“Had you heard the heartbeat before,” I asked her.
“No. Today was the first time. Until today, it didn’t really feel real, you know? I mean, I felt tired, but there were no other signs. And then there it was on the sonogram.” Her eyes filled with tears again.
“People have babies all the time. My mom had four. And yet what we saw today was like a miracle.” Seeing the image of my child shifted everything inside me. Yes, I was a coward not to risk my heart with Hope, but I wasn’t going to be moody or bitter. Seeing the baby made me realize what was really important. My life now belonged to that child, and by extension to Hope. Maybe someday I’d be able to let go of the fear that held me back from loving her, but for now, this would have to do.
I was pleased she was letting me be involved. There was so much I couldn’t do. Cooking for her was something I could do.
“Has this changed any of your plans around the business?” I asked.
Her eyes narrowed, and I could she was trying to decide if I had some hidden agenda. I held my hands up in surrender. “It’s just a question, Hope.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m moving forward as planned.”
Now worried she’d be upset I said. “I had started a website for you. It’s supposed to be a Christmas present. I’ve got a mock-up of it if you’d like to see it. It can be a way to sell your things and work from home.”
I could see she was working on accepting my effort for what it was. “I would like to see it.” She cocked her head. “Do you think a mom has to stay home to be a good mom?”
“No. But it’s nice to have options, don’t you think? Besides, if anyone would be a stay-at-home parent, it would be me. I don’t have a job.”
She laughed. “Oh yeah.”
Another thought occurred to me. “There was only one baby on that picture today, right? I mean, you’re a twin. What are the odds you’re having twins?”
Her eyes widened. Clearly, she hadn’t thought about this. “It sounded like there was only one.
“Why do you suppose something so small scared the shit out of me?” I asked.
“Because it’s fragile and is entirely dependent on you, on us.”
“I guess that’s it.” I nodded at her food. “How is it?”
“It’s excellent, better than take-out.”
We continued to eat, avoiding difficult topics, and as we finished, I found that I was reluctant for the night to end.
“I’ll do the dishes so you can rest,” I said as she put her fork down.
“I’m not an invalid.”
I sighed. Was she going to fight me again after all? “I know, but it makes me feel useful.”
She smiled. “In that case, it’s okay.”
I was about to take her plate when there was a knock on the door.
“I’m not expecting anyone,” she said, looking toward the front door.
“I’ll get it,” I said, motioning for her to stay seated. I strode to the door and opened it.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Parker said when he saw me.
Every nerve in my body tensed. “Parker.”
“Is my sister here?” he looked around me, but I blocked him. I’m not sure why. Was I being an asshole or protecting my child?
“Yes. We’re eating,” I said.
“So, you two are a thing again?” His sneer suggested he didn’t like that idea.
“We’re having a baby, Parker. Whether you like it or not,” I replied.
Parker’s voice rose, but I didn’t hear what he was saying. Instead, I heard a chair move behind me and then a loud thud.
I spun around, looking toward the kitchen. Hope’s chair was empty. Scanning the area, I saw her body on the ground.
“Oh, God.” I left Parker and rushed to her. “Hope. Hope.” I dropped to the floor next to her and pulled her in my arms.
“Jesus,” Parker’s voice said from behind me.
“Call 9-1-1,” I yelled at Parker.
“What happened?” he asked, pulling out his phone.
“I don’t know. She was fine a few minutes ago. “Hope. Hope honey, wake up,” I gently tapped her face. I heard Parker talking on the phone. I had half a mind to simply pick her up and drive her to a hospital myself.
“They’re on their way,” Parker said. “Is she breathing?”
“Yes, and has a pulse.” I’d learned CPR and first aid when I moved to the woods. It was another activity to fill the time, and I figured it would be useful if I ever ran into someone on the trail that needed help. I hadn’t ever expected to use it on the woman carrying my child. “She’s out cold, though.” I was dying inside. “Hope.”
“Lay her back and raise her legs,” Parker said as he was repeating what he was being told by the dispatcher on the phone.
I gently lay Hope on her back and moved to her legs, lifting them and resting them on my thighs.
Parker dropped to his knees next to her and took her hand. “Hope,” he said. “Wake up. Don’t do this to me.”
I wanted to tell him not to think of himself at this moment, and yet I’d be a liar if I hadn’t had the same thought. She couldn’t be ill when I hadn’t fixed everything between us yet.
I heard the siren in the distance getting closer. “Hurry the fuck up,” I said.
“I’ll go open the door,” Parker jumped up and rushed to the door. “Yes,” he said to the dispatcher on the phone with him. “They’re pulling in.”
Just as the paramedics rushed in, Hope’s eyes fluttered.
“Hope. Hope, wake up.”
The paramedics had me move and knelt down to help her. “What happened?” one asked.
“I’m not sure. We were finishing dinner. Her brother was at the door. As I was letting him in, I heard her fall.”
“Does she have any medical conditions?” the paramedic asked.
“She’s pregnant,” I said.
“How far along is she?”
“About eight weeks. We just had a sonogram today. Everything was fine.” How could this happen when the doctor said she was okay?
