“Yeah, I might do that.”
That night I lay in bed, wishing for easy answers. I’d remember asking for them when I discovered Gwen’s cheating. It had come to me at the waterfall. But that answer, moving to the mountains, wasn’t going to work this time. I couldn’t just cut myself off from my old life, not with a child involved. In fact, it appeared I’d have to re-engage with the world. I couldn’t see myself living with Hope, but perhaps I could live closer to her. I wasn’t keen on living in a townhome, so I wondered how she’d feel if I bought her a home in a kid-friendly neighborhood.
I sat up in bed. I could buy the river house. I knew it had already sold, but maybe I could make an offer they couldn’t refuse. I could buy another home in the neighborhood, so I’d be close by. The river wasn’t the mountains, but there was a peacefulness to it. It was close enough to activities a child would enjoy like parks. Other kids were around, which wasn’t the case by my place. Not that I’d get rid of my place because it would be a great getaway home. After so much angst, I drifted to sleep feeling like perhaps the answers were coming. That is if Hope was on board.
Learning to Co-Parent
Hope
I wondered if Mitch and I would ever be able to be in the same room and not have tension thick enough to cut with a knife. I knew much of this was my doing. I shouldn’t have waited to tell him about the baby. I hated how pained he always looked when we spoke. I didn’t mean to hurt him, and yet, that’s what I kept doing.
He thought I didn’t think he was good enough when he was one of the best men I knew. Even now, after suffering the consequences of not telling him I loved him and that we were having a baby, I was still afraid to tell him all that I was feeling. I still loved him. I wanted to make his pain go away and have him realize what a great man I thought he was.
The worst part of all this was knowing that if I’d been brave enough to reveal my heart, we might be together. He kept saying things that suggested he cared for me too and that maybe he’d wanted a relationship. He was afraid too though, I guess, which was why he never said anything. That made this his fault too, except he had a good reason to be fearful of letting love into his life. Gwen had made sure he’d always doubt himself. And now I’d made it worse by not being upfront with him.
I think I was also making it worse by getting defensive each time he asked if he could help. Trying to see it from his side, he probably felt like he wasn't involved. First, I didn’t tell him, and now that he knew, he wanted to be involved, but there was little for him to do. I hoped the doctor’s appointment would help him feel more a part of the pregnancy.
I tried to figure out ways I could involve him more, but I didn’t know how. I wasn’t showing. I didn’t feel any movement. Right now, there was nothing to report.
To keep from getting too down or distracted by him, I refocused on my business. I hadn’t contacted Glynnis because I wasn’t sure I should. Would Mitch not want me up there? Would she know what was going on with us and ban me? I couldn’t imagine Mitch telling people about his personal life, but I was still nervous about it.
However, I did find two local stores willing to take some clothes on consignment as a test run. I had to start somewhere.
The following week, I met with the bank again now that I was ready to invest significant money into manufacturing. The meeting went just as I hoped it would, time-consuming but no glitches. At least the loan co-officer was friendly and seemed genuinely interested in my business.
As I was leaving, the loan officer walked me out. “I was so glad we were able to get this approved for you. No one will admit it out loud, but it can be more challenging for women to get business loans,” she said.
“I’m glad I was able to be approved.”
“It never hurts to have friends in high places,” she said, entering the lobby area from the office hallway with me.
What? “What do you mean?”
“Your friend, Mr. Sloane.”
“What about him?”
The woman stopped and looked at me like I’d grown a third-eye. “He backed the loan.”
What? Not wanting to appear that I was out of the loop, I said, “Oh yes.”
Inside I wasn’t sure what to feel. A part of me was angry. I thought I’d earned this loan on my own and it turned out he’d made it happen. But another part of me was grateful. Would my dream be dead in the water without his backing? I was also confused. Why hadn’t he said anything?
I thought about calling him but wasn’t sure what to say. The doctor’s appointment was coming up this week, so I decided to wait until then to ask him about it. Hopefully, I’d have a better sense of how I felt about it.
On Wednesday, I had no doubt that Mitch would be at the appointment. He was standing outside the doctor’s office looking so handsome in his jeans and light blue button shirt that it made my heart ache. Why couldn’t we get our crap together and make it work?
“How are you feeling?” he asked. “I’m told you might be tired a lot.”
See how good he was? He’d done research on pregnancy. “I am tired a lot.”
“I know you don’t like it when I offer to help. It’s not that I don’t think you’re capable. I just want to help.”
I remembered the bank deal, and then how he’d gotten me a sewing machine, created a computer program and made me an office in his home. All of that he’d done to help me.
“Gabe says maybe you’d like help with grocery shopping or cooking,” he added.
I smiled, loving how he was changing tactics in our meetings, just as I wanted to as well. “I do eat a lot of take-out, healthy take-out, but take-out nonetheless.”
He held the door open for me. “I can help with that.”
I checked in at the reception and then waited with him in one of the chairs. “Mitch?”
“Hmm?” he said leafing through a parenting magazine.
“Why did you back my business loan?”
He stilled and slowly looked at me. “How do you know about that?”
