Where Loyalties Lie

by Ramsower, Jill

  His shoulders relaxed as he lowered me, then retrieved a condom from his wallet. He rolled it on and had me back in his arms in no time. “First like this, then I’ll take you back to the bedroom. I need you too much to be gentle the first time.” With those words, he plunged inside me, taking three long pumps to sheathe himself fully inside me.

  I’d never felt so full and complete in my life—as if his cock belonged inside me. It wasn’t just his cock. Having him there with me made my heart feel so much more capable of handling the other struggles in my life. Like a cracked glass that couldn’t hold water, he sealed those cracks and made me a stronger person.

  I clung to his shoulders as he pounded inside me, neither of us able to get enough of each other. After he brought us both to the blinding peak of the mountain and sent us careening down the other side, he carried me to the bedroom without missing a single beat. I, on the other hand, was a wobbly tangle of limbs.

  I wasn’t sure I could handle another round, but when his velvety tongue lapped at my slit, warm embers of lust began to ignite in my belly. He lavished attention over every inch of me—worshiped my body and lay siege to my heart. As if it wasn’t his already.

  Much later, when our bodies glistened with a sheen of sweat and the scent of sex saturated the bedroom, we lay entwined and talking softly to one another. I told him about my new job and the shelter. He gave me updates on his own life and what he’d heard from his friends.

  “And what about your other job?” I asked the question hesitantly. “Have you been … working?” My meaning was clear. I wanted to know if he’d killed anyone since we’d come home.

  His hand traced lazy circles on my back, only pausing briefly at my question. “It’s not like that. I don’t take jobs all the time. Just one every couple of months.”

  I’d wondered about that. I’d wondered about all of it. I also wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but at the same time, I didn’t think I could make an informed decision about him if I didn’t know the facts. I took a slow, steady breath and prepared myself for what I was about to say.

  “Will you tell me about it? I want to know more.”

  Chapter 30

  Tamir

  I wasn’t sure where her line of questioning was leading, but she wasn’t shutting me out, and that was all that mattered. There wasn’t a day I hadn’t laid eyes on her, but seeing her without being able to touch her was maddening. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take it.

  If she wouldn’t give in to being with me, I’d have to face the fact that I needed to leave. I couldn’t be so close to her and not have her.

  Telling her about my work could be exactly what we needed, or it could be the nail in the coffin that finally ended our chances. Either way, I agreed that she needed to know. I didn’t want to finally let a woman into my heart just to keep secrets from her.

  “I’m sent job offers by an entity who manages these things. I look through the file and determine whether the person they want dead has perpetrated acts heinous enough to justify their death, at least in my eyes. I’ve targeted political kingpins from other countries—like in the Congo, where the president was using children as soldiers, stealing them from their families, treating them horrifically to remove their humanity and training them to be ruthless machines. My last job, before I uncovered you, was a serial child rapist. He was a pharmaceutical executive, which is more likely the reason he was targeted, but his extracurricular activities were the important part to me.”

  “Do you trust the information this agency sends you? What if they make stuff up just to get you to do it?”

  “I verify their assertions when needed. Often, like with the rapist, there was photographic evidence that made it perfectly clear just how guilty he was.”

  “What about sex trafficking? Have you ever killed anyone in that industry?”

  I nodded. “I’ve snuffed out all types of evil. The government is limited in their reach, but I’m not. In my brand of justice, there is no judge or jury, but I accept that risk in the hope that I can help equal out the scales. It’s too easy for evil to prevail and for the world, as a whole, to look the other way. Someone has to get dirty to truly make a difference.”

  She was quiet for a moment as she absorbed what I’d told her. “I suppose it makes sense, but that worries me, too. I spent a lot of years rationalizing my actions, telling myself I wasn’t hurting anyone with my minor involvement in Los Zares. How am I supposed to know I’m not rationalizing myself into a bad decision now? When is it right to bend the rules, and when does it go too far?”

  I traced my fingers in random patterns across her back, loving the feel of her silky skin. “That’s something we all have to figure out for ourselves.”

  “Lately, I’ve been wondering if it’s enough to simply follow the rules and mind my own business. I can’t help but feel like I’m perpetuating the problem by not doing something to stop it. My eyes have been opened to the horrible things that happen in our world, and I feel awful going about my day as if people aren’t suffering. Am I accepting those crimes if I look the other way?”

  “There’s only so much one person can do—try not to be so hard on yourself.”

  “I know, but I also think maybe there’s still more I could do.”

  I stilled, not sure I liked where her thoughts were taking her. “What exactly are you suggesting?”

  “Nothing yet. Just trying to talk through my thought process.” She paused, stumbling on her next words. “I found out earlier that a girl went missing from the shelter. The staff is certain she was taken by traffickers, and it breaks my heart. She was so young and sweet. Knowing those men I’d encountered are still out there, and so many others like them, has weighed on my mind. I just don’t know how I can turn my back and not try to fight against people like that.”

  I felt the warm moisture of a tear hit my chest. My sweet Emily was too fucking compassionate for her own good. I hated to see her upset, but I was glad I could be there with her. I could tell she was more upset than she was letting on.

