I know your job is confidential and you can’t share with me what it is you do when you go away for weeks and months at a time. With all the security you have in place at home, I assume it’s with technology. God, I hope it’s not anything too terrible.
Jimmy told me that he is a high ranking sniper and recently accepted a new assignment but that’s the extent of what he shared. I’m beginning to realize that the government keeps more secrets than they reveal truths. I kind of expected you to have enough trust in me to share with me what you actually do. It may help me sleep better on the nights when you are away.
Ever since my mother passed, I’ve been struggling with my faith, with life, with finding my purpose and I feel like I need to know that before I can marry you. Some of this you already know because you were with me when I lost my mom and got this way, but I need you to understand how it’s affecting me now.
When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I immediately thought the worst, but I put my brave face on and never shared my concern with her. She was brave and never once asked ‘why me’? I went with her for her initial consultation at Memorial Cancer Center and met with her care team to discuss treatment options, remember?
At one point, during one of our breaks, she asked me what she should do. Should she receive treatment at our local hospital or at Memorial cancer center which was a few hours from home. My eyes instantly filled with tears and I said to her, “I just want you to live. It doesn’t matter to me where you get your treatment. I will be there with you.” The tears spilled from my eyes and they haven’t stopped since. My heart keeps breaking and every time you leave me; it’s a reminder of the love that I lost when she passed and the love that I might lose if you don’t return to me.
Move forward nine months later and she endures what the doctors called a standard protocol surgery because her chemotherapy treatment was successful. They operated on her, but there were complications from surgery. For a month following the procedure, I watched my mother deteriorate before my eyes. She became a shell of a woman, once so vibrant and full of life. A woman who, despite her trials, loved her family deeply. Every possible complication that could happen from the surgery did. Each complication was another hurdle we needed to cross, but she never lost her faith. Her faith was strong, even though her body was not. The day of the surgery she told me that her friend from church stopped by the house because she felt compelled to pray with her. That kind gesture meant the world to my mother. She said that she knew she was in good hands and she wasn’t scared anymore.
I’ll never forget when I received that call to get to the hospital right away because she was being taken to emergency surgery. When the surgery was over, she couldn’t breathe enough air to sustain life so they put her on a ventilator. I sat in her room by myself and cried and prayed.
“Please don’t take her, not today,” I pleaded to God. “I’m not ready to lose her. If you can hear me, please don’t take my mother today,” I must have repeated that prayer a thousand times, if not more, as the tears spilled from eyes. I needed God to hear me. I needed her to be okay. I needed this nightmare to be over. I needed her!
They took her off the vent at 1700 as a test run to see if she was able to breathe on her own and she was. I grabbed her hand and held it in mine. This next part is something that I never shared with you or anyone for that matter because I wasn’t sure of how to digest it myself.
Within minutes of being removed from the ventilator my mom said to me, “you aren’t going to believe who came to see me… Jesus!”
I had gigantic, unstoppable tears rolling down my cheeks as I replied, “ he did? What did he say Ma?”
“He didn’t say anything to me,” she shared. “He was riding something, like a horse, but not as big, maybe a camel. He was wearing a yellow gown of some sort. He stopped and stared at me for a while before he nodded and rode off.”
I felt relief in that moment, but yet, the tears continued. I said to her as I squeezed her hand, “I think he came to check on you and this is his way of telling you that you are not alone and that it’s not your time, Mom.”
And as you know, she passed a few weeks later. I may not have been there when God brought her into this world, but I was blessed to have been there when he called her home.
How does my reliving my mother’s death pertain to us, you might ask? It’s not as much as her death, but the events that led up to it. The faith she had in God, how her friend from church prayed for her before her surgery even though she didn’t know Mom was scheduled for surgery the next day, how I sat in her hospital room and prayed for hours for God not to take her, not today, that I wasn’t ready…only for her to wake up to say that he was there. I’m struggling with that revelation. He found me alone in her hospital room and heard my cries in my darkest hour. I believe he was there to take to her that day but answered my prayer. I can’t help thinking though that what if I prayed harder? Would she still be here with me?
It’s hard to live without her because of how much I loved her, but I love you so much too that I’m scared to live without you. On the outside, I might appear normal, but this fear affects me at a deeper level inside of me. I know I’ve changed but I don’t see my change as a bad thing, I look at it as I’m evolving. I want to evolve into more before I settle down. I need to find my inner-strength again. I need to find myself. We both deserve better versions of ourselves and a better version of me is what I want to give to you.
I’m sure you weren’t expecting such a deep letter, but I want to be honest with you and never keep anything from you, as I hope you are open and honest with me. I’m just sorry it’s taken me so long to express these things with you. I find my struggle selfish because I lost my mother, but you lost both your parents, unexpectedly. Communicating with you should have been my first priority, knowing you already know how it feels to lose a parent. I guess sometimes we run from what scares us the most, and maybe I wasn’t ready then.
You must promise me that you will return safely!
If I am lost, I know that you are the only you can find me.
