But she did.
After they’d kissed in the barn, they’d walked outside and kissed under the stars. Talked and kissed some more. And with each kiss Kinsley knew things were moving to a place she couldn’t back away from. With each kiss her plans grew less and less sure and her concerns increased.
But she couldn’t change the course of her future. Not without knowing what Elliot was going to do.
“I don’t know what you mean.” Kinsley said.
“When I came out here, you were smiling,” he said. “Working on those pictures.”
“I was reliving the day. It was perfect.”
“Yeah. And a lot of that was thanks to you, but you seem a lot more relaxed taking pictures, which, by the way, should be an incredibly stressful job.”
“So you keep saying. Sorry I wasn’t more twitchy.”
Elliot closed her laptop and set it aside, leaned in and took her hands in his.
“I don’t think you would be happy working for this Jill chick.”
Kinsley pulled in a steadying breath, seeking the right way to say what lay on her mind. But he kept talking.
“I think one of the reasons you want to work for her is that this could be a way to show your ex-fiancé how valuable you really are.”
Kinsley let his words sift into her mind, weighing them. And as they settled, they ignited a tiny spark of recognition. Of realization.
She tried to stifle it, but the harder she tried the more she realized how close he was to the truth. A truth that had been hovering at the edges of her mind but she didn’t want to face.
“Why do you care?” she asked, sidestepping the doubts he was seeding in her mind and coming directly to a point she needed to discover. “Why does this matter to you?”
“I want to see you happy.”
“What stake do you have in that?” The frustration his probing had created spilled out into her questions. And from the surprised look on his face, he heard it too.
He looked down at their joined hands, his thumbs running over the backs of hers.
“I care about you. I care about your happiness. A lot.”
His simple words forced a sharp intake of her breath. And yet, his vagueness created another unease. “And why does my happiness matter to you?” she asked.
“Things are changing between us,” Elliot returned. “You know that as well as I do.” He looked up, his eyes drilling into hers. But she also saw the faint question in them.
“And what are they changing to? Where are they going?” She used her questions to deflect his words. She cared for him too, but the indecision that nipped at her heels was woven through those feelings. But who was going to move first?
“I’m not sure,” he whispered.
Kinsley yanked her hands back from his. “Then I’m not either.” There was no way she was making any kind of commitment or change of plans for someone who didn’t know what he wanted.
“You’re sitting there questioning me about my future. What about yours?” she pressed, taking another tack.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re heading off to that rodeo next weekend, aren’t you?” she asked. “And then after that another one. And after that I don’t know how many more until you qualify for the CFR. And like I said before, then what?” She got to her feet, needing to put some distance between them. “You’re questioning my motives for working for Jill. What about your motives for wanting to get to the CFR? I know you’re doing it because of Dennis. But I don’t know why you care what he thinks. You told me yourself that he abused you. Why does his opinion matter so much? He should be completely unimportant to you.”
Elliot’s hands clenched and unclenched, and she could see a nerve jumping in his forehead, a clear indication of how he was fighting for control.
“I have to do this,” he ground out. “I have to prove that I’m better than him. Beat him at his own game. Win in his arena.”
“You can play another game.” She paused, praying for the right words. “Make a choice that doesn’t involve him. You’re a better man than he is. That’s already been proven. Don’t let him determine your future. Don’t dance to his tune.”
Elliot sat for a few more seconds, then he surged to his feet, the chair he was sitting in shooting away from him with a screech.
“I’m not dancing to his tune,” he ground out. “I’m making my own choices.”
“Are you? I saw what you looked like after your father phoned. After he criticized your last rodeo and your performance.”
“And how was that?” His narrowed eyes and clenched jaw were a clear indication she was flirting with disaster, but they had edged back and forth on this topic enough. Last night she had come very close to making a declaration of love to him. Yet she’d held back, and now she knew why. As long as his father was such an influence in his life, she couldn’t give him her heart. As long as Elliot’s focus was some nebulous plan to best his father, she didn’t dare hitch her wagon to his star. She had gone that route before and wasn’t going to let a man’s dreams take priority again.
And what about you? What are you doing? Are you willing to make that sacrifice?
She felt as if they were coming to an impasse. A game of emotional chicken with very, very high stakes.
“As he was talking to you, you looked like you’d been kicked in the gut.”
Elliot just glared at her, dropping his hands on his hips. “I told you, he doesn’t matter to me.”
She forced herself to hold his eyes, to not give in. This was too important. “Then don’t go to the next rodeo. Stay here.”
“And what would that prove? I don’t ride in that rodeo, I for sure don’t make it to the CFR.”
“And what would happen if you didn’t make it there?”
He looked at her as if she had lost her mind. “It’s all I’ve worked toward for the past few years.”
“I know you have, but why? When you came back from that last rodeo you looked worn out. Weary. You won, but you didn’t seem to have any joy in it. You say I’m happier when I’m taking pictures, but I think you’re happier here. On the ranch.”
