And that scared him more than anything else.
Chapter Twelve
After that explosive evening, Jordan barely saw Lucas over the next month and a half. Work on overseas clients’ portfolios had him traveling to Europe and then Asia. He called frequently, their conversations revolving mainly around how he was glad Jordan was doing his best to give up the pills. There was nothing personal, no indication that Lucas thought about him or might be missing him.
Maybe as much as Jordan missed him.
Perhaps he was being too needy, too self-absorbed and foolish, but his heart controlled his head, and he wanted Lucas to call and talk to him about, well…the two of them. Like that first breath of sweet springtime air after a miserable winter of slush and snow, Jordan wanted to embrace it and revel in the rebirth of his feelings and the reawakening of his heart.
Lucas’s only concern, it seemed, was Jordan’s pills.
Jordan stood in his backyard, listening to the breeze sigh through the leaves, and sipped his drink. Sasha snuffled through the grass, bounding this way and that, happy to be outside in the cool evening air. Every once in a while, she’d come running back up to the deck looking for a scratch or a treat.
It was one of those rare evenings when an earlier rain had washed the air clean, and even in the city he could see the stars, winking faint in the darkening sky. He tipped his head back and studied their glittering cobwebs, spreading across the night.
“What am I supposed to do?” He spoke to no one in particular, as Sasha had returned to the bushes, investigating a particularly tantalizing rustle. The iced vodka slid down his throat, cool and numbing, but did nothing to ease the ache of loneliness. These past few months had seen a change in him as he settled into his routine from before Keith had died. Surgery and rounds at the hospital in the morning, then Drew’s clinic three afternoons a week. Where he’d once spent his free time with Keith, Drew, or Mike, his friends now had separate lives that didn’t include him. Not that he’d even asked. Once or twice he’d thought about approaching Drew to talk, but the nausea rose, thick and powerful, to twist in his stomach, and he’d chickened out. Instead he spent hours with Sasha or, to his own surprise, working out at the gym.
And he continued to take the Xanax. He went back inside to refill his drink and his hand tightened around the liquor bottle as he poured more vodka into his empty glass. Sure, he’d cut down, but no one realized how hard it was to wean himself off the pills. Not that anyone knew, since he chose to do it alone. The thought of telling anyone of his addiction caused panic to rise in his chest, once again making it difficult to catch his breath. He knew he was making it doubly hard by doing it alone, but pride wouldn’t allow him to reveal his weakness to his friends and colleagues.
You’re such a fucking coward.
“I am not,” he answered the taunting voice inside his head, speaking only to the wind. He gulped his drink and stroked Sasha, who, tiring of her play, came to lay at his feet. Thank God for her. She made him feel wanted and needed again. Her warm tongue bathed his bare ankle. His hand shook a bit when he raised his glass to his lips.
Have you tried to stop? And replacing pills with booze isn’t what Lucas meant.
“Fuck him…” He wondered if Lucas understood how hurt he was by the phone calls that only concentrated on the pills. Having sex with him, simply getting naked with another man had changed the dynamic of the relationship for Jordan. He’d never been one to give his body any more easily than he gave his heart. Both were sacred to him. It was why he couldn’t understand Ash and his man-whore ways before he’d met Drew. Was that all Jordan was to Lucas, a quick fuck? He’d always been a decent judge of character, and Lucas certainly behaved like a man who cared. And if he cared, why couldn’t Lucas say he missed Jordan?
So, though Jordan had cut down a pill or two, he’d replaced it with vodka, hoping to push back against the gnawing panic inside of him. While it didn’t help much for the loneliness, it numbed him to everything else. One thing he made certain was never to drink or take pills before he operated. If his hands shook a bit more lately, he’d been using the residents on his team more and more to do the actual surgery. Once or twice one of the doctors looked at him a bit strangely, but he ignored them, his normal arrogance reappearing to keep away any questions.