“What’s her name?”
“Hope. Her name is Hope.” I looked over at Parker, wishing I was getting answers instead of having to answer questions.
“Hope,” the female paramedic said. “Can you hear me?”
The other one started to poke a needle in her arm.
“What are you doing?” I moved toward him, but Parker stopped me.
“Let them do their job, Mitch.”
“We’re giving her fluids,” the man said.
“Hope,” the woman said again.
Hope’s eyes finally opened. “What…” her eyes moved around. “Why am I on the floor?”
“You fainted, honey,” the woman said. “We’re going to take you to the hospital.”
Hope’s hand went right to her belly. “My baby.”
“Let’s get you to the hospital, and everything will be checked out.”
“Mitch?” Hope said as she looked for me.
“I’m here, Hope.” I moved so she could see me. “Parker is here too.”
He came to stand next to me.
“We need you to stand aside.” The lady paramedic said.
“I want to go with her,” Parker said.
I started to protest, but then realized he had more right than I did. Yes, she was carrying my child, but he was her family.
“I’ll meet you there,” I said to her.
She nodded, looking a little frightened. I wanted to reassure her, and I wanted to be there when the doctor checked her over. What the fuck would I do if something was wrong with her?
Hope—Family
Hope
I lay in the hospital bed as nurses poked and prodded, and asked questions but didn’t give me many answers. Parker had come with me in the ambulance, but he was now in a waiting room. Was Mitch here too? I really wished he was in the room with me.
“Is my baby okay?” That's what I cared about most.
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“We’re going to do a sonogram,” the doctor said. “So far, everything looks okay. Fainting isn’t that uncommon in pregnancy, but we want to make sure it’s not something else.”
I nodded. “Can my…” What was Mitch? “Can I see..”
“Let us get to the bottom of what’s going on, and then you can have family in,” the nurse said patting my hand. “Can you tell me what happened?”
“I just finished dinner. My brother was at the door and…” I didn’t want to tell them I was afraid he and Mitch might end up fighting, so I skipped that bit. “I stood up to go to them, and then, that’s it. I woke up on the floor.”
“She was out for about ten minutes,” another nurse said.
“I must have stood up too fast. My doctor said not to do that.” I started to cry.
“You okay. Does something hurt?” the nurse asked.
“No. It's just that my doctor warned me and I still messed up.”
“Oh, honey, it’s okay. You’re going to make many more mistakes as a mom, I promise you.”
“Uh-huh,” the other nurse nodded. “Just the other day, I sent my child to school in mismatched shoes.”
The nurse next to me laughed. “One of the pitfalls of working nights and then trying to get your kids to school in the morning.”
It seemed like forever, but finally, the sonogram person was there. This one didn’t say much. She simply took images and the left.
“Is my baby okay?” I asked again. Why was it so difficult to find out the condition of my baby?
“The doctor will review and be in shortly,” the nurse said.
Another eternity went by when the doctor came in, saying everything looked fine and that I could go home, after a reminder to not get up too fast.
As I waited for the discharge papers, Parker came in, followed by Mitch. They each took a spot on either side of me.
“I’m sorry, Mitch.” Guilt consumed me.
“For what? They say the baby is okay.” He squeezed my hand.
“I shouldn’t have stood up so quick. I was just afraid you two were going to fight.”
Mitch looked over at Parker. Parker glanced at him but then returned his attention to me. “No fighting, Hope.”
They didn’t look like friends again, but if they weren’t going to fight. That was good. “Did you call mom and dad?” I asked Parker.
“Not yet. I think maybe you can do that while I drive you home.”
Next to me, Mitch stiffened. “You okay with that?” He asked me.
I really wanted to be with Mitch. We’d been having such a lovely evening, and despite the danger of it, I wanted it to be the start of something more than just friends raising a child together. I gripped his hand. “Thank you for the groceries and dinner. I hope I didn’t scare you off.”
He smiled. “No, honey. I just hope you’re okay.”
I knew he meant the baby, not me. “Yes. I’m fine. And there aren’t two in there. I looked closer this time.”
He laughed. “I’d be okay with two, but one at a time is probably best.”
One at a time. Did that mean he wanted more? He leaned over and kissed my forehead. “I’ll check on you tomorrow. Parker and your family will want to be with you tonight.”
I wanted to ask him to stay too but knew it would be awkward for him with Parker. “Will you bring me more corn chips and ice cream?” I needed to know I’d see him again. Not a check-in, but to really see him.
“Whatever you want,” he said with a smile and a wave goodbye.
I watched as he left and then turned to Parker.
“You both are friggin idiots,” he said.
“You’re an asshole,” I told him.
“I know, but you love me.”
“Yes. I do.” I frowned. “Why are we idiots?”
He rolled his eyes. “You love him, he loves you, and yet you’re both too stupid to see it. Jesus, you’re having a baby and still can’t tell each other how you feel. It would be hilarious if it weren’t so fucking tragic.”
“Since when are you on the side of love, especially where Mitch and I are concerned.”
