The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel
Page 18
the men of science are talking
about the size and shape of the universe again
i thought i had settled that for them
years ago it is as big as you think it is
and it is spherical in shape
can you prove it isnt
it is round like a ball or an orange
providence made it that shape
so it would roll when he kicked it
and if you ask me how i know this
the answer is that that is just what
i would do myself
if there are any other practical
scientific questions you would like
to have answered just write to
archy the cockroach
the big bad wolf
i went to a movie show
the other evening in the cuff
of a friends turned up trousers
and saw the three little pigs
and was greatly edified by the moral lesson
how cruel i said to myself
was the big bad wolf
how superior to wolves are men
the wolf would have eaten those pigs raw
and even alive
whereas a man would have kindly
cut their throats
and lovingly made them into
country sausage spare ribs and pigs knuckles
he would tenderly have roasted them
fried them and boiled them
cooked them feelingly with charity
towards all and malice towards none
and piously eaten them served with sauerkraut
and other trimmings
it is no wonder that the edible animals
are afraid of wolves and love men so
when a pig is eaten by a wolf
he realizes that something is wrong with the world
but when he is eaten by a man
he must thank god fervently
that he is being useful to a superior being
it must be the same way
with a colored man who is being lynched
he must be grateful that he is being lynched
in a land of freedom and liberty
and not in any of the old world countries
of darkness and oppression
where men are still the victims
of kings iniquity and constipation
we ought all to be grateful in this country
that our wall street robber barons
and crooked international bankers
are such highly respectable citizens
and do so much for the churches
and for charity
and support such noble institutions and foundations
for the welfare of mankind
and are such spiritually minded philanthropists
it would be horrid to be robbed
by the wrong kind of people
if i were a man i would not let
a cannibal eat me unless he showed me
a letter certifying to his character
from the pastor of his church
even our industrial murderers
in this country are usually affiliated
with political parties devoted
to the uplift
the enlightenment and the progress
of humankind
every time i get discouraged
and contemplate suicide
by impersonating a raisin and getting devoured
as part of a piece of pie
i think of our national blessings
and cheer up again
it is indeed
as i have been reading lately
a great period in which to be alive
and it is a cheering thought to think
that god is on the side of the best digestion
your moral little friend
archy the cockroach
abolish bridge
the administration ought to get wise
to one thing about the hard times
and recovery from them
the country was getting along all right
until everybody in it
took up contract bridge in a big way
a few years ago
everybody stopped work and did nothing
but play bridge
and the country hit the chutes
they dont know they are loafing
because there is just enough mental effort
connected with bridge so they can kid themselves
they are busy all the time
and smart and clever as the dickens
when the bridge fever subsides
the country will automatically recover itself
archy the cockroach
small talk
i went into the flea circus
on broadway the other day
and heard a lot of fleas
talking and bragging to each other
one flea had been over to the swell dog show
and was boasting that he had bit
a high priced thoroughbred dog
yeah says another flea
that is nothing to get so proud of
a thoroughbred dog tastes just like a mongrel
i should think you would be more democratic
than to brag about that
go and get a reputation
said a third flea
i went into a circus last spring and bit a lion
i completely conquered him
i made him whine and cringe
he did not bite me back
get out of my way
i am the flea that licked a lion
i said to myself probably
that lion didnt even know he had been bitten
some insects are just like human beings
small talk i said to myself
and went away from there
archy the cockroach
the south pole
it seems admiral byrd has to discove
the south pole all over again
every little while
that comes of not discovering it
hard enough the first time
so it would stay discovered
we insects are superior to you men
in many ways
it would never have occurred to us
that the south pole cared whether it was
discovered or not
the thing that amuses me
is that the country is so busted
that a lot of people have no jobs
or food or clothes or shelter
but there is money enough to keep on
discovering the south pole
over and over again
archy the cockroach
poets
the universe and archy
the inspired cockroach
sat and looked at each other
satirically
you write so many things
about me that are not true
complained the universe
there are so many things
about you which you seem to be
unconscious of yourself said archy
i contain a number of things
which i am trying to forget
rejoined the universe
such as what asked archy
such as cockroaches and poets
replied the universe
you are wrong contended archy
for it is only by working up
the most important part of yourself
into the form of poets
that you get a product capable
of understanding you at all
you poets were always able
to get the better of me
in argument said the universe
and i think that is one thing
that is the matter with you
if you object to my intellect
retorted archy i can only reply
that i got it from you
as well as everything else
that should make you more humble
the two dollars
we insects have the advantage
of the human race in some respects
we dont have to worry all the time
about what a dollar is
and how to get one
i understand from my human friends
that there are two kinds of dollars
being discussed now
one kind would be worth so little
that you couldnt buy anything with it
the other kind would be worth so much
that you couldnt get hold of it
to buy anything with
i talked it over with mehitabel the cat
and she said wotthehell archy
i dont need money myself
as long as i got gentlemen friends
who blow me to meals
mehitabel has no morals
but i like her disposition
archy the cockroach
for reform
dear boss i am
beginning the new year
by lining myself up
with the reformers
and diplomats
cockroaches have always
been fearless
and direct in their
methods defiantly
leaping into the arena
but diplomacy is my
watchword beginning with today
i see that to put
things over i must bore
beneath like the diplomats
and camouflage my autocratic
leanings by singing
loudly about reform
and censorship which brings
me to mehitabel
she wants to break into
the movies i pointed out to her
that will hays might
object to her morals
as she has advertised them
on numerous occasions
to be rather unconventional
wotthehell archy
says mehitabel
aint i reformed now
i see that the best
way to boost mehitabel
may be to denounce her
now and then yours
for diplomacy and reform
archy
a horrid notion
dear boss i am hoping
and praying for the depression
to pass i was in a newspaper
office yesterday eating some nice paste
and i heard the rod and gun editor
saying to his assistant
if times dont get better before long
gentlemen anglers will have to give up
fancy bait and use cockroaches
to catch fish with
please nip this horrid notion
in the bud write at once
to the fish and game commission
archy
archy in washington
Archy, the Famous Cockroach, surveys Washington—and finds the experts running around in circles surveying each other. Here are his views on Money, Radicals, Crop Control, and Whatnot.
