somehow let his father down? That if he’d been a different boy, someone less rebellious and more agreeable to his father, his father would somehow still be there with him?

  Maybe it was both of those things at once, opposite though they seemed. One thing was for certain. Z loved Grandpa Joe very much. But he felt conflicted hearing his grandfather say he was disappointed and hurt by his eldest son.

  “I can’t begin to explain to all of you how empty I was at that time,” Grandpa Joe continued in a shaky voice. “I had nothing to live for, having lost so much. I’d lost my first wife, Stella. Maybe some of you will think that Stephen’s mother and my union sounds sordid. But I loved Maria deeply. Her decision never to see me again left a hole inside me…one that’s never heeled, I suppose,” Joe reflected shakily as he stared into the fire, clearly lost in his memories and thoughts. “I’d lost my job and my sense of purpose. The use of my legs. My independence and pride. My family.” He paused, looking away from the fire and to Stephen. “Then one day, a young man appeared on my doorstep, there to answer my advertisement for a live-in therapist.” His smile was one of pure gratitude and love.

  “Stephen came into my life. And even though I suffered the loss of my other son and my daughter-in-law a year later, I was blessed by having you two boys enter my world.” Grandpa Joe said to Jude and Z, his deep voice trembling. Ursa saw Z’s hard, rugged face give slightly at his grandfather’s show of raw emotion. “I was graced with wonderful neighbors and friends,” he said, reaching for Ilsa’s hand. Ursa’s mother was clearly moved by the moment. Her large eyes shone with tears.

  “I know of many people over the years who have been confused by Stephen’s continued service to me,” Grandpa Joe said. “They wondered why such a young, capable, smart man with such a promising future would dedicate his life to an old man in a wheelchair whose life was over.”

  “Your life is far from over,” Stephen said quietly. “And you were one of those people who wondered why I stayed. You were always trying to shoo me off to bigger and better things.”

  “Why did you stay?” Z asked harshly, startling Ursa. She was alarmed by the anger building in his expression, and the tension in his powerful body. She had the impression of a volcano that was about to blow.

  Stephen shrugged. “He’s my father. He needed me. And not just as a therapist and assistant. You boys came to us after a year or so. My decision was made,” he said, looking from Jude to Z. “I stayed because you all were my family.”

  A muscle jumped in Z’s rigid cheek. Jude looked pale and shocked. Ursa’s heart ached for them. It wasn’t bad news, necessarily—her mom had been right about that—but it was shocking news.

  And she could tell by Z’s and Jude’s expressions that they might not agree with her that the news wasn’t bad.

  “Well, I think it’s…amazing,” Sadie said, breaking the awkward silence that had settled. “I’m honored to be here for all of this. I am, truly. But I’m just a little confused as to why…” She waved vaguely at herself, Ursa, Esme and their mom. Ursa suddenly understood her sister’s confusion. The Esterbrooks, the Becketts, and Mat DaRosa had always been close. But surely this was the type of information that should have been broken to Z and Jude in private?

  “We’re all here together because there’s more news to tell. On a completely different topic,” Ilsa explained. She clasped Stephen’s hand with both of hers, now. The way she beamed up at Stephen’s face made something squirm uncomfortably in Ursa’s stomach.

  “Or maybe it’s not a completely different topic,” her mom said.

  “Right. Because it’s all about family,” Stephen said, addressing everyone in the room. “In one way or another, we’ve all been like family to each other, ever since the day Esme lured that cub into the garage and you were born, Ursa.” He said with a warm smile for each of them. “We thought the news all went together, in a way. Tonight, you all found out that I’m Grandpa Joe’s son, and that I’m Z’s and Jude’s uncle.”

  “So we thought it’d be as good a time as any to tell you that Stephen and I plan to be married on Christmas Day,” Ursa’s mom said.

  “You’re fucking kidding me.”

