Mismatched Under the Mistletoe

by Michaels, Jess

  “Might I join you, Lady Rutledge?”

  Emily started. Over and over again she lost herself staring at a man she’d considered a friend and declared a temporary lover. It was unseemly and she had to force a smile for Lady Hickson as she glided off the ice and awkwardly walked on her skates to stand on the bridge beside Emily.

  “You are quite good, Virginia,” Emily said. “I saw you doing pirouettes that would have put anyone to shame.”

  “I’ve always enjoyed skating,” Virginia said. “My father has a lake on his country estate and he would drag me out there all winter long every year while he…well, he had things to entertain him there. And I would skate and skate and skate forever.”

  There was something troubled in Virginia’s tone, and while Emily considered them friendly acquaintances, she didn’t know the woman well enough to pry. Nor did Virginia seem open to sharing more.

  They both turned their attention to the ice again, and Emily smiled as Cav glided around. Her smile fell when Lady Abigail approached him. She, unlike Virginia, was not an expert on skates, and Cav caught her as she slid and slipped. They were both laughing. A twinge of jealousy she ought not feel made Emily grip the wooden edge of the bridge harder.

  “You and Cavendish seem close as ever,” Virginia said softly.

  Emily jerked her face toward her and saw Virginia was watching her watch Cav. She blushed and wished she hadn’t. “He’s an old friend,” she said.

  Virginia nodded slowly. “That is always the best match, it seems.”

  Emily winced. Here she had been operating under the assumption it was rakes and wallflowers that were the best match. Now she wasn’t certain she understood anything when it came to attraction or desire or love. Her entire world had been turned on its head, after all.

  She let out a long breath. Behind the crowd, two of the swans had moved to the shore. They were wandering together, close to each other’s sides. From the angle she and Virginia were standing, they almost looked like their wings were clasped, even though that wasn’t possible.

  “Swans mate for life, you know,” she mused softly.

  For a long beat, Virginia didn’t answer. But finally she said, “Sometimes.”

  Emily wrinkled her brow. “What do you mean?”

  “My father was obsessed with ornithology, along with a great many other things. And apparently there are cases of swan separation. Even divorce.”

  Emily couldn’t help but laugh at the idea of a bird divorce. “Scandalous!”

  Virginia giggled along with her. “And there’s also—”

  She cut herself off with a blush and her expression made Emily’s stomach sink. “Also what?” she pressed.

  Virginia shook her head. “You’ve been a kind hostess and I would not wish to offend you.”

  “How would the topic of swan husbandry offend me?” Emily asked.

  “Because you and I had very different circumstances in our marriage,” Virginia said. “It is well known you and Rutledge were a love match. So certain topics may be more painful for you.”

  Emily shifted slightly. “What is the other reason you have for swans not mating for life?”

  Virginia faced her straight on. “Widowed swans often go on to make new matches.”

  Emily found herself glancing out at Cav again. He was still with Lady Abigail and they were talking away from the rest of the group. She was very pretty. Emily didn’t want to care about that. She didn’t want to care at all.

  “I hope that will be true for you,” she forced herself to say.

  Virginia watched her closely for a moment and then nodded. “Perhaps.” She turned aside and watched the crowd again. “Either way, I suppose Cavendish will certainly marry soon.”

  Emily swallowed hard. “You—you are the second person to make that statement to me during this party. I wonder where the rumors are originating from.”

  “Everywhere,” Virginia said gently. “It is on the lips of nearly every mama or chaperone preparing their soon-to-be-minted Diamonds of the First Water. He is of an age, is he not? And certainly it is expected of him to wed, he has his fortune to protect and his family line.”

  All those things were very true. Emily could find no way to deny them, not that she should. She’d always known Cav would wed, hadn’t she? Even in these last few years when she’d depended so heavily on him, she had thought about who might make him a good bride…hadn’t she?

  She must have. A good friend would do so. She was his good friend. That they’d started an affair had nothing to do with anything.

  “I suppose he’s always enjoyed his bachelorhood so much, it’s hard to picture him settled,” Emily said. Lied. She could very easily picture him reading out a book with someone he loved. Or strolling through a garden patiently scribbling down every note about every flower. Or any of the other dozens of things he’d done with her.

  “You mean his reputation as a rake?” Virginia asked. She glanced off toward Cav and shook her head. “I don’t know. I mean, we’ve all heard the stories. He’s boisterous and playful and sometimes a tiny bit inappropriate. And he’d had his share of widows and actresses, I suppose. But never a mistress. The tales of his conquests have…quieted in the last few years especially.”

  Emily bent her head and stared at her hands, clenched along the bridge top. “He’s been busy, I suppose.”

  “Do you think it’s that or—”

  Emily jolted, for she was certain Virginia was about to point out the connection Emily couldn’t bear to consider at present. To keep that from happening, she straightened up. “It looks as though the others are motioning to us to join them. I need to put on my skates, but you shouldn’t wait for me.”

  Virginia looked at her, and Emily thought there was a modicum of pity in her eyes as she did so. Then she squeezed Emily’s hand gently. “Of course.”

