by Katy Kaylee
“Lucas, I was angry and I did want to hurt you.”
“That’s the first truthful thing you’ve said to me, isn’t it?”
“But after that first night, I couldn’t follow through.”
“Did your conscious get to you?”
“Yes, and I fell in love with you again.”
His eyes flashed with something, and I hoped that he would accept what I was saying.
“I’m sorry.”
“You and me both.” He turned to leave.
“Please Lucas, you have to believe me. What’s between us is real.”
He waved a hand, ignoring me. “Have a nice life Torryn.” Then he was out of the room. I ran after him, but he made it to the door and out into the drive before I could reach him.
“Lucas!” I called after him. But he ignored me as he got into his car, and sped away, out of my life.
“He’s left again, I see.”
I turned all my anger on Charlie. “This is your fault!”
“My fault? I wasn’t the one that came up with the plan to squash his heart like a bug.”
I couldn’t look at her. It wasn’t fair to blame her, but I couldn’t help it. I stormed past her and back into the house. I ran upstairs, just like I had six years earlier, and hid in my room to cry for him again. Only this time, the agony I felt was of my own making.
I don’t know how long I was there when there was a knock on my door. “Torryn?” My mother’s soft voice came through the door.
I couldn’t answer. The door opened and my mother came in. She sat on the edge of my bed and rubbed my back.
“Charlie told me what happened.”
“I’m sure that makes me a disappointment to you.”
My mother tsked. “It’s only natural to want to get back at people who hurt you, although I’m surprised you followed through.”
I sat up to look at my mother. “But I didn’t. Not all the way. I love him, mama. I really do.”
“I know honey.” My mom pulled me into a hug. “So, you should wash your face and get back to New York to make him change his mind.”
I pulled back, surprised by my mother’s advice.
“Do you think I don’t believe in love?” She had an amused half-smile. “I don’t know why? Look at your father and me.”
She was right. My mother was always practical and logical, but she and my father also had a loving, sweet relationship.
“I want what you have, mama. I want that with Lucas.”
“Well, then, let’s get you packed and on your way.”
Chapter 32
Lucas
How could I have been such a fool? That was the question that ran like a loop in my brain during the flight back to New York, and in the car ride back to my place. I wanted to see my mother. I wanted her love and support, and yet at the same time, I didn’t want to burden her. She was in the fight of her life. A broken heart wasn’t life-threatening, although it was hard not to feel like mine had ended.
I haven’t forgotten my plan to make him love me and then crush his heart.
Torryn’s words echoed in my ears. Now it all made sense. The reason she was never angry about my leaving six years ago. The reason she never asked what had happened to me. Those strange looks, which must have been rare moments when her conscious got to her. Yet she stayed the course and achieved her goal. She broke my heart. Broke my soul.
“I’m a fucking idiot.” I stood in the shower, my head under the spray as I tried to wash every remnant of her from my body. If only I could cleanse her out of my mind.
I cleaned up and pulled myself together, then headed to the hospital to visit my mother.
“Oh hey, how did it–” she stopped short and her smile faltered. “Uh oh.”
Apparently, my effort to keep my expression neutral failed.
“What happened? Torryn didn’t accept your apology?”
I scoffed at the idea that I was the one who needed to apologize. Yes, my leaving six years ago was bad, but at eighteen years old, I made the best decision I could with every intention of finding her again. I hadn’t treated her well when my fear about losing my mother had me getting angry at Torryn’s visit home. But what she did…that topped anything I’d ever done.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
My mother’s face turned sympathetic. “If you don’t want to talk, we don’t have to. But I hope it’s not because you’re trying to spare me. The greatest gift you could give me now, Lucas, is to be your mother. Mothers love and support their children, and help them when their hearts are broken.”
I closed my eyes, wishing I had better self-control over my emotions. “My heart is shattered.”
“Oh, honey.” Her arms stretched out toward me and I let her wrap me in her motherly embrace. “I’m so sorry.” She held me for what seemed like forever, before asking. “Can you tell me about it?”
I inhaled a deep breath as I pulled away from the hug. I stood at the side of the bed, holding her hand. “It was all a scam.”
“Scam?” Her brows knitted together.
“An act. She set out to make me love her so then she could break my heart to get back at me for leaving six years ago.”
“What? No. I don’t believe it.”
I nodded. “It’s true.”
“Are you sure? Did she say that?”
“Yes.”
My mother’s eyes turned hard like I imagined a mother bears got when protecting her young. “So, she broke up with you and told you she only spent time with you to hurt you?”
“Sort of.”
“I don’t understand? What did she say?”
I explained what I’d overheard Torryn say to Charlie and how she didn’t deny it.
“She wasn’t sorry?”
“She said she wanted to explain.”
“So maybe she didn’t mean it.” My mother’s expression turned hopeful.
“She set out to break my heart. This thing started on a lie. On an effort to hurt me.”
My mother squeezed my hand. “But maybe she couldn’t go through with it. Maybe she fell in love.”