  Ursa blinked in shock when everyone in the room turned to stare at her. Had she said that out loud? The words had blurted out of her mouth without thought. Shock vibrated in her flesh.

  Had her mom really just said she was getting married? To Stephen?

  Her mom laughed nervously.

  “No, we’re not joking, honey. I know how shocking this must to you all.” Ilsa glanced over at Grandpa Joe. “Well, maybe not all of you. Joe has been the only one who is here with us full time, so he’s probably the least surprised of all.”

  “How…how long?” Esme gasped. Ursa should have been glad to see that she wasn’t the only one who’d been totally floored by the news; Esme looked like she’d been blindsided. But seeing her sister’s shock didn’t hearten Ursa any. She suddenly had the very uncomfortable realization that she felt dizzy…unfastened to reality, somehow.

  Her mother was going to marry another man? Her dad was going to be replaced? It couldn’t be true.

  Her brain was having trouble computing it.

  Something seemed to cut through her rising disorientation. She glanced up and encountered Z’s stare. It bored into her, striking her as white-hot in that moment. His fury brought her back to herself, somehow. It grounded her.

  “Things have mostly been progressing in the past year,” her mom was saying. “I don’t want you girls to think—any of you to think—that what has happened between Stephen and me at all relates to what I shared with your father. And it’s not about my grief over Clive’s loss, some kind of compensation or attempt to block up that void in my life. Your father was a wonderful man. I will always, always love him.”

  Stephen’s arm went around her mother, pulling her against him. Ursa watched, her eyes burning, as her mom snuggled up against him, obviously beyond content in his embrace.

  “I loved Clive, too,” Stephen said. “When he was alive, I was happy and honored to be both his and Ilsa’s friend.”

  “A special friend,” Ilsa added, smiling up at Stephen.

  “Special,” Ursa heard Sadie mutter through a dull roar in her ears.

  “If there’s one thing that I’ve learned through all this, it’s that love really is enormous,” her mom said. “It knows no boundaries or barriers. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it, but I’ve been blessed to share my life with not just one, but two amazing, unique men. I love Stephen,” Ilsa declared simply to everyone in the room. “And Stephen loves me. At first, we loved each other as friends. That love was my salvation. I thought my life was over after your father died. I won’t lie to you. There were some very dark, scary moments for me,” she said, her voice trembling slightly. Then she looked up at Stephen. His smile seemed to strengthen her.

  “But somehow, some way, Stephen brought me back from the brink. You all know how wonderful he and Grandpa Joe have been. They’ve never left my side during all this. And then, slowly…that love Stephen and I had for each other became bigger. Deeper. It was like a miracle. Sometimes I still can’t believe it, it’s so amazing. I’m h
appy again. Actually happy. I know this has come as a blow to you all, but I thought you might be glad to know. That I’m happy, I mean…”

  Her voice faded. Her mom seemed to absorb the shocked, hurt expressions of everyone in the room. Ursa’s ears rung in the awkward, charged silence that followed.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Sadie stood and walked toward her mother. Her beautiful face looked pale, but calm and determined. Ursa watched as Sadie hugged her mother tightly.

  “Of course we want you to be happy,” Sadie said in her low, mellifluous voice. Ilsa brushed back her eldest daughter’s hair in a gentle gesture, her expression thankful, but searching. Sadie’s hug for Stephen was more reserved.

  “It’s just…it’s all so unexpected,” Sadie said.

  “Stephen and I are so happy. Euphoric, maybe?” Ursa cringed when she realized how brittle her mom’s laugh sounded. “I guess I thought you’d all…Oh, Lord. I’ve made a mess of all this, haven’t I?”

  “Of course you haven’t,” Esme insisted, heading toward the couple. Suddenly, Ursa was in complete agreement with her sisters. She may be still reeling from shock, but her mother looked dazed. Hurt. All Ursa wanted to do in that moment was hug her, and assure her that everything would be all right. She stood to do just that, when a cold, familiar voice halted her in her tracks.