  Emily could say nothing else as Virginia eased her way back on the ice. She forced herself to put her back to the others as she put on her own skates. This was exactly what she’d feared when she agreed to Cav’s suggestion that they could share pleasure but not endanger their friendship. A reasonable, rational woman would walk away. Would allow him the future he deserved.

  Only she didn’t feel particularly rational or reasonable as she glided onto the ice toward the others. Toward Cav and Abigail, who still had their heads together as they skated. What she was going to do, she had no idea. But certainly, it would be a rational, reasonable response. She could not lose her head. She would not.

  * * *

  Cav wasn’t the best of ice skaters, but he did enjoy it. And compared to some of Emily’s other guests, he was proficient. Even now Lady Abigail, who had staggered into him as she attempted even the simplest movement across the frozen water, clung to his arm, laughing.

  Abigail was a lovely woman, with dark hair and brown eyes. She had a nice smile. In other circumstances, he might have been enchanted by the press of her hand on the crook of his elbow. The sound of her laughter echoing in the winter air.

  Instead, he found himself watching Emily as she stood on the bridge where the stream fed into the lake. She was standing with Lady Hickson and looked very serious as they chatted. He could tell by the way her fingers flexed open and shut on the railing. Always a tell that she was troubled. Because of him? Because of something else?

  “You know, Mr. Cavendish, any other lady might be offended not to have a gentleman’s full attention in a moment like this.”

  He jolted at Lady Abigail’s voice and glanced down to find her watching him with a knowing gaze. “I apologize, my lady,” he said. “I was woolgathering. A foolish endeavor when one is balanced on a sliver of metal. And when in such good company.”

  She smiled. “You needn’t apologize. It is evident you are distracted by Lady Rutledge. As you often are, I have observed.”

  He felt his nostrils flare a fraction and tried to otherwise keep his reaction from his face. “Lady Rutledge and I are friends. I suppose I am so
metimes concerned about her well-being.”

  “Certainly,” Lady Abigail said. “As any good friend would be. There is also the fact you are in love with her.”

  Cav nearly deposited himself on his arse on the ice, he was so taken aback by that statement. Many danced around this subject, trying to pry into something they didn’t understand or couldn’t fathom. But Lady Abigail said those words as if they were nothing, rather than swords to Cav’s heart.

  He cleared his throat. “I—”

  She shrugged. “No need to come up with some retort. I am very well versed in longing, sir. I recognize it when I see it.”

  He shifted his attention back to her. Though she was smiling, he saw the flicker of pain in Lady Abigail’s expression. And like her, he recognized a kindred spirit in heartbreak.

  “I see,” he said.

  “And you needn’t worry. I would not speak of it to anyone else,” she continued.

  He swallowed. There had never been anyone in his life to talk to about his feelings. Andrew had been his closest friend, and there was no way to broach the subject of Cav’s unrequited love for Emily without destroying everything. His grandfather knew, but his grandfather was always about action, not reflection. Hence his statement a few weeks earlier that this might be Cav’s last chance.

  “I suppose,” he said slowly, feeling out how the words fell from his lips. “That my feelings may be deeper.”

  “But she is resistant,” Abigail said softly. “Because of her marriage to your late friend, I assume?”

  He nodded. “Very much so.”

  She let out her breath in a long sigh. “I am sorry, Cavendish.”

  “I appreciate it. Though I have put myself in this situation, haven’t I? By continuing to keep her close. By hoping against hope that one day things may change.”

  “And will they?” Abigail pressed.

  He worried his lip a moment. “I honestly don’t know. I make progress sometimes.” He thought of holding Emily in his arms all night. Of waking her with kisses. Of her smile before she left his bed. But now she wasn’t even looking at him. She pulled so far back that he almost couldn’t see her. “But then…”

  “If you cannot win her, that would make things difficult for you. It would be unfair to your future bride.”

  He bent his head. “I have considered that. Even if I only entered into a marriage of convenience, I do not think any wife would like my friendship with the love of my life. It would hurt her. But the alternative is losing the friendship, which does mean the world to me.”

  Abigail turned toward him, and suddenly her dark eyes were lit up. “What if you picked someone who wouldn’t care that you pined? Who also couldn’t have what they wanted?” As the said the last, she glanced across the ice to where her lady’s companion was standing with Adrian Powell. For a moment, he thought Abigail might like the industrialist, and he could see no reason why she would not be able to pursue her heart.

  Then Powell stepped away, but Abigail’s gaze remained firmly affixed on her companion.

  Cav’s eyes went wide as understanding dawned. “Ah. I see.”

  Abigail narrowed her gaze. “Would that anger you, that your wife was attracted in a different direction? Would you…punish her for her heart?”

  “Never,” he said, and touched her hand. “We cannot choose who we are. Who we love. I know that better than anyone. But are you truly suggesting we could make a marriage of convenience that would never be expected to change?”

  “Yes. A business arrangement. I would even bear your children. We could find a way to make that work. And I would not care if you loved Lady Rutledge until the day you were cold in the grave. I would assume you would feel the same way about me.”

  Cav could scarcely believe this conversation. Abigail did not hesitate, it seemed. And her offer could actually work. He looked at her face again. She seemed very pained and pity flooded him, for he knew that heartbreak all too well.