I bit down the annoyance that he didn’t want me to know. “The lady at the bank said something about having friends in high places.”
“Fuck,” he said under his breath. He looked at me with his piercing eyes. “You said the bank was hassling you. I knew your plan was good. I have faith in your business, so I called.”
“You didn’t want me to know.”
He bit his lower lip. “No.”
“Why not?”
“I didn't want you to feel indebted or to believe that I didn’t think you could do it.”
“But I didn’t do it.”
“Yes, you did. All I said is that the bank wouldn’t lose money if the business didn’t do well. Since the business will do well, it’s a non-issue, at least for me. If I’ve offended you or upset you, I’m sorry.”
I wasn’t sure how I felt, but there was no time to reflect on it since I was called into the doctor’s office. Mitch came with me, standing in the corner as the nurse took my vitals.
Eventually, the technician came in for the sonogram. She had me lay back on the doctor’s table and lift my shirt. She put some warm gel on my belly and then started moving the wand around.
“Ah, there it is,” the technician said.
Mitch moved closer, his eyes intent on the screen. I looked over at the image as well. It mostly looked like a blob, and I felt a moment of panic that I wouldn’t be able to recognize my own child.
“You can see the head here,” she pointed to the screen.
“It’s so big compared to the rest of it,” Mitch said.
The technician laughed. “Yes. But here you see arms and legs.”
I was finally able to decipher what was on the screen.
“Is it a boy or a girl?” I asked.
“It’s too early to tell now.” She flipped some sort of switch, and a fast beating sound came from the machine. “Nice strong heartbeat.”
Mitch gripped my hand. I looked up at him, his eyes were
misty as he turned them to me. “Look what we made.”
I laughed and cried all at once. “Yes.”
He ran his free hand through his hair. “You’re growing a person.”
The technician chuckled. I was sure she saw this sort of thing all the time. But for Mitch and me, it was so surreal.
“It’s a fucking miracle.”
I laughed and squeezed his hand.
“You know fetuses can hear what’s going on outside the womb,” the technician said with a grin.
It took me a minute to understand what she was saying.
Mitch blushed. “I guess I have to stop swearing.”
After the sonogram, we met with the doctor. She said everything looked good.
“Same rules continue to apply. Take your prenatal vitamins, no strenuous activity, but exercise and sex are fine. In the next couple of weeks, the fatigue should lessen, and your libido could increase. That’s normal and okay.”
Great. I was going to want sex and have the energy for it, but no one to do it with.
“Unless you have questions, I’ll see you back here in a month.”
Neither of us had questions. Mitch had been quiet after the sonogram and remained so as he walked me to my car.
Finally, he said, “Are you okay in your townhome? You have what you need there?”
I nodded, feeling disappointed. I realized that I’d hoped things would change with us and he’d care for me again. I wished that we’d make up and do this together as a single unit.
“Yes. I’m fine,” I reassured him.
“You have enough room? Space for the child?”
“Someday I’d like a house for outdoor space, but for now, it’s fine.”
He nodded. “Remember how we used to run around at your river house?”
“Yes.” I felt tears prick my eyes again. “I miss that place. I hope someday to have a yard that our child can run and explore like we did as kids.”
He stared at me for a long moment, and then he put his hand behind my neck and pulled me closer, kissing my forehead. “Take care of yourself, Hope. Let me know if you need anything.”
I need you, I wanted to say, but instead, I smiled. “I will.” He turned to walk away. “Mitch?”
He stopped and turned to me.
“I’m glad we’re getting along now. I want that for the baby.”
He smiled. “Me too.”
I went home feeling exhausted, but at least not as down as I had before. There was hope for Mitch and me. Not for a romantic relationship, but a friendship that would allow us to co-parent.
Because I was tired, I lay on my couch to rest. I’d deal with business later.
I woke with a start. Laying on my couch, I wondered what had woken me. Then I heard a knock on the door.
I stood up, careful to do it slowly as the doctor had warned me that I could faint if I stood up too quickly. I looked through the peephole.
I opened the door. “Mitch.”
He was holding two grocery bags. “I brought you groceries, and I’m going to cook your dinner.”
My heart went all warm and soft. “You don’t have to” I stopped myself. How many times had he told me he wanted to be a part of all this. I needed to let him feel involved. It made me a little sad that it wasn’t for me, but I was happy that he was trying so hard to be involved with the baby.
I opened the door. “Come in.”
He stepped in and headed to my kitchen, setting the bags on my kitchen table. He began to empty them. Mostly there was veggies and fruits, but he also pulled out corn chips and ice cream.
“Is this for me?” I asked.
He gave me a sheepish smile. “Gabe said Sam used to scoop the ice cream with the corn chips when she was pregnant with Annabelle.”
Good golly. He’d consulted his brother about pregnancy cravings. Mine veered more towards root beer and French fries, but this sounded good too.
I opened the bag and popped the lid off the ice cream. Scooping some up, I took a bite. “Yes, that’s good.”
“Not too much, or you’ll spoil your dinner.” He started opening cupboards to put the items away.