He felt a bit guilty, knowing he’d promised Lucas to cut down, but as the days stretched into weeks, the other man’s lack of intimate, personal conversations fed Jordan’s insecurity. Maybe it was time to talk to Drew and settle things between them. Thirty years of friendship should stand for something after all. They should be able to speak to each other about anything. Before he could think too hard about it, he picked up his phone and pushed the speed-dial number he’d set for Drew.
“Jordy? What’s wrong?”
Well, what did he expect? The fact that he hadn’t called Drew in almost a year would account for the guarded and wary tone in his friend’s voice.
“Nothing. I-I wanted to talk to you and was wondering if we could meet.” The words tumbled out before he had a chance to think too carefully.
“You do? When, now? I could be there in twenty minutes.”
Jordan couldn’t help but smile into the phone. Drew could never hide his feelings. His heart shone like a beacon from everything he did and said. No wonder Ash had fallen for him. “Yeah. I do. But it can wait until tomorrow. I have rounds at seven, but can we meet for breakfast afterward, say nine thirty?”
“Sure, of course. The diner across from the hospital? Like we used to, remember?” Drew’s excitement strengthened Jordan’s resolve to make amends. Nothing positive happened while holding on to his resentment. It was killing him to be cut off from the people he loved. And deep inside, he knew his estrangement would anger Keith, who had also loved Drew and Mike.
These were the people who made his life, not men with whispered promises who broke apart his dreams.
“Yeah, the diner. Sounds good.”
“Okay, great, I’ll see you then. And Jordy?” Drew’s voice softened.
“Yeah?”
“I’m really glad you called.”
“Me too, Drew. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He hung up and smiled. Step one to forgetting Lucas Conover was on track.
At nine forty the next morning, Jordan pushed open the glass-fronted door of the Ticktock Diner. As interns and then residents, he and Drew had spent innumerable hours here, drinking endless cups of coffee and eating their enormous breakfasts. They’d meet whenever they could to catch up during the week, when life was so crazy back in those early, sleepless days of their medical careers.
“Dr. Jordan, welcome. So good to see you again.” Peter Stavros, the owner, greeted him, a wide smile on his face. The gray-haired owner and his wife, Elena, came out from behind the counter filled with delicious, home-baked desserts to shake his hand and, in Elena’s case, give him a hug.
“We’ve missed you.” Elena looked him up and down with a critical eye. “You’re too skinny. You haven’t been eating, have you?” Her keen brown gaze missed nothing.
“I’m fine, both of you. Stop worrying.” He accepted her kiss. “Is Drew here? I’m supposed to meet him.”
Peter pointed to the booth they normally sat in. “Yes, he’s been here awhile. Does he have a secret? He looks so happy.”
Holding back his own grin, Jordan shook his head. “Not that I’m aware.” But he knew it was the fact that he’d called, and he took it as a good sign. Jordan only hoped it would turn out with them still remaining friends. “I’ll see you later.”
This place had been his second home ten years ago, his steps taking him past the tables and the long counter, behind which the harried waitstaff called out orders. Most of them had been there for years, and they shouted out greetings to him as he walked by. All of them had shown up for Keith’s funeral, and Peter and Elena had closed the diner for the day, something they never did.
Drew sat in their usual booth, checkin
g his phone.
“Hey, D, how’s it going?” Jordan stopped by the table before sitting down. The smile on Drew’s face told him everything he needed to know. It would be all right. He simply had to get it out, and they could move past this.
“I’m good, great. How are you? You look better than the last time I saw you.” Drew shot him a quick look before slipping his phone in his pocket. “Do you still have the dog?” He pushed his hair back and shook his head. “This fucking sucks, man.”
Jordan slid into the booth. “What does?”
The waitress approached to refill Drew’s coffee, pour Jordan a cup, and take their orders. They waited until she left to start their conversation again.
“We’re talking as if we’re strangers, like people who barely know each other. Jordy, please talk to me. I’ll make it right. I can’t stand this.” Drew’s eyes glittered with unshed tears, while his pale skin flushed red.
Jordan steeled himself for what he knew would be the hardest conversation he’d ever had with his best friend. Shit, even coming out to him hadn’t scared Jordan as much.
