SY 05_Say Yes: Forever

by Amelia Mae

“Really? Right now?”

  “Not now. And probably not for a few more years,” she answers. “But I want kids someday, and I want them with you. Does that freak you out?”

  I expect to feel like I’ve just swallowed ten shots of espresso and my heart will beat out of my chest. But I don’t.

  I feel kind of calm about it.

  “No. It doesn’t freak me out,” I finally answer.

  “But I don’t want to have kids until after we get married.”

  “Married.”

  “Married,” she says, decisively.

  We sit in the car, not moving.

  “Married,” I repeat.

  “Yeah. I want to get married, Jack.”

  I nod. I’m still not freaking out, but I can’t make myself say anything either.

  “I want to get married. In the near future,” she says. “Doesn’t have to be now. But… soon. And I need you to tell me that’s not impossible.”

  “It’s not.” My voice is barely a whisper. “Not impossible.”

  She looks relieved.

  “I mean, I don’t see how it’s so different from what we’re doing now,” she continues. “I mean, we already live together. And we’ve been together for years.”

  “I know.”

  “And…”

  “You don’t have to convince me, Nikki,” I tell her. “I want to marry you.”

  She smiles.

  “But I need you to let me ask you on my own terms,” I insist. “I love you. But, until you and I got together, I didn’t think I’d ever be in a long-term relationship. Let alone, ever consider marriage or kids.”

  “So, you need me to give you time.”

  “Yes.”

  “A lot of time?” she asks.

  “I don’t know how much time. Can you deal with that?”

  “Jack, I’m going to love you and be with you whether or not you ever decide to propose,” she says. “But… I also know what I want. And now… so do you.”

  “Okay.”

  She leans her head to one side and narrows her eyes. “And, who knows? Maybe I’ll propose to you.”

  I open my mouth to reply, but she cuts me off.

  “And don’t make a joke about me getting on my knees,” she chides. “I knew that was coming.”

  I crack a smile as I take Nikki’s hand.

  “You’re so fucking perfect.”

  Thirty-Three

  Nikki

  Jack and my brother hang out in the kitchen, drinking beer and talking about the tour. I take the opportunity to check in with my baby niece and my sister-in-law.

  “How’s the show going?” I ask her.

  Cora is an amazing actress and is a series regular on a young adult drama called Westlanders. It couldn’t have worked out better for her. She has a job doing something that she absolutely loves and a mostly-regular schedule so that she can be home for the baby.

  “It’s awesome, actually,” she says, setting Alicia down to sleep in her crib. “The writers gave my character a really cool series arc and all the critics say we’ll get renewed for another season.”

  “I’m so happy for you.”

  “Thanks. Are you excited for the tour?”

  “Yeah, I’m excited,” I tell her, flatly.

  “You don’t sound excited.”

  I guess I don’t.

  I watch Cora kiss Alicia’s little chubby cheek and wish her goodnight. I follow suit, taking the opportunity to love on my little niece.

  “What’s going on?” she wonders.

  I look towards the kitchen reflexively.

  “Don’t worry, they can’t hear you from here,” she assures me.

  I roll my eyes at the drama of it all.

  “I told Jack that I wanted to get married. Soon. Well… soon-ish. And his response was… lukewarm.”

  “Nikki, if that’s how you feel, then you had to tell him. You did the right thing.”

  “I know.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He said he wanted to do it on his own terms. In his own time,” I tell her.

  “That’s promising, actually.”

  “Look, I didn’t expect Jack to go from being a huge slut to being marriage material overnight.”

  “That’s… practical.”

  “But now things are all tense and awkward between us, and we’re going to be trapped together on a bus while I just wait around to see if he’ll ever propose to me,” I confess.

  “You could propose to him,” she suggests.

  “I thought of that,” I say with a laugh. “Jack wasn’t on board.”

  Cora and I leave Alicia and walk towards the kitchen.

  “Whatever happens, know that Jack loves you,” she tells me. “He loves you fiercely. And that won’t ever change.”

  “I know.”

  A few days later, we’ve packed and gathered all the gear for the tour. We’re in the parking lot of a strip mall, and I’m checking off items on the list. A couple of roadies are loading equipment and Jack checks in with one of the techs.

  Normally, this is Julia’s job, but she’s been specially requested to continue working with My Hero, so she’s unavailable and our boss didn’t want to train a newbie.

  I don’t mind it, though. I like my job.

  Sure, it’s a job that I initially got through nepotism. Because Ian wanted a way to keep me around. But I eventually figured out how to do it. And now, I daresay, I do it well.

  Once everything is ready, we board the busses and pull out of the parking lot. Dylan opens the mini fridge in the kitchenette and we each grab a beer.

  “To the world tour,” he says, raising his bottle.

  The other guys and I cheer. It’ll be just the five of us from here on out. Of course, the other guys’ wives will be visiting intermittently, but I’ll be here for the whole tour, including the entire international leg.

  Which means almost six months of waiting for Jack to be ready to marry me.

  This is almost worse than when we were just sexually frustrated friends.

