by Mark Twain
ready," Mary whispered. "Your name comes now; he has read eighteen."
The chant ended.
"Next! next! next!" came volleying from all over the house.
Burgess put his hand into his pocket. The old couple, trembling, beganto rise. Burgess fumbled a moment, then said:
"I find I have read them all."
Faint with joy and surprise, the couple sank into their seats, and Marywhispered:
"Oh, bless God, we are saved!--he has lost ours--I wouldn't give this fora hundred of those sacks!"
The house burst out with its "Mikado" travesty, and sang it three timeswith ever-increasing enthusiasm, rising to its feet when it reached forthe third time the closing line--
"But the Symbols are here, you bet!"
and finishing up with cheers and a tiger for "Hadleyburg purity and oureighteen immortal representatives of it."
Then Wingate, the saddler, got up and proposed cheers "for the cleanestman in town, the one solitary important citizen in it who didn't try tosteal that money--Edward Richards."
They were given with great and moving heartiness; then somebody proposedthat "Richards be elected sole Guardian and Symbol of the now SacredHadleyburg Tradition, with power and right to stand up and look the wholesarcastic world in the face."
Passed, by acclamation; then they sang the "Mikado" again, and ended itwith--
"And there's _one_ Symbol left, you bet!"
There was a pause; then--
A Voice. "Now, then, who's to get the sack?"
The Tanner (with bitter sarcasm). "That's easy. The money has to bedivided among the eighteen Incorruptibles. They gave the sufferingstranger twenty dollars apiece--and that remark--each in his turn--ittook twenty-two minutes for the procession to move past. Staked thestranger--total contribution, $360. All they want is just the loanback--and interest--forty thousand dollars altogether."
Many Voices [derisively.] "That's it! Divvy! divvy! Be kind to thepoor--don't keep them waiting!"
The Chair. "Order! I now offer the stranger's remaining document. Itsays: 'If no claimant shall appear [grand chorus of groans], I desirethat you open the sack and count out the money to the principal citizensof your town, they to take it in trust [Cries of "Oh! Oh! Oh!"], and useit in such ways as to them shall seem best for the propagation andpreservation of your community's noble reputation for incorruptiblehonesty [more cries]--a reputation to which their names and their effortswill add a new and far-reaching lustre." [Enthusiastic outburst ofsarcastic applause.] That seems to be all. No--here is a postscript:
"'P.S.--CITIZENS OF HADLEYBURG: There _is_ no test-remark--nobody madeone. [Great sensation.] There wasn't any pauper stranger, nor anytwenty-dollar contribution, nor any accompanying benediction andcompliment--these are all inventions. [General buzz and hum ofastonishment and delight.] Allow me to tell my story--it will take but aword or two. I passed through your town at a certain time, and receiveda deep offence which I had not earned. Any other man would have beencontent to kill one or two of you and call it square, but to me thatwould have been a trivial revenge, and inadequate; for the dead do not_suffer_. Besides I could not kill you all--and, anyway, made as I am,even that would not have satisfied me. I wanted to damage every man inthe place, and every woman--and not in their bodies or in their estate,but in their vanity--the place where feeble and foolish people are mostvulnerable. So I disguised myself and came back and studied you. Youwere easy game. You had an old and lofty reputation for honesty, andnaturally you were proud of it--it was your treasure of treasures, thevery apple of your eye. As soon as I found out that you carefully andvigilantly kept yourselves and your children _out of temptation_, I knewhow to proceed. Why, you simple creatures, the weakest of all weakthings is a virtue which has not been tested in the fire. I laid a plan,and gathered a list of names. My project was to corrupt Hadleyburg theIncorruptible. My idea was to make liars and thieves of nearly half ahundred smirchless men and women who had never in their lives uttered alie or stolen a penny. I was afraid of Goodson. He was neither born norreared in Hadleyburg. I was afraid that if I started to operate myscheme by getting my letter laid before you, you would say to yourselves,'Goodson is the only man among us who would give away twenty dollars to apoor devil'--and then you might not bite at my bait. But heaven tookGoodson; then I knew I was safe, and I set my trap and baited it. It maybe that I shall not catch all the men to whom I mailed the pretended test-secret, but I shall catch the most of them, if I know Hadleyburg nature.[Voices. "Right--he got every last one of them."] I believe they willeven steal ostensible _gamble_-money, rather than miss, poor, tempted,and mistrained fellows. I am hoping to eternally and everlastinglysquelch your vanity and give Hadleyburg a new renown--one that will_stick_--and spread far. If I have succeeded, open the sack and summonthe Committee on Propagation and Preservation of the HadleyburgReputation.'"