“It’ll be a year next week that Keith’s been gone.” He watched as Drew’s face softened in sympathy. “I’ve changed so much I hardly recognize myself anymore, and not all of it has been for the better.”
The waitress approached with a refill of their coffee and their orders. After dealing with condiments and buttering bagels and toast, Jordan began again. “I want to apologize for cutting you out of my life. I was in a bad, dark place, and I blamed you for it.”
After swallowing his eggs, Drew set his fork down on the table. “Tell me.”
Here goes nothing. He gulped down his coffee, then set the cup on the table. “I-I blamed you for Keith’s death. Let me finish.” He held up a hand as Drew opened his mouth, whether to defend himself or protest, it didn’t matter. Jordan needed to say what was in his heart and head.
“I tried not to think like that. It destroyed me. Here I’d lost my lover and I couldn’t turn to you, my best friend, because I blamed you. If only you hadn’t run after those kids. If you’d only waited for backup at your apartment, things might’ve been different.” He glanced up to see tears running down Drew’s face. Shit. He knew this was a bad idea. “D, I’m sorry.” He reached over the table and covered Drew’s hand with his.
“I remember that night, replayed it in my mind a million times, wishing I’d behaved differently.” Drew managed to speak finally, after wiping his tears away with his napkin. He grabbed Jordan’s hand with both of his. “I knew it was the reason you were angry with me. Jordan, please.” He stopped, his voice breaking.
“D, it’s okay, really. It’ll be all right. I promise.” The anguish on Drew’s face was almost too painful for him to watch.
“No, no, now give me the chance. You have every right to feel that way. I told Ash you’d resent me. I tried to come to you and talk it out but you wouldn’t speak to me. I didn’t blame you. It was all too fresh. But I should’ve pushed harder after a few weeks, and I do blame myself for that. Now it’s been festering almost a year.” Drew squeezed his hand. “Let me have this time to do what I should’ve done right away.”
Jordan remained silent and nodded.
After inhaling a deep breath, Drew blew it out with a gusty sigh. “I’m sorry. I fucked up so badly and I’ve beaten myself to death with my guilt over the very fact that if I’d done as you said, Keith would be alive. It was my fault he died, and I let you push me away because it was easier to have you hate me than face what I’d done.”
“No, now you have to stop. D, please.” Jordan shook off his hands. “Look at me.” A moment passed before Drew picked up his head, anguish etched in his face. “I could never hate you. I’m the one who’s sorry. I never should’ve let this happen. It’s true I resented you at first, and I let that take over whatever good sense I had left at the time.” His mind chased briefly to the pills he’d taken this morning and how already his anxiety had come fluttering back to life, beating against his chest, blooming through his bloodstream. This wasn’t the time to think about his craving to make the panic disappear. Forcing his mind back to Drew, he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment to re-center himself.
“I was wrong. It more than likely would’ve happened the same way whether you waited or not for backup. Keith wasn’t wearing his bulletproof vest—why would he when he was off duty and attending a party? He should never have gone there without it on.” Jordan took Drew’s hands in his. “I’m sorry for shutting you out and resenting you. I should’ve handled it better, and I know we can’t go back, but can we start again? The thought of losing you—and Mike and Rachel as well—is killing me.”
He bit his lip, watching the play of emotions flicker across Drew’s face. Then, to his eternal relief, Drew’s sweet smile broke out, wiping away all traces of fear, grief, and hurt.
“It should be me asking you, but if this helps, of course. And you could never lose us. My life this past year sucked, even with all the good things that happened to me. Nothing was the same without having you there to share it with me.”
They sat and grinned at each other, and Jordan could almost hear Keith’s voice in his head. I’m proud of you, babe. You did the right thing.
Jordan motioned the waitress over, who he knew had kept away from their table as their conversation unfolded. She now approached, Peter and Elena on her heels.