  “To Dylan and Jane,” Shawn says, toasting Dylan on their wedding.

  Dylan nods and raises his bottle again.

  “To the fifth album,” Ian adds.

  Another round of toasting.

  “To…” Jack tries to think of something. “To Nikki.”

  The guys give a toast to me. I smile. It’s not quite the proposal I was looking for, but it’s sweet, nonetheless.

  The guys start shooting the shit and eventually, the guitars come out and a jam session happens. It’s awesome, being back on the bus with the band. I forgot how much I missed this.

  I also have to note that the chatter is pretty devoid of crudeness or sexual exploits these days. But since three quarters of the band are married, I guess it makes sense.

  Eventually, Dylan, Ian, and Shawn retreat to their respective bunks, leaving Jack and me in the little living room area alone.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” he says. “Julia’s awesome, but it’s different with you.”

  “She’s actually better at this job than I am,” I point out. “I mean, one of the biggest bands in the world requested her…”

  “She’s not you,” he says. “I’m not in love with Julia.”

  “That’s good to know.”

  “And I’m glad it’s not weird,” he continues.

  “Yeah, me too… wait. What?”

  “I’m glad it’s not weird,” he repeats. “We’re going to be trapped together on this bus for a while and, after that talk, we could really be tense. And we’re not.”

  “Yeah.” I nod, slowly. “We’re not weird. It’s… great.”

  Jack puts his arm around me and finish our beers.

  “Want another?” he asks.

  I shake my head no. “I think I’m gonna hang out in my bunk for a minute.”

  I get up and hide out in my bed with the curtain closed. I put in my headphones, lie down, and close my eyes. There aren’t going to be
too many moments of peace for the next few months, so I should cherish them when they present themselves.

  The first show of the tour is in Las Vegas and the energy is high.

  The guys have a sound check, and I get started on the million things to do and people to check in with before the show starts.

  About an hour to showtime, with the guys in the dressing room, I check my email, finding something that I can barely believe.

  An email with the subject line: Dad’s Funeral.

  I do a double take at the screen.

  I don’t have a dad.

  He disappeared a few months after I was born and never bothered to reach out to Ian or me throughout our entire lives. Until now, we had no idea if he was dead or alive and we weren’t being particularly bothered by it either. When our mother died, no one at the funeral introduced himself as my father.

  Not that I would have recognized him if he did.

  I’m about to delete the email, figuring that it’s clickbait or a weird prank or otherwise not intended for me when I get a glimpse of the next line: You don’t know me, but I’m your half-sister.

  I open the email. Maybe I shouldn’t but I do.

  Dear Nicolette,

  You don’t know me, but I’m your half-sister. My name is Sarah Brooks and your father married my mother. I wanted to let you know that Jeremy Brooks passed away last night after a long battle with cancer.

  In case you are interested, funeral services will be held in our church on Thursday at 11am. You and Ian are both welcome to attend.

  Sincerely,

  Sarah Brooks.

  There is information about the location of the funeral services. I check the address because I’m curious as to where the bastard finally ended up.

  Salt Lake City, Utah.

  I think of everything I know about Utah. I got nothing.

  Then there’s a picture of my father beside the church information. I’ve seen a few pictures of him throughout my life, but mostly my mother destroyed all traces of Jeremy Brooks after he left.

  But that picture is a spitting image of Ian. And, I guess, a little bit of me. I definitely have his eyes.

  “Jeremy Levon Brooks,” I say out loud.

  Right. My father has a real name. Well… had.

  I don’t want to repeat it out loud again. I don’t want to think about the fact that he was a real person and not some abstract concept that I vaguely had a sense of.

  My first instinct is to delete this stupid email and pretend I never got it. I don’t want to know what happened to my father after he left us. As far as I’m concerned, he’s been dead my entire life. His actual death makes no real difference.

  I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding and get myself together. My father’s absence hasn’t affected me throughout my life, so why should his death bother me at all?

  And yet, I feel like I’ve just had a heavy weight dumped on my shoulders. I feel like I’m moving in slow-motion through molasses.

  Then I have a fascinating thought.

  I do have a sister. A real one.

  A sister.

  I wonder how old she is and what she does for a living. I wonder if she looks like me and Ian.

  I should tell him. He deserves to know about this so that he can decide for himself what he wants to do.

  But I can’t tell him now. Not right before he’s got to go play a show. It’ll get in his head and he’ll play like shit. I’ll tell him tonight. After the show is done.

  Thirty-Four

  Jack

  Something’s wrong with Nikki. Something serious.

  She’s acting like everything’s fine, but I know my girlfriend. I know when her smile is fake and her I’m okay means that she’s anything but okay.

  And I know that whatever is happening is probably about me.

  With Nikki gone for the day running errands and the rest of us spending the day in the hotel with nothing important to do, I do the only thing I can think of to figure out what’s going on with Nikki. Ask her brother.

  I run into Ian on his way back from the hotel gym.

  “Do you have a minute?” I ask him.

  He shrugs, indicating that he’s a sweaty mess.