  “There are organizations that work on taking down traffickers, but it’s an ugly business and not often successful. The ruthlessness of criminals gives them an advantage over law enforcement. Keeps them one step ahead. You have to be willing to lose and keep fighting.”

  She lay still before lifting her head and meeting my eyes. “But you don’t. You walk straight up to them and do what needs to be done.” There wasn’t a hint of fear or judgment in her words, just cold certainty. It was sexy as hell.

  “I do, but not everyone can sleep at night after participating in the type of violence I’ve known. I’m not like most people.”

  “The more I think about it, the more I realize I’m not either. Something about you speaks to me. There’s no denying it or fighting it. I don’t necessarily want a life of danger, wondering if you’ll be hurt or killed, but I’m not sure I can live an ordinary life after the things I’ve seen. I haven’t made my decision, but I’m getting closer. Knowing more about what you do gives me a lot to think about, but I swear, I won’t make you wait much longer.”

  I turned our bodies so that I was on my side, looking down into her eyes. “My life isn’t fairy tales and rainbows. I’ve lived in the shadows and seen my share of evil, but if it all had to happen for me to be right here at this moment with you, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

  Pressing a kiss to her lips, I savored the heady taste of her and made sure she knew that I meant every damn word.

  Chapter 31

  Emily

  “You have my number now. I expect to hear from you.” Tamir leaned down and placed one last kiss on my lips, his hand firm around the back of my neck.

  I couldn’t help but smirk as he pulled away. He wasn’t exactly the bossy type, but it was sexy as hell when he was.

  He simply shook his head and walked down the hall toward the elevator. My smirk blossomed into a full-blown grin as I watched his breathtaking form from behind until he dis
appeared into the stairwell. He truly was blessed aesthetically.

  “I see Mr. Handsome is back.”

  I had thought I was alone in the hall, so when Grace interjected her comment, my heart performed a trick Cirque du Soleil would have been proud of.

  I slapped my hand over on my chest and laughed. “Grace, you scared me to death. Are you sure you aren’t part ninja?”

  The older woman stood in her doorway across from mine, grinning ear to ear. “Don’t I wish. I think you being surprised had a lot more to do with his good looks than my stealthy abilities.”

  My eyes drifted back to where I’d last seen Tamir. “You might be right.”

  We both broke into a fit of giggles.

  “Honey, I’m so glad you were able to come back. I know I told you already, but I sure did miss you.”

  I swept across the hall and wrapped my arms around the spindly older woman. “I missed you, too.” In my heart, I could feel my tita smiling down on me, and it filled me with joy.

  I returned to my apartment with a renewed sense of optimism, but my smile faltered when the implication of Grace’s original comment hit me. I see Mr. Handsome is back. I didn’t recall Tamir coming to my apartment before. Then it hit me. The attractive man she saw at my place the afternoon I was attacked. I had assumed it was my attacker looking for me, but of course, it hadn’t been. Asaf had never truly been after me, so he would have had no reason to be at my apartment. It had been Tamir all along.

  I shook my head and got out my phone.

  Me: Exactly how many times did you break into my apartment before last night?

  Tamir: Just once.

  Me: My elderly neighbor caught you. You’re not as stealthy as you think. I bit my lip to keep a stupid grin from spreading across my face.

  Tamir: Maybe next time I’ll come by in the middle of the night, and you won’t know I’m there until I’m inside you. Then we’ll see how stealthy I can be.

  Sweet baby Jesus. My head spun as hormones overloaded my system.

  Me: Promise?

  No, I was supposed to be taking a break from him and making a decision. But man, was it tempting.

  Me: Touché.

  It wasn’t nearly as fun, but it was the responsible way to respond. Acting like an adult sure did suck sometimes.

  ***

  My post-Tamir high quickly evaporated when I went back to daily life without the prospect of seeing him again anytime soon. I checked in with him via text each evening, and it was, by far, the highlight of my days.

  The young girl never showed up at the shelter, and the police were unable to trace her whereabouts. It felt like a grave injustice to go on with my life as if she’d never existed. I felt helpless, and I hated that feeling.

  I wrestled with my emotions each day, especially under the cover of darkness when I lay in bed alone at night. My tita would have wanted me to be happy, but she also would have wanted me to lead a life free of crime. Would she have seen Tamir’s brand of justice as a good thing or a part of the problem?

  There was no way to know. Plus, I had to accept that it didn’t matter what Tita would think. This was my life, and I had to do what was best for me. My life had never been ordinary, and I was starting to believe ordinary was never in my stars.

  The straw that finally tipped the scales was a simple encounter at an average coffee shop. I was pouring cream in my cup next to a man who spilled a portion of his coffee onto the table, burning the back of his hand. I quickly handed him napkins and helped clean up the spill.

  “Thanks, I’m going to have to be more careful.”

  “Not a problem. How’s your hand?”

  “I don’t think they’ll have to amputate,” he teased. “My name is Kyle.” He held out his uninjured hand for me to shake.

  “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Emily.”

