by Mark Twain
thing is now plain: one of these men hasbeen eavesdropping under the other one's bed, and filching familysecrets. If it is not unparliamentary to suggest it, I will remark thatboth are equal to it. [The Chair. "Order! order!"] I withdraw theremark, sir, and will confine myself to suggesting that _if_ one of themhas overheard the other reveal the test-remark to his wife, we shallcatch him now."
A Voice. "How?"
The Tanner. "Easily. The two have not quoted the remark in exactly thesame words. You would have noticed that, if there hadn't been aconsiderable stretch of time and an exciting quarrel inserted between thetwo readings."
A Voice. "Name the difference."
The Tanner. "The word _very_ is in Billson's note, and not in theother."
Many Voices. "That's so--he's right!"
The Tanner. "And so, if the Chair will examine the test-remark in thesack, we shall know which of these two frauds--[The Chair."Order!"]--which of these two adventurers--[The Chair. "Order!order!"]--which of these two gentlemen--[laughter and applause]--isentitled to wear the belt as being the first dishonest blatherskite everbred in this town--which he has dishonoured, and which will be a sultryplace for him from now out!" [Vigorous applause.]
Many Voices. "Open it!--open the sack!"
Mr. Burgess made a slit in the sack, slid his hand in, and brought out anenvelope. In it were a couple of folded notes. He said:
"One of these is marked, 'Not to be examined until all writtencommunications which have been addressed to the Chair--if any--shall havebeen read.' The other is marked '_The Test_.' Allow me. It isworded--to wit:
"'I do not require that the first half of the remark which was made to meby my benefactor shall be quoted with exactness, for it was not striking,and could be forgotten; but its closing fifteen words are quite striking,and I think easily rememberable; unless _these_ shall be accuratelyreproduced, let the applicant be regarded as an impostor. My benefactorbegan by saying he seldom gave advice to anyone, but that it always borethe hall-mark of high value when he did give it. Then he said this--andit has never faded from my memory: '_You are far from being a badman_--''"
Fifty Voices. "That settles it--the money's Wilson's! Wilson! Wilson!Speech! Speech!"
People jumped up and crowded around Wilson, wringing his hand andcongratulating fervently--meantime the Chair was hammering with the gaveland shouting:
"Order, gentlemen! Order! Order! Let me finish reading, please." Whenquiet was restored, the reading was resumed--as follows:
"'_Go, and reform--or, mark my words--some day, for your sins you willdie and go to hell or Hadleyburg_--TRY AND MAKE IT THE FORMER.'"
A ghastly silence followed. First an angry cloud began to settle darklyupon the faces of the citizenship; after a pause the cloud began to rise,and a tickled expression tried to take its place; tried so hard that itwas only kept under with great and painful difficulty; the reporters, theBrixtonites, and other strangers bent their heads down and shielded theirfaces with their hands, and managed to hold in by main strength andheroic courtesy. At this most inopportune time burst upon the stillnessthe roar of a solitary voice--Jack Halliday's:
"_That's_ got the hall-mark on it!"
Then the house let go, strangers and all. Even Mr. Burgess's gravitybroke down presently, then the audience considered itself officiallyabsolved from all restraint, and it made the most of its privilege. Itwas a good long laugh, and a tempestuously wholehearted one, but itceased at last--long enough for Mr. Burgess to try to resume, and for thepeople to get their eyes partially wiped; then it broke out again, andafterward yet again; then at last Burgess was able to get out theseserious words:
"It is useless to try to disguise the fact--we find ourselves in thepresence of a matter of grave import. It involves the honour of yourtown--it strikes at the town's good name. The difference of a singleword between the test-remarks offered by Mr. Wilson and Mr. Billson wasitself a serious thing, since it indicated that one or the other of thesegentlemen had committed a theft--"
The two men were sitting limp, nerveless, crushed; but at these wordsboth were electrified into movement, and started to get up.
