Wishing in the Dark

by Colbie Kay

  When I was younger, I dreamed of what my wedding would be like, and Julien was always my groom. I used to think maybe we would be more than friends, or maybe it was hope, but I started to give up on that dream when we began going our separate ways. Our broken friendship devastated me, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. No way could I confess my feelings to the boy I loved when his friends were the same ones who laugh in my face or when he has every girl in our school fawning over him. I’m a nobody, staying hidden in a little pond of piranhas to survive middle school. They’ll eat anyone alive if given any kind of reason.

  Time is a funny thing because now, he’s nothing more than a classmate. At least, that’s what I tell myself to keep from hurting. I’ve buried those feelings for Julien, and I’ve moved on the best I can. Sometimes though, I still find myself staring at him, and those flutters in my heart haven’t gone away. It’s easy to ignore all of that when I’m angry at him; therefore, I hold onto that emotion and keep it close to the surface.

  However, I carry a secret no one else knows, he still sneaks into my room sometimes, although, we don’t sleep in the same bed anymore. He still comes through my window during those times he needs to get away and sleeps on my pink carpeted floor. When he enters my room, neither of us speak, I simply chuck a pillow at his head and throw a blanket on the floor before rolling over to face the wall. Sometimes, as I stare at the wall, I have to hold back my tears because I miss him. I miss him. It sucks because he acts like he’s not even affected by the end of our friendship. Why do girls always have to be the emotional ones, the ones who get hurt, the ones who can’t move on, pretending it wasn’t all that important? Why can’t I just look at him like the other boys at school and think he’s stupid?

  “Dude, why are even talking to her?” I hear one of the boys ask, pulling me out of my thoughts. I realize I’ve been standing here longer than I should without replying. Instead of saying anything in return, I narrow my eyes and cross my arms.

  “Shut it, Van.” Julien pushes the boy’s shoulder. “She’s my neighbor. I’m just being nice.”

  If they only knew…Julien grins at me. That cute little smirk makes me even madder. I storm away as if I was eight-years-old again and we’re fighting.

  Once I’m out of sight from them, my steps slow down, and I drift along for a few blocks to where my friend, Ashley, is babysitting. She’s the same age as me, but a grade above me since I was held back in kindergarten. That’s one thing me and Julien always had in common, being held back…me in kindergarten, him in first grade. The coming school year, Ashley will be moving on to high school while Julien and I will be in eighth grade, but hopefully, Ashley and I will stay friends even if we aren’t on the same campus any longer.

  “Poppy!” Ashley’s green eyes light up, and her curly red hair bounces as she skips off the porch to meet me on the sidewalk. “You came! Thank God because I thought I might die of boredom. These two little shits are driving me crazy.” She gives me a hug. Ashley is always bubbly, but she seems more so today.

  I laugh and follow her into the burnt orange colored house. “If you hate babysitting, why do you do it?”

  “Money.” She shrugs her shoulders with a grin in. I continue to follow her into the kitchen where she grabs four glasses out of the cabinet and a jug of Kool-Aid from the refrigerator. “We’re going to have so much fun this summer.”

  “I know!” I exclaim excitedly and take a sip of the grape-flavored juice as I sit down at the kitchen table.

  She screams the kids’ names, and when she hands them their glasses, she instructs them to stay in their room. After the bedroom door slams, her attention turns back to me. “Don’t you normally spend your summers somewhere else? I thought you said something about going away.” Ashley sits down in the seat next to me.

  “Yeah, I used to spend summers at my grandparents' house, but I haven’t visited for a few years. My brothers are grown and out of the house, and it’s not the same going by myself. I beg my mom every summer not to make me go because I really hate being around my grandma.”

  “Well, I’m glad you get to stay!”

  Before I can reply, there’s a knock on the door.

  I poke my head around the kitchen door trying to see who’s banging. “Who’s that?”

  Ashley jumps up from her chair. “Just some people I invited.” She bounces back into the living room with me behind her, and she opens the door. My eyes widen when five high school boys enter the house.