“Since I saw you passed out on the floor and realized I was being a jealous, petty asshole. And Mitch, I think he died right then and there.” Parker’s eyes turned serious. “I’ve always wanted both of you to be happy. I just didn’t think it would be together. It’s still weird, but I can see it now. The two of you make sense.”
I started to cry.
“Oh jeez, now what?”
“He doesn’t want me. He’ll be there for the baby, but that will be it. He doesn’t love me.”
Parker rolled his eyes again. “Yes, he does. He’s just afraid. Give him time, Hope. He’ll come around.”
I wanted Parker to be right, but I was afraid to believe it. If Mitch loved me, wouldn’t he have hung around? He would have insisted on taking me home despite Parker and my family?
On the way home in Parker’s car, I called my parents, and as predicted, they insisted on coming over. Parker put me on the couch while he cleaned up Mitch’s dishes.
“Do you need anything?” he asked when he was done.
“Corn chips and ice cream.”
“For real?” His face showed disgust.
“It’s good.”
“Alright.” He went to the kitchen and got the chips and ice cream. By the time I was settled in with the sweet and savory treat, my parents were at the door.
My mother rushed in and gave me a thorough look over.
“I’m fine now, mom. Really.”
“A parent’s worst nightmare is to get a call that something happened to your child,” she said. She looked at my snack and laughed. “I ate popcorn and jelly beans when I was pregnant with you two.”
That sounded disgusting.
“You really okay, pumpkin?” my father asked. He was trying to look stoic, but I could see that the call worried him too.
“I’m good, in fact, I have something to show you.” I started to get up, but Parker barked at me to stay seated. I told him to get me my purse.
“Mitch and I had a sonogram today, and we heard the baby’s heartbeat.” I handed my mother the sonogram picture. Mitch and I each got one.
“Oh, look…our first baby picture.” My mother’s eyes misted. “What a beautiful baby.”
“Will it grow into its head,” Parker asked.
“Parker!” my mother chastised. “Of course, it will. And even if it doesn’t, we’d love it all the same.”
It was nice to be with my family without all the tension that had been there over the last couple of weeks. My parents stayed in my guest room while Parker slept on the couch.
As I snuggled into my bed, my phone beeped with a notification. I looked at it. A text from Mitch.
Are you okay?
I typed out my response. Yes, the baby is fine.
A few seconds later, my phone beeped again. But are you okay?
God, I wanted that to mean something. Yes.
I was getting ready to put my phone down when it sounded again. Sleep well, Hope.
You too, Mitch.
There were no more texts after that, but that was okay. I still went to sleep with a smile on my face. My baby was fine, and Mitch and I were getting along. My family was here. Really, what more could I ask for?
I was sure my mother came into my room several times through the night to make sure I was okay. I’d probably do the same with my child over the next many years.
The next morning, my father was making pancakes, while my brother read the news on his phone, and my mother started doing my laundry.
“You don’t need to hover and baby me,” I said. “Shouldn’t you be at work?” I said to my brother.
“I took a day. Family time. Or I might play golf.”
I laughed. “Mom, you don’t need to do my laundry.”
“Your father wouldn’t let me make breakfast, and I had to do something.”
I rolled my eyes.
“I love you guys, you know that, right?”
My mom grinned. “Yes, honey.”
“You love me most, right?” my father called from the stove.
“Are those chocolate chip pancakes?” I asked.
“You bet, nothing but the best for my baby girl.”
“Then, yes.”
“Who knew a few chocolate chips could buy your love,” my mother said.
“What about ice cream and corn chips?” Parker asked with a quirk of his brow.
“I think ice cream can buy anything.” My mother said. “It should be a new currency. It’s more valuable than gold.”
“Love. That’s more valuable than it all,” my father said, setting a platter filled with pancakes on the table. “But pancakes are the best thing.”
Mitch—Building a Life
Mitch
I’d thought my world had shifted in the right direction when I heard my baby’s heartbeat, but when I saw Hope on the floor motionless, I felt like my world had ended. At that moment, the wall that I had up that stopped me from loving Hope shattered into crystal clear clarity. It was at that moment that I realized that Hope was my life.
I didn’t want to leave her side, and yet, I didn’t feel I had the right to usurp Parker and her family, not yet anyway. When I knew she and the baby were fine, I headed home.
It wasn’t late, and my mother was still up sitting in her living room reading a book, while Duke and George slept at her feet.
“I wasn’t expecting you home,” she said when she saw me.
“I told you I’d be home after dinner.”
She gave a look. “When are you going to finally admit you love Hope?”
“Now,” I said, sitting on the couch next to her chair.
Her smile was wide. “Oh. Did something happen?”
“We saw the baby and heard the heartbeat,” I said, pulling the sonogram picture from my shirt’s breast pocket and handing it to her.
“Oh, Mitch. It’s beautiful.
It was a gray blob on a black background, but I agreed. “It was like nothing I ever experienced,” I told her. “I looked at it, and I was like, I created that.”
She reached over and took my hand. “So, you and Hope made up? You forgave her?”
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