"Sit down!" said the Chair, sharply, and they obeyed. "That, as I havesaid, was a serious thing. And it was--but for only one of them. Butthe matter has become graver; for the honour of _both_ is now informidable peril. Shall I go even further, and say in inextricableperil? _Both_ left out the crucial fifteen words." He paused. Duringseveral moments he allowed the pervading stillness to gather and deepenits impressive effects, then added: "There would seem to be but one waywhereby this could happen. I ask these gentlemen--Was there_collusion_?--_agreement_?"
A low murmur sifted through the house; its import was, "He's got themboth."
Billson was not used to emergencies; he sat in a helpless collapse. ButWilson was a lawyer. He struggled to his feet, pale and worried, andsaid:
"I ask the indulgence of the house while I explain this most painfulmatter. I am sorry to say what I am about to say, since it must inflictirreparable injury upon Mr. Billson, whom I have always esteemed andrespected until now, and in whose invulnerability to temptation Ientirely believed--as did you all. But for the preservation of my ownhonour I must speak--and with frankness. I confess with shame--and I nowbeseech your pardon for it--that I said to the ruined stranger all of thewords contained in the test-remark, including the disparaging fifteen.[Sensation.] When the late publication was made I recalled them, and Iresolved to claim the sack of coin, for by every right I was entitled toit. Now I will ask you to consider this point, and weigh it well; thatstranger's gratitude to me that night knew no bounds; he said himselfthat he could find no words for it that were adequate, and that if heshould ever be able he would repay me a thousandfold. Now, then, I askyou this; could I expect--could I believe--could I even remotelyimagine--that, feeling as he did, he would do so ungrateful a thing as toadd those quite unnecessary fifteen words to his test?--set a trap forme?--expose me as a slanderer of my own town before my own peopleassembled in a public hall? It was preposterous; it was impossible. Histest would contain only the kindly opening clause of my remark. Of thatI had no shadow of doubt. You would have thought as I did. You wouldnot have expected a base betrayal from one whom you had befriended andagainst whom you had committed no offence. And so with perfectconfidence, perfect trust, I wrote on a piece of paper the openingwords--ending with "Go, and reform,"--and signed it. When I was about toput it in an envelope I was called into my back office, and withoutthinking I left the paper lying open on my desk." He stopped, turned hishead slowly toward Billson, waited a moment, then added: "I ask you tonote this; when I returned, a little latter, Mr. Billson was retiring bymy street door." [Sensation.]
In a moment Billson was on his feet and shouting:
"It's a lie! It's an infamous lie!"
The Chair. "Be seated, sir! Mr. Wilson has the floor."
Billson's friends pulled him into his seat and quieted him, and Wilsonwent on:
"Those are the simple facts. My note was now lying in a different placeon the table from where I had left it. I noticed that, but attached noimportance to it, thinking a draught had blown it there. That Mr.Billson would read a private paper was a thing which could not occur tome; he was an honourable man, and he would be above that. If you willallow me to say it, I think his extra word '_very_' stands explained: itis attributable to a defect of memory. I was the only man in the worldwho could furnish here any detail of the test-mark--by _honourable_means. I have finished."
There is nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle themental apparatus and upset the convictions and debauch the emotions of anaudience not practised in the tricks and delusions of oratory. Wilsonsat down victorious. The house submerged him in tides of approvingapplause; friends swarmed to him and shook him by the hand andcongratulated him, and Billson was shouted down and not allowed to say aword. The Chair hammered and hammered with its gavel, and kept shout
ing:
"But let us proceed, gentlemen, let us proceed!"
At last there was a measurable degree of quiet, and the hatter said:
"But what is there to proceed with, sir, but to deliver the money?"
Voices. "That's it! That's it! Come forward, Wilson!"
