Paradox

by D. L. Line

  “...senseless. That’s what it is, Terri. It’s senseless. She was only forty-seven years old. It just don’t seem right, losing her this way.” Terri wasn’t even sure who was saying that to her. Again. How many times would she have to listen to people tell her that it was senseless?

  “Your momma was always so lovely to everyone.”

  “Your momma always had a fresh cup of coffee for me.”

  “Your momma loved you so much, Terri.”

  Terri fought the urge to run away, far away, screaming her way into the small patch of woods on the south end of the farm. It was her place, her special quiet spot, where she could read a big, thick book about some far-off, wonderful place, populated by characters that always knew the difference between right and wrong. She’d sit for hours, wrapped in her favorite bulky sweater as the leaves swirled and danced around the base of the tree that supported her back and shoulders, barely noticing the damp ground beneath her that usually left a large patch of wet denim stuck securely to her butt. She would lose herself in the book, cheering to herself when the bad guy would screw up and get caught by the good guy. The good guy beat the bad guy, every time, because right is always right and wrong loses every time.

  That’s how it works, right?

  As much as she loved her detective stories, Terri would often slam the book shut in disgust, especially at the end, the part where the doe-eyed ingénue professed her undying love and gratitude to the brave, strong, handsome, and always male detective who had just saved her life. Terri didn’t want to be the ingénue; she wanted to be the detective, had wanted that for as long as she could remember. She hoped that someday the ingénue would look at her that way, puppy-dog eyes brimming with grateful tears, telling her that she was strong and brave and wonderful and all those other positive things that represented the good guy in the story.

  Someday.

  But not today. Today, Terri had to bury her mother. On a glorious fall day, somewhere in the flatlands of central Ohio, a sixteen-year-old girl had to sit outside, next to an open grave in a cold metal folding chair that was covered with some really ugly funeral home fabric. She had to be strong for her daddy, take care of her brother, and bury her mother.

  It just didn’t seem fair.

  All of the pink ribbons in the world couldn’t cushion the blow of the breast cancer that had ravaged her mother’s body. She too, had taken her father’s hand, while her older brother had stood behind, silently, like a statue. Terri had heard her daddy, crying, actually sobbing in the bathroom sometime during the night, but that was gone now.

  “You have to be strong, Terri.”

  “People don’t need to know your trouble, Terri.”

  “Be good to your daddy when I’m gone, Terri. He loves you so much.”

  She had heard her brother, Donnie, stumble in a little while later, slamming the back door to the mudroom, staggering under the effects of what Terri knew to be copious amounts of Jim Beam and Budweiser. She listened downstairs, cringing at the sound, as all of the bourbon and beer made an ugly return visit, forcing Donnie to vomit into the kitchen sink, too drunk and sick to make it upstairs to the bathroom.

  “You have to be strong, Terri.”

  “People don’t need to know your trouble, Terri.”

  “Take care of Donnie when I’m gone, Terri. He’s not strong like you.”

  She had no idea, on that bright fall day, of how her mother’s death would change her and the two men in her family, but it had in many huge ways. Her father had never been the same since that day. Neither had her brother, and she supposed that she hadn’t either, but things do indeed change, and often not for the better.

  Lost in her own memories, Terri hadn’t realized that the funeral was over until she felt a comforting hand at the back of her neck. She didn’t even need to turn around to know that Bobby was behind her.

  “Terri, are you okay?”

  “Yeah,” she said, “I’m fine.” She’d said the words, actually believed them in some part of her brain, but she still couldn’t tear her eyes away from Helen McNally, as the brave widow accepted handshakes and hugs from what Terri could only assume were extended family members.

  It’s all so senseless.

  She leaned into the comfort that Bobby was offering, finally tearing her gaze away from the McNally family to turn and accept a hug from the person who had been her best friend for most of her adult life. In the solid, safe embrace of Bobby’s arms, she finally let go of the tears that she’d been holding on to. He stood silently, rubbing small circles on her back until the flood of emotion seemed to run itself out and Terri could finally speak.

  “It’s just so stupid.”