  “You have a minute to sit?” he asked, with a hint of awkwardness that often comes with putting yourself on the line.

  I wasn’t in a rush, and I told myself this was exactly the type of guy I needed to give a chance. “Sure.” I nodded and followed him to a table.

  We sat and talked for thirty minutes. I learned about his dentistry practice and told him about the restaurant I managed. He was undeniably attractive, with an easy grin and dimples that would have melted the iciest heart. He was stable and friendly and everything I should have wanted. Still, there was absolutely zero spark—that intangible chemistry between two people that made your heart race and your thoughts get sucked into that person’s orbit until you could think of nothing but them.

  Instead, all I could think about was how this ordinary man could never measure up to Tamir.

  Tam was bolder than life itself. No dentist or salesperson or architect could ever compare to a man who tested the limits of life. No man could compare, and I was an idiot for even entertaining an alternative.

  I didn’t just love Tamir in spite of his job; I loved him because of it. I loved him because he ravaged an army to bring justice to his sister’s death. I loved him because he was the type of man who had lifelong friendships and the kind of heart that would go cross-country to help a woman in trouble. He would argue his actions were much more selfishly motivated, but I didn’t believe it. He was genuinely a good person, looking to make the world a better place, and I wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to be a part of him.

  The certainty of my revelation hit me with the force of a semi-truck, right there in front of Keith, or Kenny, or Kyle—whatever his name was. Once I gave in to my feelings and admitted there was only one man for me, I felt like everything else clicked into place, like a Rubik’s Cube that couldn’t be mastered until I’d completed the precise number of rotations.

  I put a quick end to the coffee date, wishing I could go straight to Tamir and give him my answer, but I was due at work in a half hour. I walked with renewed vigor to the restaurant and worked my shift with so much enthusiasm that even Gordon Ramsay would have approved.

  I’d only been working there for just over a week, so one of the owners was still present at closing to make sure the place was locked up and ready for the next day. The second I was given the okay to leave, I hurried straight to Tamir’s apartment.

  His building didn’t have a code to get in, so I was able to go straight to his door. It was late, but I didn’t care. I had to put an end to the floundering uncertainty. It would have been prudent to text him that I was coming, but I’d been too preoccupied in my haste to think of it until I was staring at the peephole of his dark green door.

  Wisps of my hair flew in all directions, and my skin was dewy with sweat from my jog over, but none of that mattered. The only thing I cared about was my resounding certainty that Tamir was the only man for me.

  I lifted my fist and knocked on the door, butterflies wreaking havoc on my insides. I only had to wait a single, breathless minute before the door swung wide, and Tamir’s guarded expression greeted me on the other side.

  “Emily, is everything okay?” His eyes darted down the hallway behind me as he pulled me inside his apartment.

  “Everything’s fine—more than fine. It hit me today that I need to listen to my heart. Even though what you do scares me, I can’t imagine ever being with someone else. You’re it for me, Tamir. I love you, and every day without you was more painful than the day before. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out, and I hope that doesn’t make you question the depth of my feelings, because I love you so much it hurts.”

  Tamir put an end to my rambling when he pulled me into his chest in a crushing hug, one of his hands cradling my head over his heart. “Shhhh, you have no reason to worry about me. I’ve understood from the beginning that you were in a traumatic situation. I would never have pressured you to make life decisions while you were still processing everything that had happened. I felt bad for pushing you when I came to your apartment, but I’d been weak. Desperate to see you. To touch you.”

  I pulled back and peered up at him through watery
eyes. “I’m glad you did. I think our paths were meant to cross. Denying that felt painful and unnatural, which was all too obvious after being with you again. You’re it for me, Tamir—” I stopped suddenly, and my eyes widened. “I don’t know your last name,” I breathed. “How the hell did I lived with you for almost three weeks, fall in love with you, and allow you to kill me without ever knowing your last name?”

  He just grinned. “Because Emily Ramirez Rodgers Reyes, names mean nothing. But since one of these days, I’d like for you to carry my last name, I suppose you should know, it’s Hofi. Tamir Hofi.” Then he kissed me, and I’d never felt so happy in my entire life.

  Chapter 32

  Tamir

  Three months later

  “I’m not going to be in town next week to train with you,” I informed Maria as she practiced a series of punches into the pads on my hands.

  “It’s not like I can do much with this watermelon in my gut. It’s made me slow, and my balance is shit.”

  “Only one more month.” I smirked, knowing my sentiment wouldn’t help.

  “Don’t remind me. I want my body back, but I’m terrified of having to care for a baby. We’ve hired someone to help out, and that’s the only reason I’m not a total basket case right now.” She stopped her strikes and went for her water bottle, squeezing a long stream into her mouth. Her hair was soaked, sweaty strands clinging to her face from all directions.

  “You have nothing to worry about. You’re going to be a wonderful mother.” I held her eyes, appreciating the strong young woman she’d become. “It hasn’t escaped my attention you’ve changed enormously over the past six months, and I don’t just mean your belly. I’m proud of you, Maria. I know your life hasn’t been easy, but you’ve persevered and become better for it.”