The Hatter. "I move three cheers for Mr. Wilson, Symbol of the specialvirtue which--"
The cheers burst forth before he could finish; and in the midst ofthem--and in the midst of the clamour of the gavel also--some enthusiastsmounted Wilson on a big friend's shoulder and were going to fetch him intriumph to the platform. The Chair's voice now rose above the noise:
"Order! To your places! You forget that there is still a document to beread." When quiet had been restored he took up the document, and wasgoing to read it, but laid it down again saying "I forgot; this is not tobe read until all written communications received by me have first beenread." He took an envelope out of his pocket, removed its enclosure,glanced at it--seemed astonished--held it out and gazed at it--stared atit.
Twenty or thirty voices cried out
"What is it? Read it! read it!"
And he did--slowly, and wondering:
"'The remark which I made to the stranger--[Voices. "Hello! how'sthis?"]--was this: 'You are far from being a bad man. [Voices. "GreatScott!"] Go, and reform.'" [Voice. "Oh, saw my leg off!"] Signed byMr. Pinkerton the banker."
The pandemonium of delight which turned itself loose now was of a sort tomake the judicious weep. Those whose withers were unwrung laughed tillthe tears ran down; the reporters, in throes of laughter, set downdisordered pot-hooks which would never in the world be decipherable; anda sleeping dog jumped up scared out of its wits, and barked itself crazyat the turmoil. All manner of cries were scattered through the din:"We're getting rich--_two_ Symbols of Incorruptibility!--without countingBillson!" "_Three_!--count Shadbelly in--we can't have too many!" "Allright--Billson's elected!" "Alas, poor Wilson! victim of _two_ thieves!"
A Powerful Voice. "Silence! The Chair's fished up something more out ofits pocket."
Voices. "Hurrah! Is it something fresh? Read it! read! read!"
The Chair [reading]. "'The remark which I made,' etc. 'You are far frombeing a bad man. Go,' etc. Signed, 'Gregory Yates.'"
Tornado of Voices. "Four Symbols!" "'Rah for Yates!" "Fish again!"
The house was in a roaring humour now, and ready to get all the fun outof the occasion that might be in it. Several Nineteeners, looking paleand distressed, got up and began to work their way towards the aisles,but a score of shouts went up:
"The doors, the doors--close the doors; no Incorruptible shall leave thisplace! Sit down, everybody!" The mandate was obeyed.
"Fish again! Read! read!"
The Chair fished again, and once more the familiar words began to fallfrom its lips--"'You are far from being a bad man--'"
"Name! name! What's his name?"
"'L. Ingoldsby Sargent.'"
"Five elected! Pile up the Symbols! Go on, go on!"
"'You are far from being a bad--'"
"Name! name!"
"'Nicholas Whitworth.'"
"Hooray! hooray! it's a symbolical day!"
Somebody wailed in, and began to sing this rhyme (leaving out "it's") tothe lovely "Mikado" tune of "When a man's afraid of a beautiful maid;"the audience joined in, with joy; then, just in time, somebodycontributed another line--
"And don't you this forget--"
The house roared it out. A third line was at once furnished--
"Corruptibles far from Hadleyburg are--"
The house roared that one too. As the last note died, Jack Halliday'svoice rose high and clear, freighted with a final line--
"But the Symbols are here, you bet!"
That was sung, with booming enthusiasm. Then the happy house started inat the beginning and sang the four lines through twice, with immenseswing and dash, and finished up with a crashing three-times-three and atiger for "Hadleyburg the Incorruptible and all Symbols of it which weshall find worthy to receive the hall-mark to-night."
Then the shoutings at the Chair began again, all over the place:
"Go on! go on! Read! read some more! Read all you've got!"
"That's it--go on! We are winning eternal celebrity!"
A dozen men got up now and began to protest. They said that this farcewas the work of some abandoned joker, and was an insult to the wholecommunity. Without a doubt these signatures were all forgeries--
"Sit down! sit down! Shut up! You are confessing. We'll find yournames in the lot."
"Mr. Chairman, how many of those envelopes have you got?"
The Chair counted.