I sat at the table and had another corn chip watching Mitch work. As I did, my heart filled with such longing to love him, to have him love me, that tears filled my eyes. I turned away, not wanting him to see.
“Hope?”
I look up. His head was cocked to the side. “You okay?”
I gave him a wan smile. “Hormones. They make me emotional.”
He came to me, squatting down until he could look me in the eyes. “Do you have a reason to be emotional? Did I do something wrong?”
“No.” Unable to stop myself, I pressed my palm to his cheek. “You’re doing everything right, and I don’t deserve it.” I wished I hadn’t said that because I knew everything he was doing wasn’t for me. It was all for the baby.
“We’re in this together, Hope.”
I brought my hand down. “Yes.” But inside, my heart was busting. Despite my attempts to block the pain, I’d wanted him to tell me that I did deserve it and that he loved me and we’d be more than partners in raising our child. I blamed the hormones on my inability to control my feelings.
He smiled reassuringly. “I’m going to make you stir fry with lots of veggies.”
“Sounds delicious.” I swallowed my longing. “I think I’m going to clean up.” I started to close the chips and ice cream.
“I’ll take care of that. Go rest or whatever. I’ll call you when it’s done.” He stood, picking up the bag and carton.
“Thank you, Mitch.” I watched as he put the food away and then pulled out a knife for the vegetables. I sighed and then left the kitchen. If this was as good as I got with him, it was still going to be better than nothing, even if it felt like torture to hide my love for him.
Mitch—Perspective
Mitch
I wanted to hold her and tell her I loved her. The only reason I couldn’t seem to do it was my fucking fear of being made a fool. I never wanted to have what happened with Gwen to happen again. I didn’t think Hope would do that, and yet, she’d shown she was capable of withholding important information from me.
So instead, I held my tongue. I kept telling her I wanted to be a part of the baby’s life, but I kept out the part that I wanted to be with her too, but I was too much of a coward to admit it.
After she left the room, I started the rice, then cut up vegetables and chicken to make stir fry. Her kitchen was small compared to the one she had in the river house. I still wasn’t sure if I should make an attempt to buy it. It was a great family home, and there was so much for a kid to do there. We’d need to build a fence, or more accurately, I’d need to have one built for Hope. I wasn’t going to live there, after all. But I’d find a home close to her so I could be there when our child got home from school or wanted to play hide and seek in the woods. I’d teach him or her to swim and fish in the river.
At the same time, I worried Hope would be upset about my buying the home. There were great memories and not so great memories from there. Growing up, I’d spent a lot of time playing pirates or cowboys with Parker, and later as teens hanging out with our group of friends. I’d always cherished that night we’d made love on the beach even as I regretted betraying Parker.
But the bad memories included the fact that the house was sold to help her family’s financial situation. Would they be mad that I bought it? Or would they be mad I hadn’t bought it before the new owners had?
This was why living on my own was so nice. The only person I had to figure out was me. But that was going to change with a child, so it was time I adapted.
I warmed up the pan and put the meat in to cook first.
“Where’s Duke?” Hope asked as she came back into the room.
“He’s at my mom’s visiting George.” I hadn’t been sure how long I’d be down here, so I brought him with me and planned to stay at my mom’s for the night.
�
��How is your mom?” she asked.
“Good.”
“I really hope Parker didn’t make too much of a scene.”
I looked over my shoulder at her. “Did he tell you that he punched me in the face?”
“What?” She looked horrified. “He said he hit you, but I just figured it was in the arm or something.”
“Nope.” I stirred the meat. “I let him have that first shot since I figured I deserved it.”
“I hate that you think that. I hate that we can’t have our own friendship without worrying about him.” She went to a drawer and pulled out forks and started setting the table.
I thought about the way she put that. “I think we could have our own friendship as long as I didn’t touch you.” A new worry occurred to me. “Are you and Parker okay?”
She shrugged. “I’m pissed that he told you because I wanted to. I’m angry that he’s such a baby to go over and hassle you at your mom’s house. I really don’t feel like you and I are any of his concern or business.”
I went back to the meat, putting it on a plate, adding more oil and then putting the vegetables in to cook.
“You wouldn’t feel weird if one of your girlfriends slept with your brother?”
She seemed to think about it. “Weird maybe, but not pissed or betrayed.”
“Women are more evolved about these things, I guess,” I said.
“No doubt.” She got some plates out. “Will you serve here or at the table?”
“Here is fine,” I said. She set the plates on the counter near me. It made me think of when we were at my place, making breakfast or another meal together. We had seemed so in sync. It felt like a million years ago, and yet here we were, in sync again.
I finished the stir fry, served her plate with rice and the chicken and veggies, and then got my own sitting at the table with her.
“This reminds me of when we were at your place in the woods,” she said as she looked over her plate of food.
“I was thinking the same thing,” I said. We started to eat, and then all of a sudden started to feel awkward because this wasn’t like before. I wouldn’t be holding her through the night like before. And there was a baby now.
Her Mountain Hero Page 21