Love Always,
Jaycee
I wipe the tears from my eyes and take everything I brought out to the lanai, back inside the house. I seal the letter inside an envelope and address it to Jaxon, slip the envelope under the keyboard and go back to bed. I will give it to him in the morning before he leaves.
“Remember the house code to activate the silence alarm is ‘Kitty.’ You can be in any room of the house,” Jaxon explains.
“Yes, dear, I know,” I assure him. “You remind me every time you leave. I also know that the yellow and blue paths lead to the red at the end of the property. And the canvas painting of us in your office is the secret tunnel to the red path. I know where all the bunkers are and the weapons you store in each of them. You trained me well.” I say sarcastically, hiding behind the smirk on my face. “I just wish I knew why you go to these great lengths. We live in a small country town, nothing ever happens here. Your paranoia gets the best of you sometimes. I’m heading to the kitchen for coffee and toast. Would you care to join me,” I say, stepping out of his office.
I swiftly dart down the stairs to the kitchen thinking along the way of what I could do to surprise him. I quickly look around and decide to go for the old trick of tying a string around the kitchen faucet sprayer. I open the storage drawer, grab a twisty tie and quickly complete my task. My breathing quickens, my heart palpitates. I feel him before I see him enter the kitchen.
“Do you want any toast before you shower,” I innocently ask.
“Yes, if you don’t mind,” he replies.
“Honey, could you do me a favor and pour me a glass of water ,please, while I get the jelly?” I turn around and watch him walk over to the sink. He reaches over to the cabinet and pulls a glass off the shelf, as I silently giggle knowing what’s about to happen.
I see him reach towards the sink and, in a flash, I’m soaked.
“What the hell,�
� I yell, as I run away from him and the sprayer.
“Sweetheart, did you really think I wouldn’t see the bright red twisty tie wrapped around the sprayer,” he busts out laughing.
I move around the island, come up to him on the side, and stand on my tiptoes.
“Tell me, how can I surprise someone who always anticipates the unexpected,” I ask, as I plant a kiss on his cheek and whisper. “You know I’ll never stop trying.”
“I hope you don’t,” he says as he bends down to kiss me.
“Join me,” he says. “Breakfast can wait.”
He extends his hand and I place mine inside. He leads me upstairs to the master bathroom and turns on the faucet to the shower. Inside, we bathe each other with kisses, hunger for each other’s touch and intimacy. We continue our ministrations until our combined fireworks explode. He’s an incredibly giving lover. My heart, be still.
I wrap the robe around me as we exit the shower. I leave him to get dressed and hurry to grab the envelope hidden in his office.
“Babe, I think I have the last of everything,” he says, as he joins me in the kitchen for the second time this morning.
“R.J. is going on this mission with me, but if you need help with the security feed, call your Dad,” he explains. “He can also access the servers if you need him too. R.J. and I showed him a few things over the years. I will call or message you whenever I can. I don’t have the details of the mission or where we are going, but I promise to contact you every day.”
I unzip the side pocket of his duffle bag and slip the letter inside, quickly turning to face him, I utter, “I love you, Jaxon. Please be careful. I put a letter in your bag for you to read when you are alone. Return to me, I’ll be waiting.”
“Look for me in the night when the moon and stars are bright,” he reassures me. “That’s where I will be until I can return to you. I love you more than you know.”
We kiss like our lives depend on it, like we are engulfed in fire that needs extinguished. By the time we separate, we are out of breath, our lips swollen. He gently grabs me by the side of my face and doesn’t say a word. We just stare in each other’s eyes committing each other to memory. No words need to be spoken. How do you say goodbye not knowing if you will ever see that person again?
He releases me.
“Remember to look for me,” his voice soft but strong. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. I love you always.”
Jaxon
Present
I removed her letter from my bag once I reached the airport. The flight to Germany is a little over 14 hours. My direct post Commander Topher sent me a secured encrypted email and ordered me to read it before I land. I hope it will clarify what I’m about to face. I settle into my seat and wait for takeoff before I read the letter.
…I’m scared to live without you. On the outside, I might appear normal but this fear affects me at a deeper level inside of me. I know I’ve changed but I don’t see my change as a bad thing, I look at it as I’m evolving. I want to evolve into more before I settle down. I need to find my inner-strength again. I need to find myself. We both deserve better versions of ourselves and a better version of me is what I want to give to you.
I’m sure you weren’t expecting such a deep letter, but I want to be honest with you and never keep anything from you, as I hope you are open and honest with me. I’m just sorry it’s taken me so long to express these things with you. I find my struggle selfish because I lost my mother, but you lost both your parents, unexpectedly. Communicating with you should have been my first priority, knowing you already know how it feels to lose a parent. I guess sometimes we run from what scares us the most, and maybe I wasn’t ready then.
You must promise me that you will return safely!
If I am lost, I know that you are the only you can find me.
Love Always,
Jaycee
I heard my own voice reading Jaycee’s letter aloud and stop myself. I wish Jaycee knew how incredible she truly is. She is a talented writer, she is the most caring, fun, loving and supporting person I know. She possess more strength than even some of my brothers in arms. I watched her as she cared for her mother, how attentive she was to her mom’s every need. She didn’t ask for help, she didn’t seek out sympathy. She just stepped in and did what was needed. Glenn was there too, but he was too distraught to make any decisions. Jimmy was overseas and didn’t make it home in time.