He glared at her, that muscle working in his forehead. “Rodeo is tiring. And I need…” He stopped, shaking his head as he looked away from her. “So maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. Maybe I care too much what Dennis thinks…” He let the sentence trail off as his eyes traveled over the mountains cradling the valley the ranch sat in. He drew in a long, slow breath, as if gathering himself. “I can’t let him beat me at this. I can’t.”
Had he yelled this out, she would have been able to fight back. But the heavy resignation in his voice was something she couldn’t argue with.
And once again she was faced with a man who tried too hard to please the wrong person.
“Then go. Do this, but I can’t be with someone who’s working so hard to gain his parent’s approval. I can’t live like that again.”
“So you’re saying I have to make a choice?” he asked. Now the anger had slipped into his voice. Now the veiled fury was evident. “It’s either you or the dream I’ve been chasing?”
“Is it your dream? Is it what you really want?”
She spoke quietly and put extra emphasis on ‘you.’
And as Elliot looked away, his eyes closed, his fingers massaging the back of his neck, she sensed he wasn’t entirely convinced.
“I…I need to do this…” His hesitation, his wavering, made her feel guilty for pushing him, yet again. “If I don’t, he wins.”
His words echoed between them and a shiver feathered her spine.
“What do you mean, he wins?”
“I mean, he wins. He’ll never let me forget.”
Kinsley pushed her chair back from the table and stood, gathering her balance and her courage. “You asked me what I’m saying. I’m saying you don’t have to make a choice. You have to make a decision. For yourself and your own life.”
“No.
That’s not what you’re saying,” he said, slicing the air between them. “What you’re saying is you want me to give up all my hard work and dreams so that you don’t feel like I’m Drake all over again. If you think I’m walking away from this because of something you need to have happen, because of something that happened in your past, then you don’t know me at all.”
She looked up at him, his anger washing over her like a wave.
She fought down her own emotions, her own pain. “You’re right. I don’t know you.”
Then without another word he spun on his heel and walked away.
Guess he’d made his decision.
Kinsley turned away, unable to watch him leaving. She stumbled across the patio to the French doors. She entered the house and closed them behind her. Her heart stuttered in her chest, creating an ache deep inside her. Her eyes prickled with unshed tears, her throat thick with grief. How could she have let this happen again? How could she have allowed him to slip so completely into her soul that his leaving was like a tearing away?
She made her way up to her bedroom, dropped onto the bed, and stared up at the ceiling, tears pooling in her eyes and coursing down her temples. Too many feelings. Too many emotions.
“Dear Lord, what do I do?” Her petition was a whisper, drifting up to heaven. She knew she cared for Elliot more than she had ever cared for anyone before. He had said the same to her, and yet, she felt confused, unsure of how to support him. “What do I do?”
She knew his relationship with his father, his pursuit of this goal, was unhealthy. She couldn’t allow herself to get caught up with another man who had an all-consuming, single-minded purpose. She knew it would only end in heartbreak for her. Elliot could never please a man like his father, and Dennis would always be a shadow over their life.
But oh, how Elliot had captured her heart.
And oh, how it hurt.
Right then her phone rang. She didn’t want to answer it, but the thought that it might be Jill made her jump up and stumble across the room to grab her purse.
She pulled her phone out and swiped the screen before even letting the number register.
“Hey sweetheart, how’s it going?”
Kinsley sank onto the bed, clutching her phone. Was this God’s answer to her prayer? A phone call from her mother?
“Not too bad,” was all she could manage.
“You sound tired,” her mom said.
“You always say that, Mom.” Kinsley lifted her legs up and sank back onto the pillows, knowing this would not be a short conversation. Her mother didn’t phone often, but when she did, their conversation ranged over a variety of topics. Faith, work, life.
“And how did the wedding go?” she asked. “Did you get that job with the wedding business?”
“I don’t know,” Kinsley said. “I haven’t heard anything from Jill yet. So we’ll see. I don’t know how happy she was with my work.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Faith’s photographer bailed on her, and she asked me to take the wedding pictures. So I was juggling two jobs.”
“Isn’t that wonderful?” her mother said, excitement in her voice. “I know how much you love photography. Even though we told you it wasn’t a practical career move, I always thought your heart was in that more than this whole wedding planning business.”
Kinsley bit back an angry retort. This was the second time in thirty minutes she’d been challenged about her career choices. She didn’t like it. Far easier to challenge Elliot.
That’s different, she told herself. That’s an unhealthy relationship that’s going to poison him. And I can’t be around to see the fallout.
And yet, even as her mother’s words mingled with Elliot’s, she felt that ember of doubt that had been glowing ever since she began working with Drake and his mother. An ember that had been fanned both by Elliot’s questions and the reality of how much more she’d enjoyed taking pictures of the wedding than organizing it.
How much happier she was when she had a camera in her hand.
And what kind of future could she have with that?
“Even if that were true,” Kinsley said, “right now I need a steady job, and working with Jill would be a great opportunity.” Why did she sound like she was trying to convince herself more than her mother?