  “Ashley, I don’t think this is a good idea. I think I’m just gonna go.” I bite my lip worriedly. Seeing them makes me nervous for some reason. Why would five high school boys come over right now? Why would she invite them if she’s supposed to be babysitting? Worst babysitter award goes to...

  Her lip sticks out in a pout. “No, Poppy, stay. It’s going to be fine. They’re only here to hang out.”

  Rolling my eyes, I reply, “Fine.” I plop down on the couch while they make themselves at home. I don’t feel right about this at all, but I don’t want them making fun of me for being a baby either.

  Ashley turns on some music, and everyone’s talking and enjoying themselves. “Why are you sitting all by yourself?” One of the boys sits next to me on the couch. “What’s your name?”

  My eyes drift around the room, taking in everyone else before landing on him. “Poppy.”

  He smiles, and I take a moment to scan his features. His brown hair is cut in one of those stupid bowl shapes, he has plump lips and brown eyes. I don’t find him attractive in the least bit. “Hi, Poppy, I’m Justin.”

  “Nice to meet you,” I reply and scoot a little further away from him. Feeling even more uncomfortable with how his eyes are exploring me, I announce, “I gotta use the bathroom.” I jump off the couch and go in search of the door.

  Finally finding it, I shut myself in and pull my shorts and panties down, but before I can sit down, the door bursts open, and Justin enters. My pulse is pounding, and my heart continues to beat hard against my chest. Dread emerges in the pit of my stomach as he stands against the closed door, allowing me no way to escape. “Let me out!” I demand, but my plea falls on deaf ears. I hurry and get my panties and shorts pulled back up my thighs, but it takes a minute to rebutton them because my hands are trembling.

  He steps closer. “I just wanna talk. Will you talk to me?” Something in his tone makes my belly flip and bile rise in my throat.

  I want to get out of here. My eyes scan and search every inch of this room, trying to find a way to escape. I step back, still looking. “Talk about what? We can talk out there.” I feel trapped and claustrophobic. My hands shake from my all-consuming fear.

  “But I want to talk here.” His voice is primal, and the sound adds to my terror.

  He begins to undo his jean shorts. No no no! I scream in my head. My flight instinct kicks in, and I rush toward him with enough speed, I push him out of the way and turn the knob, yanking open the bathroom door. I think I’m free, but he yells, ordering his friends to stop me. Two of them grab me. One has my arms, and the other has my ankles. I kick and struggle to break their hold as they lift me into the air and pin me down on the couch.

  “Let me go!” I squeal and scream and fight. I lash out and buck, doing anything I can to free myself from their tight hold.

  “Ashley!” I yell for my friend, but she simply stands there, laughing just like the ones holding me.

  “We have a fighter,” One of the boys says, cackling.

  The other grapples harder to keep his grip on me. “No joke, she’s a fighter.”

  “Alright, guys, let her up.” Ashley playfully hits the guy holding my arms.

  Justin stands above the couch. “This could have been much easier if you would have stayed in the bathroom.” He starts to climb on top of me while the others continue to pin me down.

  “Okay, guys, you’re scaring her. Stop,” Ashley tries again, and I can hear the concern and fear in her voice. I notice her green eyes
widening when they choose not to listen. I would almost say she’s worried too.

  “We’re just having a little fun,” Justin tells her, smirking.

  I see her step away, then my attention focuses back on Justin. “Please, let me go!” I beg and plead, but it falls on deaf ears. The disgusting smile never leaves his face.

  Tears stream down my cheeks, and I’m exhausted from fighting, but I don’t stop. I can’t stop!

  Suddenly, the front door flies open, and Justin is thrown off of me. “Let her go!” The boy demands, and they finally release me.

  Justin jumps up. “What’s your problem, Tucker?” He gets in the other boy’s face, but Tucker is at least six feet tall, and Justin only comes to his shoulders. “We’re just having a little fun.”

  “Look at her, Justin. Does it look like she’s having fucking fun?” The boy, Tucker, grabs my arm and drags me outside. “I’m sorry, they’re assholes.”