  “It’s about Nikki,” I say. “Something’s up.”

  “And you’re asking me about it because…”

  He opens the door to his hotel room, and I follow him inside. Ian looks around for fresh clothes. I sit on the bed.

  “Because Nikki won’t tell me what’s going on, and I’m pretty sure it’s about a conversation we had the other day,” I tell him. “And if she won’t tell me, I can only assume it’s about me.”

  Ian looks frustrated.

  “It’s not about you,” he says. “But if she’s not saying anything, then I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

  I groan.

  “But… it affects me too, so I guess I can tell you some of it,” he says. “Okay, so… Nikki got an email from our half-sister.”

  I’m floored. “You have a half-sister?”

  “We just found out about her. I have no idea how she got Nikki’s email, but she reached out to tell us that our father died and invite us to the funeral,” he tells me.

  Another shrug.

  “Are you going to the funeral?” I ask.

  “I’m not,” he replies. “But Nikki’s up in the air about it. She’s seriously thinking of taking a flight to Salt Lake City in the middle of the tour to go see them put Jeremy Brooks in the ground.”

  “And she was going to tell me… when?”

  “Dude, don’t make this about you.”

  I’m caught off guard. Ian doesn’t usually give me shit, but this time, he’s right.

  “You’re right,” I concede. “I’ll let you shower.”

  “Thanks.”

  I get up and head for the door. Ian shuts the bathroom door.

  “I’m, um… I’m sorry about your dad,” I tell him.

  He doesn’t respond.

  Back in my own room, I find that Nikki’s still out, so I find my laptop and start figuring out the best way to get to Salt Lake City from here. I’m pretty sure she should just rent a car and drive.

  I’ve found a rental car company online and I’m about to enter my credit card information when the door opens and Nikki returns.

  Like a fucking idiot, I jump a mile and slam my laptop shut like a teenager caught looking at porn.

  “What’s going on?” she asks.

  “Nothing.”

  I couldn’t sound more suspicious if I tried.

  “Jack…”

  “Fine,” I say with a grimace. “Ian told me about… your dad.”

  “Fuck, really? He can’t keep anything to himself.”

  “Nikki, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t talk to me about this.”

  “Because you’re in the middle of a world tour. I don’t want to pull focus.”

  “Bullshit,” I say. “I call bullshit. Try again.”

  “Fine. I don’t really know how I want to deal with this news,” she admits. “Maybe because I wanted to figure it out for myself before I told you. Or maybe because I told you that I wanted to get married and I don’t want you to feel any more pressure to deal with my shit…”

  “That’s insane, Nikki.”

  “Insane? Are you calling me crazy?”

  “No, of course not,” I backtrack. “But, Nikki… I’m your boyfriend. I’m here to deal with this with you.”

  “It’s too much.”

  “This is what a relationship is.”

  She shakes her head. “You don’t understand.”

  “Seriously, darlin’?” I shoot back. “I don’t know what it’s like to have your father skip out on your family only to have him come creeping back just in time to die.”

  She looks me dead in the eyes. “Okay. You’re right. If anyone gets what this feels like, it’s you.”

  Nikki shucks off her jacket and drops down into the bed.

/>   “So what do you want to do?” I ask.

  I lie down next to her.

  “I have no idea,” she admits. “I don’t know if going to the funeral will make me feel better or worse.”

  She puts her head on my shoulder.

  “You went to your dad’s funeral,” she remembers. “Did it help?”

  I think about it. “Honestly, when I was at that funeral, all I could think about was that I’d lost you because I’d become too much like him. My mind wasn’t really on the funeral.”

  “Okay, well… how do you think you’d feel if you didn’t go?”

  I pull her in closer, so’s kind of tucked under my chin and close my eyes. Sometimes it’s easier to admit the terrible things about myself to Nikki when I can’t really look at her.

  “I don’t think it would change the way I feel about him. I’m not going to suddenly find any redeeming qualities in my father,” I answer. “But I guess I’m glad that I went. I felt like I got to let go of something.”

  “Hm…”

  “I’m not going to tell you what to do,” I assure her. “But if you decide you want to go to Utah, I’ll make sure you get there.”

  “Will you go with me?”

  “If you want me to.”

  “What about the tour?” she asks.

  “I can find someone to fill in for me for one night.”

  I feel her nod against my chest.

  “What if I want to go alone?” she whispers. “I… I think I need to do this by myself, Jack. I’m sorry, but…”

  “Don’t apologize. This isn’t about me.”

  “I love you,” she says, softly.

  “Love you too.”

  “Kiss me.”

  I shift to my side and kiss Nikki softly. We’re fully clothed and barely moving, but I feel this kiss in my bones. We kiss for a long time and I have no idea how much time has passed before we surface.

  “So what were you looking at when I came in before?” she wonders.

  “Rental cars. It’s the fastest way to get to the funeral from here. About an eight hour drive.”

  “Okay.”

  “You okay to make that kind of a trip by yourself?”

  “Yeah. I’m more worried about what’ll happen when I get there.”