The last month was exceptionally difficult on everyone, myself included. She excused herself from our bedroom at night and went out on the lanai and cried. I know I failed her in her time of need. I heard her cries, but didn’t seek her out to comfort her. I felt, at the time, she needed to just be, to let it out. Eventually, her light shined through and she seemed to prevail over her grief. She may have felt broken on the inside, but she showed courage, strong as iron on the outside.
I’m relieved she shared with me what’s been tormenting her on the inside. I can’t do anything to help her now that I am away but at least I know I can try to help her find her way when I return home. I stare out the window and see the Atlantic ocean below and let my mind wander on how I can try to help her from a distance, until I am able to return.
Hours pass before I shake the thought of Jaycee. I need to clear my mind and get into work mode. I may be soft at home, but I carry a completely different persona in the field. I have to, it’s the only way to survive. I pull my tablet from my carryon bag and open the attachment in my email from my commander.
Attachment: Blue Water
Commander in Chief: POTUS
Department of Defense Director, MC Commander: Elliott Samuel Topher
Department of Homeland Security: Carter Paul Wheeler
Mission Leader: Sergeant Major Jaxon David Sanchez
Team As Follows:
Erica Marie Whales—United States Air Force, Returning
Peter Jacob Grieb—United States Navy, Returning
James Joseph Callhoun—United States Marine Corp, New
Matthew Edward Bates—United States Army, Returning
Nathan Adam Cartwright—United States Coast Guard, New
Raymond James Reed—United States Marine Corp, Returning
Target Location: Tehran, Iran
Surrounding Body of Waters: Caspian Sea, Persian Gulf
Target: Arman Shah, Age: 32 Picture Below 5’6 Brown hair, brown eyes. Tattoo of a red arrow in the web of his right hand between thumb and pointer finger.
Crimes: Killed 95 POW. In the past 6 months. Performed live executions on televised Iranian Air. Torture and kills native mother and children.
We have supporting intel to believe that they have men posted all over the world including the United States. This mission needs to be resolved quickly and quietly or other countries are at great risk.
It is believed that they have weapons and nuclear war missiles hidden between Qom and Tehran provide by Iraq. We want as many weapons destroyed and the missiles released with a target area of the Caspian sea or Persian Gulf.
It is imperative this mission is completed without delay or incident. Monetary Compensation will be based on years of service but no less than five million American dollars for a successful mission.
Anger courses through my blood and oozes out of my pores. Fire singes the hair on my exposed skin. How can anyone born under God willingly hurt children. Hurt anyone for that matter. I know I’m a monster, but what keeps my sanity at night is knowing I remove contemptible waste like the Iranian terrorists.
James Joseph Callhoun, huh? This is not good. I constantly worry about the safety of my team but to have my soon to be brother-in-law on my crew. If anything happens to him, I won’t be able to face Jaycee. I’m going to have to remember to keep my opinions separate and not display favoritism, or worse, be even tougher on him because I would expect more. I can’t change the decision of who is on my team, but I can dictate who goes on the mission and who stays behind at headquarters.
I turn m
y attention to the window and watch the ocean below. I see the variations of blue and green, ships are the size of pencil tips, yet appear so beastly and towering in person. My mind wanders to one of my previous missions, the images are forever embedded in my mind the day I captured and killed Oumar Al-Salem.
He was a deplorable human being, a walking monstrous demon. Oumar was hiding in an underground passage that stretched for miles between neighboring cities. My team entered the passage from the west end of Kuwait city. A hidden door to the underground passage was masterfully crafted as part of the Kuwait towers. At first glance, it didn’t appear as a door rather a simple crack with curved, jagged edges that raced upwards and stretched to each side. A gentle push on the west and east side of the cracks released the door inward, allowing entry.
My team entered first, two at a time, securing the location. As militants appeared in the narrowing passage, we shot and killed them. Our movements were synchronized in rhythm, covering ourselves when possible, but never removing our fingers from the triggers of the weapons in our grasp. There were no survivors in our path to eradicate the devil’s spawn from God’s country. We opened every door of the dirt-encrusted passage and each one revealed a scene too horrific to see, yet could not be unseen. Men, women, and children tortured, their bodies remained in place from the moment of their death. Limbs were torn from their bodies, eyes were dangling from their sockets. Nails were visibly hammered into the soles of their feet, he was an evil man. The smell was beyond putrid. Even though we were fully geared with infrared masks, the odor infected our bodies, causing us to wretch within. We had to move quickly, before all the explosions and gunfire alerted our presence and awarding Oumar a chance to escape.
We continued our search for a few kilometers before we found him hiding underneath a grate below the floor, defenseless. He had no men surrounding him or weapons in his hands. He ran out of whatever room he was cowering in only to hide below the depths of his depravity. I leaned down and grabbed him behind his neck and lifted him out of this tiny hole.
Shattered (Guardian Series Book 1) Page 9