  “Does she know how you feel?” he asked gently.

  She blinked. “No. She does not share my inclination, so why tell her?”

  He nodded. “I’m sorry.”

  “Would you consider my suggestion? It could serve us both well.” Abigail pressed.

  “I might consider it,” he said. “If I couldn’t be happy with Emily in my future.”

  Relief flooded her features. “Good. Although I tend to think you might have a better chance than I.”

  “Why is that?” he asked, wrinkling his brow.

  She jerked her head toward the area behind him. “Because she’s coming over now—and she looks jealous.”

  He pivoted and watched as Emily jerked and slipped her way across the ice toward him. There was an expression of dark determination on her face as she went, a stormy sea of emotion that almost made him smile.

  “Do you need assistance?” he called out.

  “No, you are helping Lady Abigail,” she answered, and he thought she put the slightest emphasis on her name as Emily’s eyes narrowed. “I will manage. Though I think this is an excellent time to change pairings! Gentlemen, find a lady who you have not yet spent time with and let us all take a turn around the lake.”

  She jerked away. He supposed she was trying to look haughty or in control as she did it. Instead, she nearly flipped herself onto her backside and only barely kept on her feet.

  Abigail laughed and gave him a wink as she skated past him to find a new partner. “Good luck, Mr. Cavendish.”

  “Wait! Lady Abigail?”

  She stopped on unsteady feet and faced him. “Yes?”

  “I am the worst one to give advice on this matter since I obviously have no sense of anything when it comes to the heart. But if your companion doesn’t share your inclination, if you truly have no chance, I hope you won’t give up on the notion entirely. And if we were to come to some arrangement…” He cleared his throat, for this was the most odd and awkward conversation ever to be held on ice or land. “I would hope you would seek out company elsewhere.”

  Her expression softened. “Well, that is a lovely sentiment, sir. I will think of it.”

  She skated off, and Cav pivoted. Emily had also found a partner, but it was one of the chaperones. They were supporting each other while she laughed. But he thought it was strained.

  And the fact that she didn’t like him connecting to another lady gave him more hope than he should dare have. Now to figure out what to do with that.

  Chapter 11

  Cav stepped into his chamber after luncheon had ended, intent on catching up on some of the sleep he had lost the night before as he reveled in holding Emily. But the moment he closed the door, he could see that wasn’t going to happen. Because she was standing at his window and turned to face him as he entered.

  She had changed after skating to another of his favorite frocks, a dark blue silk that turned her eyes to sapphires. She stood with the light framing her, looking like an angel sent to both soothe and torment him.

  She shifted and blushed as he reached back to lock the door behind him and leaned against it. “I wasn’t expecting you, my lady.”

  “Does it follow that I am unwelcome?” she asked, and he heard the tremble in her voice.

  “You are always welcome.” He pushed off the door and came a step closer. “Always.”

  She glanced down at her feet. “I had forgotten how good you were on skates.”

  “You are too, once you got out on the ice,” he said. “How long has it been since we did this last?”

  “Since before Andrew died. Christmas of…was it six years ago?”

  He sucked in a breath as memories bombarded him. “Has it been so long? Was that the year he kept falling on his arse?”

  “Yes.” She giggled, and it lit her face as she finally met his eyes. “He was trying to act like it was on purpose, but we both knew he was just terrible at it.” They were both quiet a moment, and then she cleared his throat. “You were very popular with the ladies today, though.”<
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  He arched a brow. Abigail had made the observation that Emily was jealous and though she kept her tone even, he saw the flicker of emotion in her eyes. The way her hands clenched at her sides even as she pretended to be making small talk.

  “I suppose,” he said with a shrug.

  “Abigail took up your attention for a very long time,” she continued. She’d begun to smooth the front of her gown, little fluttering movements.

  “Oh yes,” he said. “She’s a lovely woman. I hadn’t had the opportunity to spend much time with her over the years, but she is something.” He felt cruel to stoke the fire of Emily’s discomfort, but then again, it might be just what she needed to see the future he saw. To accept the life he wanted to offer to her on a silver platter.

  “She is,” she said. “She is. Looking for a marriage, I think.”

  He thought of Abigail’s offer of a loveless union, of her despair when she looked at her companion. The sting of unrequited love would certainly cement their friendship if they did come to an arrangement.

  “I suppose she is,” he said carefully. “It’s expected of her, I think.”

  “And of you,” Emily said, and there was another tremor to her voice. “Apparently sooner rather than later. And why not? After all, you have a fine future and you’ll certainly want to create a few heirs to carry it on and—”

  He didn’t let her finish. He couldn’t listen to her prattle on about marrying someone else when she was standing there next to his bed, looking so beautiful that he almost had to turn away from her.

  Instead he crossed the room in three long steps and caught her in his arms, dropping his mouth to hers. She opened immediately, wrapping her arms around his neck, clinging there with the same desperation he felt burning inside his chest. At least they shared that, even if she might deny him anything else.

  He’d take this for now, feed from it. Cling to it until he was forced away. Pray it would be enough.