“Can we both have some more coffee, please?” She poured, her lips curled in disgust, and left in a hurry. Whether it was because she couldn’t handle two gay men who obviously had some sort of personal issues to work out, or the fact that her bosses were standing right on top of her, Jordan had no idea, nor did he care. He had Drew back in his life, and that’s all that mattered at the moment.
“You two are fine now? We missed seeing you here together. It wasn’t the same when it was only you and your good-looking man, Dr. Drew.” Elena teased, and Drew’s cheeks stained red, but Elena continued. “He certainly loves you; that’s for sure. Breaks the girls’ hearts in here all the time when they find out he’s not interested in them, only you.”
Jordan couldn’t help but chuckle to himself as Drew and Elena continued to chat. Drew and Ash. Still a couple he couldn’t fathom. Ash was one of the few men to set him on edge every time they met. Maybe Jordan couldn’t get past knowing the man and his reputation before Ash had met Drew, yet here Ash was, a year later and stronger than ever with Drew. He’d never believed Asher Davis had the desire or ability to be faithful, but for once it pleased him to be proven wrong. And Drew had never looked happier.
Ash’s place in Drew’s life as his lover and partner caused part of his own resentment, he could admit to himself, if no one else. Jordan’s subsequent displacement as the person Drew turned to for help and guidance left him somewhat adrift in their relationship. This past year and their separation forced him to come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t responsible for Drew’s well-being. They were no longer on the playground with him defending Drew and Mike against the bigger kids; it wasn’t the first day of school when he walked with them to class, showing them the way so they wouldn’t get lost. They didn’t need his protection or help any longer. It had taken him long enough to realize, but the time had come for him to stop running their lives and try and manage his own.
Peter and Elena had finally withdrawn, after enthusing again how happy they were to see them both together. He and Drew sat, drinking their coffee, when his phone buzzed with a text. He pulled it out of his pocket, and his day darkened when he saw who it was from.
I’m back. Getting settled in. Looking forward to seeing you. How’s the center shaping up? Maybe we can talk later?
Lucas. His body quickened and grew tight at the thought of him. The memory of his strong mouth and teasing hands instantly had Jordan craving his touch. His traitorous cock grew hard, pressing against his trousers.
Angry at his body’s response to a mere text from the man, no matter that he
hadn’t seen him in almost two months, Jordan shoved the phone back into his pocket. Guilt slammed into him as he recalled his promise to Lucas about cutting back on the pills. He’d barely cut back and was drinking more to compensate for the crushing loneliness that surrounded him when he came home to his empty house. A dog could give him only so much.
“Who’s that? Not that I’m trying to pry or anything, but you looked like you wanted to throw the phone across the room.” Drew finished his food and sat back in the booth.
“Lucas.” He reached for his cup, but it was empty.
“Are you two, um, involved?”
Involved? Jordan didn’t know what the hell they were, and that was his problem. He’d never behaved like this before, jumping into bed with a man, letting his body overrule his mind. With Keith, it had never been a choice. They’d shared something special right from the start. Their relationship had been passionate, sweet, and tender. Love should be peaceful and calm—a serene feeling of trust and caring. It’s what he craved. He’d fallen in love with Keith as easily as breathing. If Keith had lived, Jordan knew he would have loved him forever.
But time was an evil thief of dreams. Keith was gone, taking their plans for the future with him. The ricocheting emotions from Jordan’s days spent with Lucas kept him constantly on edge, never knowing what was about to happen, wanting something, unsure of what. It was volatile and explosive, the kind of passion that spoke of twisted, sweaty sheets and walls echoing from the cries of lovemaking.
“I have no idea. For the past month and a half he’s been away on business, traveling through Europe and Asia, seeing clients. We’ve kept in touch.” Jordan could hardly tell Drew the truth. If being involved means getting some amazingly hot sex, then yeah. But then he found my stash of pills, and that’s all he cares about really. Me getting off the drugs, not him and me together.
He signaled the waitress to bring the check. She scuttled over, not meeting his gaze, and dropped it on the table, retreating immediately. Definitely not happy with her gay customers. Screw her.
After the Fire Page 13