A Cyclone of Voices. "Open it! Open it! The Eighteen to the front!Committee on Propagation of the Tradition! Forward--the Incorruptibles!"
The Chair ripped the sack wide, and gathered up a handful of bright,broad, yellow coins, shook them together, then examined them.
"Friends, they are only gilded disks of lead!"
There was a crashing outbreak of delight over this news, and when thenoise had subsided, the tanner called out:
"By right of apparent seniority in this business, Mr. Wilson is Chairmanof the Committee on Propagation of the Tradition. I suggest that he stepforward on behalf of his pals, and receive in trust the money."
A Hundred Voices. "Wilson! Wilson! Wilson! Speech! Speech!"
Wilson [in a voice trembling with anger]. "You will allow me to say, andwithout apologies for my language, _damn_ the money!"
A Voice. "Oh, and him a Baptist!"
A Voice. "Seventeen Symbols left! Step up, gentlemen, and assume yourtrust!"
There was a pause--no response.
The Saddler. "Mr. Chairman, we've got _one_ clean man left, anyway, outof the late aristocracy; and he needs money, and deserves it. I movethat you appoint Jack Halliday to get up there and auction off that sackof gilt twenty-dollar pieces, and give the result to the right man--theman whom Hadleyburg delights to honour--Edward Richards."
This was received with great enthusiasm, the dog taking a hand again; thesaddler started the bids at a dollar, the Brixton folk and Barnum'srepresentative fought hard for it, the people cheered every jump that thebids made, the excitement climbed moment by moment higher and higher, thebidders got on their mettle and grew steadily more and more daring, moreand more determined, the jumps went from a dollar up to five, then toten, then to twenty, then fifty, then to a hundred, then--
At the beginning of the auction Richards whispered in distress to hiswife: "Oh, Mary, can we allow it? It--it--you see, it is anhonour--reward, a testimonial to purity of character, and--and--can weallow it? Hadn't I better get up and--Oh, Mary, what ought we todo?--what do you think we--" [Halliday's voice. "Fifteen I'mbid!--fifteen for the sack!--twenty!--ah, thanks!--thirty--thanks again!Thirty, thirty, thirty!--do I hear forty?--forty it is! Keep the ballrolling, gentlemen, keep it rolling!--fifty!--thanks, noble Roman!--goingat fifty, fifty, fifty!--seventy!--ninety!--splendid!--a hundred!--pileit up, pile it up!--hundred and twenty--forty!--just in time!--hundredand fifty!--Two hundred!--superb! Do I hear two h--thanks!--two hundredand fifty!--"]
"It is another temptation, Edward--I'm all in a tremble--but, oh, we'veescaped one temptation, and that ought to warn us, to--["Six did Ihear?--thanks!--six fifty, six f--SEVEN hundred!"] And yet, Edward, whenyou think--nobody susp--["Eight hundred dollars!--hurrah!--make itnine!--Mr. Parsons, did I hear you say--thanks!--nine!--this noble sackof virgin lead going at only nine hundred dollars, gilding and all--come!do I hear--a thousand!--gratefully yours!--did some one say eleven?--asack which is going to be the most celebrated in the whole Uni--"] "Oh,Edward" (beginning to sob), "we are so poor!--but--but--do as you thinkbest--do as you th
ink best."
Edward fell--that is, he sat still; sat with a conscience which was notsatisfied, but which was overpowered by circumstances.
Meantime a stranger, who looked like an amateur detective gotten up as animpossible English earl, had been watching the evening's proceedings withmanifest interest, and with a contented expression in his face; and hehad been privately commenting to himself. He was now soliloquisingsomewhat like this: "None of the Eighteen are bidding; that is notsatisfactory; I must change that--the dramatic unities require it; theymust buy the sack they tried to steal; they must pay a heavy price,too--some of them are rich. And another thing, when I make a mistake inHadleyburg nature the man