I pulled my hand away. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Did she tell you she loved you?”
“Don’t you get it, mom? I can’t trust anything she said.”
“So, she did say she loved you.”
I rolled my eyes, wondering why she wasn’t giving the support she said she wanted to give. “Everything she did was an act.”
“What about volunteering to be a donor? Was that an act?”
“Probably.”
My mother’s expression turned skeptical.
“She knew I was vulnerable when it came to you. I told her how afraid I was to lose you and her. What better way to break me than to give me hope that you and I would have more time?”
My mother looked away for a moment. “I’m sorry Lucas, I just have a really hard time thinking that that lovely young woman is so diabolical. Maybe she started out to hurt you, but I can’t believe she’d go through all that.”
“You didn’t hear her, mom.”
My mom reached out to me again, and I took her hand.
“I’m so sorry Lucas.”
There was one thing I knew for sure…there was no future for me and Torryn. I told myself it was a relief to finally know for certain where I stood with her. Now I just needed to figure out how I’d be able to work in the same building with her. The truth was, I couldn’t face her. Even just conjuring up her face in my mind made my heart feel like it was being crushed by an anvil.
The answer was to work from home until I could shore up my strength. I was sure Oliver would allow it, but I wasn’t ready to confess my stupidity at thinking I’d be able to salvage all my hopes and dreams with Torryn. He’d been a support, even though I could see he questioned my goal.
From the moment I’d been forced to leave Torryn, all I’d thought about was how I’d get back to her. Even when it seemed like I’d given up, and settl
ed down to my life in New York, she had always been there. Wasn’t that why I’d never met anyone else? Why I’d never even tried to move on with another woman?
But I wasn’t ready to say all that to Oliver. Instead, I told him that my mother’s procedure was this week and that I wanted to be there for her until it was done. He agreed, and we made a plan for how I’d let him know what work I’d done and how I’d keep my team in the loop.
Later in the evening, the doorman of my building rang up to say a woman named Torryn Williams was there to see me. A part of me wanted to hear what she had to say, but what good would that have done? How would I know what was true and what was part of her scheme to ruin me? I told the doorman to tell her I wasn’t in.
Chapter 33
Torryn
I don’t know if Lucas wasn’t home or if he just told the doorman to get rid of me. It was plausible that he was with his mother, even at this late hour. He’d been gone for several days, and perhaps he needed her after what I’d done to him.
God. The weight of my betrayal nearly brought me to my knees. Why hadn’t I said something sooner? Why had I even set about on that dumb quest? That wasn’t me.
I had to find a way to see him again and explain, even though I was pretty sure I’d done irreparable damage.
I knew I had to figure out how to get him alone at work, and drop to my knees and beg if necessary. But when I arrived at work that Monday, he wasn’t in. Oliver called me into his office to explain that Lucas would be working from home since this was an important week for his mother.
I wondered what, if anything, Lucas had told Oliver. There was something in the way Oliver looked at me that suggested he knew or suspected something, but he didn’t ask, and I wasn’t about to tell my boss what a bitch I was.
“I know I said I wouldn’t be taking any time off again soon, but I do have something I need to take care of during lunch. It shouldn’t take me too long, but in case I’m late.”
“Are you happy here, Torryn? I know you had many job offers, but maybe this isn’t a fit?”
Oh, God. Had Lucas said something? Were they going to try and get rid of me? I could hardly blame them, even as the feminist inside me cried foul.
“I am. Really.” But because I was worried about the future of my job, which was all I had or would have at this point, I decided to come clean. “I know things have been crazy with me and Lucas, and I don’t know if he told you, but right now…well, things …”
“He hasn’t said anything to me about you recently.”
I felt that remark like a stab in the heart. I didn’t warrant a mention even to his best friend. “The thing is, I was tested to be a donor for his mother, and I’m a match. I need to take some injections each day this week, and the procedure is Friday, which is why I’d need that day off.”
His eyes widened. “Yes, yes, of course. But why would that complicate things for you and Lucas?”
“He doesn’t know.”
Oliver stared blankly at me.
“At first, I didn’t want to say anything because I had to take more tests to be sure and I didn’t want to get his or his mother’s hopes up. And then, well, there wasn’t time and now…” I looked down where my fingers nervously played with the hem of my skirt.
“And now?” he prodded.
“I need to earn back his …trust.”
“Helping his mother won’t do that?”
I shook my head. “No. He’d feel indebted and grateful, but that’s not what I want.”
“You want him to trust you.”
I nodded. I knew it was ridiculous, but I wanted Lucas to come back to me because he loved and forgave me, not because he felt like he needed to thank me for helping his mother. “Please don’t say anything to him.”
He studied me. “I don’t agree with this, but I’ll respect it. I won’t tell him.”
I let out a relieved breath. “Thank you.”
I avoided the Stoogettes on my way back to my office since I wasn’t in the mood to handle them. Then again, I’d deserve whatever they did to me.