Her mind ticked back to Jill’s note taking. She wondered if she even had a chance with this job.
“You know your father and I would be more than willing to help you out,” her mother said.
Kinsley held that thought a moment, wondering what that would look like. Wondering what kind of help she dared ask for. But she dismissed the idea with a shake of her head. “I know that, and I appreciate it,” she said. “But if I was going to do something like that, I’d have to do it on my own.”
“You always were so fiercely independent,” her mother said. She sighed. “I always thought it was because of your accident, but I think your accident only brought out the stubbornness that was already in you.”
“Maybe,” Kinsley said. “But if I start a business, I need to know it can hold its own.”
“You could fall back on your degree while you build up your dream career,” her mother said.
“That’s a thought,” Kinsley said. “I could get a job at a bank again.”
“Last time we talked you mentioned a young fellow named Elliot.”
“Yeah, Kane’s foster brother.”
“So, anything starting up with him?”
Her mother was an unabashed matchmaker who was never subtle about her intentions. After Kinsley broke up with Drake, her mom had given her twenty-four hours to grieve and then handed her a list of single men from the church and the community. Complete with phone numbers. It was no secret that her mother had never particularly cared for Drake. Which probably hadn’t helped the relationship any.
She wondered, if her mother met Elliot, what she would make of him?
“No there’s nothing starting up with him.” Kinsley swallowed down a tremble.
“You sound upset,” her mother said, as ever attuned to the tiniest shift in Kinsley’s temperament or voice.
“It’s just… It’s been a busy week. Actually, a busy couple of weeks. Planning the wedding and taking pictures, and now I’m editing them.”
Thankfully her mother allowed her space and was quiet a moment.
“You have to send me some. You always take such beautiful pictures. In fact, I was showing some of your work to a friend of mine at the library, and he was wondering if you do freelance work. That’s why I was suggesting…”
Her mother paused, and Kinsley knew exactly where she was going.
“First of all, I really don’t want to move back to Ontario,” Kinsley said. “Besides, like I told you, I’m really hoping this opportunity with Jill comes through. And if it does, I won’t have much time to take pictures.”
“Always the wedding planner…” her mother said with a sigh. “You do realize you’ll never meet any eligible young men this way.”
“I don’t know about that,” Kinsley returned, striving for a light tone. “All those groomsmen and friends of the groom. Possibilities are endless.” She paused a moment, then plowed on. “And how are the cats doing?” she asked, latching onto a completely different topic, one that would steer her mother away from this difficult conversation.
Thankfully her mother took the hint and started describing the latest litter of kittens. As her mother spoke, Kinsley closed her eyes, easily seeing the place she had grown up, the wide open spaces. Though she always said she would never go back, living in the city did make her miss her hometown from time to time.
If she started working with Jill, she would be smack dab in the middle of Calgary. High-rises and concrete and traffic.
“You make sure you get some rest,” her mother said. “And don’t forget to go for your regular walks. You know how important that is for your leg.”
“Thanks for your concern, Mama” Kinsley said.
“Thanks for calling.”
“Kinsley, I… I…” Her mother’s hesitation surprised her, and Kinsley wondered what else she had to say.
“I need to tell you that Drake just got engaged,” she continued.
Kinsley smiled. “Well, I’m happy for him. I hope she doesn’t mind working with his mother.”
“Well, actually, Drake quit working for her. He and his girlfriend moved up to Ottawa.”
“Thanks for telling me, Mama,” Kinsley said. “But it doesn’t bother me. Not at all.”
“Well I just thought it might be good to hear it from me before you heard it from someone else,” her mother said. “I hope you have a good day, and, sweetheart, please think about what I said. I just want you to be happy. Don’t you get stuck in a job you don’t care for.”
Kinsley heard a note of regret in her voice. “What are you talking about?” she asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” her mother said, brushing aside her question.
“It does,” Kinsley pressed. “Are you unhappy with your job?”
“It’s just that, it’s just…” Her mother hesitated again. “I’ve been working at the library all these years, but it wasn’t what I wanted to do when I started out.”
This was news to Kinsley. “What did you really want to do?”
“What I really wanted to be was a skydiver, but there’s not many employment opportunities for that.” Her mother chuckled at her own joke. “But seriously, I always wanted to do more painting.”
Their house was decorated with a variety of her mother’s paintings, something she had dabbled in for years. “I never knew you wanted to become serious about that.”
“Well, I did, but my mother talked me out of it. She said there was no future in the arts. I knew she was right, but there are many times I wished I had followed my dream. I see a little bit of the same thing in you, with your photography. Don’t get pushed into a place you think you need to be.”
Kinsley thought of Elliot’s taunt, when he accused her of wanting to work for Jill because her business was higher-end than Drake’s and his mother’s. As hard as it was for her to admit it, there was a glimmer of truth in his accusation.
Taming the Cowboy (Family Ties Book 3) Page 22