  “Yeah, Terri, it’s just about the most stupid thing I can imagine. But it could have been a whole lot worse, you know? I can’t help but think how close we came to losing you this time. You’ve got to stop with the close call thing. I can’t take it anymore.”

  “I know, Bobby, and that’s why I’m taking an extended leave.” She looked up and noted the expression on Bobby’s face. Relief, perhaps, but not an ounce of surprise.

  “I think that’s a great idea. What are you going to do?”

  “I’m not really sure, Bobby. I’m going to take a long nap when I get home, and then I’m going to call the therapist at the Bureau and see if I can really fix things this time. No more saying the right things just to try to shortcut my way out of trouble. I’m serious this time. I’m going to fix things for myself or maybe I’ll find out that this is something that I can’t fix, and move on. I just don’t know right now.”

  “Well, sweetie, you know my number, and you know that I’ll always be there for anything you need. Hell, maybe you’ll be back to full form in a couple of months and we can get back to business as usual. That would be great.”

  Terri looked out across the perfectly aligned rows of grave markers at the cemetery, trying to focus her gaze anywhere other than back toward Helen McNally. She took one long breath, blew it out, and answered, “Yeah, Bobby, it sure would. But I tend to think that business as usual isn’t what it used to be.”

  “No, it definitely isn’t, but I wouldn’t change a thing.”

  Terri could hardly believe her ears. “You wouldn’t?”

  “No, Terri, I wouldn’t. You’ve found someone incredibly special and I can only hope to meet someone someday who looks at me the way she looks at you. You’re amazingly lucky that you found her, and no job in the world is worth losing that kind of happiness. And you know, if I lose you as a partner because of it, well then so be it. I know, deep down, that I’ll never lose you as a friend, and that’s the most important thing.”

  Terri snuggled back into Bobby’s arms, failing at another attempt to keep the tears at bay. “You really are too good to be true, Agent Kraft.”

  “Well, maybe, but you’re right up there too, Agent McKinnon.” Bobby offered one last squeeze, releasing the embrace to take Terri by the shoulders. “So before things get way too mushy for me, I need to get back to the office. Besides, there’s someone else here that I think you need to go talk to.” Bobby gently urged Terri to turn around. She immediately spotted Jen, standing off to the side, car keys in one hand, looking a little uncomfortable as she shifted her weight from foot to foot. Terri reached behind, offering Bobby one last squeeze of her hand before he turned to leave.

  Terri crossed the space between the rows of markers quickly to get to Jen and wrapped her arms around her. With that simple embrace, Terri came to the full realization that Bobby had been right about all of it. She was the luckiest person on the planet and it was all thanks to Jen. She had a million things that she wanted to say, but none of them wanted to fully form themselves into words, so Terri let it all go to enjoy the feeling of Jen’s arms around her. Jen broke the comfortable silence with a question.

  “I know you really wanted me to go to my meeting today, but I just couldn’t. Is everything all right with you?”

  Terri smiled into Jen�
�s neck, not wanting to let go. “Yeah, sweetie, I think it is. Especially now that you’re here. That was a nice surprise.”

  “Yeah, well, I hoped it would be. You can be a little stubborn, you know, so I called Bobby while you were in the shower this morning and worked it out. He thought it was a good idea too. That way, you could get all the low down from him on the way out here, and I could take you home.”

  “Why is it, for someone who thinks that she’s such a spaz, that you always know the right thing to say or do?”

  “Well, I don’t really know.” Jen waved off the question. “Just some kind of emotional idiot savant thing that I do, I suppose. So, how did Bobby take the news?”

  “He thought it was a good idea.” Terri took Jen by the hand to lead her out of the cemetery and back to the car. “He hopes that I can fix everything up and get back to work, but I think he’ll be okay if I don’t.”

  “Of course he’ll be okay, baby. He only wants you to be happy.”

  “Yeah, Jen, I know that. I only want that for him too.”

  “Baby, you know something? You don’t always have to be strong for everyone else.” Jen looked up, puppy-dog eyes brimming with loving tears. “You’re strong and brave and wonderful, but now’s the time to take care of Terri. She really deserves that, you know?”