I sent Archy down to Washington recently to make a Survey. Everyone else is making Surveys, and they puzzle me a good deal because I can’t understand them. But Archy always uses words which I can comprehend, and I am inclined to trust his judgment on financial, industrial and economic problems. For he has no ax to grind.
Archy returned a little puzzled himself, and his report to me falls naturally into the form of Question and Answer.
QUESTION—Well, Archy, what did you learn?
ANSWER—the first thing i found was a lot of other experts making surveys the government is spending a good deal of time in surveying itself and in surveying the people who are surveying it out in lafayette park survey experts are running around in circles surveying each other
Q.—What about national finances?
A.—i discovered that there are two kinds of dollars being planned dollar number one is to be worth so little that no one can buy anything with it everybody will have it dollar number two will be worth so much that nobody can get hold of one to buy anything with nobody will have it
Q.—How about the industrial and economic situation, generally speaking?
A.—well if you mean how are you going to get rich i can tell you that in a nutshell
Q.—In a what?
A.—you know what i said and i dont want to hear any cheap wisecracks from you
here is how you may get rich
you borrow enough money from one of the government agencies to buy 100,000 acres of land
then you go and tell the government that you are going to plant 100,000 acres of wheat
then the government pays you not to plant it for if all that wheat were raised it would mean more overproduction
then you take the profits from the wheat you did not raise and buy another 100,000 acres of land
this time you tell the government that you are going to plant 100,000 acres of cotton and the government pays you not to
and so on and on it is an endless chain and will result in making everybody wealthy
Q.—But suppose the government will not pay you not to plant it?
A.—then you plant it and that puts the government in an embarrassing position they have to pay you to destroy it after it has been planted
Q.—Where is the government going to get the money to pay everyone for not producing anything?
A.—they are getting it from the dentists
Q.—But where do the dentists get it?
A.—out of the teeth of the public i saw hundreds of thousands of dentists in washington
lanes of them miles long were filing into the basement of the treasury department handing over to the government the gold they had dug out of the teeth of the people
Q.—But are not people going to object to this after while?
A.—not at all it hooks up with the policy of not producing foodstuffs if people are not going to get foodstuffs to eat they have no use for their teeth and the government might just as well have them
Q.—In a general way, how is the recovery program working out?
A.—swell but it is about time we had a program for recovering from the recovery
Q.—What do you think of the danger of a revolution?
A.—so many people think we have already had one that there is little danger of them trying to start it
besides how are you going to revolt against a government when you cant find out what kind of a government it is
suppose you were a radical and started a revolution
you would feel pretty cheap wouldnt you if you found out later that what you had revolted against was just what you had been advocating
the thing that is going to save the country is the fact that no one knows what is the matter with it
after while there will be a general agreement that maybe there isnt anything much the matter with it
Q.—Archy, are you a conservative or a radical?
A.—here dont you ask me that
i got worried almost to the point of insanity asking myself that when i was down in washington finally i decided to end it all i climbed to the top of the washington monument and jumped off to commit suicide but i dont weigh so much i floated to the ground as gently as a snowflake
hell i said whats the use
fate is against me i cant even kill myself
but there are a lot of other experts who are heavier than i am in every sense of the word
and there is the washington monument
they might have better luck and it might prove one of the most popular features of the recovery program
Q.—Did you gain any inkling of the way to abolish industrial troubles?
A.—oh yes that is easy
just abolish industry and there will be no further industrial troubles
Q.—Did you survey Congress?
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A.—i didnt like to run any risk of waking it up
Q.—What was your general feeling, after your investigations?
A.—optimistic decidedly so i think what human beings have agreed to call civilization is on its way out not only in this country but all over the world
whatever succeeds it cant be worse and may be better
so many americans had been coming to their state
hold everything
agreements to scrap
naval vessels are what you make them
but if this country
and great britain dont want a war
theyd better cut out
international yacht races
while we are reforming
so many other things
it might not be a bad idea
to begin investigating
the efficiency displayed on passenger
ships
before they burn up or sink
instead of afterward
but of course a simple thing like that
couldnt be done by human beings
it is only ants spiders bees and other
insects
who know how to organize a society
and make it work
i have observed
a queer cycle in human affairs
a boy comes to the city
from the country
when he is twenty years old
and works his nerves into tattered
dishrags
for forty years
just to get money enough
so that he can go and live
in the country again and nurse
his nervous breakdown
i went into a flea circus
on broadway the other day
and overheard a conversation between
two of the performers
human beings said one of the clowns
never seem to understand
that they look just as funny to us fleas
as us fleas look to human beings
dont talk to me
said the ringmaster flea
about human beings
what the hell are they
except something to eat
i do not kick against my fate
i think that life is swell
contentedly i sit and wait
for the world to go to hell
and if by some queer accident
it goes the other way
i ll try and face that strange event
gamely day by day