At lunch, I headed to the hospital for my injection. I thought about visiting Lucas’ mother, but I wasn’t sure she’d be happy to see me, especially if he was there. I figured she needed as little stress and angst in her life as possible, and seeing me might upset her.
And so started my new normal in life. I should have been thrilled. I’d set out to live in the fabulous city of New York, working in one of the best companies in the world. Yet I was miserable, and it wasn’t because of the continued pranks and nasty looks from the Stoogettes. It was because Lucas was completely cut out from my life. Again. But this time, I had brought all this misery on myself.
I plodded on, going to work, spending lunch at the hospital getting my injection, working more, and then going home to binge-watch Netflix and eat a pint of ice cream. I felt like shit. My head and my bones hurt. The nurse at the hospital said that was a side effect of the injections, but as far as I was concerned it was my punishment for being so horrible to Lucas.
On Wednesday, I completed my injection and started my way out of the hospital.
“Torryn?”
I turned to the sound of the woman’s voice. I swallowed hard. “Mrs. Simmons.” I studied her face, looking for clues as to how she felt about me. What had Lucas told her?
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I …ah…” I wanted to lie for the same reason I’d asked Oliver to keep my secret. But I was in the oncology department. I wouldn’t be there if I had a cold.
Her eyes narrowed and finally, in a soft voice, she said, “You’re my donor.”
I nodded.
“Mrs. Simmons, we need to get you back to your room,” the nurse pushing the wheelchair said.
“Come with me, Torryn.”
While a part of me wanted to refuse, a bigger part of me needed to go with her. I didn’t expect it would change things with Lucas, but I had to talk to someone. I nodded again.
In her room, I waited until the nurse helped her back in bed and got her settled before I said anything. She looked weak and pale, and I hoped this procedure wouldn’t be too late.
“Lucas doesn’t know about this?”
“No.”
She quirked a brow. “Any particular reason?”
I sighed and explained what I’d told Oliver.
“So, you weren’t out to break his heart?”
The tears streamed down my cheek and I hated myself for hurting him. “My first response to seeing him after he vanished six years ago was to want to hurt him back.”
She nodded as if she understood. “I suppose that’s a normal response. But most people don’t follow through.”
“This isn’t a good excuse, but when he disappeared six years ago, I was devastated. At first, I thought something happened to him, but then I was told he just left. Went off to seek his fortune. No explanations. No goodbye. I’d planned my entire future around him. I’d totally believed he loved me and wanted the same.”
“He did.”
I shook my head. “I know that now. But you have to remember, one day he and I were planning college, our careers, our lives together and the next, he was gone and I was told it was because he wanted to go.”
She gave me a sympathetic half-smile.
“I thought I’d moved on, but when I saw him, happy, successful, rich, I knew he’d simply left because he wanted this life and not me.”
“Except he didn’t.”
I blew out a breath. “I didn’t know that. All I knew was he abandoned me and all that anger and hurt welled up.” I shook my head. “The plan hatched and yes when he first asked me out, I said yes because I wanted to get back at him.”
His mother shook her head, and her disappointment in me pierced me in the gut.
“But I knew fairly quickly that I didn’t want to follow through. In fact, I decided to stay away from him.”
“To hurt him that way?”
�
��No. No. I wanted to stay away because I knew I’d fall for him again, but I still didn’t know what happened and I was afraid to love him again.”
She reached out her hand, and for the first time, I felt like I might be able to heal a little part of myself. I took her hand like a lifeline for my drowning life.
“But even that didn’t work. And then he told me what happened, and everything since then was true and real.”
“Do you love him?”
My heart swelled even as it felt crushed in my chest. “Yes. I love him even more than I did when I was eighteen.”
“Then you need to tell him.”
I sagged back. “I would but he’s avoiding me. Not that I blame him. He’s got more important things to worry about than me. And I can’t imagine being able makeup for the pain I’ve made him feel.”
“Telling him you’re the donor would be a good way to get his attention.”
I was shaking my head before she finished the sentence. “I don’t want him to feel indebted. If he’s going to forgive me, it needs to be because he believes me and trusts me.”
“Just like you did for him.”
The situations weren’t quite the same. He hadn’t wanted to hurt me when he left, whereas I’d started out with the goal of breaking him. “Please don’t tell him.”
“Honey, more than anything…more than my own life, I want Lucas to be happy. Despite your poor actions, I think he can be happy with you.”
My heart sank as I realized she wasn’t going to keep my secret. “If you tell him, and it somehow works out, none of us will really know if it’s because he loves me, or if he’s just grateful that I helped you.”
She stared at me for a long moment. “Okay. You win. I can see where that would be important.”
“Thank you.”
“But you need to find a way to talk to him.”
I nodded. “Yes. I’ll keep trying.”
“And Torryn?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you.”
Chapter 34
Lucas
The last thing I wanted to do was go back to the office. I didn’t want to see anyone, especially Torryn. But I had to pick up a few things, and I promised Oliver I’d meet with him. I scheduled the meeting for after hours so I could avoid having to deal with Torryn.