"Together with those that have been already examined, there arenineteen."
A storm of derisive applause broke out.
"Perhaps they all contain the secret. I move that you open them all andread every signature that is attached to a note of that sort--and readalso the first eight words of the note."
"Second the motion!"
It was put and carried--uproariously. Then poor old Richards got up, andhis wife rose and stood at his side. Her head was bent down, so thatnone might see that she was crying. Her husband gave her his arm, and sosupporting her, he began to speak in a quavering voice:
"My friends, you have known us two--Mary and me--all our lives, and Ithink you have liked us and respected us--"
The Chair interrupted him:
"Allow me. It is quite true--that which you are saying, Mr. Richards;this town _does_ know you two; it _does_ like you; it _does_ respect you;more--it honours you and _loves_ you--"
Halliday's voice rang out:
"That's the hall-marked truth, too! If the Chair is right, let the housespeak up and say it. Rise! Now, then--hip! hip! hip!--all together!"
The house rose in mass, faced toward the old couple eagerly, filled theair with a snow-storm of waving handkerchiefs, and delivered the cheerswith all its affectionate heart.
The Chair then continued:
"What I was going to say is this: We know your good heart, Mr. Richards,but this is not a time for the exercise of charity toward offenders.[Shouts of "Right! right!"] I see your generous purpose in your face,but I cannot allow you to plead for these men--"
"But I was going to--"
"Please take your seat, Mr. Richards. We must examine the rest of thesenotes--simple fairness to the men who have already been exposed requiresthis. As soon as that has been done--I give you my word for this--youshall he heard."
Many voices. "Right!--the Chair is right--no interruption can bepermitted at this stage! Go on!--the names! the names!--according to theterms of the motion!"
The old couple sat reluctantly down, and the husband whispered to thewife, "It is pitifully hard to have to wait; the shame will be greaterthan ever when they find we were only going to plead for _ourselves_."
Straightway the jollity broke loose again with the reading of the names.
"'You are far from being a bad man--' Signature, 'Robert J. Titmarsh.'"
'"You are far from being a bad man--' Signature, 'Eliphalet Weeks.'"
"'You are far from being a bad man--' Signature, 'Oscar B. Wilder.'"
At this point the house lit upon the idea of taking the eight words outof the Chairman's hands. He was not unthankful for that. Thenceforwardhe held up each note in its turn and waited. The house droned out theeight words in a massed and measured and musical deep volume of sound(with a daringly close resemblance to a well-known church chant)--"Youare f-a-r from being a b-a-a-a-d man." Then the Chair said, "Signature,'Archibald Wilcox.'" And so on, and so on, name after name, andeverybody had an increasingly and gloriously good time except thewretched Nineteen. Now and then, when a particularly shining name wascalled, the house made the Chair wait while it chanted the whole of thetest-remark from the beginning to the closing words, "And go to hell orHadleyburg--try and make it the for-or-m-e-r
!" and in these special casesthey added a grand and agonised and imposing "A-a-a-a-_men_!"
The list dwindled, dwindled, dwindled, poor old Richards keeping tally ofthe count, wincing when a name resembling his own was pronounced, andwaiting in miserable suspense for the time to come when it would be hishumiliating privilege to rise with Mary and finish his plea, which he wasintending to word thus: ". . . for until now we have never done any wrongthing, but have gone our humble way unreproached. We are very poor, weare old, and, have no chick nor child to help us; we were sorely tempted,and we fell. It was my purpose when I got up before to make confessionand beg that my name might not be read out in this public place, for itseemed to us that we could not bear it; but I was prevented. It wasjust; it was our place to suffer with the rest. It has been hard for us.It is the first time we have ever heard our name fall from any one'slips--sullied. Be merciful--for the sake or the better days; make ourshame as light to bear as in your charity you can." At this point in hisreverie Mary nudged him, perceiving that his mind was absent. The housewas chanting, "You are f-a-r," etc.
"Be