  “What made you fall in love with him?” Z asked sharply. Everybody stared at him. His eyes appeared to be lit from within, contrasting with his rigid, cold, daunting countenance. Something told her he was about to let loose that pent up fury.

  “Z,” Ursa whispered. “What are you—”

  “I mean, why now?” Z demanded, ignoring Ursa. “Why do the two pieces of news—the two big secrets—go together? How are they connected? Was Stephen only really worthy of an Esterbrook once you found out he was related to Grandpa Joe? That he’d likely inherit everything Grandpa Joe had? That he was worth something. Even if it was nowhere near what an Esterbrook is used to, it’s still something that Stephen isn’t just the live-in help next door, I guess.”

  Ursa stood there with her mouth hanging open, dread and disbelief expanding in her stomach. She was completely confused by Z’s anger, but something whispered to her that it wasn’t just about her mom and Stephen. It had to do with her. With them—Z and her.

  “Z, don’t—”

  “Shut up.”

  Ursa jumped, thinking for a split second someone had told her to shut up for trying to intervene with Z. But it was Jude who’d said it to Z. Z stood up to his full, intimidating height, eyes blazing at his brother.

  Oh my God. Z and Jude are going to fight. This whole situation is a tinderbox about to explode.

  “You shut up, you hypocrite,” Z grated out. “You know you thought the exact same thing. You said something similar, just last New Year’s.”

  Jude sprung up from the couch. Ursa started at his abrupt movement. “I said no such thing. You know this is as much a surprise to me as it is you. I never guessed they planned to get married,” Jude defended.

  Z gave a bitter bark of laughter. Ever so briefly, his gaze flashed over at Ursa. “Yeah, but Stephen’s news about being Grandpa Joe’s son obviously changed the playing field, didn’t it?”

  “Both of you shut your traps,” Stephen barked. Ursa stared at Stephen, open-mouthed. He really is a Beckett. The thought flew into her head unbidden. How could she have not seen it before? Stephen looked every bit as angry and formidable as his nephews at that moment. “We asked you two boys here because you’re family. Because we thought you loved everyone here enough to help us celebrate this special moment. I wouldn’t have believed that you had it in you—either of you—to be so disrespectful of Ilsa. I’m ashamed of you.”

  Z and Jude exchanged a baleful glance. Ursa couldn’t believe this was happening. Were the brothers going to fly at each other in a rage? And what had they been talking about? Z had known about her mother and Stephen being involved back at New Years? And he hadn’t said anything to her?

  The news about Stephen and Mom being involved was what he expected tonight, even if he hadn’t been anticipating the news about Stephen being Joe’s son.

  Ursa just knew that her suspicion was accurate, somehow. Z had known about her mom and Stephen for almost a year now. A rush of heat went through her. She suddenly shared a strong feeling of understanding with Jude. The volatility in the room was catching.

  She wanted to clobber Z at that moment, as well.

  But slowly, by degree, Ursa thought she sensed the fury drain out of Z and Jude. A helpless, bewildered, bitter frustration seemed to remain, hovering around the brothers like a fog. Finally, Z exhaled and turned partially away from Jude, clamping his eyelids shut. Jude crossed the room, his expression stiff, and embraced her mother.

  Ursa watched, a knot cinching tighter in her gut, as Z walked out of the room.

  Later that night, Ursa tapped softly at her mother’s bedroom door.

  “Come in,” Ilsa called softly.

  She entered the suite hesitantly, not sure how welcome she was after the fireworks in the family room earlier. Soon after Z had stalked out of the room, the party had broken up. Ilsa seemed distressed that everyone was so upset, and no one seemed to know what to say to make her feel better. Z hadn’t left immediately. Ursa had spotted him speaking quietly to her mother in the great hall, as everyone prepared to leave.

  Then, Z and her mother had hugged tightly.