  I angrily wipe away tears from my cheeks. “Assholes? They’re worse than assholes.”

  “Poppy?” Ashley comes outside and stands next to us. “Are you okay?”

  I laugh without mirth. “No, I’m not okay. How could you let them do that?”

  She casts her eyes down before meeting mine. “He wasn’t really going to do anything.”

  My head flies back as if she slapped me. “How do you know that? He had me in the bathroom with his pants down! He had his friends holding me down so he could climb on top of me!” I yell at the girl I thought was my friend.

  She grimaces. “It was only supposed to be a joke.”

  I huff and shake my head. “Some joke, huh? I thought you were my friend. I don’t ever want to see you again!” I storm away from the house.

  “Poppy!” She hollers after me.

  I had every intention of going home until I realized I probably look a mess, and I don’t want my parents to wonder why. Instead, I decide to veer off course and go to the buildings they use for Boys and Girl Scouts. Not many know about the hidden trail behind the buildings which lead down to the creek. It’s only a couple of blocks east from my house, and I like coming here because it reminds me of some of mine and Pawpaw’s adventures.

  I take the trail until I come to the shallow flowing water and sit on one of the big rocks, trying to calm myself.

  “Hey.” I jump, hearing Tucker’s voice.

  Whipping my head around, I glare over my shoulder. “What are you doing here?”

  He grins at me sheepishly, his hesitant gaze meeting my ferocious one. “I followed you because I wanted to make sure you got home okay, but this isn’t your home.” Scanning the clearing, he takes in our surroundings before asking, “May I sit?”

  I nod at the rock beside me. “I come here when I need to be by myself.”

  “I really am sorry for what they did.” His eyes travel from me to the water.

  I glance over at him. “I’m just happy you were there. I don’t understand why she would have invited you guys anyway.”

  Our eyes meet. “She has a thing for Nick, and Nick is…well, Justin’s bitch. Justin is an asshole, but I never thought he would try some stupid shit like that. The rest of the guys aren’t so bad, but they do whatever Justin tells them.” He suddenly grins. “Me, on the other hand, I don’t give two shits about Justin or what he says. I’m glad Ashley came outside and told me what was happening. How old are you, Poppy?”

  “I’m thirteen. I’ll be fourteen in July. You?”

  “I’m eighteen. I’ll be nineteen in September.” My brows lift. Eighteen? “I’m planning on going to college in the fall.”

  “I’m not even in high school.”

  He laughs at that response. “No? But you do look older than thirteen.”

  I catch myself staring a little too hard at him. He’s what you might call mysterious with his deep gray eyes. Gray like the sky before a massive storm. He’s tall, over six feet, and has a head full of dark brown hair which is a little longer in the front and matches his beard and mustache. He’s cute. No, he’s more than cute. If I was older, he would be my type…I think. I don’t really know what my type is since I’m not really interested in boys like that–except Julien, he was my type, and always the exception to the rule. Dang you Julien Pierce, if we were still friends this wouldn’t have happened. I would have been hanging out with him instead of Ashley. But then again, I wouldn’t have met Tucker, and I feel safe with him after he rescued me. Julien was always my safety net, but I don’t have Julien anymore.

  I t’s my birthday! I’m fourteen! I told Mom the only thing I wanted was to go to the fair that’s come to town. It always opens the week of my birthday, and today happens to be Saturday. Ashley came over so we could go together. After she apologized several times for what happened last month and promised she would never put me in a position like that again, I forgave her. I only hope she doesn’t disappoint me.

  We plan to walk to the fair, and Tucker will meet us there. We’ve been secretly meeting over the last month, and some nights, when my parents are sleeping, he comes to my bedroom window. I never let him in, but I lift the window to talk for a while. Luckily, Julien hasn’t needed to sleep here lately.

  I hate lying to my parents about where I’m going when I meet with Tucker, but I want to see him. I want to be around him. They would never allow it because he’s so much older than me; therefore, I tell my mom where I’m going, only to leave from there and meet him somewhere else. I have feelings for Tucker, unlike anything I have ever felt for anyone besides Julien. I really can’t compare the two, and I won’t; although, I would dare to say that I love Tucker, and he cares for me too. I know he does. I might only be fourteen, but the way I feel about him is real.