  “Yeah, but that’s hard for me. I guess I need to put that on the list of things to work on.” Jen placed a protective arm around Terri’s shoulders, urging her again to start walking toward the car. A small thought began to form in the back of Terri’s mind, offering her a bit of insight to her own problems. “You know, Jen, I think I figured out something this morning.”

  “What’s that, baby?”

  “First, I really hate funerals, but I learned something. This job, this thing that I do...” Terri hesitated, finally finding the words to explain exactly what she was feeling, “... this thing that I am requires that I leave the house every day, never knowing if today’s the day that I don’t get to come home.” She felt Jen shudder under her hand. “I was okay with that. Part of the gig, you know? But that’s all changed now. I stood there this morning, with all that stuff...” Terri hesitated, waving her hand in the air to emphasize her point. “...the expensive casket, the bugler, the twenty-one-gun salute, everyone from the office, all of it. With all of that going on, I still couldn’t take my eyes off Helen McNally.”

  “What do you mean, baby?”

  “I mean that I think my problem is fairly simple. As long as I was alone, death seemed easy. Bobby would miss me, but he’d go on. My dad hasn’t said more than six sentences to me, hell, to anyone since Mom died, and Donnie... well, Donnie’s a mess and I don’t think that all of the AA meetings and Serenity Prayers in the world are going to help him. But now...”

  “But now what?”

  “But now, I have you to think about. I can handle the idea of me winding up in the box, but I can’t... no, I won’t put you in that chair. I’ve been there, and it just hurts too damn much. Jen, you deserve so much more than to be the brave Widow Rosenberg. You deserve to be happy and loved and I want to be there for you for as long as possible.”

  Jen stopped walking when they reached her 4Runner. Terri turned to lean against the fender of the car, felt Jen’s small hands grab the front of her black jacket and pull her close. “You know something else, Agent McKinnon? You’re an amazing person, and just about the time I decide that I couldn’t possibly love you any more, you say or do something that shows me that I’m wrong.”

  “Did I just do that?”

  “Yeah, you big doofus, you did. Baby, I fell in love with a cop, and I understand what that means. I try not to think about it too much, because there’s nothing I can do about it, but I’ve always understood that what you do for a living is dangerous. I was willing to take that leap because I love you. If I do wind up in that chair someday, well, then I do, but I’ll be okay because I got to love you and make you happy too. It’s not like I’d get all psycho-crazy and try to blow up the world or something equally stupid.”

  “Well, yeah, that would be kind of stupid.”

  “Yes, it would, but right now I’m scared that you’ll go out there and get yourself killed because you’re worrying about me, and I can’t have that any more than you can handle the idea of putting me in that chair. So we’ll fix this and we’ll do it together. Sound like a plan?”

  “Sweetie, that sounds like a great idea. Then maybe I can go be a cop again and—”

  “Terri, you know I love you, but you need to understand that I’ll still love you even if you find out that you can’t be a cop anymore. I didn’t fall in love with a cop. I fell in love with you.”

  Terri fell in love all over again. Words left her as she reached up, taking Jen’s hands in her own and leaned in, offering her a tentative, gentle kiss. Jen’s soft voice in her ear told Terri that everything would indeed be okay. “But you’ll still wear the cargo pants for me, won’t you?”

  Terri threw her head back and laughed. “You know something, Jen. You never disappoint me.” Terri released Jen and backed away to climb into the passenger seat of the green 4Runner. Watching out the windshield as Jen crossed in front of the car to hop into the driver’s seat, Terri realized that she was indeed the luckiest woman on the planet. After Jen buckled her seat belt, Terri slipped her sunglasses back on and watched as a small hand reached across the space between the seats, touching Terri lightly on the thigh. Jen turned to her and asked, “So now what do we do, Agent McKinnon?”

  The answer was so simple and so right.

  “Take me home, Dr. Rosenberg.”

  THE END

  About the Author

  D.L. Line has been many things at different times in her life: a musician, a pharmacy technician, a bartender, a student, a restaurant owner, a marching band director, and a dog sitter to name a few. Through it all, she has always been a storyteller.

  D.L. lives in Ohio with her family, including Snickers the Wonderdog.

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