  Z had left after that, before Ursa had a chance to confront him. She’d put on her coat after her mom and sisters had gone to their rooms, intending to go to the Beckett house and force Z into talking to her.

  Her heart had dropped when she went outside, and saw that his car was absent from the Beckett driveway.

  Her mother was in the sitting area of the bedroom suite, wearing a nightgown and robe and reading a book, her gorgeous main of silvery-blonde hair spilling around her shoulders. She smiled at Ursa’s appearance, and waved for her to come and sit down.

  “I just wanted to say I was sorry,” Ursa told her mom after she’d sunk into an easy chair. “I know we all behaved badly. I know I did,” she added reluctantly.

  “I wouldn’t say you acted badly,” Ilsa said. “You reacted honestly. It’s my fault. I should have realized, what a blow it would be to you all. What a double blow it was for Z and Jude. It wasn’t fair. So I’m the one who’s sorry. Will you accept my apology?”

  “Only if you accept mine,” Ursa said.

  “I do, without hesitation.”

  Ursa sighed. “This thing with Stephen…you’re really happy, aren’t you?”

  “So happy,” Ilsa said feelingly, her heart in her eyes. “I’m not being impulsive, honey. I love him. And I want to be with him all that I can, for the rest of our lives together. I know it might seem inexplicable, but that’s how love is, I guess. For the two people in the midst of it, anyway. For us, it all makes perfect sense. But I didn’t really get until tonight how…disturbing it could be to other people.”

  Ursa swallowed back the lump in her throat. She understood what her mom was saying. Everyone would be shocked and incredulous when—if—they ever learned about Z and her, as well.

  “I’m glad, Mom. I really am. It’s just… ”

  “You miss your father.”

  Ursa nodded, too choked up to speak for a moment.

  Her mom sighed and set down her book. “I miss him, too. Stephen isn’t going to replace your dad, honey. It’s not like that. Stephen is something completely different than your dad. We are, as a couple.”

  “I know.”

  “No. You don’t,” her mother said gently. “Maybe that’s something that only time can teach. That’s something I’ve realized tonight.”

  Ursa sighed and nodded. Maybe her mom was right.

  “Z was so upset,” Ursa whispered, staring fixedly
at the coffee table. She was afraid that if she shifted her gaze to her mother, Ilsa would see her tears.

  “He was. I didn’t realize how much emotion all this would bring up for Jude and him. Neither did Stephen. We’re both regretting it tonight. It’s like we ripped a bandage off an old wound, or something.”

  “What…what did Z say to you before he left? In the great hall?”

  “He apologized for his outburst.”

  “He did?” Ursa asked, lifting her gaze to her mom despite her burning eyes.

  Ilsa nodded, looking very grave. “He said something else, too. Something that made me realize I didn’t understand a lot of things about those boys while they were growing up.”

  A shiver passed down Ursa’s arms. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, he said it very briefly. So I’ve been up here tonight, trying to fill in the blanks and understand everything he didn’t say. I think I have. Hopefully, I’m not misrepresenting him. Anyway, after he’d apologized, Z said something to the effect that he’d gone his whole life, imagining there was some kind of invisible, but totally impenetrable barrier between the Beckett men and the Esterbrook women ever being involved in any kind of romantic sense. He alluded to the fact that Jude felt the same way, although they never really discussed it in so many words. I think Jude and him didn’t want to ruin the friendship they’d formed over the years with Sadie and Esme, which is understandable. But also, I think they kind of felt—” Her mom made a helpless gesture. Her cheeks turned pink. “Well, like the Esterbrooks were above them somehow. It must all stem from the fact that they came from an affluent background, and lost their family fortune and parents all in one fell swoop. I’m embarrassed to say, I never had a hint Z and Jude felt inferior. If I had, I would have certainly tried to disabuse them of the idea. It’s mortifying, to think it’s occupied so much headspace for them, over the years.”