  AFTER ASHLEY and I get our tickets for rides, we walk over to the spaceship. It’s shaped like a rocket that you can go inside and sit in one of the seats. As we’re waiting in line to board, I feel the lightest of touches on my shoulder. I glance behind me to find Tucker with a grin smeared on his handsome face. Seeing him here makes me bite my lip to hide my smile, but my belly is swarming with excitement, and my heart bursts with happiness.

  Once on the ride, Tucker sits next to me, and when the lights go out, and the stars appear on the screen before us, he leans over and whispers against my ear, “Happy Birthday.” Goosebumps spread across my arms feeling his breath on my shoulder, and they increase as he slowly reaches for my hand to lace our fingers together. The smile on my face blooms even bigger.

  I pray the ride lasts forever, but unfortunately, it doesn’t. When we’re back in the public’s view, Tucker leaves me without a word. I try to enjoy the rest of the night, but it’s hard when all I really wish is to be with him.

  AUGUST IS HERE, and in a short couple weeks, I’ll be starting eighth grade while Tucker leaves for college. Since this is the last real chance I’ll have to see him, I’ve snuck away to the house Tucker shares with a few of his friends. I questioned him once about why he didn’t live with his parents until he went off to college, he wouldn’t go into detail about it, only saying he got into a fight with his parents and his friends were letting him crash in a spare room.

  “C’mon, Poppy, let’s go in my room.” He holds his hand out for me to take, which I do without hesitation.

  He closes the door behind us and sits down on the edge of his bed as I glance around the small space. It holds nothing more than his twin-sized bed and a small wooden dresser with four drawers. No posters or pictures hang on his walls, but he has a pile of clothes sitting in the corner. It’s cleaner than I imagined a boy’s room to be. Then again, I’ve never been in a boy’s room, not even Julien’s when we were younger. But I suppose if Tucker hasn’t technically moved in, he wouldn’t have that much stuff.

  “Poppy, you know I care about you, right?” His hands wrap around my thighs as he pulls me in close to him.

  Standing between his parted legs, I stare down at him. “Yes, I care about you too.” His eyes suck me in, and I couldn’t escape him e
ven if I wanted to.

  “Good.” He nods, winking at me. There’s something that flashes in his eyes, and the smirk on his face has me wondering what’s going through his mind. I don’t have to wait long for him to speak. “I want to try something.” One of his hands lift to grab the back of my neck, and he pulls my face closer. His lips touch mine for a moment before his tongue slides across the seam of my mouth. My first kiss. It’s a weird feeling to have his tongue touching mine, but it feels good.

  In the whirlwind of our kiss, Tucker somehow laid me down on the mattress with his body hovering above mine. Pulling away and turning my head slightly, I ask, “Is this what you wanted to try?” My pulse races, my body is on fire, and parts of me are aching with feelings unknown.

  He grins down at me. “Not just that.” He lifts himself up, and with our gazes locked, he pulls my shorts and panties down my legs…knees…calves…past my ankles. He drops them onto the floor before removing his own shorts.

  “Wait, Tucker. I don’t—” He cuts me off by pressing his lips to mine once more. I push lightly against his chest, breathless from our kiss. My hands tremble against his black t-shirt from nervousness. “Tucker?”

  “I’m going to try something. Just for a second. You know I would never hurt you.” He leans his head closer to me, and his lips press against the side of my neck.

  That’s when I feel a stinging pain as he enters me. “Tucker, it hurts.”

  His lips meet mine, hushing my pleas. “The pain will stop,” He whispers against my mouth a moment later as I zone out, my eyes focusing only on the white popcorn ceiling.

  “Okay.” I don’t try to stop him anymore. The pain doesn’t stop, and neither does he. Tucker cares about me though so it’s okay. What we’re doing is okay because I love him, and he loves me too. I know he does.